Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Green Glasses

It’s a lazy Saturday here in Los Angeles for your humble narrator. I sit on my rug, hung over and stubbly. I scratch myself in inappropriate places and think, “Whither the Jerzscrote?”

But, as much as I’d like to Lysol my eyeballs then scrub them with bleach and cayenne pepper, I can’t.

Because little Kimberly just turned 18. And she needs rescuing.

Before Green Glasses makes “da move.”

The Water Buffalo

Ah yes, the combo head-chew + ab suck move, with just the hint of hand gesture to acknowledge your conquest for the camera. You suck, Buffalo.

Sweet tennis playing Gail Stanwyk of Boyd Aviation, I would buy you beluga caviar, two bottles of Dom Perignon, a steak sandwich and a steak sandwich.

And charge it to the Underhills.

Friday Links

It was another productive and important week here at HCwDB as we journey down our collective path of self discovery and societal mock.

Yesterday’s double Fish Slap and White Chocolate serving may have been harsh, but necessary. Some days we have to ratchet it up around here.

In response to the Michael Phelps discussion, one reader argues the true douche of the 2008 Olympics is Ryan Lochte. Hard to argue with that call. And the true hott is Lolo Jones. Tasty.

A Shirt for a Stud. Speaks for itself.

Only on eHarmony can Anne Marie find love with a giant festering ass pimple.

And while we’re airing out the links, check out this dead guy, who apparently requested that his corpse be placed standing up at his own funeral wake. Bonus: His Last Will and Testament apparently also requested his corpse be dressed up like a douche.

I mean I’m not making fun of the dead guy. Just pointing out that his corpse is dressed like a douche.

We’ve made fun of dead people on the site before. Like Jesus. And Corey Haim.

Reader Mail: Busted at Work

SD writes in:

—-
Just thought you might be interested to know that my boss just crept up to my desk as I was taking my daily hcwdb break and totally busted me as I was choad-mocking/ hott-lusting.

SD
—-

I consider time spent at HCwDB during the work day to be informative, enlightening, bowel movement accelerating and generally a step towards a higher spiritual consciousness. To render visible the real in the truest Kantian sense.

In other words, your boss is a douche.

The Scrotey Mariner Hooks Again

Yes, Mariner. You’ve hooked another one.

And she is a delightful fruit of sweet, sensuous pleasures that drip down the chin in bursts of sweet flavor. Inspiration that cries out for angels to tread upon the high Amazonian winds of delight, inspires birds to sing melodies through the forest in complimentary harmonic convergence, and, uhm, has nice boobies.

Friday Haiku

Rocker Choad Salt Lick,
“Mmm, tatts taste just like chicken!”
Boob stars not amused.

Rocker hott gets licked,
By cheeseball “Billy Joe” douche
Good Charlotte sucks balls

— Maximus Douchemus Meridius

strap the douchebag down
Play checkers on head with hotts
King me star boobies

— the douche is alright

Chad’s new Ninja skill:
Guide a BB through tatt maze
On a stripper’s flank.

— darksock

two hotts in background
discuss third world poverty,
and waxing techniques

— johnny scrotten

Are you my mummy?
Hotts in background not eager
For their turn is next.

— holbrooks douchestershire sauce

School of Fish

That’s right. More Slap.

Slap with his posse.

Take it.

It is your penance for passivity in a world gone wrist-tatt.

White Chocolate Scoffs

Hall of Scrote legend White Chocolate scoffs at Fish Slap’s claim to douchal supremacy.

White Chocolate easily proves his own ability to snag sexy Quartasian hottness while maintaining chin-strap facial pubes and an ass-chin shaped like a soggy bagel.

Primordial Ooze

Like two primordial swamp amphibians, they crawl awkwardly up from the festering swamplands of early recombinant cellular waters, to climb ashore and seek sustenance in the harsh, unforgiving sun.

Millions of years of evolution later, and they can finally make matching douche-faces.

Quartasian Hotts find themselves drawn to the Ooze like moths to a flame.

A flame of douchepoo.

Societal Fish Slap

There are only a handful of uberdouche in the presence of high quality hott that have risen to iconic status here at HCwDB. Maybe five or six total.

Fish Slap is one of them.

An HCwDB of the Month winner and a finalist for the 2007 Douchie Award for HCwDB of the Year, Fish Slap is a true legend in scrotal fungitude. A kick in the groin to 7,000 years of social, intellectual and spiritual development.

Now we see the latest Slap developments. The head bandage triage. The chin strap drawn thinner than a female character in a Judd Apatow film. The angry Dalek laser beam trying to take him out.

For continued excellence in the field of douchal blight, we treat him as only we can.

We laugh at his scrotiness and lust after his girl’s boobs.