Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Epic Poem Tuesday: The Choad Warrior

The Choad Warrior awoke,
The sun broke through clouds of,
douchiest gray morn.
He put his bling on. He prepared.
Hair greased faux hawk like war paint.
Hand gestures ready to flick like so many glorious white doves sent from heaven,
Like so many tribal tats, on his heart.
So many giant sunglasses, on his soul.

She lay waiting in the club,
not knowing what would come.
Her status as an innocent flower,
long forgotten in the pounding techno
club music of her psyche. The
selling of six dollar shots to horny
college fratbags,
like water trickling over rocks.
Because every epic poem,
must have water trickling over rocks.

99x-Bags

Speaking of AtlantaBags, I was just interviewed by the morning team over on 99X. But if this pic is any indication of what’s going on over at the station, I might need to get a camera guy on standby.

As to the guys, ever hear that expression, ” a face made for radio”? Nice facial pubes, boys.

I would, however, love those sultry pillows in the middle of that pic for a solid thirty seconds. No, make that forty-five. Because I’ve been practicing.

The CreeperBag

HCwDB of the Month winner, The Creeper came by to tell me who he was voting for in the Weekly, but then his alien lizard tongue tried to eat my brain.

So I fondled his hottie’s perky ski-slope nose while she fed me Bratwurst and Becks.

Get yer votes in for this week’s contest by scrolling down and voting in the comments thread. Voting ends tonight.

Peaches

I don’t know why exactly, but I’m naming this dude “Peaches.” Note the “cock-n-balls” mark on the grease forehead, once again betraying what I like to call the “Mark of the ‘Bag.”

Yup, it’s Peaches. Slightly cross-eyed forehead sloping Peaches.

His groping of Barbie Hottie is enough to drive a man to drink. Oh wait, I already drink. Uhm, it’s enough to make me drink more. Yeah, that’s it.

Where's Waldouche: Clubland Edition

Somewhere buried deep in this scrum of club hotties I’ve hidden a lurking fruitbat Waldouche.

Click on the pic for closer examination.

Can you find him?

Green Lantern

This may be one of the most profoundly stupifying HCwDB pics we’ve had in recent weeks. I’m at a loss for what to say about this monstrosity, this trainwreck. All I can do is review my life and everything that led me to this moment where I’m forced to comprehend this reality as manifest.

Green Lanterndouche is too much to come up with clever quips about. That shirt, that pregnant gut, that shirt, and that shirt. He is… uhm… a douchebag. Words fail me in his presence. He’s that douchey.

As to his hottie’s perfection, she’s right in my aesthetic wheelhouse. I would munch on Keebler cookies cut to resemble her visage then burn aromatic aloe scented pine to honor the hotness of her ancestors. I would bury my face in her perfect, lightly powdered, arched, pale cleavite and contemplate human folly with bemused detachment. She is my lily ponded evergreen forest where I find repose and wax philosophic while groping her boobies like a hungry infant.

Kelly Belly

PIC DELETED

HCwDB comments thread regular and hottie Kelly Belly went ‘bag hunting for the site this weekend and came up with this half-drunk stage 1 FratBag.

Nicely done, KB!! I would lead a small but highly skilled search party of ninjas into your succulent pillows in search of the mystical hills the locals sing folksongs about, and be comforted by thoughts of panda bears, marshmallows and being spanked with a hot poker by a hottie in librarian sunglasses.

Nice ‘bag hunting, my dear.

If anyone else has first person ‘bag hunting evidence, send in the pic to me, DB1, along with your story of the capture.

Prince Douchian

Isn’t there some fairytale about a princess who kissed a choad and he turned into a douchebag?

Not sure if pink popped collar and the douchiest tri-color hair since the failed ‘N Sync comeback qualify as true fairytale material. Someone call the Brothers Grimm. See if we can update Snow White to include the chapter on kissing a skeezy club troll.

She reminds me of the hottest chick on the college volleyball team, the kind you’d watch work out in sweats out of the corner of your eye while pretending to study the campus bulletin board. Fleshy perfect arms that I would suckle like rib-roast and top off with a glass of chardonnay.

HCwDB of the Week

Well this is more of a “HCwDB of the last Two Weeks” contest since we skipped the Weekly last week. Which isn’t really fair to many of the aspiring hottie/douchey couples that won’t get their shake at the finals as a result. But it’s like my father said when selling me to gypsy spice merchants for coin during the barren winter harvest of ’22: Son, life isn’t fair.

That was the last I saw of my parents. From there I spent my summers in Uttar Pradesh harvesting cactus flowers to sell to Bedouin camel riders during the solstice periods. My winters were spent in training at the House of Hapsberg, learning to hunt, skate, ice-fish and make Pfefferneusse cookies out of corn meal and whey. On the eve of my 17th Birthday, I was bedded down by a Czech beauty named Ute who spoke of revolution in the subcontinent… but enough of my past. On to the finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Meet Joe Douche

I don’t care if Joe Douche is a host on a cable show or not, I don’t know who the hell he is, so he’s eligible for the Weekly. I particularly enjoy J.D.’s attempt at the sideways combover of the receding hairline. That ain’t gonna work even if your forehead wasn’t shiny, Joe D.

Toss in the bracelets, the classic ‘Bag Hand Gesture #59, the douche-face and two choice slices off the Hott Tree, and I wish I never met Joe Douche.

Lithe blondie makes my pork loin.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Mega Man

I’m pretty sure Mega Man competed and lost in a Weekly when he first made an appearance on this site, but this pic was just too glorious not to give another chance to everyone’s favorite Nintendo douche-hero.

Note to sell, facial shaving patterns that would hold deep religious significance to the Mayans count as auto-douche.

While Mega Man may have fought heroically while firing pixelated blue orbs at evil mutant creatures, here he is simply scrote.

Pouty Blonde may look like the high maintenance type, but her cleavite is potent enough to kill a dolphin. And that blue dress is simply magnificent.

I would lick a thousand postage stamps and do a mass mailing of myself dressed in a spandex superman costume if it meant she’d yell at me to get off her lawn.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: SunDouche

Inspired by the classic JoeyPorsche oeuvre, SunDouche features the waxed eyebrows, product hair and blank expression that suggests either the “Blue Steel” look or a frontal lobotomy.

Hard to tell how hot hottie is, the teased out hair is a bit much, but the noe is cute, and the back looks like a soft knit hammock that I could take a nap in after reading the Sunday paper.

So if you’re one of those ‘Bag Classicists who insists on the purity of the primary douche level, the Jersey Scroad, SunDouche wants to say, “Ya digggggg?” just for you.

So what’s it gonna be, folks?

Does Mega Man finally win the Weekly? Or is the power of Joe Douche too much to fight back? Or does classic SunDouche take the cake? And by cake I mean Tag.

What say you? Vote for your favorite in the comments thread.

DB1 on Playboy Radio

Your humble leader on our societal mission to explore the douchebag plague, The DB1, will be on Playboy Radio on Sirius Satellite tomorrow, Monday morning from around 8:30am P.S.T. to 9am.

I will be in-studio with Andrea Lowell and Kevin Klein (no, not the Fish Called Wanda guy). If anyone would like to call in and discuss all things hottie/douchey, the call-in number is: 1(877) 205-9796.

In the meantime, here’s Andrea Lowell being accosted by what appears to be a middle aged choad busting ‘Bag Hand Gesture #82, the dual thumbs up or the Fonzie. She’s so hot I would, uhm, appear on a radio show with her. While not staring at her cleavage and drooling like a rhesus monkey.