Saturday, May 29, 2010

Your Saturday Sharkbag

Just when you thought it was safe to go in the clubs.

We’re gonna need a bigger cattleprod.

That’s not a tatt. I’ll show you a tatt.

# posted by douchebag1
4:19 pm May, 29 Bag Margera said...

Can we not have any more sharkbag please? One look at his crusty fin was enough.

4:36 pm May, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

A most vintage photo, db1. Reminds me of the Mona Lisa, how a still photo can evoke dynamism and life. You literally feel her bleething before your eyes.

Gonna go have a nice chianti now. And fava beans.

4:45 pm May, 29 scrotum pole said...

Buffalo Beast sits nearly hidden in the semi-darkness, silently calculating his next move.

Perhaps, a propane tank and rifle……………

5:18 pm May, 29 Bigphatnotadouche said...

I will never look at Dr. Suess the same way again. The Tat Skank ruined the essence of the Cat in the Hat. Or maybe she never got past first grade.

5:35 pm May, 29 Reverend Ramahdan Hatch said...

Their poses and wannabe penetrating/omniscient/single-minded stares say it all: WE are OBVIOUSLY the hippest of the hip, the knowing of the know… we are those Rock Stars that YOU LOSERS wish you were (but we’re really not rock stars nor have any money because we spend it all on tats and cover-charges at clubs so YOU LOSERS can have the HONOR of seeing us in all of our perfectly inked flesh!)

After the picture was taken, the next day….

He’s back at work at the neighborhood video store for $7.25/hr and she’s paying the rent and fly-car note from the proceeds of “dancing” at the Million Dollar Saloon.

Res Ipsa Loquitur,

As Hunter S. Thompson used to write:

“The thing [picture] speaks for itself.”

Your pal,

Rev. R. Hatch

5:53 pm May, 29 ehcuodouche said...

I bet she has the Lorax tatooed “down there”.

6:08 pm May, 29 massengill said...

Over/under for handjobs to completion since she got the Cat in the Hat tatt:

.

1

6:11 pm May, 29 Wedgie said...

Not sure I’d have such a smug self-satisfied grin on my face if I looked like a complete idiot.

I just looked up the word “simpleton” in the dictionary, and guess whose face was next to it?

6:27 pm May, 29 G said...

Horton hears a Who’bag…

6:37 pm May, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Rev. Hatch, I believe NOFX summed it up best when they said “gee, they’re so much more punk than me.”

6:46 pm May, 29 Bag A said...

@ massengill

f-ing hilarious post!

7:00 pm May, 29 doucheywallnuts said...

Aging is the best revenge…When she’s reduced to slinging hash at the local middle school as a 45-year old single grandmother she will rue the day she decided to turn her arm into a fleshy tribute to theodor geisel. Good idea as a 22-year old bleeth, bad idea as a middle aged cafeteria worker.., As snot nosed teenagers snicker at the flabby armed loser she has become she will think back to the day that she was arm candy for a fucking douchebag with a mohawk known as Sharkbag.

7:16 pm May, 29 Wheezer said...

Did Bucky bring his crazy skillz to Wal-Mart?

7:30 pm May, 29 Turdacious said...

@Doucheywalnuts

Funny shit!

10:15 pm May, 29 tall guy said...

i don’t think she’s hot. i don’t mind bottle blonde, liberal application of make up or even the odd tatt, and while she’s got all three by the shedload it makes no difference because her face looks odd. however i’d relish a chance to confirm my suspicions with an appearance by her to my front door.

10:27 pm May, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

She’s making me puke green eggs all over my freshly sliced ham.

10:29 pm May, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

He’s beyond shark, he’s centurion.

Let MSU and USC have at ‘im.

10:31 pm May, 29 Troy Tempest said...

The year is 2020. The oil shock of 2015, when petroleum production went into a steep and permanent decline, is now five years in the past. The couple in our picture are now in their mid thirties. William Trevors (aka Sharkbag) spends his days bulldozing suburbs. One house at a time. Without cheap oil and the grid too flaky to charge electric vehicles, the burbs are abandoned and former McMansion owners who were once account executives for anabolic steroid manufacturers are now unemployed and living in the basements of citiy dwellers who had the good sense to invest in housing a long time ago. He lives in just such a basement. By day he bulldozes McMansions, in te evening he waters the garden, does some weeding, and retires to his cot by the geothermal “furnace”.

Across the room is Alexis, she of the Seuss Tattoos. She learned to sew in 2016, and now has a decent trade taking in people’s laundry and repairing basic holes. She has had three abortions, the last one leaving her scared and sterile.

together they in the basment o the house of a couple who work for the government in energy development.

All of their lives suck.

10:32 pm May, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

FULLER BRUSH called and wants to hire SHARK for their latest ad campaign.

10:34 pm May, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

Here’s the upside-down of it:

Somewhere there is a housewife who would use SHARK to sweep her floors while simultaneously giving him a blow-job.

12:20 am May, 30 Douche Springsteen said...

I don’t care if she’s a bleeth. I’d still navigate her fjords in a kayak fashioned of balsa wood.

12:49 am May, 30 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

The real question is:

.

If you shit in a badger’s mouth in the forest, and Sharkbag isn’t around to snowball with the turdesque woodland creature; does his unjustifiied smarmlippery still constitute self gonad punching?

.

.

.

Ahha! Trick question! No self respecting badger would ever give Sharkbag the time of day. Stupids.

5:13 am May, 30 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I have to imagine the planning that went into her tattoo was to walk in and say to the tattoo artist, “Uh, yeah, um, can you, like, give me the stupidest tattoo of all time?”

8:28 am May, 30 soy bomb said...

I’m hung over beyond belief, but somehow, somewere this makes sense. Happy Memorial Day weekend people!

8:30 am May, 30 soy bomb said...

*somewhere.

.

.

.

.

.

F*cking booze. I love/hate you.

.

.

.

.

More love.

8:39 am May, 30 soy bomb said...

Meanwhile, Buffalo Beast silently contemplates his lot in life, and wonders if it was possibly a bad idea to get the phone holster. Nonetheless, he’s really looking forward to returning home for the long weekend. Away from the douches and choads. For even subtle mocking needs a breather every now and then.

10:04 am May, 30 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Was wondering why Shark but now I get it, when he goes swimming that Mo sticks up like a dorsal fin, or is it because his hide is all leathery and raspy? And is that bitch a bleeth or just a Class A Skank?

Someone should offer courses in douchebag ethnology. And the study of douchebags should have its own school in the pantheon of modern cultural anthropology.

Douchebag U. Sign me up. :|

11:11 am May, 30 Euripidouche said...

the dr suess books that tell the story of her life from age 12 to the present day

there’s a wocket in my pocket

hop on pop

wet pet dry pet your pet my pet

all aboard the circus mcgurkis

dr suess’ circus mcgurkis squirt

happy birthday baby

circus mcgurkis 1,2,3 at a time.

and to think she hooked on mulberry st.

up up up with the cunt.

i can lick 30 wiggers today, can you?

mc eligot’s poon

happy birthday baby number 2

oh the places you’ll ho.

scrambled eggs cooter(the vd chronicle)

in the people’s whore house.

hooper humperdink? not him! happy birthday baby 3

thidwick the big hawked douche.

1:44 pm May, 30 boosh dag said...

The hott is nott. Hot, I mean.

5:32 pm May, 30 Crucial Head said...

@Troy T,

.

Your stories are one of the vital reasons that I come here nearly every day.

.

Awesome.

8:22 pm May, 30 creature said...

she probably has tickle my Elmo inked above her dried olive slot

8:40 pm May, 30 lucious lupus john uses vinegar in a visine bottle said...

ahhh, something white just squirted out of my eyes! i think that picture just gave me chlamydia!

9:36 pm May, 30 DarkSock said...

Horton Humps a Ho

9:40 pm May, 30 DarkSock said...

HA! The problem with your pinko liberal little “story”, Troy, is that we have enough oil here in the Gulf of Mexico to run this nation for decades.

.

If only BP* could figure out a way to wring it out of the ecosystem, water foul and sea water…

.

.

)B.P. = Belching Petroleum

9:41 pm May, 30 DarkSock said...

Yeah I’m pissed but what difference does it make. Now all we need’s another fuccen hurricane to drive the muck inland.

.

looks in pants, knocks on wood

9:44 pm May, 30 DarkSock said...

I’m thinkin’….after the last hurricane I invested in one of those kinetic flashlights powered simply by shaking it vigorously in a back-and-forth motion….

.

If the regs on this site would simply agree to wear kinetic generator wrist-bands and plug them into the grid, this country would get a massive surge of free energy every Ass Pear Friday.

9:45 pm May, 30 DarkSock said...

Hell; there’d be a few constant power surges…

10:33 pm May, 30 Stephanie said...

pretty soon they will mate and eat their young,cause their young will try to take their attention away from their tattoos and hair…

10:07 am May, 31 Deltus said...

Save for the tatts that make her unemployable, and her canoodling with Sharkbag which makes me question her sanity, she probably was quite the hott. Once. *sigh*

10:27 am May, 31 Big Tony Ventresca said...

Troy @10:31

Amazingly prescient vision of the future. This is how the world ends, not with a bang but a sigh.

10:32 am May, 31 DarkSock said...

or perhaps a high keening “SPREEEET!!!” of flatus. Or shart. Or maybe even a staccato bassoon-like “SPUTT-A-CHUTT-CHUFFFFF-*spretch!*!!!” from where you eat bean laden chili but don’t chew properly.

.

I just wanted to inject poots into Troy’s eloquent vision. He always forgets the flatulence. Always.

.

.

.

( * ) phaffffff!

10:33 am May, 31 DarkSock said...

speet!

11:27 am May, 31 Scroteophobic said...

Is anyone else troubled by a childhood wrecking vision of that Cat in the Hat tattoo doing a meerkat in a burrow impression as she vigorously fists Sharkbag? I’m trying to fight it but all I can see is a slightly melancholic Cat’s face appearing a disappearing as Sharky grunts and squirms.

2:50 pm May, 31 The_Postdouchster_General said...

im sure someone has said this already. but im in the mood for being as cliche as the douche:

-jaws theme-

tat is all

4:14 pm May, 31 Whoop-di-douche said...

If Mr. Spock didn’t have those large pointy ears, he would have had this turd-doo Mohawk.

Based on the shadow under the forehead area of the said ‘hawk, I am suspiciously sniffing a hairpiece, instead of the real thing done up with gummy-goo.

4:15 pm May, 31 Whoop-di-douche said...

…and that is as bad as fake boobs.

6:55 pm May, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

Troy and SSS have made my day. It’s official. And I snicker in the basement. Not my mom’s basement, but mine, surrounded by canned goods and dry beans. I’m well-armed and poised to put up the fence and get the two pissed-off dogs. And I laugh, knowing that the Sharkbags of the world will be starving in the alleys, fighting to the death over bread crusts. And when they stumble upon my doorstep, thirsty and ragged, I will release the hounds. Then I will urinate on the remains. And their skanky girlfriends will be nothing but a memory of the world outside, as I drag them to the basement and the patient Mr. White.

.

In the meantime, I sit here and snicker about shitting in badgers’ mouths.

4:25 am June, 1 my friends call me @$$hole said...

Fake-Debbie-Harry (aka Fake-Blondie) has NOTHING on Fake-Jessica-Simpson but Starblaze better watch out for Sharky here, he always brings his A-Game

For the record, Real-Debbie-Harry has it ALL OVER Real-Jessica-Simpson, even at the age of, gee i dunno, i’d say ’bout 60… if i plugged them both and blogged about it, i’d use my REAL name to post about blondie

4:26 am June, 1 my friends call me @$$hole said...

by A-Game, i mean ass… i mean sharky likes to play games with dudes’ ass

4:27 am June, 1 my friends call me @$$hole said...

i mean sharky might try to play games with starblazer’s ass

Leave a Reply

What is 15 + 13 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)