Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Honorary Douchebag of the Decade: Christian Audiger

The French perpetrator of the Ed Hardy plague has an American Dream.

It is to defecate on every aspect of our culture like a viral infected herp sore on the rosy red ass-cheek of life.

Reader Mail: HCwDB in Leagl Trouble

Friday Haiku Girl writes in:

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Subject: leagl

Thank you.
Brooke
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed
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And moments later:

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I will seek all legal actions to remove myself from this website of yours that you think is so funny. You are a rude and disrespectful person. I have a team working on it now. I am sure you will hear from them by the end of next week. If you would like to continue to steal personal photos and blog on them I am sure you will continue to get delt with by a legal team. How dare you.

Your Saturday Poopaloompa

A de-orangified Poopaloompa is prepping his ginormous head, sharpening his chin pubes and rubbing up on Young Mom Suburban Kim as he preps for the Weekly on Monday.

Gonna be hard to knock off this “Handsome Devil.”

And by handsome, I mean poopa.

And by devil, I mean loompa.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Yesterday, as I waited in line to buy my bottles of Night Train and some tasty Hostess treats to stock up for the weekend, at the local Korean deli south of Wilshire, I had a thought.

As Freud famously wrote in Totem, Taboo and Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh, it is the search for the union of rift in the psyche of the Self that we seek in the Other. This search for Jouissance can never be satiated, and returns only as punctum expressed in the act of mocking douchebag.

Or, as the great Jean-Paul Sartre once asked in a moment of pique at a restaurant, Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup? And the waiter responded, Because of the phenomenological crisis of perception, and he’s doing the back stroke.

Here’s your links:

Geeky pumpkins rule.

HCwDB of the Week Winning Hott Charleez takes a dip in the pool. I would rub her shoulder blades lightly for six weeks straight with only Peruvian coco butters for my chapped skin and a strawberry daiquiri for sustenance.

Russian kids learn to douche it up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the dangers of market based global hegemony.

Attention ‘Bags: Need to see how your abs look while taking a self portrait? Samsung has the answer.

The French blight on global culture that is Christian Audiger continues to pollute Australia, this time with “Ed Hardy Rockstar bowling.”

“Hey, look at me! I’m a cabbage! Good source of riboflavin.”

Streem Master. When you need to take the “ouch” out of douching.

Speaking of animal douche, check out The Chinstrap Penguin. Ladies, how YOU doin’?

And finally, because it was another tremendous week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, this one’s for you:

Collegiate Volleyball Ass Pear. Because you’ve earned it.

The Triple Doucher

With extra cheese.

Vote “Yes” on Prop Poo: The Banning of Shirtless Bartenders

With HCwDB’s recent foray into lobbying activity on Capitol Hill via my newly formed lobbyist group, ‘Bagpac, I’m pleased to announce we are introducing our first official bill in the House of Representatives.

1634.2: “The Banning of Shirtless Bartenders Congressional Act of 2009.”

This will appear on state and local ballots as “Prop Poo.”

Please call your local congresspeople and tell them to vote “yea” on Prop Poo.

Vote "Yes" on Prop Poo: The Banning of Shirtless Bartenders

With HCwDB’s recent foray into lobbying activity on Capitol Hill via my newly formed lobbyist group, ‘Bagpac, I’m pleased to announce we are introducing our first official bill in the House of Representatives.

1634.2: “The Banning of Shirtless Bartenders Congressional Act of 2009.”

This will appear on state and local ballots as “Prop Poo.”

Please call your local congresspeople and tell them to vote “yea” on Prop Poo.

Friday Haiku

PIC DELETED

Gangsta tatt vortex.
Rover dreams of killing cats,
And so does his dog.

Motorcycle? Check
Humongous truck? Check. Pit bull? Check
Credit score? Thirteen.

— Sergeant Scrote Stain

Shirtless, tatted scrote
Lady Gaga’s slutty sis
Welcome to Stenchtown.

— Mr. White

Even Ed Hardy
Doesn’t want this clown wearing
his stupid clothing.

— Douche Wayne

We own none of this
all props for fashion freakshow
Capitalism

— I drink your doucheshake

Skank and sleaze abound
At Douchebag Manor, dog frets
He may catch ringworm.

— Captain Bringdown

Looking at the pic
I’m sure you’ll understand why
we had both neutered.

— Wes

The Poopaloompa

You’ve met the Oompa Prompas.

Now meet… the Poopaloompa.

Ladies, he’s out there.

Gunning for your ovaries with teeny, tiny, little orange spermaspores.

“Flo-Rida” is Mo’ Douchey

We’ve talked about the “Rockstar Leniency Rule” (RLR), in which we grant leeway for successful pop and rock stars to dress in douchesque ways, provided it is part of their performative persona.

Some pop culture examples granted RLR have included Neil Young, Beck, Jack White, Tom Petty, George Clinton, Dave Grohl, Rick James, Chris Robinson, Keith Richards, Jay-Z, the Beasties, vintage-era David Lee Roth (1984), the great Mr. T, bands like KISS, wrestlers in the WWE, etc.

Take Prince, for example. According to the rules, the ‘bag signifiers are rampant. But it’s Prince. It’s part of his theatrical identity, and leads to some kick-ass funk. Therefore Prince is granted RLR, at least based on the visual evidence.

Again, this is not to state that these people can’t earn douche status for real world accomplishments. Only that their visual spectacles tie to their on-stage or performative personas, and are thus considered theatrical, and therefore not douchal.

Recent semi-famous one hit wonder rapper, Flo-Rida? Not granted RLR. Not even close.

Douche.