Wrinkle Turd
Just keep on keepin’ on, Gramps.
Wayne's World
When did the metallic rosary beads become the new “3” Dog Tag? And won’t somebody please bring back the Jesus Bling and 10 Degree Hats? I so miss 2006.
I would love Tia Carrera Wayne’s World hottie with schwing goodness.
Friday Night
Just remember kids, if you’re out and about tonight and you look around and see this image in front of you, leave.
Leave immediately.
The Dutch-bag
And then there’s Dutch-Bag, the Eurodouche, the Scroatian. Plastic skin oozing of Germanic butter creames and Tuscan hair gels. Shirts smelling vaguely of toblerone and riccola. With forehead gleaming in the light like the ancient Norwegian fjords, and hair spiked like southern Spanish forests of early spring, the Eurodouche dances like only he can dance. His nasal accent sings with indeterminate boutique hotel lobby resonance.
A fully lathered up work of renaissance art, the Eurodouche inspires post-colonialist douche-rage across much of the subcontinent.
Leopard Princess, however, makes me want to Arch my Duke while feudalizing the proletariat.
Everybody Do the Oompa!
Looks like the Oompa Prompa craze is spreading like wildfire. And by wildfire, I mean creepy scrotebags.
I’m still in the process of upgrading the servers so if you occasionally get an “access denied” when visiting, it’s just due to temporary site overload. Simply hit reload and the site should come up fine. And by fine, I mean boobies.
Also while I appreciate the 60 or so submissions of Tuberculosis On the Airplane Guy and his apparently hottie wife, please stop sending. I’d need at least some Jesus Bling or ‘Bag Hand Gesture #184 to go with that T.B. before posting.
EDIT: A reader alerted me to DListed ripping off Prompa without a HCwDB credit. Lame.
Balcony Bag
Many have asked me, DB1, can you give us another example of what you call the “Terminal Bleeth State,” the point at which a Hottie’s exposure to uber-‘Bag has reached isotopic douchecay and can not be redeemed.
It is hard to quantify exactly when a Hottie crosses the event horizon. It occurs somewhere between the moment of early giant sunglass growth, the sprouting of ‘Baguette hand gestures, and reaching crisis with the combo smug pout and shirtless douche embrace maneuver.
Pity this lithe dark haired cutie, lost to the dark world of uber-douche. For, like mandana boy’s receding hairline, she is never to return.
That being said, I would juggle baby raccoons dressed in a burka just for the chance to filter tea through her stockings.
Friday Haiku
Greasy forehead shines
With light of a thousand scrotes,
Beware, the douche-face.
mine own angst and rage
in douchebag’s head reflected,
ere gaze finds booty.
— douche of earl
Hottie’s curves ensnare
Yet burnished forehead blinds us
Smarmy sack of scrote
— baron von douchehausen
Matthew Perry ‘bag,
Like Chandler, you’re a huge douche.
Douche-face stupifies.
-Amerigo Vesdouchey
Ask DB1
Troy Roidell writes in:
———–
Dear Mr. DB1,
My name is Troy and I’m a senior at Lake Crest High School. We’re the Trojans. I think it’s cool that my name is Troy and my high school mascot is a Trojan.
Anyway, I wanted to ask you a question to help with a report that I’m writing in my “Problems of the Modern World” class. It’s my last major paper of the year and I need a decent grade. I’m allowed to ask an expert if I can’t find enough written sources. So after googling for about 20 minutes I realized that I wasn’t going to find the answer so I better ask you. Your web site came up first in every search that I did.
So, here is my question. What is the origin of the douchebag hand gestures? Is it some sort of secret code like gang bangers use? I really need some background on this. Maybe something on the most popular gestures and what they mean, too.
Thanks in advance. It would really be cool if your answer was right around a 1,500 words, too. But if it isn’t, I understand.
Sincerely,
Troy Roidell
——-
The origin of the ‘Bag Hand Gesture remains mysterious and elusive. Some posit it a cry for attention, a variant of the mating call in the animal kingdom. Like when Balisian rhesus monkeys fling poo, or Brazilian chipmunks whistle various 50 Cent ring tones to attract a mate.
Early historiographical theories explored the notion that ‘Bag Hand Gestures (#001-#265) began in late 19th Century dance halls, when dock workers would signal to find out if a woman nearby was a “lady of the evening.” Throughout much of the 20th Century these early primitive hand signs in proto-douchebags began to develop with increasing complexity, eventually reaching the broad and complex form of hand signal communicative linguistics we see today.
As to your essay, can’t help with that, Troy. But I can make a kick-ass bitchin’ “Westside” with my left hand.
Dawn of the Choad
I don’t know whether to make fun of the grease-cheeks or head for the nearest mall for cover while making sure they don’t bite me by shooting them in the head.
And I’m talking 1970s George Romero Dawn of the Choad, not that remake douchebaggery.
Someone set off a flare and distract them, while I save hottie. Then again, she looks infected. Damn you, Grieco Virus! Damn you to hell.
Lloyd Dobblerbag
I happened to stumble into “Say Anything” on cable the other day. Holy sweet Christos, what I wouldn’t pay to see a group of coked up British thugs in droog outfits kick the holy crap out of Lloyd Dobbler.
It is to that whiny turd that I dedicate this post, and my coining of the “Dobblerbag.” The Dobblerbag is a whiny git who espouses clever one liners while sweating and trembling because he’s “so happy” when he loses his virginity. He may not be a classic ‘Bag, but let there be no mistake, he’s hidden douche at work. He’s a variant of the Emo Bag melded with the Hipster Bag by way of the virus, Unrealisticus Characterus.
Holding up the stereo playing the worst post-Genesis Peter Gabriel song? You are douche. Even as fictional character, true douche is achieved.
Eat me, Dobbler Bag. And you too, pud in the pic.
Oh, and boobies.
