Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Great White Douche

Nothing slaps me awake on a Saturday morning like knowing that Chesty McDoucheclowns are running around placing their greased up Grieco Paws on perfect slices of inner thighs.

Where’s my harpoon gun. I want to hammer a gold coin to a post and take a rag-tag whaling crew out to hunt for The Great White Douche, which is really a metaphor for my own personal demons.

Then I would Bartleby his scrivener. With a blow torch and pliers.

Speaking of abs I would suckle like a hungry sea lion. Not that we were actually talking about abs I would suckle like a hungry sea lion. But if we were, then hers would relate to the discussion.

Stereodouchtonic Twin Douchebags (STDs)

The thing I admire about the Stereodouchtonic Twins is that they don’t give up. Crushed in the Weekly by Peaches’s sublime douche stare/point duality, The S.T.Ds refuse to give up. They never say douche.

They keep fighting for your love. And by love, they mean manorexic ab scrotebaggery.

The Finger

Some men arise in the morning and they think about the day’s work ahead of them. The tilling of the fields. The surgery they’re about to perform. The steering of the cargo ship.

Others wonder how much hair-gel will be required to grow a kumquat out of their frontal lobe.

The Finger here not only managed to rope a Playmate, but also infected her with his douche virus through inverted ‘bag headbutt. The gravitational force of his suckitude actually pulls Hottie’s head towards his. The sideways middle finger simply clinches the deal.

Although chicks with pink Razrs are always a bit suspect.

Where's Hovering ScroadMunch?

Normally I hide a Waldouche in a gaggle of gathered hotties. But this time, instead, I’ve hid a Hovering Scroadmunch somewhere in this sorority sister scrum.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

And what’s with that sun-face thing?

Friday Haiku

Her hills are alive,
With the sound of cleavite. Hark!
Eurodouche is scrote.

Euro mounds abound,
Black scarf Euroscroad douche glove,
Swedish hottie love

— the ‘baggernaut

Rolf, let Ilsa go
and clean your s@#$ apartment
then wash your choad hair

— nostradouchemus

Life is So Unfair
With Naught but Fey Scarf He Wins
Golden Globes Award

— darksock

Hansel is a douche,
Gretyl’s gingerbread body
I shall gladly frost.

— the hate crime

Double 'Baggle

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the future employees of the Texaco gas station down the block from wanting to go out and have a fun night on the town.

It’s the fact they’re pawing my future ex-wife with only the sleazy ‘bag sandwich move. I mean, come on. At least mix it up with a hand gesture.

85 Degree Hat Tilt does mack the ultra rare combo Douchle-Bubble + waist grab maneuver, a +5 on the challenge scale. But otherwise? Come on, douchies. It’s like you’re not even trying.

10 Degree Skull and Crossbones choadmunch simply tasks me with his facial hair. It speaks to me.

10 Degree Choadmunch’s Facial Hair: I grow like dandelion weed to celebrate the scrote of my genetic origins.

Yes, 10 Degree Choadmunch’s facial hair. I knew that.

Argyle

Yes Argyle, her boobs are impressive.

Your scarf, however, is douche.

Courtney Cox Hottie makes the DB1 want to lather himself up with baking soda and go sledding on a chocolate river before offering himself as a cookie to the Sun God, Ra, as testament to her succulent shoulder goodness.

East Meets Westbag

There’s really nothing hotter than the streak hair on an Asian hottie with boobs. It’s the motherload hot combo in the Far East Hottie arsenal. It’s like enjoying a free sushi dinner at Matsuhisa’s house while having your toes tongue-washed by the cast of a Korean soap opera. Good times.

And then there’s Gwai-Lo McToady. Everything that’s wrong with Western culture in one imperialist post-colonial package. Busting the ‘Bag Lean-In, this perfectly dry-cleaned white shirted scrote can’t even achieve a ‘Bag Head-Butt. But even more gloriously, the chin pubes and hawk are achieving a strange mirror echo stage on his head. Like an M.C. Escher sketch on the back of a Mad Magazine face fold-in illusion. It’s an echo of an echo. A whisper that whispers, “douuuuuuuucheeee….”

Fratbar looks like you’re typical mid-Western hell hole of douchebaggery. Someone needs to rescue Geisha Hott with a chopper before she wanders down the Douchi-Minh Trail. And if that’s too many mixed up Asian cliches for one post, I’m gonna wash down my Thai noodles with some Saki. Because I’m mixed up like that.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

Remember that old Sesame Street game? Well I tracked down the lyrics online, but I don’t quite remember it being like this when I was a kid. Times have changed:

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn’t belong?
If you guessed this douchebag is not like the others,
Then you’re absolutely…right!

The Lockjaw Palette Cleanse III

PIC DELETED

Namaste.