Best Golden Globes: Boobies Spake Zarathustra
Man, if I’d known this pic was winning a 2007 Douchie, I would’ve picked a less clumsy name.
Perhaps we should just refer to her boobies as The Ubermams.
And, of course, we must extrapolate that pillow #2 is as perfect as pillow #1. Unfortunately Tonguey McFratchoad is blocking our view.
And attempting a half-hearted “shocker” behind her head. Someone needs to weed whack his head with a damp cloth and a brillo pad.
But this award is about Golden Globes.
And they are so very golden.
And globey.
Mmmm.
Boobies.
Most Annoying New Douche Move: Pointing. At. His. Abs.
Ladies and gentlemen, cupcakes and lamb fries, here is your 2007 Douchie winner for Most Annoying New Douche Move:
The Ab Lobster
Besting the legends that are Peaches and The Trainwreck, the scrotal move of the ab point was simply too much to overcome.
A well deserved and hard fought Douchie for the Lobster and Blondie to take home and place on the mantelpiece.
And by mantelpiece I mean creepy Miami shirtless tools.
An excellent debate in the comments thread here broke out between the relative merits of originality, douchological importance, ubiquity and overall grease factor. But while the Trainwreck came in a close second, and with Peaches finding his support as well, it was the Lobster for the win.
And by win, I mean abs.
And by abs, I mean pointing. At. Them.
Most Trashcan-to-the-Head Worthy: The Bells
Even though Bells ran back in May, there’s something about the pose, the shirtlessness, the caveman necklace and that sneer that deserve the 2007 Douchie Award for Most Trashcan-to-the-Head Worthy.
And that’s saying a lot, as pretty much every douche to appear on the site deserves a little Sonny Corleone treatment.
So here’s to you, Bells, as well as your sexy librarian Brit-hott.
You’ve earned this Douchie Award. Now go put on a shirt.
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Strawberry Cheesecake
And while you’re parsing the hott, here’s the 2007 Douchie for Most Expensive First Date Hott: The Strawberry Cheesecake.
Strawberry Cheesecake appeared with her douched out smoove brothabag, Velvet Jones, back in September.
Velvet won one for the Brothabags in the Weekly, but then his Billy Dee ‘stache dropped in popularity as other ‘bags overtook the Velvet Smog.
But Strawberry Hott remained, burning a hole through all of our collective wallets as we contemplated the $150 dollar meal at Sushi Roku, the $200 tab at Skybar, and her drunkenly pushing you out the door as you tried to say goodnight at 4am.
Here’s a well deserved 2007 Douchie, S.C.
I’ve been there. We’ve all been there.
Hottest Hott of the Year
Here’s your finalists for Hottest Hott of the year:
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: ‘Bag Burrito’s Hott: Brunette Burrito
The Brunette Burrito ran back in May, but her sexy perfection remains like a fine after dinner mint.
She is brunette deliciousness.
Utterly perfect.
Perfect smile. Lovely skin.
And boobies.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: The Blister
The Blister, which ran back in June, left an indelible mark for the classic 1980s retro fantasy of his Barbie.
Is she a Playmate? I have no idea, but I’d bet no, as unlike the inflated nose-jobbed mannequins that dominate today’s glossy magazine sexynesss, Blisterette is pure natural spring water.
Trickling water.
Trickling water over rocks.
I would compose bad poetry to her toenail clippings.
The curves are dangerous.
The smile is delicious.
She is munchy.
She has a belt.
She is pink.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Pajama Choad’s Hott
It’s weird, as I’m not normally the fan of the blondes, but two of them made the finals.
I gotta give it up to Pajama Choad’s Hott, which ran in early November.
She is perfection. But unlike Blisterette, she is the slut-hott perfection of lurid teenage fantasy.
My blood runs cold.
My memory has just been sold.
Na na ne na na na, na ne na na na, na ne na na na.
I would twease the lint from that belly button using, with apologies to Archimedes, a lever long enough to move the world.
And by world I mean boobies.
There have been so many gorgeous hotts on the site this year that this category is almost impossible to figure out. There will be complaining. So many hotts, it’s impossible to choose.
I took the recommends from the regulars, weighed their boobies, drank a few PBRs, and bumped up a top three.
So yes, you’re going to complain. Your favorite hott of the past year isn’t on here.
But them’s your choices. And choose you must.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Douchiest Twins: Stereodouchtonic Twins
Was there any doubt?
Honorable Mention: The Twin ‘Bags and Twin Kravitz.
Smells Like Poo
And the nominees for the 2007 Douchie for “Smells Like Poo” are:
Smells like Poo Finalist #1: The Greaseheads
Ironic or not, I smell poo.
These cesspools polluting a Nordic Hott ran on the site back in August.
Gone.
But not forgotten.
Smelly.
Greasy.
Gross.
Smells like Poo Finalist #2: The Cowlicker
All the way back in April, The Cowlicker licked his greasy eurodouche ways into our lives.
And we’ve been salty ever since.
Is there any more noxious odor of douche-poo than in watching this sexy Swedish Hott get Germanic Saliva all over her cheekbone?
Methinks not.
Is she too angular?
No way.
She is 45 Degree Sine Curves of Nordic Hott.
I would pretend to be neutral during the war while secretly keeping all the money deposited in my banks, just to taste her milk chocolates.
Smells like Poo Finalist #3: Tatman Begins
Not to be confused with Douche Fighting Superhero Batbag, Tatman is a whole other beast.
The Tatman first brought his smirk, stubble, tats, and pasty white doughy visage to our collective eyes back in August, and I still feel dirty.
His wafting fetid odor is unmistakable.
As is the hierarchy of tongue licks.
This one’s an open vote.
Who gets the 2007 Douchie?
Vote in the comments thread.
Douchiest Band of the Year: Buckcherry
It had to be said.
I featured these three scroteclowns on the site in September, and their power chords and ridiculous Southern Vinegar stench still reverberate.
For choading it up in the skeeziest video of the year, give it up to Buckcherry for a well deserved 2007 Douchie Award.
Douchiest Group Scrote: The Douche Platoon
As if there was any doubt that these Spring Break choads would win a Douchie for categorizing the Skittles Rainbow of scrote variation. The Platoon first made their appearance back in April.
Spring Break choadology, gone but not forgotten.
And she is absolutely teeth meltingly hot.
Also, check out what happened to the Douche Platoon moments after this pic was taken. Oh well, Platoon. Maybe next time.
Spikiest Hair: Douchsplosion
Give it up to the exploding cactus hair of Douchesplosion, who first crystallized on the site back in April.
The fact Douchsplosion came from nowhere to overtake both Wheatstalks and The Crystalline Scroteflake is one of the upset shockers of the 2007 Douchies.
Like Kevin Costner beating out Martin Scorsese for Best Director in 1990. Or American Beauty winning anything outside of a pie eating contest in Wil Wheaton’s imagination.
Douchsplosion has that certain je ne sais quaff. Oh wait, it’s pretty obvious. He’s got a really big-ass cactus head. And two Frosh Sorority Cutes. That’s enough to win the category.
Besides, the Stalks and the Scroteflake, honorable Mentions to: BOING! and White Buckwheat, in this hotly contested Douchie.
