Monday, June 28, 2010

HCwDB of the Month

Booya. Bring the proverbial it. A tough and legit smackdown between Party Boy shoescrape and bouncy hotness is on. And by on, I mean crotch itch.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lake Crotch Cactii

I just got back from my covert-op trip to Vegas, where the odds on the Cactii taking the Monthly were longer than the wait at the discount buffet for new “Player’s Club” members. Longer than a Dan Fogelberg song getting remixed by Jay-Z. Longer than a Hard Rock Casino day-after-pill giveaway promotion.

Okay, I gots nothin’.

Still hung over.

But the truth is, we haven’t really focused on the smalltown boat riding lakebags who mug their small town hotties in awhile, and TLCC demonstrate an important part of Grieco Virus.

Especially with Jed and Barry pulling off Iceman and Goose, and then Iceman Finding Love.

I take it back. A worthy Monthly entry indeed.

HCwDB of the Month Finalists #2: Four Prong and Assorted K Sisters

Gender ambiguity, party promotion craptastica, and a bevy of hotties makes Four Prong a formidable contender in the Monthly.

The run of itch-worthy arrogance in presence of the ladies continued in Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie, the Four Prong Posse, Four Prong Spikes His Drinks (with quality Hott Nuzzle), Four Prong Skewers (with quality boob reveal), and, finally, Bikini Spike Lick.

That’s a serious run of hot chickery, with douche activities present in every pic.

But with no single Hot Chick, has Four Prong spread his spikey seed too far to really codify into a toxic HCwDB pic?

That leads us to:

HCwDB of the Month Finalists #3: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina

With only one pic to bring to the game, Lenny still is a formidable contender.

Why?

Groin Shave Reveal on an Oldbag with a Leather Thong = end of societal hope.

Paulina is confused European innocence with a touch of raunch.

For Paulina, Buddhists light incense and fondle themselves.

Together, they make all sorts of wrong.

But wrong enough to knock off our final contender?

HCwDB of the Month Finalists #4: The Sharkbag and Renee

The Sharkpud has had a plethora of pics to build his case for the monthly, including Goose Crotch BJs Renee also appearing as slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, Shark With Boobies and, finally, Sharkbag and Trampy Hott.

That’s a spicey douchebag!

But does quantity build a stronger case for the Monthly?

Does the Shark’s run top Four Prong? Are Four Prong’s spikes just too silly? Can the real world Top Guns of the Crotch Cactii pull off the epic upset? Will Oldsag and Groin Shave Reveal help Lenny and Paulina take the prize?

It’s all teed up for you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:14 am June, 28 Doucheasorus Maximus said...

First!!!!!

Lenny again. It is just sooooo wrong.

I have to wash my eyes out now.

7:26 am June, 28 Colossus of Choads said...

Shades inside: the sun always shines when you’re cool.

Therefore my vote goes to that dickhead 4-prong.

7:33 am June, 28 bigphatnotadouche said...

Prong must have a fistful of 100’s to make the Hotts pose with him. Lenny is a scary old bag who has the wierd leather panties thing going for him. Sharkbag was more douchey but my vote goes to oil stains which are the Lake Catcii for fouling the shores in the western states.

7:34 am June, 28 Troy Tempest said...

The Cacti are just a bunch of assholes. They do not rate.

Sharkbag’s a jerkoff who deserves to roast for his sins. But he does not hold a candle to Four Prongs and Lenny.

So, in my view, it’s between 4Prongs and Lenny, and that is a TOUGH choice, because they are both as odious as a Staten Island landfill on a hot August afternoon.

4Prongs has the photo legacy, but he’s never with the same bleeth twice, so I get the impression they are either P2P or hired habituees of some trashy sex club. 4Prongs does have a good bit of the Samurai Scrote about him, for while he is 4Prongs, the eye sees five on his head – fulfilling the SamScrote proverbial construct of “If you have 4 prongs and 4Prongs has 4 prongs, 4Prongs has more prongs…” The douche is strong with 4 Prongs.

Then there is Lenny. Oh, fuck – I can’t even bear to look at his picture. Nevermind. Give 4Prongs some special award at the Annual. But Lenny – my god what a roiling turd he is.

Lenny FTW, and by win I mean loss, and by loss I mean ugly tatts on a roided out granpa and his hideous GSR and leather undies. Ugh. He is a blight on society.

7:41 am June, 28 Justin said...

Renee…still not calling me back? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you..didn’t you get my last 40 texts? You must be busy…I’m sure you have a lot going on, please….Renee…I love you.

Sharkbag, keep your grubby mitts away from my girl. You dick.

Sharky and Renee FTW

7:45 am June, 28 Anonymous said...

It’s gotta be number two… certainly not the older naked-ish guy. He just seems kind of eccentric. I wouldn’t mind having him at my party.

7:45 am June, 28 Istandouche said...

Sharkbag for the monthly.

7:49 am June, 28 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

This is a particularly tough installment, with Lenny’s over compensating old-baggery being enough to make me smack a manatee, and the Sharkbag’s ridiculous pizza-cutter hairdo.

However, my vote must be for Four Prong. Not only because the K Sisters are more delicious than a New York Strip on Independance Day (with A-1 sauce, mashed potatoes and corn), but because while accepting his award and giving me the nod of appreciation, he might just poke my eyes out so as never to see him again. Please?

7:56 am June, 28 Bag Margera said...

I’ve been pissed off all weekend because of the G-20 siege in my city. I haven’t calmed down yet, but I’m absolutely drained. I badly need a smoke. The only thing I can do to stop thinking about it is to mock the biggest douchebag of the month.

.

Four Prong. Brings. The hotts. Every. Time. Why does he bring the hotts every time? It simply isn’t believable. I can justify the other candidates getting hotts by pointing to alcohol, low standards, and general filthy kinkiness. But four prong is so horrid looking, he transcends all flaws and poor choices in lady logic. There is no explanation and no justification. He is simply Four Prong, Douchebag of the month.

7:57 am June, 28 ehcuodouche said...

Prong and Sharkbag are pro douches. The other two really can’t compete. I’d have to give the nod to the Shark, though, cause I really liked Gina Gershon in Bound. Shark doesn’t just pull in bimbos. That’s an NYU graduate pretending to fellate his Goose!

7:58 am June, 28 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

It’s tough to throw out any of these right off the bat, but narrow down I must. Out go the Cactii.

.

Lenny, at 59, really should know better. That getup of his contributes to the delinquency of minors. But, as deserving as he is, his douche aura and hott pale in comparison to those of 4P and the Shark.

.

Because I still think 4P is a hermaphrodite, and because the Shark thinks he should get rock star leniency when he’s not even a rock star (or any kind of a star), my vote goes to the Shark. His douche aura could power a small town indefinately. His hair could give Roy Scheider nightmares. His hotts give me wood.

.

He should be blown to pieces by the catastrophic failure of a compressed airtank in his yap.

.

Sharkbag and Assorted Hotts FTM.

8:00 am June, 28 RAPETIME said...

The neat thing about Four Prong would that I could jam a pitchfork through his brain stem and no one would notice a goddamned thing.

That being said, I need – I must – go with Lenny. He’s my age, maybe at best a couple of years older. He has done things to his body in the pursuit of the eternal charms of young, possibly blood relative snatch that I’d never dream of doing. He knows what he wants and he’s out there living the dream, which so few of us can or will do. Rock on, Lenny and your midlife crisis. You go get some, and may the rest of us be spared the need to join in the utter abdication of your dignity. I raise my glass to you, good sir, and hope you find the plundering of Paulina’s tight assets worth it. I’ll bet it will be.

8:02 am June, 28 melvil duchi said...

TLCC just because we should not have to see Four Prong and Lenny ever again. Sharkbag’s hots make him a worthy competitor but TLCC’s hots still have a chance to not be ruined. And I think the blonde on the left has a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Stay classy

8:04 am June, 28 Army of DOuche-ness said...

LENNY ALL DAY!

8:14 am June, 28 Guns-N-Douches said...

By process of elimination:

Lake Cacti is amateur hour, probably more of a roided out moron, so he just has his douche happen naturally, it’s not pre-meditated. Also, he doesn’t exhibit that many signs of the douchepocalypse, just a mandanna and big muscles.

Lenny is just a creepy old guy who hit his midlife crisis and divorced his wife, only to find that he has to douche it up to get younger women to even give him the time of day. So he got inked up, took out a lease on a Ferarri and hits the clubs looking for some chickie-poo with daddy-abandonment issues. Harmless, as he will probably be able to work his schtick for another month or two before he cannot afford the mountains of viagra that he pops daily.

FIVE Prong is a douche, but he appears to me to be a gay asian douche, but is he really going to spread the Greico virus? Not gonna happen IMHO. Sure, sunglasses at night and fucking retarded hair go a long way, but his bark is worse than his bite. He seems to be a douche, but he’s also harmless.

That brings us to Sharky. The ink, the bottle-service posing, the fucktacularly bad hairdoo-doo… (I stand up and applaud) Sharky, you have truly exceeded my expectations. You bring the hotts, the attitude, the image and I am afraid that you may actually reproduce. Well played sir. Sharky for the monthly.

8:27 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but per the above photo, two whites make a prong*. Hence 4P FTW.

.

.

*Yeah I know it’s the 4th time I recycled that joke. But it’s Monday. Bite me.

8:30 am June, 28 One for the Choad said...

Worthy candidates all, and while he has the coldest hott (see what I did there? Fuck, I’m not clever), I have to go with Lenny. As many have said before me, he’s simply old enough to know better. 4P and Sharkbag can cut their hair; Lenny’s stuck with that ridiculous tattoo for life.

8:33 am June, 28 Mr. Biggs said...

Cactii are garden-variety douchebags. Nothing special. Four-prong I just can’t take seriously. I have to imagine he’s a club promoter.

As for the showdown between the Shark and Lenny, it all depends on what criteria we look at. For eye-gouging terror, there’s no topping Lenny. But there are plenty of things on the internets to make us gouge our eyes out, that will never be on HCwDB.

So we have to look to the zen moment of when a douchebag gets the intelligent, curious hott to surrender to his taint. And in this Sharkbag wins hands down. His capacity to sniff out and taint only the choicest of hott meat outdoes all the others. They don’t just pose with him. They bite, they perform mock fellatio, they show off their cleavage, all while he smirks for the camera.

So Sharkbag for the win. And as he wins, we all lose.

8:40 am June, 28 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

I don’t know, on the face of it I thought “wow, what a tough week — these are all uberchoads, each in their own special (as in special ed) way”. As always though, I fall back on first principles — hottest chicks and douchiest ‘bag. I’ve never really cared much about circus-freak douches like 4P and Lenny, because I feel like those photos are of wild animals caught through a telephoto lens — they’re not typically seen in captivity, and as a result they don’t really waste my flavor all that much.

The Crotch Bros. and Sharkbag, OTOH, are the type of scrote I see all the time (or at least enough to exacerbate my IBS). But in the desert methinks the hotts are skank and the bros are meatheads more than douche; there is a difference.

So…Sharkie’s Machine for the win. Machine, as in he should be put through a meatgrinder and fed to real sharks, while Renee dons Jacqueline Bisset’s attire from “The Deep”.

8:40 am June, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

4Prong goes out first because all the Hotts are on his, or the club he promotes for, payroll. These chicks wouldn’t be seen dead with him if he didn’t have some sort of financial or potential to move up the ladder clout which I still can’t figure out what that is.

GSR Oldbag Lenny is a one hit wonder. To me it’s obvious he & Paulina are attending some kind of annual sex themed event/party at a club that caters to their type of debauchery ala Key West on Halloween.

The TLCC are noteworthy for sleazyness hott and Pink’s tummy is oh so yummy but they are a dime a dozen.

Sharkbag & Renee. He is all that is DB from the smirky smiles, to his overwhelming smugness, the hairdo, the studded belt buckle, index finger rings etc.,etc. He seems like the type who takes hours in front of a mirror to get ready before he goes out on the town. His overwhelming, obvious narcissism is disturbing and that self loathing, little to no self esteem Hott’s like Renee are attracted to that is a major contributor to the HCWDB essence. He brings all the douche signifiers, Renee brings the luscious mounds and thus they are my pick for the win

8:40 am June, 28 Hotspur said...

Have to go with 4Prong the hair. the sunglasses indoors the pastel shirts and better hotts its a total package

8:47 am June, 28 jk said...

Sharkbaaaaag!!!!!

8:52 am June, 28 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Sharbag FTW. He has an aura of sleazyness that the others can’t match. Lenny comes close, but a fondness for ball-gags and public spanking does not an autoscrote make.

The cactii are just garden variety ‘bags, and ‘Prong is just a collector of cell numbers that all mysteriously connect to the Sunshine Home for the Perennially Confused. Or the Free Clinic. Whichever.

8:52 am June, 28 John said...

4prong for the monthly. The hair is ridiculous, but more importantly, red bra is delectable.

9:09 am June, 28 Casey said...

Lenny FFS. Oldbaggery is one thing, but having “Death B4 Dishonor” tattooed on your abdomen like some East LA cholo is taking it to a completely different level. It was probably the name of his underground hip hop debut on No Limit Records for which he got tatted up for the cover where he GSR’d it on the hood of a rented Bentley. “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG GRAM-PA!” he raps on track 4.

9:09 am June, 28 Crucial Head said...

4 Prong 4TW!

Makes bowels loosen, expulse

Muddy brown shrapnel.

Floodgates o’ butt sludge

Burst forth like Ol’ Brown Faithful

4 Prong 4TW!

9:13 am June, 28 chaserofthehott said...

Sharkbag must die, and by die I mean win, and by win I mean lose, Oh hell, Renee I love your breasts!

9:25 am June, 28 dbBen said...

Sharkbag

If it wasn’t for his douchebag ways, he’d be at a Jiffylube or a Pancake House planning a dream trip to Lake Crotch with his buddies (call sign: Hollywood). But because of a cheesy mohawk, tribal tats, an edgy cigar, a Hot Topic credit card, and a cheap Ibanez pushing a B-52 amp from Guitar Center, he somehow believes that he’s relevant and the tragedy is…so does Renee.

9:26 am June, 28 Casey said...

Apparently Lenny goes by Jaydee AKA Da Bad Seed.

http://edge-img.datpiff.com/ma4eac81/JayDee_da_Bad_Seed_Death_B4_Dishonor-front-large.jpg

9:33 am June, 28 Pablo Sinatra said...

I was gonna say TLCC, but then I scrolled down and there was Sharkbag, the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe that every vote on this thread isn’t for him. None of the others even begin to approach this. In my version of reality, though, that’s an exploding cigar in his mouth, and seconds later, that smokin’ hot babe lights it and blows his be-mohawked head apart like a hand grenade.

9:36 am June, 28 Bagnonymous said...

As much as I dig repeatedly seeing Iceman/the Lake Crotch Cactii’s hott-legged hott, I’m gonna have to go with Four Prong this month. I know some of you are sick of him/her already, but all of his/her hotts bring the boobies–I mean, NICE boobies. Really nice. Thusly, boobies & 4Prong FTM (“for the monthly”).

9:38 am June, 28 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

Sharkbag brings out within me an ancient primal urge to scalp him. Renee brings out ancient and modern urges to fwap myself.

Sharkbag/Renee FTL/FTW

9:47 am June, 28 Merle Baggard said...

the cactuseseses. They are pillow biting bottom guns.

9:59 am June, 28 Mock Turtle said...

We have to remember our mission is to protect the HC from the DB.

The HC’s are in no danger from 4P; they may lose some of the tip if they can’t keep a straight face for 10 whole seconds to get the shot, but that’s OK.

And Lenny is far too old to CATCH an HC that is not blind and starts to run.

So we’re down to the Shark and the Cactii. The latter will soon lose interest in HC from steroid-induced testicle shrinkage, so it’s the Shark that must be stopped.

Only the laser-focus of the monthly win can save them. Your mocking can help. Please contribute generously.

9:59 am June, 28 End the Haberdouchery said...

I’m still stuck on Four Prong’s Jordana Brewster hott, despite her awful tattoo and the fact that someone mentioned she was in porn. I can change her. All I need is two gallons of maple syrup, a stuffed badger, a nine iron, IcyHot, and two months in a log cabin deep in the Yukon from which we would both emerge emaciated and exhausted, but ultimately satisfied.

.

Four Prong FTW.

9:59 am June, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Haven’t been impressed with Four Prong or the Cacti as I live in the I.E. These types are usually sharing a supermarket or bank line with me. Meh…. go fuck yourselves up the ass with a cactus.

.

so it’s Lenny or Sharkbag.

Sharkbag brings the cocky arrogance of someone that may possibly matter. He does matter. Without him his mother would have to rent out the basement area with the panelling to a stranger. If he was around in the wild wild west, no indian would have taken that scalp for fear of contracting something from the white man worse than all the fun brought on by those smallpox infested blankets.

.

Therefore, Lenny is getting the nod. Guys, seriously, he looks like he works at Home Depot. “Hey , can you mix me up some of this Opaque Sky enamel for my guest bathroom? Yes , I’m talking to you , tool. “

.

Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina FTW and a firm kick in the cockk.

10:31 am June, 28 mr.reeve said...

This is tough because Sharkbag is such a giant a-hole, dickweed, chodester that I have to consider him and his hots for the W. But Four “It’s Pat” Prong with its pitch fork hair, super slutty club hots and douchey club attire are too much for me to ignore. I still say Prong is a shim with its boobs mashed down with a double sports bra like a good butch does but this shemale’s hair and douche poses win my heart over. So Pat the Four Prong FTW!

10:39 am June, 28 boatbutter said...

We’ve seen these other shitbags for nearly 4 years, but never anything like Lenny. He is a true Bag-anomaly. With a normal shirt and jeans on, he’d look like a normal dude, but clearly the wheels have not only just come off, but they have gone into the ravine and burst into flames.

I will be very disappointed when Sharkbag beats him out.

10:42 am June, 28 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

Lenny.

There are obvious points to every nominee. But the not-so-obvious is Krasava, the daughter of Bulgarian immigrants who understands a little more about American culture than her ancestors. Too tired to go home and change out of her white shirt, all she wanted after a week of buying concrete with federal stimulus money for Da’s business was a lousy beer and a friendly face behind the bar.

And when somebody screams and points, Krasava gets an load of Lenny’s liver-spotted, tramp-stamped, freckley, shaved but unwashed behind and taint.

And Krasava then questions the very notions of a free society.

Lenny

10:44 am June, 28 boatbutter said...

My vote was for Lenny, by the way.

10:48 am June, 28 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Sharkbag FTW! His face says punch me. A say we all listen.

10:49 am June, 28 Bob the Bag Hunter said...

I vote for Four Prong FTW.

This whatever it is sure does annoy the crap out of this old man. The hair, the sunglasses on while inside for every picture along with hotts with fake boobs and low self-esteem. Douche no matter the gender. FTW Prong!!

10:53 am June, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Sure he’s an old tool that’s in shape

But that cockk sling leaves us all agape

If he was your brother

Or worse, banged your mother

You’d want Lenny destroyed by an ape

11:02 am June, 28 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I don’t know about Four Prong. The guy looks like my Gen-Chem lab partner who helped secure my solid A minus, that surely would have been a C without him. But somehow, the power of prong is slaying ladies left and right, and he’s just along for the ride. Even his face says “I don’t know what the hell is happening here, but BOOBIES!!!” Admit it fellas, you’re all considering your own prong for its seductive power over the ladies.

.

I’d go with Cacti, but he seems to enjoy wearing matching outfits with his bros more than hanging with the ladies. Therefore he provides no threat.

.

I’m not even going to talk about Lenny. Same reason ogrish.com doesn’t exist anymore.

.

Sharkbag reels in the hottest ladies (he landed Renee for fuck’s sake), has that self-important sneer in every pic, spends two hours each morning on his hair, and then pulls the Grey-Goose-sticking-out-of-pants-for-hott-to-felate move, making him that much more enraging. I’d stomp a baby ducking with baby seal skin shoes for the chance eviscerate his favorite aunt in front of him with bamboo chopsticks.

11:05 am June, 28 Euripidouche said...

i am riding four prong like four prong rides the shower massager before and after his semi-monthly prostate exams. its not a gaybag thing, its the only way he can get anyone of either gender to play with his ronery ronery rectum.

11:15 am June, 28 Baleen said...

Lenny reminds me of those dried old dog turds you run over with your lawnmower. Lenny ftw.

11:28 am June, 28 armydouche said...

this monthly is a real bling up, hand gesture douche off… LakeCrtch Cactii didn’t bring their A Game and just squeaked under the wire in a weak weekly. Lenny, please someone get him somepants, he has been DQ’d for indecent exposure. That leaves 4 Prong and Shark…. they both bring hair style to a new level of rediculousness. both have had a strong outing in thierrsective weeklys, however sunglasses indoors most likely at night is quite possibly the biggt douche maneuver going. Therefore i cast my ballot for 4 prong andgivethese words of advice. You will need to step it up if you want to beat stackhouse in the 2010 douchies though…. DOUCHE ON!

11:42 am June, 28 Doucheachusetts said...

Four-prong and the lovely lovely K sisters!!

11:43 am June, 28 Hong Kong Douchey said...

Choosing this Monthly is like deciding if I’d rather die by having a red-hot poker shoved into my nasal cavity or by gargling pool chemicals. Sharkbag FTW. He’s the most crowbar-able. Blue top on the right is the reason that “safe words” are needed.

11:56 am June, 28 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m going to go with Lenny FTW. Mostly because I gotta support a douche my age (and admit that I’d ply Paulina with Goose and cranberry, rub cocoa butter into her skin, give her back rubs and read Shakespeare’s love sonnets to her), but also to piss off the Fire Crotch Cacti, Sharkbag, and Prong-bag.

12:11 pm June, 28 Confused About Prongs Gender said...

Prong even if he got no schlong FTW!!!!!

12:11 pm June, 28 anonymous said...

I’ve never voted before, but Renee makes me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Sharkbag it is.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with a cheap Ibanez. Their AS73 is a fine piece of work and a great value for the money. I love mine!

12:25 pm June, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

4 Prong 4TW! Why? Pat had a dream. A dream that was formulated in 7th grade right before the first gym class of the semester. Everyone was going to their respective locker rooms to change into their gym class but not Pat. Pat stood in the hall frantically looking back and forth at the sign on each door trying to figure out where to go. It was at that moment that Pat vowed, “I will keep my gender to myself. No one will ever know. Not even Samurai Scrote”. Pat’s parents were soon found murdered and Pat dropped out of school. Sure Pat wandered for years with various carnivals and freak shows but the dream never died. At one carnival Pat found the perfectly preserved dessicated penis of a schnauzer with the letters “C.H.” painted on it. Pat knew it was rumored to be a good luck charm and the secret for future success. “How could a carny ever steer you wrong?” thought Pat. For you see, styling your hair with a shriveled, dessicated schnauzer penis into prongs gives you the ability to pull in quality hott for low-budget snuff films. Hotts are attracted to it like a moth to a flame. They just can’t resist. And yes, this was Pat’s dream.

12:27 pm June, 28 Business-Casual Douche said...

This is the best monthly in a while. I wanna vote for the oldbag because his picture is the most hilarious, but in the end, I have to vote for Sharkbag, due to his insanely smarmy facial expressions. Plus, “the Grey Goose phallus simulacrum” is a pretty innovative ‘bag move.

12:40 pm June, 28 Mr. White said...

I’m going with Sharkbag. I was tempted by the Cactii, but Sharkbag’s hotts outrank them. And I’m just sick of fuccen Four Prong.

12:40 pm June, 28 jonezy said...

as Sisqo would say:

.

Let me see that Prong. That Prong, Prong, Prong, Prong.

12:46 pm June, 28 Mahatma Gandouche said...

Lenny FTW Because I always defer to the adage “Age Before Doody”

12:47 pm June, 28 Hot Buttered Poopcorn said...

I’m going with Sharkbag because he reminds me of Vanilla Ice.

1:14 pm June, 28 It's Pat!!!! said...

Four Prong FTW! Shims have to stick together you know.

1:26 pm June, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m going to go at this by using the cunt card for persepctive. What would I do if I were hit on by above douchebags?

.

Cacti: “Hey, wanna come to the beach with us? We got red cups and beer and we’re gonna barbecue and then swim naked.”

Medusa: “Well, boys, enjoy the anal fissures you give each other. Have a nice time.” Meh. Minimal annoyance.

.

Four Prongs: “You wanna make in a movie? I make you superfamous, you have great terriffic power for happy, you much enjoy the sexing famous to be money!”

Medusa: “Can you put that in writing? Not that I need a contract, I just wanna submit it to Engrish Funny.” Verdict? Hilarity.

.

Lenny: “You look kinky. I’m kinky. Why don’t we get kinky?”

Medusa: “Last time someone said that to me, he ended up scrubbing my kitchen floor with his own toothbrush while he wore a french maid costume. For a reward he got in my bathtub and I pissed in his mouth. I assume you mean along that line, and if you don’t, you can get the fuck on down the road.” Lenny’s utter horror and shaming is compounded by the laughter of the rest of the kinksters in earshot who can’t believe Lenny thought anyone in attendance was looking for penis-into-vagina sex. Smug triumph for me and I find someone nearby who will wash and handwax my cars in exchange for me stomping on his genitals while listening to Sousa marches.

.

Sharkbag: “Ohhh, damn, girl, you wanna come get with me and drink on my Goose? You know I’m a real playa and I’ll make your dreams come true.”

Medusa: “Why the fuck are you dressed up like a punker and you’re talking like a rapper? And what’s with that stupid cigar, what are you, Scarface? I’ll show you scarface, you squinty-eyed gristlewad!” Proceeds to attack his face with car keys, removing one eye and part of his ear. I’m arrested but later released to a mental health hospital where I spend the next six months in group therapy sessions screeching about that shark-haired douchebag who was wasting my air.

.

Sharkbag FTW.

1:33 pm June, 28 tall guy said...

Old Bag Lenny & Four Prong immediately deserve ceaseless mockery. But what of sharky? In Sharkpud we have every representation of the axis of evil. The douche hair, the pouty/smartarse look, the Johnny Cash wannabee sartorial selection. Naysayers may say (?) he doesn’t even approach the doucherie of Four Prong and Lenny. I say different. Besides, something tells me Four Prong and especially Lenny would derive too much smug satisfaction from a monthly – itself a rather douchie thing. In summation, Sharkbag for the win!

1:36 pm June, 28 Dex said...

Four Prong! Never have I seen such an undeserving force of annoyance sweep westward from the Orient, tainting all in its path like the stench of so much kimchi. He’s lucky Lo-Pan isn’t around to see this. He would have the Three Storms wage magical war on his pitchfork on a hairdo, and steal all his paid-to-pose women. Because nobody out-macks Lo-Pan.

1:37 pm June, 28 Ohio FJ said...

Four Prong FTW

1:41 pm June, 28 G said...

Tough choice this month – I say we have to go with the Sharkbag. Given time, Sharkbag will overdo Lenny in the years to come. For all we know, Lenny just might be going through a mid-life crisis, albeit, it’s tough to call what Lenny is going through, a phase, with the tats and all.

However, Sharkbag is too far gone, plus, the HC in the pic has nice ta ta’s…Sharkbag FTW

1:57 pm June, 28 Tommy Gun said...

Prong FTW because the hair made the douche

1:58 pm June, 28 Tommy Gun said...

Medusa gave me wood with the peeing in the mouth talk. I might become a regular just to read more of that kinky shit

2:00 pm June, 28 Anonymous said...

4-prong is my vote…if the commenters know anything at all then he should be getting at least 95% of the vote

2:03 pm June, 28 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Renee is the stuff that restraining orders are made of. Sharkbag, FTW.

2:07 pm June, 28 Red Headed Woman said...

Sharkie.

2:09 pm June, 28 Douche Alert said...

Prong is the winner! Not even close.

2:13 pm June, 28 BeerGeek said...

It’s has to be Four Prong. The dude is already a legend!

2:32 pm June, 28 massengill said...

Lenny reminds me a little bit too much of President Charles Logan from the latter seasons of 24. Yes, he should know better. I have to say that I hope to be in Lenny’s shape when I’m his age (sans the lame belly tatt and grape smugglers).

I’m with Lord Tebbit on this one: I give it to Sharkbag for a lewd, scrotey, narcissistic display of persistent poopy preening peacockery.

2:43 pm June, 28 Dicy said...

Four Prong annoys me, but he’s also kind of pathetic. Old bag is old, I weep for him. Sharkbag doesnt really impress me probly because his HC are actually kinda icky. However, Cactus boys are the best(worst) kinda of redneck douche that I grew up with, so I gotta go with them.

3:18 pm June, 28 marita said...

goddamn it, lenny makes me audibly gasp in horror every time i see hm on the site. yeah. lenny.

3:25 pm June, 28 Chaz said...

Gotta go with Lenny, the strap across the chest seals the deal.

3:27 pm June, 28 The Dude said...

Sharkbag ftw, and an honorary carp slap at Lake Crotch.

3:29 pm June, 28 Fatness said...

Four Prong is a club promoter. The girls are on the clock. Out.

.

The Lake Crotch Cactii are just a bunch of stupid choads who don’t rise to the level of a “monthly” douchebag. Out.

.

Lenny is just a sad old clown who can’t help himself. Paulina’s not a hott. Out.

.

Sharkbag is doing it on purpose to sully the reputation of some prize hotts. Renee and her glorious rack have my woody out.

Sharkbag and Renee for the monthly.

3:32 pm June, 28 Mark the Mark from MA said...

I don’t care what Prong is or does, that’s douche and he wins.

3:34 pm June, 28 Anonymous said...

I just shatnered

3:43 pm June, 28 D-Bag 4 You said...

Prong wins

3:51 pm June, 28 Sir Douche A Lot said...

Shark is douche and Renee is boner hot. Lenny is a creepy oldbag. Prong and Lake Crotch Cactii are almost too close for me to call a winner.

Lake Crotch Cactii FTW. The Top Gun shirts are really what makes them win over Prong. Sorry Prong.

3:52 pm June, 28 Scooby Douche said...

I don’t know why I bother to vote. It’s been about a year since I have managed to cast my vote for the winner. Are all of the rest of you blind? Or is it me? Why do I not have the qualifications of a true bag hunter? By the way, are there some classes I can take or something, to improve my choad-spotting skills? I need self esteem.

Anyway, Ima go for Sharkbag and Renee this month. Her fantastic boobs caused me to lick my computer screen for about 20 minutes. I would take mountaineering classes for years just to spend 30 seconds exploring those twin peaks. I could spend years exploring her cave. And Sharkbag, he’s a hard-working douche, what with that stupid hair and arm tat. And what’s that little brown thing in his mouth, a turd?

I reject four-prong as just an asshole, harmless, but an asshole. And his hotts are definitely PTP. Lenny is creepy and his hott is nott. (Not hott I mean…but not creepy either.) Finally, while the Cactii Boys hotts are very lickable (I’d give a months pay for a quick peek under that yellow shirt), they themselves are essentially likeable (as opposed to lickable). Just a couple of lake brothas, having a brew and enjoying the sun.

Sharkbag FTW.

3:52 pm June, 28 I douche, therefore I am said...

While the Cactii are red and tatted up, Lenny is old and by far more naked than he ever should be in any photograph, and Sharkbag is… well, Sharkbag, the monthly is absolutely and undoubtedly Prong’s… Why? Because he so pointedly points out his aptitude for pinning this win/loss. Take it home, pinhead!

4:20 pm June, 28 Whoop-di-douche said...

Every time I stare at Four-Prong I am reminded of that classic icon, Grant Wood’s “American Gothic” with the pitchfork, but theportrait of the farmer and his old maid daughter are irrelevant here.

It’s a painting so popular that the Chicago Art Institute collects a fee on every public spoof and caricature of it, and there are many indeed.

But I digress.

Sharkbag and Renee ought to win this monthly, for his hair is as extreme as Prong’s but his Hott is so far above and beyond the usual proffering, I can hear the sizzle and see the smoke wafting off the screen.

4:37 pm June, 28 sir douchealot said...

Midlife Lenny by a hair

and by hair I mean the ones Lenny shaves daily from his groin, right before the Cialis, and after the 20 min laser comb. Meanwhile, Paulina is riding the Lenny wave, er his credit card until something better comes along

4:52 pm June, 28 Douchey the Great said...

Damn this is hard. I’ve said that the Lake Crotch Cacti are pure scrote, but so is Sharkbag.

In a tiebreaker I’ll make my decision by the Hot Chick who I would prefer to risk a trip to the public health clinic….

Sharkbag FTW.

5:28 pm June, 28 doucheywallnuts said...

Four Prong with five prongs and two hott bleeths FTW. I have to say that since the other pictures of Pronger are here for our perusal they must go into the calculation as to his worthiness. And they make him so worthy. He is no doubt a consistent douche who scores consistent hotts. Lenny is frightening, but may be just a one-trick pony douche and for my money that just isn’t enough. Plus his bleeth looks like a tarted up grade school teacher out for a night with the gals who posed with Lenny as a goof. Sharkbag is just an asshole and the first dude isn’t worth a second look. His name should be Dime a Dozen Douche because in Jerz, Staten, and in various locales around NYC that’s what his type is.

5:54 pm June, 28 Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamscote said...

Hairless Lenny the freak FTW because he stole my wife’s underwear and shaves like her too. Walking a fine

line on the verge of gaybaggery.

6:16 pm June, 28 Steve L. said...

what makes the Sharkbag rise above the other contestants?

when Sharkbag takes his sluts home, his sluts will be 10x wilder in bed than Prong, Lenny, or Cactii could ever hope for. i mean, just look at Prong’s trophy hotts. at least half of them will act exactly like trophies if they have to go to bed with Prong. what a sad excuse of a… Prong. but then you look at Sharkbag and the gleam and spice of his bleeths… THAT is inexcusable.

summarily, Sharkbag is unforgivable. Sharkbag FTM (for the MOCK!)

7:15 pm June, 28 soy bomb said...

Oh, this is an easy one: Sharkbag and Renee for the Monthly. I hate this Überchoad with all of my black heart. The self-satisfied smirk, the ridiculous preening and posing, the played out tatts, the Goose®, etc. etc. etc…and the fact that Renee makes my Ćõččķ as hard as a Trig 500 exam whilst hungover and understudied makes this unholy pairing the slam-dunk winner in my book.

8:03 pm June, 28 Hootie McDouche said...

Gotta be the Sharkbag. It is horrible to think that this choad/wank, this Douche in Extremis, this ugly asshat is floating around the party scene. While I sit here alone with a cat who has projectile diarrhea.

9:37 pm June, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

Gonna go with the 4 Prong. His gender remains a mystery I have yet to solve.

9:52 pm June, 28 Douches Wild said...

Sharkbag for the win- he is the only candidate that represents a meaningful variation on the traditional theme expressed so adequately by the Crotch Cactii Crew. El Prongo misses the boat completely and Lennie is just biding time until he is reincarnated as Kenny G’s toilet seat. Sharky and his mightily respectable babe COULD be the next big step down into the phylogenetic abyss.

11:30 pm June, 28 Douche Dastardly said...

I can’t believe that this monthly could go to that trans-asian 2 week jizz stain on the porno booth wall 4 Prong. ALL his hotts are totally paid to pose. Look at there expressions they might as well be having enemas. He is a non threating thing that has stacked his facebook with these pics to give him club cred, when the only thing he could take home is the gift bag to the lame Vegas-esque parties we keep seeing him in. To the closet of Poo with him.

I would really love to give this to Lenny because there is so much to say Death B4 Dishonor Lenny and a Viagra 30 minutes before intercourse like Dr. Lieberman said.

But this monthly MUST go to Sharkbag. Look at the poses, look at the hotts look at the poses by the hotts. Look at that Friggin hair! This is a bag who is equal parts douche and apocalyptic blight. I hate him and all the yummy naughty little Gershon hotts he is ruining everyday must be saved!

DEATH TO SHARK BAG!

Oh…. and Sharky for the monthly.

11:37 pm June, 28 Douchè said...

It must be FOUR PRONG, for he has that outfit in several colors.

11:55 pm June, 28 Wheezer said...

A tight one this month, unlike Stackhouse’s colon.

.

Lenny doesn’t piss me off as much as he should. Yeah, he’s 57 and daring to wear that outfit to show off his ridiculous tatts, but he’s gonna rock the nursing home soon enough with his James Dean “Devil May Care” ‘tude. Them spinsters ain’t gonna know what hit ’em come 2030, but for now, he’s enjoying playing sugar daddy for Paulina. If she’s intrigued by Lenny, she deserves his leathery sac.

.

The Lake Cacti LackTaters are just fratchoads who haven’t yet outgrown the local community college’s Homecoming parties. While we’d all appreciate them being inverted by a MiG, it’s clear they’re more interested in bromancing than in tainting the hotts…..which will happen over time thanks to the multitude of their Sig Ape broheisels. Not even Bra!! would drink with ’em…..for long.

.

It comes down to the follicular frenzy of the Pronger vs. Shartbag. Both bring a bevy of boobie hotts with them, none more notable than lacy Renee. Shartbag even brings the feeble “bottle as boner” trick to the low end of the gene pool, though he’s really dreaming of reversing positions. My kingdom for a harpoon. It’ll work.

.

But I’m going for Four Prong for the monthly. This chump is honoring Wacko Jacko with his own mutliple plastic surgeries – get a load of those cheekbones – and the “gender ambiguity” to which DB1 referred is the icing on that cake! Jack Nicholson and Cesar Romero want to sue for copyright infringement for him stealing the Joker look.

.

But I find that I want to rescue Angie Harmon’s cheetah hott baby sister from Pronger’s web of deceit in hopes that she’ll get Pronger shitfaced wnough to pass out, and then she’ll grab some shears and cut off that ridiculous shit from his head.

.

And that’s it: the rest of the choads wouldn’t mind losing their hair as much, but Four Prong’s trying to be novel even though he never got past “See Spot run.” He would be crushed to lose his one and only reason for living. Yeah, it’s almost 3:00 a.m. ET and I’m rambling. But who among wouldn’t want to see the fright on Pronger’s artificially lifted face as he discovers he’s been declawed?

11:56 pm June, 28 Wheezer said...

enough*

12:19 am June, 29 Justin said...

YES, Medusa! Well done.

12:53 am June, 29 ever present anonymous said...

I would like to toss two votes at Sharkbag. He’s just to much douche for a single vote.

3:03 am June, 29 angrypirate said...

It’s close with the four prong, but it has to be sharkbag and renee FTW

6:47 am June, 29 Douche Mengia said...

Sharkbag – tough race, but he wins cheesedick-in-chief for June.

6:48 am June, 29 Deltus said...

I’m voting with my gag reflex on this one. The combo that makes me want to vomit the most is Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina. The body tatts, and the GSR from a leather thong thing? Huge, fetid chunks, man.

7:09 am June, 29 Chuckles McGurk said...

Sharkbag because he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. Speaking of dolls, he brought three hotts, (that’s six boobies for those keeping score at home), and one is the elusive red-headed hott.

7:10 am June, 29 creature said...

Sharkbag looks like Mac Tonight & gets my vote… more like Bag Tonight

7:43 am June, 29 Alex said...

Sharkbag

8:53 am June, 29 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Lenny earned my vote with the belly tat alone. The only dishonor Lenny has to worry about is when Carl in Des Moines steals a client out from under him and then brags about it on the next national conference call. “Hey, Lenny, yeah, sorry about the Carmicheal account. But you know, someone body had to take care of them. Fertilizer doesn’t sell itself, you know?”

.

That and wearing a freaking leather speedo, in public, when you’re a f*cking middle aged man who’s failing prostate won’t let you fill a set of Depends let alone a tiny black banana hammock. Lenny, face some reality, Paulina only wants you for your client contacts. Why else do you think she keeps offering to update your yellowing Rolodex cards to your iPad?

9:06 am June, 29 Lurksalot said...

I usually don’t vote but god damn if this opportunity was to good to miss. Truly the a top notch assortment this month with something for everyone.

TLCC bring the every-bag vibe, loaded with douche signals and homo-erotism but ultimately too clueless and contented to win.

Lenny win’s hands down with the WTF catagory but i get the feeling he will spend the rest of his life living this one down.

Which brings me to in my opinion the most interesting contender 4Prong. Yes the hair is ridiculous, the shades pudish and the hots P2P, but his calm indifference suggests certain self-referential irony. The Prong knows he a spectacle and his hots are only there to further their ‘careers’ but he also knows he is the envy of every choad in the club. I just don’t see him getting with any of the hots be poses with, not that he couldn’t take them home if he choose to, rather that they would end up watching gay porn together.

Which brings us to the clear winner Sharkbag. For me this guy has it all, the stupid tats, hilarious hair, props and bottle service, all signals of a bag giving it 100% in persuit of the quality hot. Oh and how it is all working for him, Renee has clearly tagged him as easy prey, to be milked for drink and blow even to the point of going home with the pud. Later he will bring his A-Game in the bedroom, sweating and gasping like some 3 rate porn star until sated, after which Renee will then retire to the bathroom to finish the job. He will wonder why she never returns his calls and why her and her friends giggle whenever they see him in the club. In the mean time he has the confident swagger of a douche at the top of their game, a veritable proto Samurai Scrote.

Sharkbag FTW

10:28 am June, 29 The 'Bagel said...

There was a girl from Aberystwyth

Who screwed every guy that she kissed with.

She tickled the balls

Of the men in the halls

And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.

That said, Sharkbag FTW. I’d like to take this turd to a real punk rock concert and watch him being torn to pieces by an angry mob.

12:09 pm June, 29 Düsseldouche said...

man, i almost forgot about lenny and paulina

but when seeing that ridiculous pic again, i had to laugh out loudly

so lenny ftw and paulina back to düsseldorf

12:25 pm June, 29 Bob Mcadouche said...

Have to give Sharkbag the monthly. The goose fellatio pic is just too much douchery for one week.

1:00 pm June, 29 curbyourendouchiasm said...

Leonard Washington (Dave Chapelle) would say, “Lenny, what you need is some chapstick and a pair of trousers”–I couldn’t agree more.

Sharkbag and 4 Prong don’t quite bother me as much as Lake Crotch. I mean, c’mon the guy looks like a sunburned gecko or Beeker from the Muppets on steroids. His eyes look like they can move in separate directions.

Lake Crotch gets my vote, even though Shark is going to take it.

1:25 pm June, 29 Architeuthis Douche said...

All douches. Look at the Sharkbag, though. See the glint in his eye as he smirks into the camera. That smirk says, “I know that I’m the kind of person that regular people mock. I know that there is no reason for my existence in the universe. I know that I am all that is wrong with the world. And I revel in it.” That kind of conscious doucheosity deserves a monthly, a yearly, a lifetime achievement award from some academy, and the everlasting hatred of the god that isn’t.

2:53 pm June, 29 Farthuffer McDoofus said...

4 Prongs FTW!

6:37 pm June, 29 Crying in my Sleep said...

Lenny wants you to tickle him.

While he fishes in his thong for a treat for the kiddies.

9:30 pm June, 29 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

Sharkbag and Renee. She is crazily hot, the kind of hellcat that makes you think communists are sapping and impurifying your precious bodily fluids, and he’s trying to one up 1992 vintage Vanilla Ice. Sometimes, the biggest freak show is not the biggest douchebag.

10:21 pm June, 29 A-Douche-Ron-Ron said...

He’s fourp

He’s wrong

He’s fourprong – he will not be denied

12:04 am June, 30 Douche Springsteen said...

I wasn’t quite feeling up to voting this week. The past 4 days have been a blur of ungodly bar tabs, paper sacks full of malt liquor right after last call and high sodium fried chicken sandwiches at 3 a.m, then the pale fingers of dawn have found me more often than not passed out with the night’s last unlit cigarette between my fingers while Cartoon Network flickers.

So I have this cat, see. I printed out all four pictures and laid them on the floor. Cats have that inbred evolutionary tendency to cover up fecal matter. As she surveyed the wreckage on the floor, she walked right over to Four Prong and began trying to scratch the carpet in order to cover it. At this point who am I to argue with nature’s design? Four Prong for the monthly.

8:30 am June, 30 Douchesquire said...

Lenny ftw. The red wearing hot for my pants

12:42 pm June, 30 F. said...

Renee. ‘Nuff said.

Sharkbag gets my vote.

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