Monday, March 22, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

Because of all the site transitions (2.0 coming this Friday!) and the Monthly, we have a ton of quality mock-worthy hottie/douchey pics to pull from for today’s Weekly vote. Some tough omissions, too.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda

This pic contains a perfect blending of skeezy and annoying hipsterbag, and tasty, award winning, firmly bounceable, top-shelf quality suckle thigh. And that makes a toxic HCwDB combo.

Freddie is all that is sleazy in Sheboygan.

Brenda is all that is cocaine to the ancient Mayans. Because the Mayans were crazy partiers like that. She is drinkable liquid hott.

I would attend Brenda’s collegiate swim meets because I’m convinced she’s into me.

Only to notice twenty other dudes in the fold-out stands thinking the same thing. And then I would weep quietly into my Slushee.

Von Gimp pitches his tweaked out sleazoid game with the worst of residual “Mystery” echo, and for that, he is to be mocked on this site with great aplomb.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Herpy McFly and Brunette Brenda

Hello!!! Hello!!! McFly!!!

I just love writing “McFly.”

H-McF is nuclear glasses wearing proto-Jerz rankfoolery.

As such, he harkens back to classic 2008 HCwDB. And Classic Jerz shoescrape will always have a home on HCwDB.

And by home, I mean a place to be mocked for looking like a name-brand ambulatory billboard of the worst of garish consumer culture.

Proving the DB1 needs more varied girl names to work into his rotation, Brunette Brenda is quality suckle toesies early Shannen Doherty “bitch-hott.” And do not discount the appeal of Bleethy bitch-hott for the industrial turmoil it causes in the gut.

For that is often the recipe for great sex and a need for Pepcid AC.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Captain Emo

Captain Emo even showed up a second time with Maggie May, and some creepy dude named Karl.

I predicted early on that 2010 would be the year of shift from classic Jerz Guid to the new viral strain of Hipsterbag, and Captain Emo is a perfect example.

Captain Emo pitches his genitalia to the ladies as an “alternative” and sensitive singer/songwriter. But his desire to display his wares in the hopes of capturing a sexy bar wench like Maggie May here roots in the same wristdanna poo.

(Dis)honorable mention to the Nuzz Monkey, the Oldbaggery of The Termigator, the commoditization of Jesus and Holy Red Cup of The Savior Bag, The greasy gaybaggery of Euro Crud and the far too bleethy Purple Nurples taint.

So them’s your three.

Only one coupling may make it to our next HCwDB of the Month. But which?

Vote early, vote now, and vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
5:59 am March, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Only a character from a low-budget vampire movie would wear a black satin jacket and red handkerchief. Well, only that figment of some talentless writer’s imagination… and Von Gimp. Von Gimp FTW.

6:09 am March, 22 RAPETIME said...

Maggie is cute, innocent cute, will listen to my stories with wide-eyed wonder and then jump on me with laughter cute.

Captain Emo is sporting a nice combover and facial hair that I’d like to remove with a wire wheel. Enjoy being bald at thirty, asshole.

They have my vote, and by “vote”, I mean he gets a savage beatdown with a baseball bat. She gets fifteen minutes of my best work with my meat manatee.

6:16 am March, 22 DarkSock said...

Except for the small plasma TV on his bird finger, Herpes McFail is too, ehhh, how you say – generidouche. But his high-maintenance bitchzilla brunette definitely makes for a “most expensive first date” candidate in my book. Because cocaine and rogaine will drain a $30k millionaire with th’ quickness.

I actually started writing in Herr Frederick Von Gimp as the champion simply because he took a day off to attend Brenda’s Zeppelin Races, but her mother in the background is actually yelling at me to please not encourage him, and also offering me a 14-minute post-menopausal cougar wrestle complete with polygrip and an outlaw modified Sybian.

The leaves Captain Emo. And. His. Green. Ascot. This cannot stand; it must not stand. A couple of mall piercings and an Edward Scissorhands / Fred from Scooby mashup, and he’s pulling natural hott Maggy May? Maggy May NOT! Put down the Jaeger Bomb and step away from the unshowered scrote, Maggie. I’m gonna get a couple of hard-ass orderlies to get medieval on his ass with a pack of Q-Tips and a case of Lysol as I turn you away from the spectacle and comfort you by gently poking at your nipples like they were a dead guy two hikers just found.

Captain Emo For The Win. And by “Win” I mean “garrotting with his own lime hanky”.

6:22 am March, 22 melvil duchi said...

This is a tough one but I feel it in my gut to vote for Captain Emo. I think it is the second picture with his “pirate” friend that put me over the edge.

Now to go puke

6:38 am March, 22 'Bagamemnon said...

Well sheeeeiiitttt, can I vote for them all???

Okay, I wanna bang that first girl the most, so I’m voting for Von Gimp.

6:44 am March, 22 bigphatnotadouche said...

Herpy MC- Fly for the choke hold on the blond and potential twosome. He is a true douche. The other EMO’s are pathetic but don’t illicit anger like McFly.

6:47 am March, 22 Big Tony Ventresca said...

I vote for Freddie Von Gimp because on the evening in question he’s clearly consumed a cornucopia of chemicals but his super-douche powers enable him to shrug off the effects and stand up, make a stupid face at the camera, and ruin one hott’s evening.

6:49 am March, 22 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Tough call here.

For me, it’s between Emo and the Gimp. Both pics display a culturally corrosive dichotomy of sweet and the tainting thereof. Aw hell, who am I kidding? If you squeezed Brenda’s boobies just the right way, I’m positive strawberry milk would spout out. She’s fantatsic. And the Gimp belongs in a box in a basement somewhere.

FVG and Brenda FTW.

6:50 am March, 22 Anonne Huntress said...

Wait, Freddy/Ming the Merciless didn’t appear this week, but a long time ago. huh?

That said, the vote goes to Herpy. Emobag is emo and can’t help himself. It is just his nature.

6:57 am March, 22 Deltus said...

Gotta go with Freddie and Brenda. He is 170 pounds of shiney-shirt-wearing, ridiculous-red-poof-tucking, spikey-frosted-hair-having, awful-goatee-growing, gaybag-guyliner-sporting assmunch choadlick hipsterbag fail. She is 120 pounds of incredible-boob-showing, little-black-dress-rocking, perfect-teeth-flashing, gorgeous-face-having blonde bombshell you’d give your left arm to be with win. The other contenders were worthy indeed, but you just can’t compete with a contrast like that.

FVG and Brenda FTW.

7:01 am March, 22 Chad Kroeger said...

You still have cigarette machines down there? I must get in my highly tuned 1975 Camaro, my Rumours 8-track, and pick me up some Marly lights.

My wife left today. Will she come back to get the kids? Will I notice if she does? Is Jack Daniels the only medicine besides cheap sherry and dollar store aspirin. Fucking mailman!

I vote for the Sunday Dancing Clown and the Big Fat Black Girl from Precious.

7:06 am March, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Captain Emo FTW. And for that, he should be keelhauled. Hat tip to the Brenda twins.

7:12 am March, 22 fatness said...

Brenda is what long walks in the park, sunsets on the beach and snuggling by the fire were invented for.

Freddie Von Gimp is what unventilated crawlspaces were invented for.

Freddie and Brenda for the Weekly.

7:19 am March, 22 Justin said...

FVG-FTW

His hair, the shiny hef jacket, the make-up…I want to burn him at the stake. Brenda makes me want to sing “Dream-weaver” while punching my clown.

7:22 am March, 22 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Freddie von Gimp for the win because, aside from an outfit that wouldn’t catch fire even if I dragged you down a Texas back road behind my pick-up, few things say douchebag more than having your wingman take your picture as you crush your bartab into the boobs of your ultra hott hostess.

That and Mr. White is so badass he writes his code with the petrified cockk of Carl Sagan.

7:23 am March, 22 dbBen said...

Freddie Von Gimp

It’s like we’re throwing poo in the melting pot.

7:30 am March, 22 End the Haberdouchery said...

Freddie Von Gimp. He burns the candle at both ends. When he leaves the club he’ll be hopping into his Honda Civic, removing his guyliner and combing his hair down. The satin jacket needs to go too. Why forsake such fashion you ask? Because his shift at Denny’s starts in an hour and he can’t get written up by his manager again for showing up with makeup on.

7:33 am March, 22 Scooby Douche said...

This is so fucking easy. Brenda is so incredibly hot, my dick is raw from enjoying her cleavage.

Whatever person she is in a photo with looks like a complete douchbag. And Freddie certainly fits that bill. To quote the lovely and talented Sigourney Weaver, “Get away from her, you bitch!”

7:36 am March, 22 Chad Kroeger said...

I just saw Justin Bieber on The View. Please shoot me thrice. Once for this prick and two for having the View on in my office.

7:38 am March, 22 Chad Kroeger said...

Why do Emos brush their hair towards their mouths?

7:50 am March, 22 Crucial Head said...

Captain Emo is the biggest douche.

Brenda is the hottest hott.

After wrestling with my penis, a small dollop of lotion and three Kleenex’s, a decision has been reached by a turgid knockout…

…Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda, FTW.

8:00 am March, 22 nona said...

Freddie

8:01 am March, 22 Alex said...

It has to be Freddie von Gimp, and let me tell you why. McFly is your standard 2007-2008 douche–he’s pure Jerz poo, he likes fake tan, and he wears to much bling. But the important point is that he macks on douchebagettes. McFly, the douchebagettes are yours; you pose no threat to me.

Capt Emo–I salute you. You have pulled a quality hott. But you’re groping her, and sadly, she’s just not that into you. And you have on more guyliner than your lovely hott will wear in her entire life.

FvG represents everything that is the modern douche: overly done spiky hair, a velvet suit with matching pocket square that is (badly) complimented by your douche-chain, and the facial expression that screams “rapist, but i’m sensitive.”

Brenda, please see the errors of your ways. I know free bottle service is nice, but when the price is hanging with Uber-chode, you know it’s time to leave.

8:07 am March, 22 MoeDouche said...

Freddie Von Gimp FTW!

The saddest part is that Brenda seems to be REALLY into him. Another sad pairing that we must mock mercilessly.

8:07 am March, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Anybody who writes a paragraph about Herpy McFly and doesn’t even mention Blondie’s enormous rack might be gay. Just sayin’.

8:11 am March, 22 Cheesesock said...

No Cookie Earlobe and unnamed hott? This is a travesty! I’m casting a protest vote in their favor. That kind of skeezy-pudwankery is too severe to ignore.

8:11 am March, 22 Anonymous said...

I vote for Emo. Anyone who can wear a snap ringin their nose commands some respect and admiration. And even though “the morning sun when it’s in (her) face, really shows her age,” I would be more than happy for Maggie May to wreck my bed, and in the morning kick me in the head, (as long as it was done with good intentions.)

8:29 am March, 22 Architeuthis Dux said...

Von Gimp.

8:41 am March, 22 Troy Tempest said...

OK – first off – Herpy McFly is an uber douchewad. However, after working the deli counter at Safeway for three more years, he’ll have run out his credit cards and will no longer be of interest to anyone except the crack-wraiths who collect every night at the Skankbank known as the Dew Drop Inn.

It’s a battle between Freddie and Emo. And frankly, it’s Freddie. Captain Emo is 21 years old and simply hasn’t figured himself out yet. Eventually he’ll ditch the hipsterisms when he gets a job shuffling paper for Edison Electric, and starts wondering how he’s going to manage a nine to five and get pussy on a more regular basis.

But Freddie? Nope. For Freddie, you’re looking at him at his pinnacle, which is the nadir of Western Civilisation. He won’t get better, he will simply get older and staler and eventually crust into an oldbag who’ll be crooning to the bleeth fairies of 2025

“I’m not too ole fo’ you bebeee – HEY WHERE’S MY TOUPEE?”

And the giggle woo hotts will say “Freddie – you’re so sweet! Will you BE MY FRIEND” and at that point his dick will have a heart attack and he will cry inside because he’s so emo.

No – friends – it has to be Freddie, for he is the mechanised dogshit of satan, burning in the paperbag of Western Culture on the porch of history.

8:45 am March, 22 Red Headed Woman said...

Freddie von Gimp and Brenda.

8:50 am March, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The asshattery is strong with these three. I must consult with Samurai Scrote and Lamp on this one. BRB…..

Yes, yes, ah ha, yes, yes. So it will be done my lords…

Freddy von Gimp and Brenda FTW! It is only through determined mocking and sacrifices that we receive enlightenment. The quest starts by staring into the sacred fire stoked by jelly dongs, black tar heroin, donkey jizz, whale cockk, and a can of AXE Body Spray. Several hours later one can achieve the path to true mock after the mind has been cleansed. That and the fire gets A LOT bigger when FvG is added to it. I do not ask about their decision, I just accept it and move on.

8:57 am March, 22 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Captain Emo. Since he answered the question “Whatever happened to my Welsh Terrier’s bandana”.

9:02 am March, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Instant Hall of Hott for Brenda

Brenda …

The most beautiful sound I ever heard:

Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, Brenda . . .

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .

Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. . .

Brenda!

I’ve just fwapped to a girl named Brenda,

And suddenly that name

Will never be the same

To me.

Brenda!

I’ve just jizzed a girl named Brenda,

On my monior I’ve found

How a wet splashy sound

Can be!

Brenda!

Say it loud and there’s music playing,

Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.

Brenda,

I’ll never stop saying Brenda!

The most beautiful sound I ever heard.

Breeeeeeeendaaaaaaaa

Brenda and whomever stands next to her in any photo FTW

Apologies to Leonard Bernstein & Stephen Sondheim

9:11 am March, 22 Baleen said...

Tough call.

Look, we all had our moments of identity crisis back in junior high or whatever but this emo shit is fucking retarded. If I was depressed in high school, I didn’t start cutting myself and wearing makeup. I loaded up a bowl of cheap Mexican, shut the door to my room, and listened to Pink Floyd’s “Wish you Were Here”. That was about it. Captain Emochoad here is pullin girl-next-door hott in a bar that serves drinks in plastic cups. He’ll probably bang her tonight and still cry into his cellphone the next day. Fuck these the emochoads and hipsterbags in general. I see the future and it is Poo with eyeliner.

Captain Emo FTW and by “win” I mean razor blades.

9:17 am March, 22 scrotum pole said...

Brenda, your boobs are a thing of beauty. Von Gimp your entire persona is a thing of doodie.

And, because I think I detect Brenda’s hand, ever so subtly pushing Von Gimp away, I like to believe there’s still hope for her.

Von G. and B, FTW.

9:36 am March, 22 justadouchalo said...

Boss, thanks for the especially fetid selection of poo this week; either it was a ‘target rich environment’ or you’ve been working OT. Brenda and that “morning after dining at the White Castle” shit next to her for win.

9:55 am March, 22 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Freddie and Brenda FTW. She is wholesome boobie goodness. He looks like an emo’d version of Hans from the first Die Hard movie. The disparity between her hottness and his shittyness nauseates and angers me so much that I gave an elderly cripple a curb stomp on my way to work today just because I was thinking about this photo. See what you made me do you fucking Gimp! See what you made me do!

10:02 am March, 22 Deltus said...

Freddie Von Gimp does look like Alan Rickman gone horribly, horribly wrong, don’t he?

10:14 am March, 22 Kelly said...

Captain Emo definitely looks like his parents didn’t hug him enough and left him alone with eye liner for too long. I think there could be a 3 way tie with the amount of douche all of these guys personify. Check out my site that chronicles the life of douches as well.

http://www.submitadouche.com

10:17 am March, 22 Merle Baggard said...

FVG in a landslide. He reminds me of the old Steve Martin joke, “I started a grease fire at McDonalds. I threw a match in the cook’s hair”. Why is she with that?

10:33 am March, 22 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Today upon logging onto my beloved HCwDB, from which I have taken a must needed occular vacation, I exclaimed in pure horror, “what a f*cking douchebag!” when “the Gimp” sneered at me through my moniter. My father walked over and asked, “what’s a douchebag?”

I pointed to the screen.

He grabbed the nearest #2 pencil and shoved it into his watering left eyeball. I then had to spend the rest of the morning in the ER. If that doesn’t win the weekly, I just don’t know what it will take.

10:35 am March, 22 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

And Regs, how do you set up an account/log into your old one? Haven’t been around the past few weeks to learn the new tricks.

And by tricks, I mean boobs.

10:40 am March, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

‘Sup Serge, where you been? Go back to the front page, upper left-hand side, click “Register”. Welcome back.

11:05 am March, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Oh, Brenda. How I would court thee with love poems, roses by the dozen, and chocolate truffles delicately filled with my semen. I would yank my pud every morning, whisk evaporated cane juice briskly into my own spent meat cane juice, creating a smooth and frothy fondant. Cooked to soft-ball consistency I would fill dark chocolate egg shells, which are simply representations of your ovarian candy products, and watch in utter delight as you gently bite into them dribbling sugary white spunk down your chin and splattering on your rubenesque milk missles.

Oh, Heaven hold me!

But first, I would beat Freddie to death with the wet end of his own arm and feed his face to a bunch of starving Siberian hamsters.

11:15 am March, 22 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Kelly^

Uhhhh, with the exception of Beck and maybe the last image, all the other douchebags pics look veeeeeery familiar. Plus, promoting your own website? I dunno. I hope that’s the last time you do that.

11:30 am March, 22 Mr. Bagoo said...

Herpy McFly FTW, “for looking like a name-brand ambulatory billboard of the worst of garish consumer culture.”

The others are just too unnatural. They would not be found wandering the streets like ol’ Herpy. A lime green bandanna-ascot with matching sweatband? Please, just kill this Emo creep, but that getup is not a prototypical signifier of the douche. Von Gimp has the goat, and obviously sleeps on his left side, but he would be mocked and spit upon by douches (like Herpy) and non-douches alike, so he can’t risk exposure to the outside world.

Herpy has to take it, because he is everything the others aren’t, which is literally everything that douches are, and isn’t afraid to show it to the world.

(and by show it to the world, I mean you need to watch your kids on the playground when Herpy is in town)

11:30 am March, 22 Istis Est said...

@ Kelly

[yaaaaaawwn] Glen Beck. Seriously?

That’s so worn out. Where’s your “Rush Limbaugh is a douche” entry? Cause that’s been done to death as well.

11:37 am March, 22 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Looks like the luck ‘o the Irish is not with Capt. Emo. Deep six this ‘bag straight to the monthly.

11:42 am March, 22 Scrote Douche-N-Harmony said...

Captain Emo, because Maggie May is top-notch and he looks very uncomfortable in his douchness. He is evidence of a guy who has been dragged into the lifestyle by years of Fall Out Boy and doesn’t know how to get out. Girls like Maggie hanging on aren’t helping, and now he’s stuck in a world of horrors. As a teenager he was a lost goth, sketching dragons at lunch time, and now he doesn’t know where else to go as a semi-adult.

11:46 am March, 22 Comex_Preacher said...

@ chad kroeger (at 7:36)

yes i know, i feel your pain justin beiber makes me want to throw lumps of asbestos at everyone in this world, he really gets my goat, lets place a car bomb at one of his concerts(we can stack a load of ammonium nitrate in the trunk of a cop car so people wont suspect anything), or i might hire the fictional notorious hitman Carlos Van Vittejonk to kill him, he only charges $3000 for a bullet in someones head.

11:51 am March, 22 Hong Kong Douchey said...

FVG and Brenda. Did one of the bartenders finally work his way in to a picture with the maid of honor at the rehearsal dinner?

12:37 pm March, 22 Euripidouche said...

freddie von gimp and brenda ftw…

it really shouldn’t be close, freddie von gimp partied with xenu, that’s the word on the street.

12:56 pm March, 22 Colossus of Choads said...

Emo for the victory.

He’s got ‘tude on his ‘tude. And lime green thingys.

12:56 pm March, 22 El Caganer said...

Buying your clothes from a homeless ladies shopping cart is not “a look”. Von Gimp for the win. Blondie for the HoH.

1:02 pm March, 22 Southern Scrotic said...

Blonde Brenda’s showing a nice rack, so FvG FTW.

1:08 pm March, 22 Em said...

Looking at Von Gimp makes my skin crawl. Looking at Brenda makes it uncrawl. Looking back and forth at Gimp, Brenda, Gimp, Brenda, Gimp etc does to me what the name “Mufasa” did to that hyena in The Lion King. If a HCwDB of the Week Finalist turns you into a retarded scavenger, your body has voted.

1:26 pm March, 22 Cybele said...

I think there’s evidence of Brenda, the waitress with the always winning smile, pushing away the toxic kissybag and using his bar tab to protect her tip-enhancing rack from actual contact, wheras the Blingbag is getting love from a blond with an impossibly perfect, mesmerizing breast. On breast alone, blondie and the reflective Hardybag, for whom douchery verily glints from every surface.

1:51 pm March, 22 creature said...

tough choice between Capt. Emo & Freddie von Gimp…. although the Capt. looks like he could hould down a job @ Kinkos if he employed a lil’ soap, water, shampoo & mouthwash, while Freddie has made a life choice of being eternally slimy… bring out the Gimp ftw.

1:52 pm March, 22 creature said...

… all that & Brenda has a luscious display of visible fleshy handwarmers

1:53 pm March, 22 G said...

Gotta go with Von Gimp this month, if not only for the sweetness that is Brenda. I can imagine sucking her toes after walking through the peanut-cased floor of our local watering hole, and contemplating the meaning of life.

Von Gimp for the ‘bag of the month….for Brendas sake.

1:55 pm March, 22 Blair said...

No, they all suck. I can’t choose. They all deserve to win (lose).

2:41 pm March, 22 Voulez-vous doucher avec moi? said...

Well I guess I am seriously in the minority voting for McFly. He looks like a very poor man’s GSP, only without the sexy, sexy calves. This chump, from crap hair to Kanye glasses to Bedazzled ™ affliction t-shirt to self-assured smirk to religious iconography hanging from his spindly neck – ick-poo. Dhewchey. McFly FTW.

2:52 pm March, 22 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Brenda is too lovely for words, while Freddie looks like he’s about 40 years old and should know better.

Which he obviously doesn’t.

FvG FTW.

3:17 pm March, 22 Whoop-di-douche said...

Brenda and the F-word Von Gimp are the all-too-perfect combination of this site’s iconic Hotchick with Douchebag. She’s a Hall of Hott qualifier, he qualifies for the Dungeon of Dung Beetles.

3:55 pm March, 22 massengill said...

I want to give Freddie and Brenda the win because of the boobs, but I’m going with the classic jerz pud, Herpy Hancock. I mean, Herpy McFly.

4:04 pm March, 22 Medusa Oblongata said...

Freddie: Satin is for panties, not menswear. Douche. For most original adouchetrements coupled with greatest grossification on undeserving gorgeous hottie, FVG FTW. Also, I think Alan Rickman is kinda sexy, so an extra kick in the balls for ruining that for me like you ruined Brenda’s Friday night.

@ Kelly

I’ll say what my fellow ‘Baghunters are to polite to say: You’re too late, this is the king of douche-mocking sites and you have the tired, routine sense of humor of the average talk-show host. I say this without looking at your site, for there is no need. Anyone who would go to Home Depot and pass out flyers for the hardware store they opened in their broom closet is a nincompoop. Unless you’re here to post a link to your internet sex tape, shut up about your lamefuck site.

4:22 pm March, 22 One for the Choad said...

Blonde Brenda is the hottest hott, but I have to go with Captain Emo FTW. The Gimp is a raaaaaaaaging douchebag, but I don’t hate him as much as I pity him. Emo, on the other hand, I want to feed to the giant worms in Peter Jackson’s “King Kong.”

4:26 pm March, 22 Guy LaDouche said...

It’s been a while since I’ve voted. But I’ve returned and must say that this week’s lot has given me pause. Because, I hate all that is Jerz. I guess it was the inundation of the Joey Porsche Experience, Fung, and the Prompas. With all of that, Herpy really was going to get my initial vote. However, after looking at EMO Turd, one thing changed my mind. The mark of the turd…it continues into his HAIR. There can be no discussing this. Not even the pud pulling monkey that calls Jerz home has that. The neon green ascot nor the matching armband help this hopeless child gone astray’s cause. If there is a way to send him here, to the land of the Taliban, I’m sure I could find some poor helpless Afghani man to take him on as his Man Love Thursday boy toy, because that’s all he’s good for.

EMO FTW

5:50 pm March, 22 Evil Otto said...

I vote for Captain Emo. You should vote for Captain Emo too. If you don’t, it’s because you don’t understand him. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HIM!!!

5:55 pm March, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Really? You deleted my comment for using the word ‘gay’? I am stunned.

5:56 pm March, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Sorry. My bad.

6:07 pm March, 22 Wedgie said...

Von Gimp is the weiner…..biggest choad and hottest hottie. I dislike him on sight; WTF is with that jacket? And that hair? And that fuccen red hanky?

And Brenda, what is your excuse? For fuck’s sake, you are a tasty morsel, with righteous cleavite that should be properly worshipped. And by worshipped I mean drooled upon.

Freddie for the weekly, and Brenda for nuzzling.

6:08 pm March, 22 Wedgie said...

Oh, and I forgot to say “gay”. So delete me already.

6:21 pm March, 22 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

First off, I’m in favor of waiving the mandatory waiting period and immediately inducting Brenda in the Hall of Hott. She is that damn fine.

Getting to the douchebag side of the equation, Cap’n Emo sports a mandana AND a wristdana. Because, you know, just one would not be enough. His hair is reminiscent of early Edward Scissorhands, he has classic chinpubes, apparently applies his guyliner with a Wagner power painter, and his facial expression is oh so very punchable. Based on the pictorial evidence, I feel comfortable concluding that he is more of a scrote than Freddie von Gimp. Which takes some doing, I will freely admit. I would bet green money that Freddie spends hours gazing into a mirror, practicing raising one eyebrow just perfectly and that he seems to shop for his clothes at the Chechen Pimp Outlet Mall. In the end, though, Freddie is a slightly douchier than garden variety choad. In this week’s contest, that’s enough, as he gets to ride Brenda’s luscious decolletage into the monthly.

7:13 pm March, 22 ehcuodouche said...

Imma go with Von Gimp this week. He’s just like the other emodouche with less emo and more douche. And Brenda has nice cleavage…mmmm…

I’m sorry what were we talking about again?

8:07 pm March, 22 The Douchemare on Elm Street said...

Von Gimp ftw. Brenda’s expression is that of a woman who lost a bar bet and now has to take a picture with the greasiest piece of choad in the club. Which she does with good humor and delightful cleavage.

BRENDA MARRY ME! I’VE GOT CREDIT CARDS!

8:44 pm March, 22 Wedgie said...

“Chechen Pimp Outlet Mall”. Fuccen brilliant, Muad’Douche. I actually squirted a little piss when I read that.

9:29 pm March, 22 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Guyliner, and a jacket that only John Mayer could love. Von Gimp FTW.

9:50 pm March, 22 1:00 AM Anon said...

Herpy by far. for he is a shade of orange that would make an oompa loompa cry.

9:53 pm March, 22 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Brenda’s hair momentarily got me to thinkin’ she had some kind of weird tit crease and as a result I wasn’t as turned on as much as I should have been. Then I realized it was just her hair at a funky angle and it was okay to masturbate again. Freddie Von Gimp is the lead singer in some godawful low rent “insert metal genre here and substitute with the word ‘shit'” band. I think we’ve seen this picture a thousand times already, and it’s kind of boring now. Give it a rest, jackhole.

You know that feeling when you step in dog shit barefoot and it smooshes between your toes? And you can’t ever seem to get it all out, and the rest of the day you feel like you still have shit stuck in your toes, and your hand smells like shit because the paper towel tore and you ended up shoving your index and middle finger right in the thickest part of the turd mush? So the rest of the day you’re just fucking angry and you feel covered in dog shit? Herpy McFly is the human incarnation of that exact feeling.

Which leaves us with Captain Emo, the green handkerchief of doom, and Maggie May’s sweet perky bosom. What’s going on with the flipping rooster hair anyhow? That look was played out in 1997. Godammit who the hell let Orgy define the look of an entire generation? Maggie May’s sweet perky bosom soothes the savage beast stalking my brain, and I am sated.

What was I saying again?

10:24 pm March, 22 pv1 said...

It’s gotta be Herpy McFly because as soon as I saw Brenda I totally forgot about how painful the transition to HCwDB 2.0 has been. Also, he is the only one wearing (white) hatta blockers.

10:25 pm March, 22 Scrotus Maximus said...

Captain Emo, without a doubt.

A poster boy for All That You Don’t Want To See From Your Kids.

Stay outta my neighborhood, Captain Emo. I WILL sic the dogs on you.

1:27 am March, 23 Bob said...

FGV FTW

3:04 am March, 23 Steve L. said...

if Stephanie and the Nuzz Monkey made the cut, the Nuzz’s indefensible ass pear gropeage and Stephanie’s half-MILFy hotness would’ve gotten my vote in a heartbeat. but in this instance, i must vote for Herpy McFly. for he made me realize that you can’t always look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. sometimes douche-tinted glasses need some love too. in more ways than one. and by love i mean poo.

4:30 am March, 23 Publius Choadius Naso said...

So I’m looking at this week’s collection in the context of “Who is worthy enough to go up against the likes of StackHouse and Grillz?” For sheer spectacle coupled with quality hawtnesses, there is only one. He leans in to her with that stupid “Yeah, I’m smooth!” look on his face that has been featured in high school yearbooks since, like, before Rome fell. He wears a satin sport coat fronting a garish, red handkerchief as if to say “Yeah, I’m a magician, too” when all it does is make him look like some dink who got lost on his way to Prom In The Hood. Brenda is bright. And behind her and Freddy you can see an older version of Brenda in the background–after she’s been a tenured professor of post-colonial literature for many years–saying “You know, I used to go out with this guy when I was working on my Master’s. We came here once, I think.”

Freddie von Gimp FTW.

6:38 am March, 23 Ohio F J said...

Nemo FTW

6:38 am March, 23 Ohio F J said...

Emo FTW

8:39 am March, 23 DarkSock said...

@ Douchble Helix

I deleted a SHIT TON of insurance and Viagra Spam earlier; I mean a string as long as my fuccen leg. If your comment was deleted maybe it was me going too fast; if that’s what happened then I promise to be more sober next time.

Otherwise, let me assure you by saying “GAY”.

Lady Gay-Gay.

Rubbery Gay-Ping Butthole

gay-de-gay-gay; das gay. Donde Esta Los GAY.

8:39 am March, 23 DarkSock said...

Gay.

8:44 am March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@El Bastardo Magnifico

Probably one of the best “Vote without actually selecting a Douchebag for the Win” that I’ve read in a long time. Had to go to the bathroom myself after that. Not to fwap but to make sure I’d properly cleaned up after my morning constitutional.

Well done. And by well done I mean no leftovers.

8:46 am March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@DarkSock^

No worries. You didn’t delete it.

9:56 am March, 23 Anonne Huntress said...

Freddie didn’t appear last week, he appeared on March 2. He should be disqualified, if he wasn’t good enough to make it into his own week!

3:45 pm March, 23 Wheezer said...

I choose Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda FTW this week…..or month, as Anonne Huntress puts it. I think that delay is because of the site work being done.

Anyway, this choad has the gall to blend Alan Rickman with Tom Green, then adding a dash of Jonathan Schmock while wearing bad knockoffs of Hef’s smoking jacket and Dennis Rodman’s foundation. Worse, he’s daring to touch Brenda, all that is girl-next-door boobie cutie fine. I weep for the future.

4:51 pm March, 23 Dex said...

I, for one, feel somewhat disturbed that I may be getting desensitized to many of the different breeds of douchebag out there. Cap’n Emo, for example. I’ve seen that guy a thousand times on a thousand continents. Always with his neckdanna, guyliner and piercings, and that ridiculous haircut that isn’t even hot on Rhianna ever since she got the taste smacked out of her mouth.

And Herpy, he’s nothing fresh and exciting either. Sure, he looks a damn fool, but if I were to go to any nightclub in any college town, I could find five dozen tools just like him. And I’d pee on every one.

But Freddie, he is the over-achiever of this week. He looks like what would happen if Shadow the Hedgehog became real. His jacked looks like it was woven from strands of his own hair. If I were to pour water on it, would it absorb, or bead off the surface? Were I to point a fan at him, would his hair bend in the breeze, or snap like so many twigs? And what the HELL do I gotta do to jump down into Brenda’s corset-titty-cleavage and forget the rest of the world exists? The toxicity of the whole situation sends my brain into an endless race on a hamster wheel. Even Brenda’s Mom showed up in the background to make a “I don’t know what the fuck is going on either” face.

Thanks for backing me up, Brenda’s Mom. Now show me where Brenda’s room is. I have a burning urge to smell her soiled undergarments.

6:03 pm March, 23 Guy LaDouche said...

Where’s Flyteeth when you need him Darksock?

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