Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Macho Gazpacho

Because the truly macho hold their energy drinks “pinky up.”

The Meatwadian Bartender

Oh, Meatwadian Bartender.

Your simian hulking ways make you king of your workplace from 6pm until close.

Sure, Jenny’s forearm is the size of one of your meaty fingers. And your Armani Exchange douche-cloth is bursting at the seams. And your requisite tribal tatt flexes with pride, as you tilt your body with sloping gait.

For you are the alpha male.

And by alpha, I mean douchey. And by male, I mean get me another Rolling Rock.

Breaking: Dane Cook Mocks “Haters,” Still a Huge Douche

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DB1-

– Shamespear the Magnificent
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With apologies to the Dane Cookesque Jeff Foxworthy, if you use the word “hater,” you might be a douchebag.

And yes I know it’s passe to hate Dane Cook at this point. But I just can’t help myself. If douchebaggery is defined as the phoniness of the constructed performative spectacle to acquire the suckle thigh, than who if not Dane Cook? The man could make ordering fries at a Wendys sound like a well rehearsed, focus group tested career move.

Breaking: Dane Cook Mocks "Haters," Still a Huge Douche

—-
DB1-

– Shamespear the Magnificent
—-

With apologies to the Dane Cookesque Jeff Foxworthy, if you use the word “hater,” you might be a douchebag.

And yes I know it’s passe to hate Dane Cook at this point. But I just can’t help myself. If douchebaggery is defined as the phoniness of the constructed performative spectacle to acquire the suckle thigh, than who if not Dane Cook? The man could make ordering fries at a Wendys sound like a well rehearsed, focus group tested career move.

Levitiscrote 3:12

It’s like that ancient Chinese philosopher, or maybe Jesus, once said:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to listen to Phish, and he will smell like poo for a lifetime.

Tighty Armani Just Voted

HCwDB scrote legend and all around chinstrappy party boy, Tighty Armani, sez: Yo! Don’t forget to vote in the Monthly!

T.A.’s still bringing the ‘tude to the sorority pout hotts, I see.

That reminds me, this pud had quite a run with the ladies last year.

Methinks a vote for the Hall of Scrote is in order?

HCwDB of the Month

Boo. And ya. It is here.

Four couples of hott and choad. Four couples enter. Only one may call itself HCwDB of the Month. Only one may earn a slot at the 2009 Douchies in the coveted category of HCwDB of the Year.

Which will it be? Here are your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Anchor Chin and Raquel

There is little missing from this cohabitation of stench and sexy.

In fact, it is nearly a perfect storm of hott and douche.

Of sexy pale cleavite that is begging for the DB1 to grease his head up and do a triple lindig betwixt those soft flesh pillows.

Of punchable Anchor Chin that is all chest shaved chin pubed spikey hair ‘tude.

I mean, just look at his smug douche-pout. Don’t you want to cauterize a kitten’s ears? Yes. Yes you do.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Crimson Goose

Bringing Orange to a whole new level of orangitude, this orangutan introduces a new douchal innovation:

The Goose Fondle + Text.

Factor in his complete ignoring of a self fondling Long Island Hott in slippy red dress, and the pic rises to a strong contender in the Monthly.

Then add in wallpaper books, and you have a visual commentary on how simulation has replaced the authentic in the age of mechanical reproduction.

Every great HCwDB pic needs that extra bonus that renders the whole scene into postmodern art, and wallpaper books does the trick. As do white, cotton undies, which I would awkwardly touch like a confused ape regarding a monolith.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Popeye The Scroter Man

Just try to imagine how the hell Popeye got into that Ed Hardy shirt.

Grease?

Pliers?

Is it actually not a shirt but a spray-on decal?

The hotts are hard to read for quality, but maybe that’s the point.

The Scroter Man has determined that his cig and pecs are more important than a gaggle of woo-hotties.

Which is quite the annoyance.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Waxy McBrow and Rachelle

The only Monthly to feature a series of pics, Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co., McBrow and Rachelle’s European Countries are tough finalists indeed.

Waxy bothered some voters because, other than the Rosary bling, he doesn’t bring a lot of visceral douchitude to the table.

Aha! But note the very subtle boob point.

And pants stain.

And punchable smug expression, all in presence of a sweet, innocent smiling Eurohott.

Okay, maybe not that innocent. But this couple is real, not just a PTP. And as such, it strikes terror in the hearts of millions of Europeans who fear that National Scrotecialism will lead to a dictator who will drive the country to douchal war as part of the infamous “Axe Powers.”

I have no idea what that meant.

So them’s your Final Four.

Think. Meditate on the hott. Ruminate on the choad. Which coupling most rises in foul toxicity to call itself HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

“Casanova” on being in the HCwDB Book

Out of one of the many VH1 shows comes this bonus clip of a “Chris Casanova” reenacting his discovery that he was featured in the Hot Chicks with Douchebags book.

Uhm, no, you have not “moved beyond that.” You are still a huge douche.

"Casanova" on being in the HCwDB Book

Out of one of the many VH1 shows comes this bonus clip of a “Chris Casanova” reenacting his discovery that he was featured in the Hot Chicks with Douchebags book.

Uhm, no, you have not “moved beyond that.” You are still a huge douche.

Greasy Eurobag Saturday

Here’s a classic example of that oily, Euro-peen, small cigarette smoking, entitlement, aristocratic Eurodouche type.

The ones that sit around in cafes and rub their pecs with cocoa cremes. The ones who have what I like to call “Fauxhawks of the Mind.”

And then there’s Katerina. From a small town near Dusseldorf, she was trained by cold and uncaring parents for ten years to be a champion swimmer. Until she rebelled. Took her inheritance, moved to Tuscany, and began dating Antonio.

But I would forgive her her transgressions. With soft, counter-clockwise rubbing of the upper shoulder area.