HCwDB of the Month
Booya! Put down that turkey. Youse got work to do. It’s our last coupling selection process for the 2011 Douchie Awards (starting next week). Make it count.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda
Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda are everything that’s rotten at summer herpster BBQs throughout the Tri-State area.
And lets not forget Herman Herpster and Miranda Pic #2.
Together, they form dialectic of pigeon puddle piddle.
A yellow steaming mess of bird pee.
I have no idea what I’m saying.
Up next:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue
Here’s a classic douchepose in mid-action.
A tasty drunk hottie marking her descent into stupidtattland.
With one lick.
One odious lick.
Society collapses under herpster stupid glasses and Euro-Nordic doucheface.
And the baby Jesus piddled on a picture of Tim Tebow.
And all was wrong in Manchester.
But enough to win the monthly? There’s a good chance.
Up next:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Garglebag and Nadia Ruminate on Heidegger
At some point, they’ll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe. And chat not about Heidegger, but wine.
A two pic series of wretchedness, let’s not forget Garglebag and Nadia #2.
Nadia’s gnaw cleavite is impressive, and the Garglebag is putrid.
Another Herpster in the Vegastronic milieu.
Another hottie body that has made a terrible life choice.
And possibly one of the worst tattoos in the history of creation.
Like really, really bad.
I just micturated on a rug.
And it really held the room together.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Band Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie
Mmmm… Barely Legal Bonnie has the Zoroastrian Back Arch of Coitus. And G-d saw it. And it was good.
Band Promoter Petey actually has the disposition of a normal dude, but with so many toxic douche signifiers, NO PASS.
He must be mocked. And mocked severely.
But is he douchey enough and is she hott enough to win the very last Monthly of 2011 and earn the last slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards?
That remains to be seen.
I actually went one too many weeks, so I’m leaving off The Entrepeneurbag and Nadijka because methinks she’ll merit consideration on her own at the 2011 Douchie Awards, and he’s just a puddy band promoter.
Which coupling deserves our last slot for the HCwDB of the Year, starting next week? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Nadia.
While Bonnie has the edge on the hotness, we must not forget the douchebaggery required to win the prize. Herman seems most likely to pick a fight. Frego has the creepy stare, but the bee-stung lip makes me think that something else is going on here. Garglebag seems pleased with his nondescript bleached beachballs. Herman and Miranda FTW.
Band Promoter Petey and what’s her bucket. I think its his toilet seat bling that really does it for me. I would love to Tidy Bowl his ass till next Tuesday.
I’m going with Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda FTW, cause it really is the second picture that puts him over the top and by over the top I mean he’s an ass-clown. Taut Miranda doesn’t quite pull off the librarian hott look but if you look closer it looks like she got some kind of gun holster? thingy she’s wearing and hey if you need to be doing that by the pool then you get my vote.
@Nancy
That is not toilet seat bling it’s where he keeps his stomped on, shitty ass blow. If you look closer you can see he already has a few rails ready to go. Rock n Roll is decadent, Band Promoter Petey not so much.
Can I mix Bonnie with Herman of clan McCoccluv? That’s my vote. Tally it any way you like.
Band promoter Petey. When I look at the picture, I catch a whiff of that water they use to boil hot dogs in. I believe the Bruce Springsteen tattoo on his arm there agrees with me. And I would Bonnie her Brigadoons all day.
BL Bonnie is giving me a look that says “i’ve got an itch on my cervix that only your c#ck can scratch.” Is her itch the onset of a herpes flareup? Who knows. But I’m voting for her because I would be willing to find out. Plus, I bet Petey calls people “G money” a lot and I f#cking hate that. Petey and Bonnie ftw.
Got to be Petey and Bonnie cause I’d like to kick him in the soft spot where his balls should be for putting shame to the sweet memory of the surreal Keith Moon who rolled Reverend Chad style but had problems. And for sweet luscious teen Bonnie quartasian who I really like. And by like, I mean rough anal. Son.
The Garglebag and Nadia FTW. Garglebag has combined douchey-ness and pussy-ness to a new height and therefore must be a winner (loser). Nadia is ying to Gargle’s yang.
Those are 4 very powerful douches. The second picture sealed it for me. #1 Herman Herpster.
Frego is the only one worthy of a trashcan to the head. The others are happy in their baggery so they get a semi-pass from the Old Choad.
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Furthermore, none of the hotts caused even the slightest sporting of wood — but that could be because of my complete lack of testosterone these days — all hormones having slowly leaked from my body like the ooze from a weeping pustule on your nethers that won’t go away.
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.Age will do that to you..
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….in all, one of the weaker weekly lineups.
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.Frego FTW
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Hermaphrodites
^For those of you who haven’t checked it out, Choad The Douche Sprocket’s website is the craziest food critic site ever. Just click his name and make sure your comments are kind of civil.
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Gourmandes
Bonnie and Petey. Too busy to explain. Just pick them.
Both couples # 3 & # 4 seem part of the perpetual floating Big Lie that wends its way between NJ & LA, pausing only to collect the latest douchessories, but somehow always forgetting they already own 25 sets of wraparound sunglasses or that presently they haven’t grown sufficient pubic hair for yet another sacrifice to the Gods of GSR. While this traveling caravan has more to do with avoiding particularly importunate creditors or enraged husbands than with actual sightseeing matters not a jot. The point is they have accepted one of the most fundamental tenets of being douche: if one is to succeed in the quasi-noble aim of plumage display it can only be done in the presence of barely legal hottie or recently shaved groin. Although in an imperfect world this in turn may necessitate the odd trifling compromise with the absurdly fluid code of National Douche Standard (NDS). Of course standards change in modern times, but it is still a truism of the monthly that no matter how orange, how tatted-up, stupid or size of bling worn, the monthly contender with the most ruthless dedication to self-interest will always prevail. Thus, with an overweening sense of its own importance I nearby cast my vote for The Garglebag & Nadia for they alone both capture and renew the zeal of all those other anonymous but essential understudies whose duty it is to pose, gesture and generally drink from the cup of life, which is, of course, red. The Garglebag & Nadia FTW.
Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda FTW. The Herpster is douche writ large, and by large I mean a large pile of steaming lack-of-parental-attention-issues, empty Axe spray bottles, and lard and sperm tainted shit. And Miranda is all that is hott, though the faux-librarian-hott thing is heading toward bleeth. Only the true librarian-hott is Hott with a capital H, and Hott by making your meat snap to.
Get some, son.
Rev Chad @8:13 am – merci beaucoup…and keep those kinda civil comments comin’ harder than LiLo with a load of blow….
Band Promoter Pete’s biggest crime may be wearing an opened oyster shell around his neck, but Bonnie is a fine, natural pearl of the highest order.
The paternal side of me wants to counsel her and impart fatherly wisdom about the evils of slipping into bleethdom. The depraved and lascivious side of me would spread cupcake icing all over her seventeen-year-old natural boobies and wet-nurse the sweet confection like Rosie O’Donnell during a hypoglycemic, blood sugar episode.
Diabetes and statutory ramifications be damned!
@RevChad, I thought “rolling RevChad style” meant you had nothing but problems. At least that’s what I mean when I say it. PS How’s my Douchie coming along?
The Garglebag and Nadia FTW..the combo of tropical chest scribbles (flaming flower aromas??) and hideous bolt-ons from the Plasti-Clinic of Novosibirsk on Nadia combine for the strongest quadratidouchadoxical equation this month…
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sons of nepos..
Hey Dreuche, I thought “rolling RevChad style” was position # 234 of the Karma Sutra.
Hey tall guy, what’s a Karma Sutra?
Isn’t it that band fronted by Boy George? (boom-tish!)
@McCrude
clan of McCoccluv? that made my day
Nadia FTW
I agree with everything Nancy Dreuche said @7:13 am, except the part about Tidy Bowling Petey’s ass.
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Band Promoter Petey and Bonnie for the monthly.
I would like to read Taut Miranda her rights to remain soilent, but dammit to fuck I fucking HATE hipsterbags above all others.
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Frego The Herplicker needs his dick slow-twisted off by a curious baboon plied with Ambien and ether, and then made to watch time-lapse footage of fire ants consuming his anguished spiraled junk on an endless repeat loop. Then someone needs to shoot his eye out, kid. Irene needs her tongue scraped clean with my yogurt-loaded ham squeegee.
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Frego For The Cockk-Twist. Irene for my peen.
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G-Monies.
Also, Douche Sprocket, I’m enjoying reading your site. Asian (“style”) food is well represented in Sydney. I remember back in the day when I worked on the door of a club in Sydney’s Chinatown. After the place closed at 3am and we’d put the money away, I’d go for supper with my Chinese colleagues at The Golden Century on Sussex Street, Haymarket. They always took care of the ordering and I always ate food that I have not since been able to order either at The Golden or any place else. Love Vietnamese food, too. If you ever consider visiting Australia and stopover at Sydney let me know and I’ll offer my best suggestions for those eating establishments worthy of a detour.
Herman and Miranda FTW, by default. Irene is out because we can’t see her eyes (you never know, they could be crossed). Nadia has the best rack money can buy, but who doesn’t? Barely Legal Bonnie, meanwhile, looks unwashed, as in ‘I’m in the process of growing dreadlocks.”
I’m most disappointed in the quality of douchebags in this group. No style points to be had in the group.
Thanks @tall guy….will do!
Garglebag and Nadia because nipple as tattoo’d flower center needs to be uprooted with a pickaxe and Nadia’s female groin shave reveal is 2011’s Birth of Venus. At the very least its one sweet glitter spurting clam shell.
Well, now I know what Choad looks like. I keep seeing more and more of you all the time, it’s starting to get weird. For the record, I am a dead sucker for a thick head of dark hair, graying at the temples, with dark-rimmed specs. Rowwwr.
Pete and Bonnie. The crystal butt plug around his neck sealed the deal for me.
All four choads are tatted-up a-holios, and all four chickies are hott-ish. But I like tongues, so #2 gets my vote. It’s really a pick-’em play, though. Sucker’s bet.
Tough competition this month. Gotta go with the Garglebag and Nadia. He just appears to put so much effort into being a douche. Nadia’s bikini bottom could double as a band-aid. And for that I give thanks and a vote.
I’ve been coming to this site for a good 5 years now, and I have never voted before, but finalist #3 has made me see the light. And by light, I mean female crotch area. Seriously, if her bikini bottom was any smaller I’d swear she got it out of the kiddie section. i want a picture of her from that night, from behind. Just to see how much asscrack she was revealing.
I like the word soilent.
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#3: The Garglebag and Nadia Ruminate.
The perfect combination of Scrudface Choad and Stage 1 Bleeth.
Rev Chad:
How did Moses get that bloody nose?
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Philistines.
Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue
Frego and Irene. Just because shes licking him. He must taste like the underside of a sofa cushion in a frathouse.
Frego The Herplicker and Irene the tongue. The disease is coming from that photo is too much.
Herman Herpster ftl. BTW I miss the days of E-blo, Crosshair, Smoot, etc. Lately they are all one-douche ponies.
Herman Herpster. Because I only get to post about once a week due to CyberNazi’s@ work and this fuckstick prances around Las Vegas like Peter Pan. I can’t wait for all that ink to fade and those holes in his ears to droop down. Shouldn’t be too much longer before his upper body looks just like Oprahs first level of beef curtains. Herman Herpster for the Monthly Loss!
I vote for Frego & Irene.
To be sure, all candidates are worthy, but one of these things is not like the others. The others are just standing side by side in typical, relatively harmless, picture pose.
But with Frego and Irene, not even the purple glow softens the visceral blow from this image.
Her actions make all invertebrates glad they don’t have tongues.
His stare says vote for me.
Garglebag and silicon boobs FTW!
I’m going to ignore the boss and cast a write-in vote for Nadijka and Entrepreneur Douchebag.
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She is the hottest of hotts and the pairing most disturbing of the douchiest couplings. That salmon jellydong in her hand smells vaguely of fish, but in the sweetest way. His fish based stench is more of the late night dock variety, where manly evil lurks. 10 men, one boat.
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Nadijka FTW.
Couple #2 Bob Ewbanks, Herpelicker & Irene cuz that girl is licking bunghole!
I like barely legal Bonnie’s smirk.
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And that dude is a choad amongst peens.
Garglebag and Nadia when looking at them its pretty much knee jerk reflex to almost anyone viewing to say “why is she with him?” Plus a tat that has the nipple incorporated into it = major autodouche. His skin should be removed, carefully preserved and taxidermied and used as a tapestry at the local #1 Chinese buffet. She gets major Bleeth points just for being around this ink stain.
I have to laugh everytime I see Frego he looks like Rick Moranis from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Petey. though probably having the demeanor of a regular dude would be the kind of guy that greets his friends with the phrase “what’s up bromosexual?” which not only makes him a douch but a toolbag as well.
Herman and Miranda though douchey and bleethy they just seem so forgettable to me, mostly because they’re trying to act like they’re the local celebrities of your average water park.
Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue FTW! Why? I know it was you, Frego. You broke my heart. You broke my heart! Frego, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do. I don’t want to see you at the hotels, I don’t want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there. You understand?
I’m going with Herman and Miranda from amongst an otherwise underwhelming slate of candidates. Petey is that guy you used to see behind the counter at the video store back in college, you thought he was one of those cool slacker types that got all the artsy chicks and grad student booty, then you came back twenty years later and found him still working behind the same counter, only now it was a Starbucks, but Petey hadn’t actually noticed the change. He’s not entirely odious, just pathetic. I’d definitely risk the slammer for Bonnie, though. Just sayin’.
Frego is where things start to get interesting, because he’s the reason why we have double-ought buckshot, tire irons, and two-by-fours. He’s the guy from Good Will Hunting who spouts off in the bar about how freaking smart he is, then gets pwned in the end. He’ll exaggerate his unidentifiable-as-to-nationality-but-definitely-European accent as he recites the only part of Nietsche he’s ever actually read (which turns out to be a publisher’s blurb on the back cover), even as he’s trying to pick his teeth up from where you sprayed them across the barroom floor. Still, the knowledge that Irene would lick him and do it on camera means she fails the crackers test. Sorry.
Herman, however, has his Scots heritage proudly displayed via his clan tattoo (and you just know he is saving up to have the clan tartan tattooed in there somewhere to match his kilt). To borrow a turn of phrase from Roseanne Barr, his head looks like her crotch turned upside down. And that prominently displayed left nipple is so…distracting, yet disturbing… And the Terminator shades make me sure that, clad in nothing more than said kilt, Herman spends hours doing his Ahnult impressions in front of the mirror, which probably impresses the hell out of Miranda.
Miranda is the deal-sealer for me. The beacon of her pearly whites, the innocence of her gaze, the pure good-naturedness which radiates from her, to soil that with the foetid haggis-scented putrescence of Herman defies everything in which I believe, which I hold holy, which binds my reality together and keeps me sane. Herman and Miranda FTW.
The Garglebag doesn’t stand a chance of ruminating about anything more complex than unwrapping his chewing gum, and someone needs to give him directions to the weight room. Still, he’s just another dumbass early-twenties dipshit, he’s not assertively douchey the way a true bag should be. And while I recognized it’s a matter of taste, implants are a huge turnoff for me, even in the presence of female groin shave mastery.
That Hyman Roth was the most vile of Hollywood Jews Dr. Bunsen. He was probably as accurate a version of Jewish mafiaso as Hesch on the Soprano’s.
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Foreskins
@SomeGuy, what is “the cracker test”? I need all the help I can get.
If Nadijka and Entrepreneur Douchebag were in the running they would win with little competition. She is innocent loveliness and he is the dogshit I scrape out of the tread of my sneakers. But we do not get them – we have to deal with what is offered, and of that, the finest hott is Miranda, but the stankiest turdburgler is Petey or the Garglebag.
So, then it’s between Bonnie and Nadia, and bonnie is either a first year at some community college pre-nursing program on her day off, or the skankiest beyotch from Anaheim High School. Nadia, however, doesn’t play with illusions – she’s a bolt on bleeth, a hard-core skeez who aims to please. So, since I can’t make my mind up on Bonnie, I’m going with Nadia and Garglebag, because they are both prime examples as to why the human race deserves extinction.
@Troy, Dang fella, you’ve been staring.g at this site for too long. Luckily this is a small representation of young adults today. I happen to work with people around this age and even though sometimes it feels like I’m babysitting, their actually pretty responsible bright and well mannered. So maybe dont set off your atom bomb just yet.
No. 3
Bonnie and turdburger with cheese
Few people realize that Herman is from a very old and prestigious clan. Clan MacCocclov has been around since at least the 14th century, when they were landed by Yarl MacCoccsbane. They adopted a pink and green plaid as their tartan, preferably warn as a supermini kilt, or alternatively as an empire waisted knee length ballgown. Their coat of arms is a pink goat with an engorged phallus stalking a rabbit on a green background.
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After centuries of prominence, Clan MacCocclov went into decline in 1621 when two ships of MacCocclov clansman sailed for England, vowing to make the Limey bastards pay for their mistreatment of the Scots. None were ever seen again. In 1964, Canadian explorers found the frozen remains of “a tribe of ginger-haired, trogloditic Eskimos” in the Canadian arctic, but Clan MacCocclov denies their could be any connection, preferring to believe the two ships sailed to Valhalla on the back of a giant sea turtle, as family legend dictates.
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The clan continues proud traditions handed down generation to generation. To this day, each winter solstice, a senior clan mother will dry hump a yule log while the elder MacCocclov deflowers a haggis and the whole clan hums the tune to Hazy Shade of Winter to bagpipe an piccolo accompaniment.
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Herman is the first MacCocclov in 200 years who is legally able to go within 200 yards of a school, and therefore there were high hopes of an associates degree or at least some Las Vegas Community College t-shirts. But Herman has gone very far astray, and the MacCocclov Clan will have to wait another generation for redemption.
That was very insightful DMC. I like scotch too!
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Anybehoofs? Dark Sock chose this as the Saints’ victory song and I haven’t turned the game on yet. 10:22 EST but I bet the Giants are up Drew Brees face like a MacGilla on the tennis sista’s ace.
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Giants
pete and bonnie are the most foul coupling
Wow. I drift away for a month and come back to a whole new level of douchebaggery. I’ll have to think about this.
If Taut Miranda really needed those glasses or Barely Legal Bonnie had a bigger rack I may vote for them but instead I cast my vote for Frego since he looks like a douchey Will Oldham (perhaps one of the least non-douchey recording artists I’ve ever had the pleasure of conversing with) and Irene the Tongue, with her eyes closed and tongue extended, appears ready to pleasure with the French arts. That’s a win in my book.
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fils.
Wow, 6 postings since last Thursday. DB1 is working too hard.
Some Guy at 4:10 vs Red Headed Woman at 5:24 for the “contrasting comments” win.
I’ll take the Saints and the over.
Garglebag and Nadia FTW.
Her smile says “don’t feel guilty that your attraction to me and my balloons violates your well-considered standards of hottness.”
Her groin area says “come right in!”
Her scrunched eyes say “hey loser, even you have a chance — look at this puke I’m with right now!”
Garglebag FTW because he wears his shades on the side of neck like a retard.
Definitely #3. all I can say is Mmmmm Boobies.
Drew Brees is a homo and I need a new football team cause I can’t go on drinking like this. Son.
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Dark Sock has nepos.
I’m going for Garglebag and Nadie. Epic Female GSR is always vote worthy.
Frego is beyond saving. That’s my vote. Nadia and I should make babies.
Darksock’s cocck-twist for all of them.
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Bring on the Douchies
There is much poo among the hott.
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So it comes down to the hott/poo dichotomy.
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Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda FTW. And by win, I mean Miranda. This is the greatest example of the vast gulf between douche and hott: Herman’s picture is next to the definition of “douchebag” in the dictionary. Miranda is the girl next door you always wanted to ask out, but never could muster enough courage to do so.
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Till that one afternoon, when you did, and she said she had a boyfriend, and showed you his picture.
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And it was Herman.
Motherfuck, it’s been a while. Moving, a new business and children can have that effect. But on to the breakdown:
Petey and Bonnie are in last place here. Petey certainly is douche, but Bonnie isn’t only barely legal, but has no funbags whatsoever. Is the picture really just grainy or does she have hairy legs, plus she’s posing with her chin down to hide her Adams apple. That’s right, I’m voting ladyboy on Bonnie. Petey is in for a surprise.
The Garglebag is also definitely douche, but Nadia is on the old side of hott. She’s on a downhill slide that will end with her skin looking like old saddle leather from too much tanning and an expressionless face from too much Boxot. This is HCWDB, not Almost-Over-The-Hill-ex-strippers-WDB.
Frego is a douche, but it’s kinda hard to tell if Irene is hot or really HAWT. Sorry, no go on this one yo.
Oh My God. Miranda looks like one of the nice hot girls from a John Hughes film that the loser hero hooks up with at the end of the movie (minus the stupid lensless glasses). I think Miranda is doing her Phd thesis on the herd mentality as it applies to youth trends. Here, she has chosen the glasses to blend in with her surroundings and observe the wild douchebag in his natural environment. Good for you Miranda, perhaps your research will provide some insight as to what makes the fuckwads spend their allowance on stupid tattoos. Make sure you put chemical sterilizers in the Red Bull before you leave the pool. Miranda and the Herpster get my vote.
“This is HCWDB, not Almost-Over-The-Hill-ex-strippers-WDB.” – Guns-N_douche
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Great line! I’m not sure us older guys agree on that being a weekly winner exclusion, however. Judges??
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Almost-Over-The-Hill-ex-strippers need lovin’, too.
And the 21 year olds sure ain’t giving it up to us oldsters.
I vote Frego.
The last 2 seem like nice guys. The first one seems just too dumb to be dangerous.
Frego is the only one punchworthy.