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Monday, March 30, 2009
HCwDB of the Week
This week’s Weekly and next week’s Weekly may seem like we’re simply looking to fill up the last two spots to lose to Crosshair McJohnson and Leia in the next Monthly.
But it is a done deal? Are Crosshair’s frosted tips and Leia’s Latino Princesses a “sure thing”? You’re not safe yet, Crosshair. These three gumbys are gunning to take you on.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Doughboy and Gidget
The strange camera angle.
The “straight from Long Beach” gangsta pud.
The hot 1950s “Naughty Housewife” in leopard bikini with pink trim.
The tiny, clear cup of either 1) Urine, 2) liquid amber or 3) Budweiser, the Piss of Beers.
Doughboy is classic West Coast stage-3 infectuous Douchery. Granted, no hand gestures. But the kissy lips and full body dough-tatt tell you all you need to know.
Gidget makes my warm lower regions get warmer. She is bodice ripping goodness. Sweet sweet cans.
I touched her cans.
Her sweet, sweet cans.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ass Pear and Douchehead
For bringing in some 19th Century Germanic folklore in their first appearance, this horrible tale of teenage hormones gone wrong in a cold and civil society brings important historical artifact.
And by artifact I mean those butts are both art, and fact.
There is a certainty to their glutteous roundness that we must locate outside of the simulacrum. That grounds us in “the real.”
It is not our psyche that projects those butt bongos. It is outside of our subjectivity. For they are boingy.
And Douchehead is all that is punchworthy about giant mandanas and facial pubes.
I’d curse his ancestors in Gaelic, then pee on his Saab in the parking lot.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Blenderboy
Featuring the uber-annoying beanie propellor douche-hair, Blenderboy rankles on a number of levels.
The stupid sleve-tatts.
The scrotal chin-pubes, apparently dyed black.
The lime-green shirt that screams “Nerd Punk.”
And Fanny Brice calls for flesh pinching.
I would do naughty things to her old pair of Crocs, which she doesn’t wear anymore because they’re not in style.
Then I would read her passages from an excellent biography on Benjamin Disraeli until she grew bored and turned on “From Gs to Gents.”
So them’s your three.
And three must become one.
And no slacking. I’m looking at you, Kevin in Mississippi and Cheryl in Arlington. Step up and vote.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, March 29, 2009Billy the Exterminator is a Cactushead
I haven’t seen a head that infested since I mud-wrestled that midget for coin in an outdoor market in outer Uraguay during Monsoon season.
(Warning: No hotts, unless you have a thing for raccoons)
Saturday, March 28, 2009Balloons
bal·loon (bə-lōōn’) Pronunciation Key
n.
1. A flexible bag designed to be inflated with hot air or with a gas, such as helium, that is lighter than the surrounding air, causing it to rise and float in the atmosphere.
2. Such a bag with sufficient capacity to lift and transport a suspended gondola or other load.
3. Such a bag shaped like a figure or object when inflated; an inflatable.
4. A usually round or oblong inflatable rubber bag used as a toy.
5. Medicine A sac that is inserted into a body cavity or tube and distended with air or gas for therapeutic purposes, such as angioplasty.
6. A rounded or irregularly shaped outline containing the words that a character in a cartoon is represented to be saying.
7. Maaaammmmaaaa….
v. bal·looned, bal·loon·ing, bal·loons
Saturday, March 28, 2009Breaking: Shamwow! Guy Allegedly Slap Chops Hooker
Courtesy of The Smoking Gun, Vince, the Shamwow and Chop Guy, was busted for allegedly Slap Chopping up a sexy alleged prostitute, pictured here.
Yowza.
I guess she didn’t love his nuts.
Friday, March 27, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
Scrunchybag reminds me of when MoMA ran that great Picasso exhibit a few years ago.
Yasmine Chiquita reminds me that hips with meat can also be lampchop gnaw-worthy.
It’s Friday and the DB1 relaxes in his chair with a porcelain cup of Night Train Fortified Wine, and stares into the Los Angeles haze.
Two squirrels are fighting on the palm tree by my window. One of them has a faux hawk.
Stupid douchey squirrel. I pee on your acorn.
And that, my friends, is my Friday Thought: I pee on your acorn.
Here’s your links:
Mildly amusing parody, Honest College Ad, with a fun HCwDB surprise at the end.
Cock Shots. Don’t have time to screw up your balls? Now you do.
Comedy Douche Vortex, Dane Cook, has issues with his brother. I almost feel bad for the spikey haired scrotewank.
You know what the world needs more of? Shocker gloves. Classy.
This could be the greatest movie trailer of all time: Cat Shit One
HCwDB musical band leader Vin Douchal unleashes his latest opus, dedicated to Bra!!, Bra! The Gun Show.
And finally… the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
Samurai Scrote shreds. It’s not in stereo. It’s in Metaphysiceo. (edit: link fixed)
Okay, you’ve been good. Here’s your Friday Ass Pear.
Friday, March 27, 2009The Nuclear Proton Sunglasses Trend
Okay, what’s with the nuclear proton sunglasses on the douchewanks mugging the Sorority Girls lately?
It’s now a full blown trend.
We’ve gone from suck to blow, people.
I demand answers.
Friday, March 27, 2009Blenderboy
Even the Shamwow Guy couldn’t find anything redeeming in this Blenderboy.
Especially the large, dyed black, chin-pube ants on the Bataan Death March.
The hott may not be modelly perfection, but she is round, plump and zaftig in all the right places. Some might call her trashy. I call it a flesh buffet with dancing leprechauns in which I would stare longingly at her cleavite while chanting the rhythmic “Ommmm.”
And then I’d rub her thighs with Crisco until she grew bored and wrote an entry in her diary about how, like, she’s totally going back to nursing school.
Friday, March 27, 2009No More “Luigi’s Triple Pop”
Luigi writes in:
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Hey Man,
I think the picture and caption of me are HILARIOUS…i really do…this picture is actually from a douchebag theme party…by making the site it looks like i dressed right…i would really appreciate it if you took the picture down though…i’m a district attorney and would appreciate it not being posted…you labeled me “luigi’s tripple pop”…which is a hilarious title by the way…thank you so much and please inform me (if possible) when you take it down…
keep up the great site,
(luigi)
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Feh, I was told the pic was legit, not a dressup. But while D.A.s who can’t spell “triple” deserve some mock, I’m a fair half-drunk unshowered guy, so I’ll scratch myself and do the right thing.
Instead, here’s a luscious Satin Cupcake posing with Elton’s John.
Friday, March 27, 2009No More "Luigi's Triple Pop"
Luigi writes in:
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Hey Man,
I think the picture and caption of me are HILARIOUS…i really do…this picture is actually from a douchebag theme party…by making the site it looks like i dressed right…i would really appreciate it if you took the picture down though…i’m a district attorney and would appreciate it not being posted…you labeled me “luigi’s tripple pop”…which is a hilarious title by the way…thank you so much and please inform me (if possible) when you take it down…
keep up the great site,
(luigi)
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Feh, I was told the pic was legit, not a dressup. But while D.A.s who can’t spell “triple” deserve some mock, I’m a fair half-drunk unshowered guy, so I’ll scratch myself and do the right thing.
Instead, here’s a luscious Satin Cupcake posing with Elton’s John.
Friday, March 27, 2009Friday Haiku
What Zen Force grabs hotts?
Hark! Undercover Stallion,…
‘Tis Samurai Scrote.
Bunny Suckle Hotts
Make sandwich from Samurai
No mustard: napalm.
— Douche Wayne
Got the girls angry.
Way to celebrate Easter.
Between hot cross buns.
— Rage and Lust in the time of Holbrooks
Samuri Scrote pulls
The long tall bunny hotts, his
Eggs; color by Paas.
– Captain Bringdown
And on the sixth day
Samürai Sørote created
Rabbits for pleasure.
— Crucial Head
Poo in a bunny
sandwich. Somewhere Hefner cries,
“I did not want this!”
— Joey Jo Jo Shabbadouche
