Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

2 1/2 Packer

Remember Freshman year of college when your buddies would manage to convince someone to buy them a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbons outside the 7-11, then drink 3 1/2 of them by the time they made it over to your house?

That’s this guy’s abs. A 2 1/2 pack of PBRs.

But thanks for showing us, Billy Zane Douche, and nice underwear.

Tami Hott’s got some well swollen healthy mamms and a sweet smile that says “I may be loud and fiesty, but I’ll still cook you a lasagna when you’re sick.”

I love those types. The world needs more of them.

HCwDB of the Week: The Whale Squirts

PIC DELETED

In the first Weekly of 2008 it was a close vote between the Whale Squirts and Gabehcuod, but the Squirts pulled it out.

ted theodore scrotgan makes the case:

jaques is a dirty old ‘bag for sure, and the hulking maze-head gabehcuod is certainly deserving as well; but the squirts take the poo cake.

and that’s not even taking into account the scrubby side kick with the greasy mullet-turdhawk hair style. welcome to ’08, hunters. i have seen the future, and it is douchey.

Well said, Ted. And ron tugnut agrees:

I’m giving it to the Squirts. You know that entire room is full of them, and that poor brunette looking out at the world as if to say ‘is this really all there is…world?’ Great HCwDB tension in this one. It’s a classic. Chances are the choads are going to end up with each other.

But the horror film warning that is “Gabehcuod” also found support. As bagwagger puts it:

Gabehcuod has Bedazzled jeans. Having to resort to spangles to draw attention to your nether regions — shudder — is the height of douchetude. I have navigated the Fun Pad maze on his overly small head, and at the end of the road was the only possible HCwDB winner of the week: Gabehcuod. (Five rings? FIVE RINGS?)

Bedazzled jeans. I think I tried to block those out.

Poor Jacques, the cleaner shrimp came in a distant third, although creature uses the laugh factor to cast in with his net:

Jacques (pronounced Shjaw-quess) for he is the subtle, suave, strike on the stealth type douche that perverts & soils our hotts on the highest levels. Jacques smoothly slimes & stalks the corridors of the more respectable hott’hunting grounds (not Da’ clubs) oozing his oily charms infecting our most desireable hottts with his charm masked douche.

Well said, Creature. But this is the Squirts day to shine. And by shine, I mean shine. As no country for old douchebags succinctly puts it:

For me its got be whale squirts. That cleavite is mana from heaven sent to us to show no matter how douche it can get the hots will always be hots.

Thank God for that.

Thank God indeed.

Great comments and votes all around, promising a healthy round of ‘bag hunting in the new year. So lets raise the Whale Squirts to the victor’s circle. They are our first HCwDB Weekly Winner of 2008, and we’ll see their douched up foreheads and those hott boobies again in the Monthly.

Old Man Liver

Grandpa?

Little Ditty 'bout Melody and Brad

Melody’s a delightful perky waitress in Omaha. Brad’s a douched up personal trainer type who rides a Vespa.

A lime green Vespa.

Melody’s saving her money to help Brad out with his real estate company that he’s going to launch after taking the 5 CD training course he ordered online. Melody tells all her friends that Brad’s got a “soft side” that no one but her can see.

Brad gives graphic descriptions of Melody’s ass to his clients at the gym.

Or, at least, that’s how I see this unholy communion playing out. But I could be wrong.

I’ve been wrong before.

Where's Waldouche?

Somewhere in this lineup of trashy but cute party girls, I’ve carefully hidden a tongue sticking fauxhawked beefwich Waldouche.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Bagnolia

Kimmy, Kelly, I don’t mean to tell you whom to date and whom not to date.

But the Bedazzled sweater-vest on Persian Tom Cruise may be indicator #1 that you chose poorly.

Tim Schwarzenegger

I’ll be ‘Bag.

I always knew the governator liked to paw innocent young things.

I just didn’t know he had a creepy cousin, Tim Schwarzenegger.

Stop it, Tim. Release the hottie. It looks like you’re about to snap her spine like a twig.

It can’t be that bad being Ahnold’s douchey cousin. There’s gotta be some perks. Like getting to wear his shirt from Commando. And getting to paw the makeup girls like you’re searching for spare change under a seat cushion.

Rolling Cubans

Reader J Hott sends in this pic of Dallas Mavericks owner and all around douchey nerdbag Mark Cuban skeezing it up at her friend’s birthday party:

—-
The picture is like 2 years old. And I had no idea who he was and kept telling me that he owned the Mavericks and that he was millionaire, blah blah blah and all my friends were cracking up because I think he was offended that I had no idea.

I think he hit on every chick in the place that night.
—-

Proof positive that even billionaires get drunk, wear stupid shirts, and stare slovenly at nice boobies.

Keep starin’, Cubanbag. Brunette knows what’s up. You are clearly not a “Real Player.”

Ah, Real Player. I crack myself up.

Dotal Touchebag

But the symmetry on the fauxhawk/chin-pubes is masterful. It’s like the scarlet letter of uberdouche.

Chii Chii

The 10 Degree Hat Tilt, retro jersey, bling and douche-face render Chii Chii a golfing legend of douchebaggery.

What makes a 10 Degree Hat Tilt Tilt? Why, the douche within of course.

He should simply not be cohabitating with Nadja, the Russian Former Ballet Dancer. Especially not in an what appears to be an outhouse in northern Minnesota.

But while that chin would fill out a Robocop suit, and the “Chii” baseball cap makes my uvula itch, Nadja seems happy.

So who am I to judge?

Meh, I’ll judge anyway. Step off, Chii.