Monday, April 12, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

Our last Weekly before the Monthly brings three quality cuts of choice U.S.D.B. disapproved hottie/douchey slabs. Three may enter, but only one may taint supreme.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Squid Brothers and the Squee Girls

And lets not forget Bernie Squid going solo.

The Squid Brothers are classic Miami “hustler” poo. As such, they are to be mocked, and then kicked out of the Armani store on Miami Beach Drive. Because it’s closing. And enough already.

On the flip side, the Squee Girls are raunchy Hooters hott. The type you hate yourself for desiring, then get too drunk to care. I’d don linen bedsheets dressed only in a mumu and with my face and upper shoulder area painted in dayglo Bosnian oils depicting small birds and woodland creatures until Becky Sue called her BFF Monica and asked if I had had a troubled childhood.

And then I would fall asleep, softly whimpering in her detached garage which her parents had planned to turn into a one bedroom until Timmy left for the ROTC.

Do I babble over boobies?

Damn straight I do. I blame my early obsession with the Hot Chick on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood who always talked to King Friday.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz

Never has a more appropriate name been bestowed upon a young ‘bagling than we find with Mr. Punchmyfacekowitz’s moniker.

Clearly, classic ‘bag attributes are brought forth in spades in this pic.

And by spades, I mean neuters.

So we can all agree that Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz deserves to please have his face punched. Kowitz.

But what of Tonya? Surely, she’s got real world attributes enough to carry some level of HC to balance the equation.

But enough older sister pro-am skater sexy to win the Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

This was a tough one. While Jed the Creepy Wankscrote clearly is one of the most shocking of the next-gen emo cookie ear creepazoid freakshow douchescrotes to ever be featured on the site, Penny’s braces just make me uncomfortable.

She’s either fourteen, or nineteen. I can’t tell anymore.

So I was gonna disqualify the pic on account of Penny being highly probably underage, and hottie lusting really should begin at no earlier than ambiguously 18. However if this ain’t HCwDB in all its disturbing imagery, I don’t know what is. So it’s in. It’s made the cut. But lets focus on douche mocking here.

Either way, Jed will be elligible at the 2010 Douchies in the Most Likely to Give the Herp to a Farm Animal category .

Also likely to appear at the 2010 Douchies in one of the Hott categories: The tasty oiled up perfection of Dr. Rosentongue’s Maureen.

So them’s your three. Which rises to the occasion of most disturbing HCwDB pic?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:14 am April, 12 Doucheasorus Maximus said...

FIRST!!

Jed & Penny FTW!! Only because it makes you scream WTF!!!!!

7:20 am April, 12 RAPETIME said...

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny. Penny is fourteen. Jed is obviously one of H.G.Wells’ “Morlocks” come to life, crawling out of his subterranean hell to find a tasty snack before descending out of the painful, painful sunlight.

Penny, he doesn’t like you (at least not in the way you think) and he’s not going to give your daddy fits when you bring him home. He’s got hold of you because you, my dear, are what’s for dinner.

Human, the other white meat.

7:25 am April, 12 Wheezer said...

It’s gotta be Jed the Creepy Batboy. I think you could remove the underage(?) chick and he’d still pull this one out. Never mind the stupid tatt pattern – Jed has Ol’ Chap pointing, laughing, and saying, “Dude, WTF?”

7:29 am April, 12 Claude Douchenburg said...

It’s guys like this that gives weirdo’s a bad name.

7:31 am April, 12 Bromancer said...

Definitely Jed the Creepy Wankscrote. He makes me want to invent time travel just to go back and stop him from ever being born. While Puncy is indeed punch worthy, only Jed inspires me to break the laws of physics in order to save tasty tasty coeds from foul Gollum-like caresses. Because you know he wants to put his Precious into her One Ring.

7:31 am April, 12 El Queso said...

Kathie Lee and Hoda.

7:37 am April, 12 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

First off I’d like to say that Jed scares me. If he doesn’t shove a couple cheeseburgers down his rancid hole pronto, the ink in his tats will continue to account for 20% of his body weight. And Penny better run along home before her mom finds out wha she’s up to. Bad girl.

That being said, I must cast in for Pleasy and Tonya. The dichotomy is strong with this one. And by strong, I mean smells of haggis.

P and T FTW.

7:40 am April, 12 Chad Kroeger said...

Jed and the braces girl. Nothing says Jed like lithiun and rohipnol. Jed also has a very large head for a very small girl with unspeakable body decorations. When I was a fine young cannibal my only decoration was a Rob Roy and cocaine in its sweet powdery form.

7:42 am April, 12 DoucheYouWannaDance said...

Is there ANY QUESTION that Jed is the creepiest?

Good Lord, if I saw that douchwank headed my way, I’d cross the street to avoid getting some on me.

7:44 am April, 12 uscrascal said...

this week’s pick is quite the challenge. on one hand we have the ultimate creepster and bonafied weirdo Jed, whose tattoos and stretched ear lobes are almost enough to make me vomit… instead i just get the chills and have to look at young, not-so-hot penny’s creamy white skin and thigh/hip/ass curve that i know tastes delicious. on the other hand we have the Punchmyface kid, who just really needs a punch in the face just to knock the loser out of him. his dancer girlfriend isn’t that hot either, but her rump could make a man weep as well. but i think the ultimate douche-to-hott ratio is personified in the two Squid brothers and three Squee girls picture. there is no denying these guys are supreme douchebags, and the girls are top notch plastic hotts. the other two guys are just a creep and a loser, and their babes need more boobie. Squids ftw!!!

7:50 am April, 12 Douchble Helix said...

I’m conflicted. Heart-boobies, as you all know, causes stirrings in my loins.

Jed, however, takes this shit to a new level. He requires multiple viewings to absorb all that is douchebag about him, yet his abject wankery makes multiple viewings nearly impossible. Look at his leg. What the fuck is that tattoo? Did he shave that leg to make the tattoo show up better? Look real close, and you’ll see his piercings. You know where else this piece of shit is probably pierced? Please, don’t answer. The ears, the hat, the high school phys ed swim suit? It never ends with this bag o’ rocks.

I’m voting for the boobies. Squeegee Bros and Squee Girls.

7:55 am April, 12 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Jed. Because carnival freaks deserve a douchie too.

7:56 am April, 12 Mr. White said...

Jed is the creepiest by far, but on the other hand, I suspect he might just be mentally ill, so I feel bad busting on him. And although I have often expounded on these forums regarding the difference between pedophilia and the natural lusting for post-pubescent hott, looking at Penny is making me feel dirty, kind of like Juliette Lewis in “Cape Fear” dirty.

So I’m going with Pleasy Punch. His sneer shows disdain and contempt for the entire world, which is sad on two levels. For one, he doesn’t know what the words “contempt” and “disdain” even mean, and for two, the universe is supposed to have contempt for YOU, Pleasy, not the other way around. Tonya may not have the rockin’ cuteness of skater-lust-object Sasha Cohen, but her taut tummy and winsome smile work for me. Don’t listen to those Russian judges, baby. You get a 9.8 if you do a triple on my axel.

8:06 am April, 12 The Fourth Horseman of the Douchepocalypse said...

Tough choice this week. I WAS going to vote for Jed and Jenny, but I’m not sure that this creepy, emo-tastic, scare little kids with my leg tatt, dangling ear lobe, meth addict induces enough rage within me. Jenny is quality pasty hott and the braces are helping the cause, but still no rage. Just getting the willies thinking he is going to fly into my room later and watch me fondly from the corner.

The only pic that induces so much rage that I may “Hulk” out later is Punchmyfacekowitz. He is all that is wrong with the Ohio Club scene right now. EH, 160 degree hat tilt, a jacket that was constructed from a 1972 couch and some fake bunny fur AND, worst of all, the confused look on his face wondering if he starts his shift at Radio Shack at 9am or 1pm tomorrow. All the while ignoring Tonya. Mmmm….tasty, skater, innocent next door Tonya.

Punchmyfacekowitz and Tonya FTW!

8:08 am April, 12 Baleen said...

Jed FTW because a fuccen hammerhead shark wouldn’t even get close to this piece if shit. Where’s my flamethrower?

8:14 am April, 12 dbBen said...

Jed, because he made some poor tattoo artist go “down-there” to ink Mumra and roses.

…and because I can’t unsee him.

8:17 am April, 12 kneejerk said...

I refuse to believe that Jed is human. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.

8:26 am April, 12 boatbutter said...

If Jed doesn’t win, I will renounce all that is important to me.

8:29 am April, 12 Colossus of Choads said...

I vote Gollum.

8:36 am April, 12 massengill said...

I never want to see Jed again, but I wouldn’t mind seeing the Squee girls again.

Squid Bros. FTW

8:42 am April, 12 El Caganer said...

Well, here’s a little story about a scrote named Jed. A douche so creepy, he could barely keep himself fed. Then one day when he was in the mood, he went to the shore to reveal his ugly tattoo. The beach folk said move your towel away from here. So he loaded up his van with a underage hott, and moved to a fucking dank bat cave.

Banjo plays on.

8:44 am April, 12 El Caganer said...

Jed ftw. Squid Bros. For best hotts.

8:45 am April, 12 melvil duchi said...

Well, let’s see

Jed and Penny get my vote. Jed is too far gone. never coming back. Penny can still be saved. Run Penny Run

8:50 am April, 12 ehcuodouche said...

While Jed has at least a dozen ways (is that a swimsuit or some underwear he picked up off the side of the road in Costa Rica?) to give me nightmares for the rest of my life, he and penny are more in the creepy freakshow category than the douche category.

And the Squid Brothers bring the classic South Beach Scrote, the Bleeths are way too Bleethed and really didn’t do anything for me.

Which leaves the aptly named Punchy. We haven’t had a really good screen wrecker in a while, and Punchy has perfected the face that says, “Yeah, I’ve got obnoxious huge-head hat tilt, garishly colored Ed Hardy, and did you check out the frill on my bomber jacket? Can’t you just hear the stiff just-off-the-rack leather crackling through your speakers? What do you think of that?”

Well, Punchy. I think I’m going to punch you in the face, THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN! ARRRRGHHHH!

This entry was submitted using a replacement monitor.

8:59 am April, 12 doucheblaster said...

maureen is HOTTTTTTTT!!!!!

Jed is the most disgusted shocking thing you have to force yourself to look at…i vote for the “tattoed thing and the hot chick with braces”

9:27 am April, 12 justadouchalo said...

So I ask myself, which one of these do I want to punch in the face the most. Squeegees? Nah, their hell is just beginning; these South Beach retreads will have them beat down in no time. Jed? Drive a stake through his heart maybe, but punching him would actually require physical contact and that shit is surely catching.

Leaving Mr. Punchmyfacekowitz, which I will gladly, thanks for asking.

Punchmyfacekowitz and tasty Tonya ftw.

9:35 am April, 12 Army of DOuche-ness said...

I cant decide if we need to get AWAY from DB’s just being guido types and start making fun of the “subculture” bags or get rid of the guidos and have a psuedo-“puink” world.

regardless, this week i say Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

Army of Douche-ness

9:35 am April, 12 clam fist said...

The Squids for the weekly. They bring the hotts your momma warned you about, but when it comes to hotts, who listens to momma?

9:44 am April, 12 Deltus said...

There’s no doubt that Jed is creepy douchescrote taintstain. He is, all things considered, the biggest douche here. But Penny, possibly-underage somewhat-tastiness aside, frankly doesn’t really *do it* for me.

Pleasy is douche, but not really dedicated to the craft of wankery. The clothes don’t seem to be part of him yet, and honestly that a piss-poor kissy-face. Tonya, as well, falls short on the Hott Meter.

Which brings us to Squid and Squee. Beach douches, both of them, with (probably) unearned dog tags, upper arm mandana, meaningless tatts, overdeveloped abs, stupid hair, and oversized aviator shades. The Squees are delicious trash Bleeth nuzzle. The things I would do if Heart-Boob Bleeth told me to, you have no idea… *motorboat*

Anyway, Squid and Squee FTW. You can smell the Axe and cluelessness from here.

9:48 am April, 12 Skyler said...

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote. While I don’t think Penny is truly lustworthy when compared to other weekly winners, Jed is just too wrong to pass up. He is everything wrong with civilization, a clusterfuck of crazy, that I just can’t ignore.

9:50 am April, 12 Bagnonymous said...

I’m going with Pleasy & Tonya this week.

Sure, Jed’s fuccen creepy, but it’s more “ignorant spectacle” than outright doucheyness (plus, y’all know last year’s Wretch-a-Sketch would kick Jed’s scrawny ass any day of the week). And Penny? Meh.. Busch-league at best, if she’s even legal.

Nay, Pleasy represents pure “punch my face” scroteness, whilst Tonya most definitely holds up her end of the “HC” equation, in all of her tight, flexible-limbed, boner-inspiring petiteness.

9:50 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

Jed and The Precious Penny ftw Because We hates the DoucheBagginses; We hates them forever! *VULVA!*

9:52 am April, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Jed and pasty Penny just don’t bring the hot chick part to the equation. And Jed may play the maracas in a Santana tribute band, “Oy Vey! ¿Como Esta? so on that basis alone,… fuck him

Punchy? Just punch him. Kow -witz ..!!

The Bro’s bring it all. Their hotts, especially Leggy Brunette are as Bleeth as Bleeth can be without being named “Bleeth”.

I like saying “Bleeth” . Bleeth! Bleeeethppfffthhhh….

Squid Bros and the Hooters “B Team” FTW

10:06 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

There was a nightmare pale Gilligan

Out to cop an underage feel again

Nine short months later

He can only hate her

Cuz she forgot The Pill again.

10:09 am April, 12 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Tough call this week. I think everyone agrees that Jed is a cancerous pimple on the ass of humanity. But he is one hot shot of black tar away from being removed from society forever. Fuck him. And saying anything about Penny will put one on Chris Hanson’s speed dial rather quickly. Moving on.

The squid bros are just typical brain dead South beach guidos. Not bringing anything new. Not doing anything special. We’ve seen your kind before boys. You don’t impress us. And your bleeth’s are too skanky to lust after. I fear them and the drug-resistant STD’s they carry.

That leaves Punchy and Tonya. He is a smug suburbanite choad that truly deserves a shot in the mug. Cheap pleather coat with faux fur liner, ten degree hat tilt, Hardy shirt. He has all the accoutrements and thinks that they somehow make the man. They don’t, Punchy. They make you an asshat. Fuck you. And Tonya may not have the large mountains of mammary goodness but she has a look in her eye. A look that says “Boys have overlooked me my whole life because of my small chest. If you pay me fifteen minutes of attention, I will allow you to do unspeakable things to me and beg for more.” And I will. Punch and Tonya FTW(L).

10:10 am April, 12 Doo Schnozzle said...

Can I split my vote?

1/2 a vote for P.P. , due to the pleather jacket

1/2 a vote for Jed, for the underage. 15’ll get ya 20.

10:50 am April, 12 doucheywallnuts said...

Creepy Wankscrote for the win. I have had nothing but sleepless nights since this picture first posted on Shabbos last. Jed displays the classic douchebag accessories, but turns it up a notch – BAM! – by wearing little girl underpants on a body that is more female alien than male human. The girl is superfluous. Jed don’t need no steekin’ bleeth to win DBotW. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even matter that Penny looks like a bloated, colorless corpse that washed up on shore after a week at sea.

The aptly named PunchMyFacekowitz is a distant second and definitely wins my “Who I Wish Cancer Upon” award for the week.

10:54 am April, 12 Genital Electric said...

Please Punchmafaceka… and cute lil’ Tonya FTW.

He’s trying to look like even more of an obnoxious ignorant turd than he already is, and she just looks waaaay too happy to be there.

11:00 am April, 12 The Blessed Scrotini said...

Jed and Penny FTW. He’s got that nice choad flavor and she’s got that mystery flavor i want to find out more about.

11:07 am April, 12 Scrodecai Douchler said...

Squid Brothers for the win… if the sideways middle finger cup grab wasnt enough, bandana arm clinches it.

11:15 am April, 12 Troy Tempest said...

The Squids are uberdouche, but the chicks are uberbleeth. If they had any innocence about them, the Squids would win, but they don’t so they won’t.

So, between Jed and Punchy, I have to go with Punchy.

Why?

Because Tonya is hotter than Jed is douchier.

Penny’s a sweet kid, but seems like a kid – a hapless victim of circumstance, a pasty dull girl with no allure as she hasn’t lived long enough to make decisions and mistakes, other than being in the same county as Jed.

On the other hand, Tonya is an adult. She seems like a dancer – I bet you could bounce a quarter off her butt even when she’s asleep. And with all that musculature, I’m sure she can crack walnuts with her kegels, and if that doesn’t give you an instant scary boner, you’re in some kind of sexual coma. She could just sit herself on top of you and not even move much – just let her guts jerk your prong into weeping submission.

I’ve dated some ballerina type, and it’s all true. At the same time, they are also completely neurotic, ultra-high maintenance narcissistic harridans who will make your life miserable. Mellow dancer? Sure – if she’s a crappy dancer. But if she’s any good she has that look that Tonya sports – that ready and willing look of ultra-high energy, and that look will drive you around the bend with her nonstop chatter, chain smoking, and bulimia.

So, it’s gotta be Punchy McDoucheface and Tonya the erotic surfboard.

11:15 am April, 12 Evil_Redheaded_Stepchild said...

An intriguing conundrum, but for me the Squid Brothers win the day, steeped as they are in pure douche essence. And I don’t mean Vulva.

11:17 am April, 12 crazy-sexy-douche said...

For bringing back the the Marky-Mark, err, Douchey-Douche look back from the 90’s as well as Tonya for bringing the Judeo-Pixie-Natalie-Portman-Sasha-Cohen-figure-skater look: Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz FTW!!!!!

11:25 am April, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

If there was a god Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz would have been on the plane that went down in Poland and, as they investigated the Black Box recording they would have clearly heard his shrill voice from the back pissing off the woman sitting in the chair next to him by spewing “Leg room? Shit, what this f*cking plane needs is more hat room! Gawd them chili coneys I had before dis flight are really workin’ my ass. Whoooo! Can you smell that? Jesus it burns when it comes out. Like my coat? Yeah, I made it outta a couple old bean bag chairs. When I move my arms real fast ya can still smell the old farts. Hey, you got nice cans, you know tha–VAG-BLAMMMM!!!!!!!

.

And Tonya traded boobs for ass and hair you can yank with all you got and she won’t even scream. At least not in pain.

.

Punchy and Tonya FTWeakly

11:43 am April, 12 Sal Undy said...

Punchy and Tonya, because he is a load that should have been swallowed, and Tonya is quality.

11:47 am April, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Gotta go with Jed and Penny on this one, purely on the absurd dichotomy of the photo. It could be subtitled “Worlds Collide”. Penny will grow out of this slightly awkward phase she’s in. She is teenage and unbleethed and that points to a promising future. That creamy, white untanned skin will stay soft and smooth well into her thirties, and her face will stay unlined and glowing as well. Her father still laments her budding sexuality and she has yet to fall into that skanky, hard-drinkin’, bump-and-grind Spring Break BS her friends are into.

Until she meets up with Jed. However, you can see from her uncomfortable pose that she’s still wary of bad boys and trouble and doesn’t want to get into a spot. Good girl, Penny.And when Jed comes knocking with sweet wine and marijuana, you do the right thing and say no! This is prime scumdouche rubbing up on innocent flowerness and I just can’t abide by that. Not at all. And I have a special hatred for these clowns who get these symmetrical crotch tattoos. They’re a fucking nuisance and a pain in the ass and men should not be getting tattoos on their vaginas like sorority girls.

Jed and Penny FTW

11:48 am April, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Damnit, I still can’t get this right.

12:05 pm April, 12 soy bomb said...

Hmmm…an eclectic trio this week for sure. First we have the Super Douchey Squid Bros and their Assortment of Filthy Skanks to consider. They seem rather pedestrian as far as douches go! Yes, they ignite something dark in the deep recesses of my soul which shall not be named, and Squid on the left gets kudos for attempting some sort of one handed ‘bag gesture/hott grab all the while holding a rare-assed clear cup, but they just can’t bring it home this week. Sorry douches and skanks.

.

Second, my eyes actually stop working when I attempt to look at Jed and Penny so I really can’t form an opinion on the pasty duo. Moving on, moving on…

.

Pleasy and Tonya For The Win this week. I’ve always given more weight to the facial expressions that these ‘bags make more than other douche signifier; simply because they know that the camera is about to capture the moment and it’s literally the last thing they can consciously do in order to leave a specific lasting impression. Pleasy wants us to punch him in the face as hard as we can. We know this because he legally changed his name to Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz and he’s making the corresponding face. God, how I wish I was there to make this pud’s dream come true.

12:05 pm April, 12 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Jed and Penny for the win…because well…yeesh.

12:08 pm April, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

True, Penny and Tonya both have plenty of compact-booby/possibly-underage lustfulness going for them. Pleasy and Jed both inspire visions of the mulcher scene in Fargo, but it’s obvious that the double-trouble dog tag duo is in the hizzee. Toothy McButtchin’s this-is-how-far-my-boyfriend-can-fist-me white armdana is just too much. And I see you standing there all coy, my Loreal black-haired beauty. I would gladly pay your entire tuition at UF, even knowing you’ll simply drop out your junior year, just for the chance to get physically threatened by your dad for creeping around their house during the day and drinking out of all the garden hoses.

12:29 pm April, 12 the motley douche said...

Jed and Penny are creepy, not douchey. There is a difference, even if the retinal scarring is the same.

I almost voted for Pleasy and Tonya because she is all that is Natalie Portman-like goodness, but I think Pleasy is young enough for straighten his hat (and by extension, his life) and turn things around for himself.

By default, the debacle that is SB & SG gets the weekly. There is enough scrote and bleeth in that concoction to make me want to scrub my eyes with comet and a wire brush. But I won’t because, well…that would hurt.

12:34 pm April, 12 Hong Kong Douchey said...

This Weekly falls under win through elimination. I cannot vote for the Squid Bros as they are just more of the same and their Girls would likely make you itch in the bad place. I cannot vote for Penny and Jed because she is underage and I wouldn’t last long in prison. So, I must vote for Tonya and Pleasy.

12:45 pm April, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Pleasy & Tonya FTW,

12:53 pm April, 12 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Jed.

I’m hoping that Penny lost a bet. That’s the only explanation possible for this one.

1:00 pm April, 12 Sorta Damocles said...

I’m surprised how difficult this is….There is no doubt that Punchy needs a spade to the face. Tonya is probably the highest quality of hott for this week with that swimming/gymnastic/clean smelling all day thing going. The Squids are standard issue Vegas choads with the obligatory bleeths.

.

And then there’s Jed. Anyone who is giving this guy a pass is crazy. He is at least 21 and probably closer to 30. And who does the Douchebag hit on? LIttle Penny. Do you think Jed is going to be the kind of caring lover she needs to develop a healthy sex life and positive self image? Only if your definition of “healthy sex life” is her making sure to bleach her little brother’s GI Joe doll that Jed made her steal so he could be sodomized with it while screaming “Yo Joe”!

.

Jed ispires the most peacful people to violence. Even the Dalai Llama would want to bitch slap Jed.

.

Jed FTW…..Yuck!

1:30 pm April, 12 Turdacious said...

IGGY FLOP FTW AKA Jed and Penny

This looks like a new species of a bottom dwelling septic tank slug

1:58 pm April, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Yes, it’s definitely a strong contention between Jed and Pleasy. And hopefully that contention is in an octagon where they scratch each other to a mutual death.

I think I will have to go with Jed and Penny though, on the whole permanence/commitment thing. Yeah, Pleasy is looking to get punched. But maybe tomorrow, he can look in the mirror, wake up and say “what was I thinking” and change his appearance right there. And Tanya looks strong enough to bring him back to the light.

No such luck with Jed, whose bulimia and tattoo fetish seems permanent and matured, his douchal creepiness tattooed on his rotten soul. And poor underage Penny is yet another victim to said scrotal ways that killed rock music.

2:05 pm April, 12 Horace Dangleballs said...

“Creepy” doesn’t even BEGIN to describe Jed. I’m at a loss… but I can’t bring myself to vote for him.

The hanging lobes. The ludicrous tats. The “boy’s small” square-cut swimsuit. The utter lack of any kind of physical condition most likely caused by a diet of Red Bull, crystal meth, and generic-brand cigarettes. Judge Smails’ hat should have got him that free bowl of soup… but no. He instead went to the beach to cling to a pasty, vacationing, prepubescent Penny. He’s a SLEESTAK for cryin’ out loud! I can’t, in whatever good conscience I still possess, vote for this duo.

So — Pleasy and Tonya or the Squids and the Squee?

I’ll have to go with Pleasy and Tonya. While he and the cuttlefish brothers both have the attributes of the douche, the Squee have that “professional” look to them while Tonya has a rather fetching “come hither” look to her.

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll start using “hither” as a synonym for “face.”

2:21 pm April, 12 fatness said...

Jed for the weekly. It doesn’t matter who or what is standing next to him since his choadfoolery completely obliterates anything else in the frame. Junior High Penny is just background to his unbelievably putrid presence.

2:58 pm April, 12 Claude Douchenburg said...

The Squid bros arent that douchie but the hots with them are the hottest. Pleasy is pretty douchie in a more retarded sort of way. But his hot isnt that hot, but if she is a dancer, that throughs a whole new element into the mix. Now Jed is super scrote scum. My god what is this world coming to? Jed is way beyond Douche. He is douche on drugs. So because of that and his hanging on to 15 year old Penny, I am sorry I can’t vote for him. So count me in for Pleasy and Tonya.

3:03 pm April, 12 Tits McGee said...

This weekly is a tough one. There are hott/nott-type questions as well as if-I-had-a-revolver-and-only-two-bullets-who-would-I-poke-before-I-blew-my-own-brains-out-type questions.

The Squids are terrible. Bad tats, bicep-dannas, dog tags, hand-gesture number one. These are baggtastic scrotewastes. The Squees are hott, but also gleam of bleeth. The one on the left is curvaceous to a fault – Christians regularly scale her belly in search of Noah’s Ark.

Pleasy is without a doubt one of the biggest shart-suckers I have ever seen. He is a papercut on the taint of a menstruating hippopotamus. DONE. Now Tonya has the makings of a nottahott, but then I look closer. Nice backyard… cute next-door face… who cares if her chest won’t develop until next year when she starts complaining that her first-year chemistry lab T.A. won’t let her into the classroom because its 2 minutes past the hour?

Jed… oh, Jed… Jed is human garbage. Jed gives human garbage a bad name. He’s bad news on a day that the good news relates to impending Armageddon. Penny, on the other hand, even if she IS over 18 (which I posit that she IS due to the navel piercing), is nottahott. She has a lazy eye, and a fifty year old catlady’s taste in headgear…

Pleasy FTW.

3:11 pm April, 12 Desert Douche said...

Pleasy and Tonya FTW!

Jed and Penny are just on a daytrip to the beach from the rehab center, so anyone’s allowed to act douchie when they have a 6-hour pass of freedom.

The Squids are your typical poolbags who are becoming all too common, although their hotts are the cream of the crop this week.

Pleasy is the town wank who once had a 90-minute layover at the Miami International Airport and is now the shitz in Chillicothe, MO, where he bothers people like Tonya– who should be concentrating on her gymnastics routine for this weekend’s Midwest Regionals instead of letting grope bag cop a feel– about how he toe it up in South Beach.

3:13 pm April, 12 Mr. Bagoo said...

As horrific an example of “humanity” as Jed the Creepy Wankscrote is, there is a distinct difference in the douchosity here. Jed is a freak, a silly, slimy little creature who is no real threat to breed very often. You are seeing him/it in his/it’s prime, the prepubescent Penny is as close as he will ever get to a hott (and she is a not), and even she is leaning away from him/it. Jed thinks he is freaky, but not sexy.

Pleasy however, can be expected to breed as long as roofies are available on the black market. Tonya may not have the largest rack we have ever seen, but she is top shelf quality reality. Reality, which separates Tonya from the pack of wild herpes that are slithering around the Squid Brothers, is very important for my fantasies. Speaking of the Squids, I have a hard time voting for photos with multiple “duches,” I like my votes to be a little more personal and aimed directly at one atrocity.

Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz FTW, Tonya for my next ex.

3:20 pm April, 12 douche equis said...

Squid Bros., best of an unexciting set. Jed is just weird, and Please Punch is not douchey enough to win.

3:23 pm April, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

I am way too creeped out by Jed and Penny to even consider voting for them for the weekly.He actually gives doucheosity a bad name, as if that is even possible. Douche has to have some semblance of style, at least. How could I possibly vote for what looks like sewer detritus?

Therefore, I cast my ballot for Pleasy and Tonya, as in “PLEASE get his screwface outta my sight” and “Gee, that Tonya must have a screw loose to be hangin’ with him.”

3:29 pm April, 12 Douche Springsteen said...

Maybe I’ve just been spending too much time with the films of Aki Kaurismäki and have been connecting with his Everyman protagonists, but my vote goes to Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz. For my money, his douche-next-door aura combined with her girl-you-never-had-the-nerve-to-talk-to-after-homeroom charm far outshine the spectacle created by the other two contenders. Anyone can drink too many Puckertinis on spring break and take embarrassing photos, yet Tonya and Punchmyfacekowitz present themselves in the full bloom of the innocence of youth without the slightest shred of spectacle or self awareness. Bliss was it in that dawn to be a douche, but to be young was very heaven!

4:08 pm April, 12 Douchetros Douchetros Ghali said...

All three are econo size boxes of Summer’s Eve. How to pick a winner (loser)? I’ll go Larry Miller on this one. Who would I least want to be stuck in the car with on a drive to Florida. And the answer is Pleasy Punchmyface. Pleasy would obviously have the worst taste in music, and while none would be able to hold up their end of a conversation, I think that Wankscrote might at least be able to talk about something other than fist pumping and getting jacked with his friends. The Squid brothers would probably just preen in the windows and give each other handjobs.

4:18 pm April, 12 The_Postdouchster_General said...

Oh dear god it has to be Jed the Creepy Wankscrote.

I mean the candidates are all quite good, but I physically shuddered at the sight of this combination of a young fawn and this strange douchey creature! Which I could only previously describe as a ‘Golem-from-the-Lord-of-the-Rings’ look-alike.

Plus, WUT THE FUK IS TAT GUY WEARING AS UNDERWARE?! Looks like a baby-stripper with a fake bulge.

4:24 pm April, 12 Douche bigalow said...

the brothers squid are the clear winners de scrote

4:29 pm April, 12 Scott said...

Definitely Jed the Creepy My-God-What-the-Hell.

Penny is probably a very nice girl, but only middlin’ Hot Chick. But Jed is just about the most revolting thing I’ve seen. He’s almost Lovecraftian, like a tatted-up Formless Spawn of the Elder Gods.

4:29 pm April, 12 Douche bigalow said...

jed forgot her bikini top

4:30 pm April, 12 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Even if she is underage, there’s hope Penny can learn from her mistake and turn her life around.

Jed is just all kinds of wrong, and needs to be hung by his earlobes from a pair of grappling hooks.

Jed FTW

4:47 pm April, 12 Father Guido Sardouchey said...

The Squid Bros. are skeezy, the Squid Girls are squeezy, Tonya looks easy and Pleasy makes me queasy, but Jed just makes me hurl. When he’s not chasing barely legal girls on the beach, I’m sure he’s plucking insects off nearby palm trees with his tongue.

Jed for the win, and Penny for my cabana after I’ve checked her ID closely.

5:32 pm April, 12 One for the Choad said...

Everyone in that first picture is trying way too hard to take seriously, so they’re out. And that leper in the third pic is out, too. That leaves Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz and Tonya FTW. She’s no Charleez, but she’s the only one of the five girls I’d even think about hooking up with.

Sorry, no dazzling one-liners in me today. I blame the lack of sleep. And booze. Mostly booze.

5:43 pm April, 12 Alex said...

Squid brothers and Squee girls FTW…. perhaps I’ll write a lengthier explanation later; but I’m tired at the moment

5:43 pm April, 12 G said...

Gotta give it to Wankscrote – and leading for the creepiest douche of the year

6:19 pm April, 12 scrotum pole said...

Jed and Penny FTW.

Please get these two a chaperone, some counseling and for the love of God, some sunblock.

6:35 pm April, 12 creature said...

Jed hands down… just bleahk!

7:05 pm April, 12 ehcuodouche said...

Punchy at least has to get credit for having a huge head. Jeebus, it’s bigger than Barry Bonds’.

7:11 pm April, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Without a doubt, the winnah this week is Jed the Creepy Choad. And by win, I mean Penny wins.

Well, if she can escape the clutches of JtCC…

7:46 pm April, 12 Douche Meter said...

That’s not Jed, it’s Gilligan after years of meth smoking on the island.

And those holes in his earlobes? That’s for the Skipper to use as hand holds to make sure he stays his little buddy.

7:52 pm April, 12 Manimal said...

(Shiver down my spine) – FTW? Creeply-WankLeftScrote…

Just looking at that pic for even a fraction of a second makes me want to go back to licking the Pigeon Dung on the window sill…

After a steady rain.

8:36 pm April, 12 Scooby Douche said...

Shit, hadda work late, now gotta do the tax returns. So I didn’t read all y’alls comments, forgive me if I repeat your wise and insightful observations.

Weak weekly. Tonya and Penny, fugly and fugly. Ima say no way.

Squid Brothers, sufficiently douchy to advance this week. They hotts is bleethy, but at least they gatz some boobs!

Squids FTW.

9:05 pm April, 12 Dex said...

Jed takes it beyond the point of douchebag. He is now sideshow circus cotton candy vendor material. I can’t even classify him as a douchebag. Penny is only posing with him because when she’s talking about her weekend on Monday morning before first period algebra, she wants photographic evidence of the amphibious thing she saw at the beach. Look at her, she’s leaning away as far as she can. She’s afraid if those dangling earlobes touch her, she’ll slowly start to transform into a member of his species. Not that it’d be a huge loss in the first place. She’s a B- at best. He’s a South American tree frog hyper-evolved by the Los Angeles nose-up-your-own-ass attitude. All I want to do is return him to the rain forest where he can be out of sight and out of mind when he is burned alive in a fire set to clear land for cattle farming.

Squid and Squee are lame and boring and don’t deserve my attention.

Punchy is, head-to-toe, everything that makes me want to destroy the world. Tonya is everything that reminds me of why freshman year kicked so much ass. She is real-world college hot. She’s easily swayed by the powers of persuasion, and only lives two floors below you so it’s not even a hassle going over to “her place”.

I cast my vote for Mr. Punchmyfacekowitz and Tonya. Give me both their addresses. I want to do very different things to each of them.

12:43 am April, 13 The 'Bagel said...

Jed and Jenny FTW. Jed is the black sheep the Munster family doesn’t talk about. And Jenny… well, in Germany she’s legal at fourteen.

12:55 am April, 13 Steve L. said...

if anyone from this weekly gets randomly pulled over in southern California, only Jed the Creepy Wankscrote would have cocaine and heroin in his trunk.

i base my observation on no factual grounding whatsoever.

Jed FTW.

1:29 am April, 13 Scroberto Baggio said...

I vote for Jed. Of all the disturbing images posted on this site, his is still the only one that might actually qualify as an important part of the evidence in an Interpol-case.

2:37 am April, 13 Istandouche said...

Jed is so creepy that he transcends the definition of a douchebag. No wonder DB1 had to think twice before including in the competition. Plus, Jenny is simply not that hot. Squid brothers and the bleethed-out girls paint the perfect picture of what “hottie/douche” mockery is all about. Squid bros ftw.

7:13 am April, 13 Tony Ventresca said...

Easy choice this week, at least for me. Jed is simply so creepy that he has to be my choice. He could (and probably needs to) suck the blood from any douchebag ever posted on this site. And yeah, she’s old enough. Once you’ve seen 45 year old trophy wives with braces, then you realize it doesn’t mean anything.

10:01 am April, 13 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Geez what a FETID menagerie on offer this week! Where does DB1 come up with these scrotes?? Such variation among the choices but I have to go with the most viscerally offensive: Pleasy. That vapid, vacant eyed 1,000 yard stare, the high douche hat in perfect position…kissy lips. What’s not to like? PLEASY! (And I don’t believe the Scottish/Romanian thing…I’d say a bit of Yid and greasy Long Island Douche).

10:02 am April, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Pleasy and Tonya FTW. Why? That face just BEGS for a beating. And not just a simple shovel upside the head. No this demands professionals that are skilled in such arts. Blowtorches, car batteries, bamboo slivers, etc. need to be involved here. I almost voted for Steven Tyler and his great granddaughter but the whole thing just creeped me out waaaaay too much.

11:29 am April, 13 Architeuthis Dux said...

If Jed isn’t auditioning for a part in The Labyrinth, then he has no excuse. Penny isn’t old enough to know any better, but I’m willing to wait three years for her so it isn’t statutory.

12:44 pm April, 13 DatGuy-x- said...

Scarred, it has to be Jed. What has been seen cannot be unseen

1:46 pm April, 13 dooshbagimus_maximus said...

Squid Brothers….and someone should be pissing on that guys face who’s looking up.

3:29 pm April, 13 Lovekraft said...

Jed for sure! This specimen looks like something I pulled out of my sink drain.

4:34 pm April, 13 ryro said...

squid bros broheim!!

4:56 pm April, 13 Horace Dangleballs said...

@ Steve L 12:55 AM

No argument from me, but I’d submit that Penny would most likely be in a duffle bag in that trunk with Jed’s coke and heroin.

7:37 pm April, 13 JedFTW said...

Imagine your daughter bringing home Jed one day. God save us all….

8:02 pm April, 13 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

I’m going with Jed & his completely surreal brand of futuristic megascrote. He looks like a Jhonen Vasquez fever dream that got up and walked.

9:23 pm April, 13 Douches Wild said...

A TOUGH week- Nothing really salient here, Jed looks like the illicit spawn of Pol Pot and Tori Spelling, Pleasy has an asymmetrical mug registering simian non-comprehension, as for Tonya, I’ve seen more tits 0n a chicken, and the Squid Crew has the laundered inauthenticity of the New Christy Minstrels. A sullen reluctant nod to Pleasy, in an unmemorable serial default derby.

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