Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Taylor Loves Bra!!

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Dear Great and Mighty Douchebag1,

ps. do you happen to know his MySpace? *evil happy grin* b/c I definitely wouldn’t visit it.
— Taylor
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I have no idea what to make of this email. Sarcastic? Sincere? A real college coed? A guy pretending to be a college coed?

Confused, I will instead recline in repose with a tasty cola beverage. Pepsi. No, Dr. Pepper. No. Pepsi.

Is Chest-San a ‘Bag?

Who says there are no Asian superheroes?

Chest San disagrees.

But is he douche? I’m leaning “yes” but figured I’d open up the forum for discussion.

And yes, she may have 64 teeth, but the smile is still delightful.

Is Chest-San a 'Bag?

Who says there are no Asian superheroes?

Chest San disagrees.

But is he douche? I’m leaning “yes” but figured I’d open up the forum for discussion.

And yes, she may have 64 teeth, but the smile is still delightful.

Is This Mung?

While laughing at the Chick Who Makes the Same Face in Every Pic, reader Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein caught the following image and sent it in.

Adolph’s question: is this one of the legendary Oompa Prompas?

It’s clearly not Fung.

Is it a de-oranged yet still douchey Prompa #2, aka “Mung”?

Or is this HCwDB of the Week winning Artificial Douchetelligence? Or all they all parts of the same orangified psyche?

Stu

I hate to admit it, but I kinda like Stu.

Sure he’s got “integrity” tattooed over his belly button just above a cross. Which would be a contradiction in terms. And sure he’s got eight inches of mandana covering the receding hairline.

But Stu reminds me of that minimally employed gym teacher I had in high school. The guy who ran the “Weight Training” class and snapped towels at the football players. Dreaming of his glory days back when he was 16. And I can’t hate on that guy. For he was a minimally employed gym teacher.

Well, maybe I can. Just a bit.

As to the triumvirate of lovely Brunettes, I would softly Lysol wipe each of their bums, and then place crackers and cheese upon them.

No More Wednesday Limerick

All right, all you complaining that the freaky guy I included for creative fun for a Wednesday Limerick wasn’t strictly “douchey” enough on the purity test scale, I’m pulling it.

Instead you get this underwear revealing frattool, and a tasty girl next door.

A little classic fratchoad/hott to slap you upside the head.

Smell it. Smell it.

Now take it.

White Boy

Excuse me, Mr. Boy?

They’d like to know if Tuesday at 3pm works for you to receive the proverbial cap in your ass.

EDIT: I’m gonna go find an ATM.

The Alex-es Shoot… and Score!!

Turns out these two Bottle Service ordering choadclowns are some NHL hockey players named “Ovechkinbag” and “Seminbag.”

Again, I don’t begrudge farmworkers from Kazakhstan celebrating their newfound fame and glory in the NHL by dropping $9,000 on alcohol and lapdances.

I only ask that they not wear the ripped jeans that Gorky Park threw out in 1992.

Bang!! Say da da.

HCwDB of the Week: Popeye the Scroter Man

While the hottness of Tattoo’s hott was strong, the ultimate Aqua-Velva doucheyness of Popeye carried him to victory. The voters speak:

Business-Casual Douche: The bottom line is, Popeye deserves to win because his picture, in all its douchiness, is seared into my brain. The others? Not so much.

Notadouche: Popeye. Who cares about 5 gorgeous women? Popeye has guns, and that’s what’s important here people.

Vin Douchal: Popeye the Scroter Man for the win on sheer audacity alone. He looks like a Russian mobster that doesn’t quite understand what the Witness Protection Program is all about as he mugs for the camera surrounded by ‘Zona hotts that have been on his tab since lunch.

Jac Doucheteau: I’ve changed my mind. Tattoo FTW. I could stare at that copious consortium of mammary tissue until I die of consumption. The wind generated by the passing flight of a cliff swallow could overwhelm the structural integrity of that bikini.

Dead End: Tatoo says I want my $2

M: Popeye inflicts pain and anger. He’s like a midgetized version of the guy in the Charles Atlas ads that ran in the back of old comics, who has completely worn out his schtick and now pleads with his soulless eyes (and his shirt) for the sweet release of death. Only a douchebag of the highest magnitude could block out 5 delectable hotts with such a practiced scrotiferous ease.

Archidouchies: Popeye managed to score himself 5 does. And while they all aren’t delectable, they are all there with him. But I do get a Euro feeling from the picture. It’s very…German, or Russian, or one of those former Soviet Union states.

The Donger: The “anti-tobacco” groups could not have picked a better spokesperson to scare kids straight. Of course, the “anti-HGH”, “anti-Ed Hardy shirts that are two sizes small”, “anti-normal sized testicles”, and “anti-I shave my arms” groups would have a field day with this pic too. Popeye FTW.

ImageWrangler: Popeye. For all the right reasons, and several wrong ones.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Popeye – FTW. What kind of assmunch blocks a potential bevy of hotts?? Especially blondie on the left. For all we know she could be Ass Pear the Goddess, or here sister, or her neighbor, or her gardener’s, nephew’s, uncle’s friend who works with a friend of hers from 31 flavors… Because he blocks her, he needs a barbed wire enema.

Well said, panel. Nicely dissected, but why so little love for the uberhott blonde on the right? Granted she’s hard to see with Popeye’s doucheyness blocking the view. But from where I’m sitting, she’s a biteworthy pear.

As to the runners up, Tattoo and Fantasy Hottland had their share of fans, and came in a close second. And by fans, I mean mockers:

Sergeant Scrote Stain: The smugness. And the Booby. When applying these two criteria, Tattoo is the clear cut winner. And by “winner” I mean anal sore. He “thinks” that he is “cool.” Yet we “know” that he is a “douche.” Conversely, she made sure to eat her sandwiches, and her boobies thank her for that. And so does my wiener.

JayKay: Tattoo for sure. Neckdana, stupid glasses, that hair? And possibly the hottest hott I’ve ever seen on this site.

Sky: But wait! What is this I see in #3? (rhyming unintentional) Ultra-super-hottie + monsterous scrote? Bandana, douche glasses, spiked hair, a t-shirt about partying????? #3 seems to me the most abhorrent. Vote cast.

Bag A: Tattoo FTW. The neckdana and zebra shades did it for me. Oh, and boobies. And ass pear.

sir douchealot: Tattoo FTW. Mandana, Elton John glasses, a shirt implying he’s something bigger, cactus hair, and a hott whose boobies hold the secret to the meaning of life. I just have to smush my face between them for several days to see it…

Indeed, Tattoo’s hot does well have smushy face planting boobiers, good sir. Yet the potential Gaybaggery held the Tattoo back.

And the sad splashy doucheyness of Chia Hawk came in a distant third. Dead End makes the case for why:

I’m sorry, but Chia Hawk can’t even lick Rusty the Frill-Necked Lizard’s scrote taint, let alone win pig f&cking douche scrote of the week.

Well said, Mr. End, and I heartily agree.

And so we give the crown to Popeye the Scroter Man and his five lovely, if hard to see, Olive Oyl Thighs in the background. KeirNotKeir takes us home:

I have to go with Popeye this week. Not just because he is a flexing, Ed Hardy sporting douche nozzle. But because of him, I have no idea what the hotts behind him fully look like. And by them, I mean their collective bosoms.

This is a classic hott/douche pic, and we should appreciate the too tight Ed Hardy Tee. And by appreciate, I mean mock heartily. Then repose with a tasty Pibb Xtra.

Chalk it up. We’ll see Popeye and his quintet of ambiguous hot girls in the Monthly.

More Choadpoo

More from the douche-next-door Choadpoo collection. Think of this as the “America’s Got Taintent” portion of the show.

The part where he mugs a girl in a gnaw-worthy light blue dress that is pure cotton candy. But I did love Choadpoo back when he was a child star playing Jonathan on Who’s the Boss?

Yeah, I just made a Who’s the Boss? reference. And I even included the “?” in the title. Because I’m punctual like that.