Carl Spackler 'Bag
Yup, it’s the Bill Murray character from Caddyshack, all grown up, douched up, and on the prowl. I always knew Carl Spackler could slap on some old spice and a half-buttoned white shirt, and charm the ladies.
Blondie’s got that pre-baby Britney Spears thickness but I’d still become a Jesuit Priest and flaggelate myself with barbed wire just to polish the rhinestones on her belt.
But what’s up with Carl Spackler’s bottom buttons being undone? Is the new douchebag shirt look to undo both top AND bottom, allowing only a mid-level of covering? Or is he simply trying to show off some belly like his hottie’s doing, and is this a new douchebag trend — showing cleavage and bellies to match their chickas? Are the douchebag and hottie merging into one singularity of human consciousness?
Hot Coral Action
Nothing like five gorgeous balls of shiny wax to wake you up on a Thursday all circling a douche vortex. 170 Degree Hat Tilt here knows exactly what the ladies love — a little hot coral action.
I’m not exactly sure what ginormous piece of jewelry is trailing off the vaguely chipmonk looking hottie in the middle, but one thing I do know. It’s not coral.
And coral is where it’s at.
A coral choke collar. It’s like Jet-Li’s “Unleashed.” Snap on the coral necklace and he’s your douche slave. Should we call it “UnDouched”? Too obvious?
Disco Pat
You didn’t think I was going to let a genius discovery like Pat only get one pic here at HCwD, did you?
Of course not.
I care too much our endless pursuit of douche and the hotties who love them to let Pat pass without a second look.
Dig Disco Pat’s pinkness and bling. The gel face and mysterious rips/stains on the jeans. Looking slightly less androgynous than previously, Pat still confuses and astounds the mind with his confusing wrongness and sexually mixed up wretchitude.
But not enough to bother this perky swan, apparently.
Shiny McCheeks
Ah, the double sideways V sign. Douchebag Hand Gesture #58. We haven’t seen one of these on the site in awhile. Nor have we seen elephant pants. Shiny McCheeks here doesn’t deserve two angels curling up in his lap. He deserves a straw full of termites shoved up his nose. Where they’ll hopefully burrow into his brain. Resulting in a new mutant hybrid, the Termite ‘Bag.
Not that termites are particularly dangerous. They’re simply small and annoying insects. Like parachute pants boy here. I want to hang him by his feet off a cliff like Ahnuld in “Commando,” then come up with some witticism before dropping him. Something like, “Your cheeks are shiny.” Granted it’s not the best one-liner, but it would still result in dropping him off a cliff. So in that sense, it’s Shakespeare.
SwimBag and CaveHottie
Normally costume party ‘bags don’t fully capture the essence du douche, but in SwimBag’s case, douche face trumps all. Giant plastic stick-on eyebrows, facial pubes circa early Ron Jeremy, and douche nipple ring cement ‘bag status.
CaveHottie is all sorts of good. I’d invent fire with two pieces of flint just to cook her some Mastadon.
On a side rant, I’ve never gotten the whole concept of an “Asian Fetish” thing among some guys. I’m as lustful for the Asian hottie as I am for all other hotties, but since when did an ethnicity equal a fetish? Porn shops always list it like it’s some sick perversion. “Lesbian. Bondage. Orgy. Asian.” What’s that about? Where’s the “Lesbian. Bondage. Orgy. Australian.” signs?
HCwD of the Week: Spanky
It was a tough vote this week, almost too tough, as all four candidates were douchey/hottie exemplars. But thanks to a late surge, Spanky, or Arther Ashe Douche, managed to take the crown, thanks largely to the power of his hottie’s hotness and his own “costume party” going on at a non-costume party.
And those boobages. Mui buono.
As the prolific and omnipresent anonymous put it:
Any douche that shaves – then oils down – his legs leaves no room for douche competition. I don’t care if it is a costume party. Not to mention tasty Scandinavian sweet tart w/milky way cleavite showing…I’d like to lead a Major Tom to that galaxy of goodness.
Nicely put, Anon. count douchula explains the dilemma:
This was a VERY tough contest this week. #3 and #4 are really close. Both are so douchey that it makes my head want to explode Scanner style, but in the end I’m gonna have to go with #4 Arthur Ash Douche. Here is my analysis: First, hottie in the picture is DAMN FINE. I would swim through shark infested waters with a chum bucket tied around my waste just to get to eat her nail clippings. Second, it has been mentioned that this is a costume party, which I can understand because this douche appears to be in costume. Thing is nobody else is wearing a costume. This leads me to one of two conclusions: Either this guy actually dresses like this or he decided to wear a costume to a non-costume party. Either way this makes him a major douchebag. Plus I’m jealous that he’s getting to spank that hottie with a tennis racket.
#3, “Classic Poo,” came in a close second. We may need to raise his jersey in the Hall of Scrote at some point simply on his own merits. Or as Douchestar Runner puts it:
Now–Classic Poo. A photo I wish I could say I found myself. This dude is like a douche archetype, a character you think only exists in literature or the movies or perhaps a Bon Jovi video circa 1988 . And here he is in the flesh, on some perfect picturesque California beach. I have a hard time comprehending that this is a real person and not a dude paid to dress up in a theme park or something, or some supreme douche-being that mistakenly got zapped over to our world on his motorcycle from an alternate douchiverse. Because dudes like this don’t really exist, do they?? I guess that’s what it looks like here, though. The chicks are not the greatest, not as hot as Spanky’s girl (oh I wish that I had Spanky’s girl!) but just fine and wearing some classy dresses as well as smiles that let you know they’re thinking “holy crap, is this guy for real?”
Well said, D.R. It may be time for a doucho-a-doucho showdown next week. Yup, a “HCwD of the Month” face off. That’s gonna be a smackdown of epic proportions. In the meantime, I smell like sewage so am off to take a shower.
Pat
Ya know, some days I think I should’ve just stayed in bed.
Where's Waldouche: Sleepover Edition
While we’re getting in the last votes for the HCwD of the Week contest and mourning the loss of P. Douchey, here’s another game of “Where’s Waldouche.”
Somewhere, hidden deep in this photo, is a greasy, beer swilling scrote.
Can you find him?
Look carefully.
Reader Mail
P. Douchey wrote in with this polite request:
Take down motor scrote and P. Douche please.
I always appreciate “please.”
ChinPube II: Electric Douchaloo
Here’s another view on ChinPube’s gothic bling. If anyone ever doubts the unholy force of douche-face, one need only observe its scrotey powers here.
Seriously, gaze into those eyes. You’re being hypnotized by douche. Soon you too will wear giant gothic spikes around your neck while gelling up your shaved chest.
Lohan Hottie’s a bit awkward in her pose, it kinda looks like her head’s too small for her body, but I’d still love her in many romantic and karmic permutations.
Voting’s still open for the HCwDotW contest, so get them votes in below if you haven’t voted already. I’m way too hung over to add up the votes today. Damn Thunderbird. At first it says, “Drink me! I’m only $1.99 a bottle!” Then it says, “Sucka! You feel like crap!” Stupid talking wine. Stop talking to me, talking wine.
