Tuesday, December 29, 2009

    Stackhouse the Poet Makes Smart People Think Their F*cking Retarded


    Autistic savant free-verse artist, Stackhouse, provides us with another New Years poem. I’ve titled this one, “Some Good Old Fashion HIV Cream Pies Up Ur Ass”:

    —–
    I’m so f*cking smart, I make smart people think their f*cking retarded

    Men do not cry, men do not pout, they jack u in the f*cking jaw

    Dude says let me get a jack and coke and a water. My interpretation to that: can I get a smoking hot dime piece who makes me lose my mind and a condom to f*ck her with. Lol, f*cking cowards drinking water at the bar..what’s next homo’s, u bringing sand to the beach?

    Somthing thats been bothering me….I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling’s legal, f*cking’s legal, why isnt selling f*cking legal? Why should it be illegal to sell somthing thats perfectly legal to give away?….just dont get it

    F*ck u sprint…f*ck with my 3g like that again and ill cut ur ass. What’s popin jump offs

    Some dirt bag stabbed my boys brother in the head and in the chest..my man didnt even go down…next time any dumb f*cks out there try taking down a boss dude with muscles think twice…either end up gettin f*cked up, or sent to prison for some good old fashion HIV cream pies up ur ass…GET SOME

    —-

    EDIT: Reader K writes in to point out that Stackhouse’s first two sentences are actually quotes from the sequel to the Boondock Saints, All Saints Day. Way to stay hip with the indie street cred, Stacky. Get some.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 29, 2009

    The Boobs of Perception

    The douchebag awoke before dawn… he put his bling on… he took his chin pubes from the ancient gallery and then he… pointed at some boobs!
    Father?

    Yes, son.

    I want to wear a mesh cap over an army mandana.

    Mother?…. I want to… point at boobsssss!!!

    These Doors coverbands just lack that original je ne sais quoi.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    The Fernhead


    Who are we to judge true love in Camden, New Jersey?

    Oh. That’s right. We’re us.

    Nice ferns.

    And crotch purse.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    Stackhouse the Poet Asks if it’s “Gay 2 Want to F*ck Ur Self”


    Last week’s legendary poet, Stackhouse, offers free verse over the firing of coach Bobby Bowden:

    —-
    Getting jacked, tan, and crushing beers in Bobby’s honor. Might even crush some pussy, he deserves it

    im going to bed…but Bobby Bowden is more 2 me than Jesus is to u Christians, so I am glad he did work, and instead of being on a cross, I hope he is in Alabama where he want’s to be counting stacks…my f*cking man….I LOVE U BOBBY, it all ends, its what they remember us by that makes us immortal. GET SOME, u f*cking rock star

    Is it gay 2 want to f*ck ur self? I swear, I’m working to hard 4 these jump offs. I have whiter teeth, a better tan and a lower bmi. Ur welcome ladies
    —-

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    Stackhouse the Poet Asks if it's "Gay 2 Want to F*ck Ur Self"


    Last week’s legendary poet, Stackhouse, offers free verse over the firing of coach Bobby Bowden:

    —-
    Getting jacked, tan, and crushing beers in Bobby’s honor. Might even crush some pussy, he deserves it

    im going to bed…but Bobby Bowden is more 2 me than Jesus is to u Christians, so I am glad he did work, and instead of being on a cross, I hope he is in Alabama where he want’s to be counting stacks…my f*cking man….I LOVE U BOBBY, it all ends, its what they remember us by that makes us immortal. GET SOME, u f*cking rock star

    Is it gay 2 want to f*ck ur self? I swear, I’m working to hard 4 these jump offs. I have whiter teeth, a better tan and a lower bmi. Ur welcome ladies
    —-

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    ‘Ranger Rick


    Because nothing impresses the Euro Art Hotts in their Bauhaus inspired Soho loft quite like looking like you just witnessed a Nevada H-Bomb test dipped in hair gel.

    Perhaps this may help, ‘Ranger Rick.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    'Ranger Rick


    Because nothing impresses the Euro Art Hotts in their Bauhaus inspired Soho loft quite like looking like you just witnessed a Nevada H-Bomb test dipped in hair gel.

    Perhaps this may help, ‘Ranger Rick.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    Your Monday Jesus Pecs


    With New Years fast approaching, we’ll hold the first 2010 HCwDB of the Week next week.

    This week, updates will continue in my drunken and semi-vacationed state.

    Your humble narrator is stumbling around lower Manhattan drunk on cheap wines, trying to find a bodega for HoHos at 2am after playing fourteen consecutive games of Duck Hunter. All whilst staring at East Coast educated hottie boob reveal.

    Because sexy librarian hotties in bars arching eyebrows at me make the mortal coil worth enduring.

    While faux-grease-haired Jesus Pecs haunt our collective psyche and rot our culture like a festering nodal polyp.

    The mocking will continue in 2010. Oh yes. It will continue. For our mission statement has not yet accomplished its goal.

    Meanwhile, The 2009 Douchie Awards got some nice press over at our favorite alt-weekly in the heart of Douche Mecca, Las Vegas Weekly. Captain Bringdown for the first-strike response.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, December 27, 2009

    The Typhoid Mary of Scrotebaggery: Christian Audigier

    While the 2009 Douchie Awards are over, let us remember the source of all things douche in 2009.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, December 26, 2009

    Stackhouse the Poet Says “Get Some”


    A little post-Christmas cheer from the Facebook page of “Stackhouse.” I have titled this poem,”Get Some:”

    —-

    I would f*ck that bitch right out of that grey business suit. F*cking women, they have mastered the art of making men sexually aroused in every way possible now. Soon ill be profiling them by what designer brief case they carry not purse

    6 o’clock therapy appt. Me, a mirror, and a set of dumbbells. About to make my self real happy. Get Some

    Getting tan, getting swole, working on the wip, than back 2 work

    Is it bad that I’m looking at my forearms more than any of these whobags. I just got it going on tonight, what can I say

    please don’t friend request me if ur a christian and just looking to spread God’s good word. I don’t care that u a liar, and a closet cum gussler. I care that ur wasting my time with ur ugly face trying to be on my friend list…tighten up chub chubs, I don’t play the I’m fat ugly game

    f u wear a snuggie, suck my dick u pretentious low life. Put a f*cking blanket on

    News flash. If u drink water at a bar u are a f*cking loser, not just a loser but a f*cking waste of siemen and ovarian lining. Step it up u f*cking doushers, or just off ur selves

    love the fat dudes in 50 dollar T shirts mocking the fist pump. Go to a gym, have a girl caress ur biceps, and abs b4 u sleep with her. hit a tanning bed than come get ur mock on. It never ends, the sad part is these busted ass trash bags would get laughed out the club up north, or a strong ass beating. Must be nice ..

    The minute I get out of this tanning bed’ I’m fist pumping the shit out of this thursday.

    Get Some
    —-

    # posted by douchebag1
Older Posts