Guido Fights
The Guidos posture while two young pre-legal hotts watch from the sidelines.
Watch carefully for the split second use of the “Ab Reveal” as part of douche pre-fight ritual. It happens fast, but occurs twice. See if you can spot both.
The Smirk
Nothing gives away douche punk quite like the smirk.
Yes, you’ve got an Angelina Jolie Pout by your side, Smirky McShavedchest. Your sunglasses bend and refract space/time with the power of deep introspection. And your flaccid torso has the pale limp deadness of the grilled chicken they serve at the Olive Garden.
But it’s your smirk that stamps douche in bright shining starlight letters on your forehead.
Jolie’s pouty lips are marshmallows of hot chocolate. Her pink bra-like bikini makes only the faintest pretense at holding back her burgeoning and powerful Xena-like sexuality.
And you, my smirking friend, need a sock full of camel poo to that smirk. And then all will be right again.
Jack Scrotington
What’s this? What’s this?
He’s douching everywhere.
What’s this? What’s this?
There’s Old Spice in the air.
I can’t believe my eyes! I must be dreaming.
Wake up hotts, this isn’t fair.
What’s this? What’s this?
There’s cornrows on that douche.
What’s this? What’s this?
He smells like cabbage, and something that rhymes with douche.
What’s this? What’s this?
A douchebag.
Mint Jelly Hott
I don’t know if Army McShirtless is douche or not, but as to the hottie, I haven’t seen a shoulder that succulent since breakfast.
My kingdom for a touch of mint jelly and a spruce of garnish. Sure she’s orange like the Prompas. But on her, it looks tasty.
Reader 'Baggin' on Halloween
The Halloween ‘bag pics submitted by readers are pouring in, and I’m honored that this site inspired so many weekend costumes. Guido The Killer Gimp writes in to let us know he busted the Jerseybag look at his Halloween party on Saturday night:
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Check it out, DB1. Went as a douche to honor HCwDB. Let me know if you’re going to run the pics-
— Guido The Killer Gimp
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I can’t tell if it’s good or scary that some of these costume pics are indistinguishable from true douchebaggery. If I didn’t have other costumed people in the pic, I wouldn’t buy that this is a costume at all.
But nice job GtkG. Love the D&G belt, the Kissy Lips, the bling and the ultra buff Sean Connery douche-chest. Oh, and I’m now letting you know that I’m going to run the pics.
Other readers who’ve sent in pics of themselves going as ‘bags for Halloween include C Dog, going for the Jersey Guido look. Blue, who attempted the “Joey Porsche Lips.” Evan, attempting the hallowed “Double Collar Pop.” West Side ‘Bag goes Miami Beach Douche. Tim busts a classic douche costume with Santa Hottie in tow. And A bunch of fans of the site in Jersey went superdouche here and here. And a genius tribute to Orangebags were performed by readers here and here.
Orange Face. Love it.
Nice work, people. I’m honored to have helped inspire such costumed douchebaggery. Just be careful you don’t get a taste for the Goose and start running with it.
Wednesday Limerick
There’s a stain on my couch the size of France,
It was made by a rocker douche without pants,
A tri-hott sandwich he did find,
While looking for spare change and a curvy behind,
Too bad his career has no chance.
Happy Halloween!!
Remember kids, when you’re out trick or treating, be careful.
A greased up muscle choad could be doggie ‘baggin’ your hottie.
HCwDB of the Week: Batbag
BLAM!
KAPOW!!
BIGDOUCHE!!
It was a total landslide for creepy douched up Batbag with the saggy nipple, his sidekick Robyn, and Timmy’s Hot Mom who made you brownies when you were nine and let you look down her blouse while serving them.
Batbag, like The Gator before him, is one of those supreme uberbags who forces a reevaluation of the entire spectrum of douchitude, rendering the level of hott irrelevant. Few douchefaces can achieve such a singularity. Batbag is one. walker, texas douchebag lays down the logic train:
that collection of cells that is bat bag is the clear winner here. Years of chest-shaving, squeezing his junk into 32 waist white pants, and inhaling Jovan Musk for Men has addled his brain to the point where he thinks it’s cool to have a Batman tattoo AND a matching belt buckle. Not to mention those ridiculous glasses. He deserve the title, as well as being run though a wood-chipper.
Well said, Walker. deuche agrees:
Riddle me this and riddle me that….what kind of douche gets a BATMAN TAT? On top of man-boobies, none-the-less. He even has boy wonder-bag as a sidekick.
“And where…And where…….is the BATBAG?”
The Batbag is taking a well needed break from fighting crime to scrote on the hotties, that’s where. But the creepy Leprechaun with his Long Island Iced Tea Beauty found fans. ron douchegay sums up the appeal:
The Leprechaun, since he has the hottest hott, and is most derserving of having a white-hot poker stuck up his ass.
Well put, Ron. I thought for sure that the resonance between Snake Pisskin and Rachel Hottowitz would resonate further with the voters, but alas, Snake came in a distant third. douche ellington plays the eulogy:
While I thouroughly enjoy the comedy of errors that is Batbag, nothing says more about what’s wrong with the hottie/douchey commingling than Snake Pisskin. She represents everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman and have yet to find, and he represents everything I hate about the guys she will inevitably go after: the omnipresent smug look, sunglasses indoors, “designer” wife-beater, and “look at me I’m trying to be tough” tattoos.
I agree, D.E. But this is Batbag’s day. Like the solo douche-fighter that he is, Batbag needs no uber-hott to win a Weekly. He operates on his own, with only Robyn’s dimples to help him along. As tim brewer succinctly sums it up:
BATBAG!!! omg please.
“omg please,” indeed, Tim. This is Batbag’s day. Raise his douche-cape to the rafters and punch his Bat Signal a spot in the Monthly. He’s bringing Robyn and MILF cutie along for the ride.
WFU Halloween HCwDB
WFU ‘Bags write in with their pu-pu platter of HCwDB inspired douchery at their Halloween party:
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DB1,
Here are our attempts at some classic douchebags for the WFU med school Halloween party.
The Prompa, Joey P Variation #1, and Joey P Variation #2, King D are all featured.
Our costumes were the talk of the party, and luckily the fake tan washed off easily.
Enjoy,
C Douche
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If there’s one thing I’ve always dreamed of, it was opening up new avenues of costume exploration for Halloween parties. The Prompas and Joey Porsche should be honored. But something tells me, they won’t be.
Ramon
PIC DELETED
And then there’s Ramon.
Not a halloween ‘bag. Not even a gaybag, as I’ve received three pics of this tool in action with hotties.
Simply a dimpled cartoon fast food logo head.
I’d drive up to that head and try to order a double cheeseburger and Mr. Pibb by talking into the mouth speakerbox.
I’d put a quarter in his ear and see if a pre-printed fortune popped out of his stomach.
And then I’d McFlurry her whoppers.
