Monday, June 7, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

With The Sharkbag and Renee our first Weekly winner of the next round, and with The Jizz Singer safely ensconced (hidden forever) in our Closet of Poo, our new round of finalists brings a wide variety of hottie/douchey select to the vote. No classic Jerz Guid here. Just poopie diaper.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina

Not since Old Bernie Schwartz used zipper jacket and tri-vag chin pubes to nearly win a Monthly has an Oldbag been this toxic. Lenny’s Groin Shave Reveal alone is enough to molt canines.

Interestingly, like Old Bernie Schwartz, Lenny’s Midlife Crisis involves a petite blonde suckle thigh, in this case, Paulina from Dusseldorf.

Paulina’s remote, humorless German father and manic depressive mother, Klaus and Uta, never gave her affection as a child.

As a result, she finds Lenny’s midlife need to tatt up and dress like a gladiator to be a punishment she deserves for being a bad girl.

Lenny just hopes his first wife and three kids don’t find out about his double life.

Detracting from Lenny’s chances is that, if you ignore the greased up crypto-gay gladiator lifestyle, he kinda looks like your 10th grade history teacher.

Another Oldbag with sag in the Weekly. But enough to win? Not if this coupling has anything to say about it.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off

There were a number of greasy clubwanks to be mocked from last week. But none brought a mink stole to the game.

For that innovation alone, along with McBain Goggles That Do Nothing, there was no stopping Abe Foxman and the Anti-Douchimation League from making it to the Weekly.

Like Paulina, Kathy is semi-confused European on holiday. I’m not sure the photo fully shows her off in the most flattering light, but I would bet most mamalians would gnaw on a frog leg if it meant a chance to sniff her swiffer during housekeeping chores in the convent back in Antwerp she joined after Foxman ruined her ability to love herself.

Yup. No idea what I’m saying.

There’s a fox on him.

‘Nuff said.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Showie Long and Lynn

From the Friday Haiku comes this skeezy Ed Hardy shorts wearing Lickbag and a tasty, if partially facially obscured hott marshmellow bod, Lynn.

But tapered sideburns, shaved chest and ridiculous tatted up arm sleeves are classic ‘Bag, and thus, Showie earns the Weekly.

As does Lynn, who doesn’t even need a face, proving I objectify slutty women.

I blame my environment.

But them’s your three.

It was tough but I eliminated some of the more skater-punkery of last week’s bags, including The Roadie Choadie, Mopey and the Blondians, and, toughest of all, Mitch: Gangsta of Connecticut. Also, honorable mention to Sinbag’s dancing boat hotts, who offer quite the peach gnaw.

Yeah, maybe I should go back and swap out Showie with Mitch, but it’s early. Maybe if there’s a write-in campaign, I’ll consider a revision. But for now, I need your vote. And I need some Honey Bunches of Oats for tasty morning sustenance.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:14 am June, 7 bigphatnotadouche said...

Showy Long and Lynn for the weekly.

Hott is totally hot and has great Boobies.

Mr. Showy has the hat tilt, crappy tatts and Ed Hardy swimmies. All the water in the world isn’t going to wash the oil from the douche.

Oh, did I forget to mention a great bikini and BOOBIES.

BOOBIES…

7:18 am June, 7 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

“Death B4 Dishonor”, Lenny?

How ’bout just “Death”? Maybe by being impaled by large rod-shaped object in an area of great discomfort?

Eh, forget it, he’d love it. Even with the delicious East-German version of Ana Faris right there. Mmmmmm.

7:18 am June, 7 a daddy said...

Showy Long and Lynn FTW.

7:26 am June, 7 Wedgie said...

“Death B4 Dishonor”

How about ‘”Dress B4 Going Out”?

Stupid Oldbag FTW.

7:34 am June, 7 C.G. said...

Showie and Lynn…

now get to work at getting a photo up of that face!

7:39 am June, 7 DoucheTasticVoyage said...

Abe Foxman FTW, Any man that can that goes back to caveman times with his choadary by clubbing an albino fox and throwing it over his shoulder, should be flown to a planet of poo. His glasses add to this debacle by insinuating that he works in a shutter shades factory and grabbed them off the production line right before the slits where cut. Any man wears a mammal on his back deserves to be mimicked.

7:42 am June, 7 poultry turd said...

Foxman gets huge props for wearing a dead varmint around his shoulders. But based entirely on the fact that I dribbled orange juice and scrambled eggs down my chin at DB1’s description of Paulina’s family situation, it’s got to be Lenny and Paulina.

7:46 am June, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Eet izz join to bee cloze a run thees vik. And thanks for easing up on the board bags although they were unmalicious and unwilling contributors to the problem that is creeping to all demographics and species. But I’ve got to run so a quick vote for boobie marshmallow girl and Showie Long.

7:48 am June, 7 curbyourendouchiasm said...

This is definitely the weakest three I have seen in a while. Particularly since Nathan and Maria are much douchier (in my humble opinion) than the two gay men with Kathy. They’re just openly, flamingly gay, which is a sort of douchiness, but, well…not that there’s anything wrong with it, you know?

I would vote for the Oldbag, BUT, the girl is ugly, and talk about a guy who looks like he’s genuinely living his dream in a leather speedo–it’s the oldbag.

Showie and Lynn FTW–he looks like I did when I first saw the picture: like he’s going to puke in her mouth. I think someone already used the ‘momma feeding the baby bird’ analogy, and I concur: he looks like he’s getting ready to regurgitate the Grey Goose he consumed earlier, right into her mouth.

7:52 am June, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I nominate a fourth, Roadie Choadie because his girlfriend is so skanky the longest thread I have seen was created.

8:07 am June, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I dreamed last night I was eating Lady Gaga’s female part . It was buzzing and smelly and full of puss. And my mouth burned. When I woke up my dog was eating rotten chicken and Stagg Chili farting, I had thrown up a little and showered with borax and vinegar.

8:10 am June, 7 boatbutter said...

Lenny.

8:15 am June, 7 Colossus of Choads said...

They are all nob-ends but only Showy has killed a sentient being.

SHOWY FTW

8:23 am June, 7 Wheezer said...

I’m offering a write-in for Mopey. When you tattoo yourself a hairline and still think you’re badass, you’re asking for a Howitzer to the Adam’s apple.

8:24 am June, 7 massengill said...

Not understanding all the love for Showie here. You can’t even see that girl’s face. She could be totally busted.

8:30 am June, 7 RAPETIME said...

Oldbag, because I see a little bit of myself in him; I too am old and have bursts of really poor judgment.

8:37 am June, 7 Mr. White said...

@massengill

Totally agreed. I also have a strong suspicion that Showie’s “girl” is that “chick” from the Napkin Nights website–I think “she” goes by Tracie. And I’m pretty sure “she’s” a dude. It’s the boxy frame plus “her” prominent Adam’s apple that’s a give away.

Also, for the love of Xenu, please everybody stop voting for #1. Seeing Bill O’Reilly in a leather thong is traumatizing long-dormant reptilian parts of my brain. All of the voices in my head are screaming simultaneously, and although I’m happy to hear them all agreeing for once, the cacophony is quite a distraction.

I’m throwing in with Wheezer and writing in Mopey.

8:41 am June, 7 doucheywallnuts said...

Lenny and Paulina FTW. As evidenced by Sharkbag’s win last week, being an asshole has become more of a determining factor in voters mind’s lately, so I’ll bow to the trend and vote for Lenny. He’s definitely an asshole, but is sporting enough douchebagness to qualify. And there is no excuse for his ensemble, even if worn as a goof at some nightmarish costume party. Paulina definitely helps his cause.

Showie Long and Lynn get a close second based totally on Lynn’s peerless hipbones and lower abdomen, which could coax (has coaxed) gallons of ejaculate out of yours truly. If Lynn’s face is even just slightly better than Joe Torre’s, and I got a glimpse of it, this twosome could have gotten my vote.

8:42 am June, 7 End the Haberdouchery said...

Abe Foxman, the sausage king of the Castro District, FTW. This pic makes me laugh every single time. Kathy’s boobs look magnificent and are trying to throw off that horrid denim thing. Pedro wraps up this trifecta of HCwDBs with pecs so overdeveloped that his nipples poke straight down. Kudos to all.

8:44 am June, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m going by process of elimination let’s start with Lenny and Paulina, I feel he doesn’t not qualify as a DB. There is something going on here with him what I don’t know. He’s more of a a one hit wonder spectacle then douche while Paulina is not that Hott.

Showie Long & Lynn. She brings curvaceous boobie HOTT to the equation with no facial recognition while Showie is dime a dozen Wigga trash.

Which leads me to my pick for the win Abe Foxman & Kathy. They both bring the goods. Imho she is sneaky hott the kind that would stun you with her enthusiastic, all things go, playful antics in the bedroom, backseat of car etc, while Abe is pure Douche no matter how you slice it. Just clear your mind and imagine spotting him for the first time now what is the first ting that comes to mind? DB? Choad? pudwank? in my case all of the above. This should be a no brainer.

8:45 am June, 7 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Holy crap it’s got to be Lenny.

.

That’s all I have to say about that.

.

Lenny and the very confused Paulina FTW.

8:51 am June, 7 Dicy said...

Hmm. I don’t really like any one of these more than the others. We just had an old bag, Fox is probably gay, and we can’t see #3’s face. The db1 said we could write in Mopey and for obvious reasons. The chicks look like they are stuck in middle school emo phase and Mopey is an idiot in that hat… and he neck tats. Ew!

Mopey FTW.

8:54 am June, 7 Dicy said...

he has*

8:58 am June, 7 SloppyJoe said...

I guess I’ll vote for Showie, simply because I can see that his left hand is about 5 seconds away from a massive boob-fondle.

8:58 am June, 7 Crucial Head said...

Captain Hook FTW.

.

And by “Captain Hook,” I mean Mopey.

9:01 am June, 7 Frodo Baggins said...

Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off.

The animal needs justice.

9:09 am June, 7 Scroberto Baggio said...

Abe Foxman. For inventing a new and original way of defiling a corpse.

9:23 am June, 7 scrotum pole said...

I’m not trendy or fashionable, but oversize Florida Grandpa sunglasses and roadkill shoulder drape?

Foxman and Kathy’s asterisk earrings FTW.

9:25 am June, 7 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Showie Long and Lynn FTW, mostly because of Lynn’s GSR. Foxman comes in right behind Showie (and probably likes it), but loses out ’cause his and his broheim’s moobs are bigger than their hott’s. And Lenny? for the love of Pete, get a freakin’ loin clothe!

9:29 am June, 7 Douche Springsteen said...

Lenny, because he manages to out-douche a guy with a dead fox as a fashion accessory, and for not having the balls to put his stomach tattoo into practice.

9:29 am June, 7 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

I paint myself distinctly into the minority corner on this one, but I go with Abe Foxman. For a guy who is supposed to run a defamation league, he just defamed sweet Kathy and the choadwank next to him, and they probably aren’t even Jewish. Abe grabs the nod for introducing a revolutionary douchebag accoutrement – the dead animal. That and the vague Jimi Hendrix/Hector Comacho vibe make him an innovator – a DOUCHEBAG innovator.

9:44 am June, 7 Musicman said...

Lenny and Paulina FTW….While I give major props to oldbags who want to keep seeing women…However, when you dress with nothing but a leather underwear, it’s goddamn scary. Making me look it him more makes me want to take two pencils, and shove them in my eyes. At least the pain from that is better than seeing Lenny dressed like that.

9:47 am June, 7 dbBen said...

Lenny

That picture is so wrong that it woke God up from his slumber.

As we read in the second book of the Scrotepocolypse:

“Look and Behold, the burden of Las Vegas. Behold, I will smite the inhabitants for their old-baggery and douchewankery. For thus it behooveth the LORD. Mine anger is kindled and my arm will be made bare in the eyes of the inhabitants of the land. And ye shall see that in the day of the LORD, He will have no douchey tats, but only the sword of destruction.”

Also, I have the exact same look on my face as the Fox on Abe’s shoulders. Dead behind the eyes. But the last thing I saw was concerning.

9:55 am June, 7 Tony Ventresca said...

Number 3, because:

1. Lynn’s physical perfection is about 40 seconds away from being corrupted by a nasty STD.

2. Showie Long has his tatoos carefully placed to eliminate any possibility of achieving employment.

3. They appear to be necking in a high school gymnasium, which is extremely bizarre and lame.

10:02 am June, 7 One for the Choad said...

Showy’s out because, as Mrs. One for the Choad pointed out, he’s douchey, but the other two are douches with flair. Ultimately, I have to give it to Lenny because JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL IS THAT OLD MAN WEARING?

10:11 am June, 7 mr.reeve said...

Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off FTW!

If you sport a dead animal over your shoulders and Kool Moe Dee 80s glasses while shirtless………you are a Chodie McChoda Taintalicous Twat Dingle Berry Butt Munch.

Abe FTW!

10:11 am June, 7 Bagnonymous said...

I vote Showie Long and Lynn–they’re too perfectly “textbook” douchebag & bleeth to pass up. It’s like they’d fit perfectly on the cover of DB1’s book [insert shameless plug here].

.

PS. Please bring back The Roadie Choadie’s hott and Sinbag’s dancing boat hotts in December. If not for the Hottest Hott douchies, at least for a little extra fwapping on the side.

10:11 am June, 7 Bag Margera said...

Abe Foxman is definitely the winner. No clothes, with the exception of an endangered species of canis around his neck, 3 coats of liquid shit for skin, and blind people sunglasses… at night. What is wholesome Kathy thinking? As bad as Lenny’s midlife crisis is, Abe’s will only be 100 times worse.

10:13 am June, 7 Bagnonymous said...

^ DISCLAIMER: By “shameless plug” I do NOT mean a purple jelly-dong with depth meter or any other similarly-shaped device made for insertion into bodily orifices.

10:15 am June, 7 Scooby Douche said...

I’m so shallow I usually just vote for the girl with the best rack, which obviously is the luscious Lynn. But today I’m gonna jump on that write-in campaign for Mopey.

Mopey is a hard-working douche. That neck tat with the scales of justice he got during the two-year stint at Corona Mens Correctional for cooking up some meth is a classic. And paired with the great hand tat and Dogtown hat make him the trifecta of trash.

I’d rather have my daughter come home with the love child of Lenny before even being in the same room with Mopey. At least Lenny looks like he has a sense of humor. And Abe probably has a job. Showy Long graduated from continuation school. Mopey had none of that.

Mpoey for the win. And Dicy for Hall of Hott.

10:15 am June, 7 Jimmy said...

Upon first inspection it appears as if this is a tough call. However after visiting this site for 5 years or so it has become apparent that many of the douches come pre assembled off of some bizarre factory line in hell. The devil mocks the world with his pre fabricated douches sporting arm sleeves, Ed Hardy and Axe Body spray’s newest scent, Sulfur Inferno. These days there are very few that are memorable as the douche apocalypse approaches. Being as the end is nigh, it takes a special breed of douche to really become memorable. So when mild mannered accountant Lenny decided to sell his soul at the crossroads for his ripped body, Lucifer himself created the horrible visage we see here.

Damn thee oh Dark Lord for you have forever scarred my brain with this middle aged jerkoff in something skimpier than Sean Connery’s costume in Zardoz.

Lenny is the clear winner

10:30 am June, 7 Deltus said...

Gotta go with Showie and Lynn here, mostly for Lynn. Showie, though clearly douche, doesn’t out-choad Lenny or Abe. But this week can’t be decided by the scrotewank. It’s determined by the boobie suckle thigh gnaw taught tummy bikini humping goodness that in Lynn. Even with a plain face, I’d spank it to her posed visage, and she might have an okay, even pretty, face.

Showie Long and Lynn FTW.

10:37 am June, 7 bigphatnotadouche said...

I second Dicy’s nomination for Hall of Hott.

10:47 am June, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Lenny could star as Walter in AMC’s “Breaking Bad Wind” . Showie Long turns my stomach like , uh, seeing a disgusting douche’s tongue slathering on a pillow-y hunch partner. If Abe Foxman brushed your arm on his way by you’d probably experience a hallucinization akin to licking a Colorado River toad, then your genitals would shrivel up and fall off.

Yeah, good stuff all. Gotta go with Lenny/Paulina FTW on the basis of he should know better but he doesn’t.

Or as the band Caviar sang:

Hey give me a towel , Mr. Tangerine Speedo

You’re all over town, Mr Tangerine Lala lala lala la la la

10:47 am June, 7 Anonymous said...

Lenny and Paulina FTW. Because of the bile in my throat IMMEDIATELY upon seeng the pic. UGH.

10:48 am June, 7 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Write in Vote: Road Choadie FTW! He knows that saying he’s affiliated with ANY band, for example Poyzin (Delaware’s favorite Poison cover band) will get him all the tail he can handle (skanky as it is). What he really does is get beer from the bar, hold towels, and mops up puke from three-time losers who can barely play an instrument and “sing” wildly off key. But to him, he’s livin’ the dream and has really great stories to tell while he’s getting soggy sevenths (instead of sloppy seconds).

10:54 am June, 7 Baleen said...

Lenny ftw.

After looking at him, shit sputtered out my ass like paint balls exploding in the toilet in a series of toxic splats that forever will be encrusted on the porcelain.

10:57 am June, 7 DarkSock said...

I’m tossing my lot in with Wheezer, Mr. White, Crucial Head and Dicy and writing in Mopey, because…well hell just LOOK at him…

.

…I’d do my picture paste trick here but 1.) I don’t want to become a dangling chad and 2.) I am hungover like a fuccen beast from staying up till 3 am drinking half a 5th o’ Makers and one (1) Budweiser watching Sam Raimi’s new joint and eatin’ pork chops and chewin’ George Lucas’s chocolate.

.

But I digress. I must write in that terrapin-head sumbitch Mopey because he himself cannot. Write. And his neck is stretched like Lenny’s ballsac caught up in a speeding Schwinn’s rear sprocket simply because his brain is trying to launch itself off of the horror that is his body like a bloody stool discharging itself from a train-killed hobo’s colon who was passed out on the tracks; That gnarled head on that inked neck looks like one of Godzilla’s ham-sized sperm writhing it’s way back out of a narwhale’s tattered asshole. His head OH I HATE HIS NAPPY TRAVIS BARKER LOOKING HEAD I want to put it in John Wayne’s microwave until it explodes like a can of peaches tossed casually into a Fry-Daddy.

.

In short, I’m never drinking again.

.

.

.

.

.

much.

10:59 am June, 7 Vin Douchal said...

I almost went with Mopey but neither of his hotts were nice looking. Of course I say that now because it isn’t closing time at a bar …..

11:13 am June, 7 Doucheachusetts said...

I’m going for Foxman. Although his Hott isn’t that gnaw-worthy, at least in this picture, I feel like Abe represents future trends that we may come to expect from douches everywhere.

11:20 am June, 7 Ted said...

So Abe walks into a bar with a fox around his neck. The bartender says “What the hell is that?” The fix then perked up and said “What, him? I got him in Miami, there’s a million of ’em.”

Abe Foxman FTW.

11:21 am June, 7 Ted said...

So Abe walks into a bar with a fox around his neck. The bartender says “What the hell is that?” The fox then perked up and said “What, him? I got him in Miami, there’s a million of ’em.”

Abe Foxman FTW.

11:23 am June, 7 Dicy said...

@Darksock

You reasons for disliking Mopey mostly frightened me but also inspired me and caused me to shed a salty fuccen tear. This is why we’re biffles! Or is Mr. White my best friend… you’re probly all Jay’s alter egos anyhow. I’m onto you!

11:36 am June, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I was tempted to vote Abe Foxman FTW, because only a huge and malodorous douche would drape roadkill over his shoulders and then go mac on a hott the caliber of Kathy. But there’s far too much nipple in that image, none of which belongs to Kathy, for me to want to see it ever again.

.

As a matter of fact, there’s far too much man nipple happening in this entire weekly line up (minus Showie, who’s sporting little girl nipples). Y’all can take your man nip and suck it, I’m voting for Mopey!

11:37 am June, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Kathy is still quite tasty. I’d Pointer her Sisters any day.

11:53 am June, 7 Douchelips said...

Lenny’s and Paulina simply for the best showing by an oldbag in ages. I mean look at that outfit! The tatts, that hated 2010 bag signifier the groin shave reveal, and for looking like a trustworthy salesman, Lenny deserves the win (loss).

Now if only Lynn wants to come over and have a sleep-over party with me, we can eat gummy bears and watch Friday the 13th while I gently rub her thigh…

11:57 am June, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Mr Reeve

Love the “Kool Moe Dee 80s glasses” reference

12:13 pm June, 7 Medusa Oblongata said...

Darksock FTW. Not biggest douchebag, I mean of this thread.

.

That being said, I cast my vote for Lenny’s Midlife Crisis. Why? Because I have labored over too many humid, middle-aged crotches doing shit tattoos like that. I have had to have my mug too close to the junk of too many Viagra-addled creepsters like this, getting these stupid tattoos in a desperate effort to impress their new [potential] girlfriends. And I’ve had to listen to all of their stupid stories and flirtations and jackass remarks while I tried to just get the job done. And I had to hear about how kinky they were and how much they partied and I knew what a load of crap it all was, but I couldn’t say anything. This is my revenge on all of those slimy, gross, immature, creepy motherfuckers. Lenny FTW.

12:14 pm June, 7 tall guy said...

I vote Lenny. The chance that he’s not already been of his complete and utter doucheness is, at best, remote, but I make an allowance for the strong probability that he’s been running with a pack of similarly hideous types and availed himself of strength in numbers.

12:14 pm June, 7 Troy Tempest said...

Lenny wins because he’s old to know better. And his GSR caused me such gas I left a skidmark on the sofa.

12:16 pm June, 7 tall guy said...

sorry it’s early here. i meant ‘been told’

12:18 pm June, 7 Douchey the Great said...

Showie and Lynn FTW. He’s pollution in the gene pool (and any other pool he jumps into), and Lynn is unadulterated Stage 4 Bleeth.

12:27 pm June, 7 Dex said...

Wow, I’m having trouble picking a favorite.

Showie Long and Lynn are a classic. I tend to say “nothing I haven’t seen before” a lot, but I don’t want to say that as a detriment this time. Sure, they’re nothing new, but they just do it so WELL. Just look at them! You can hear the obnoxious “nyeeeeeeah” sound they’re both making as they breathe the smell of stale alcohol and ashtrays into each others mouths.

But Abe and Lenny ARE two things I’ve never seen before. I feel like Lenny isn’t real. He can’t be real. His face doesn’t match his body. How can such a boring, generic, my-ex-girlfriend’s-dad-who-used-to-drink-too-much-while-grilling-ribs-at-neighborhood-cookouts face be on a trailer trash tattooed stripper body?

And Abe really has brought things to another level. He is wearing a dog. I don’t know if he fed the dog over-the-counter sedatives to keep it in limp-noodle form all night long, or if he actually took the time out to train his pooch to be his Saturday night accessory. The implications of both terrify me.

Gotta give this one to Abe. You have to recognize the guy that can turn a house pet into a douchebag.

12:27 pm June, 7 Architeuthis Dux said...

Foxman, what the fuck kind of haircut is that? A reverse tonsure? Are you trying to demonstrate your diametric opposition to monasticism? By wearing the remains of some poor innocent Arctic carnivore, are you trying to show Kathy from Uppsala that you’re in tune with her northern culture? So. Many. Questions. Head. Expl *head explodes*

12:37 pm June, 7 creature said...

I’m going for Showie & the Hott torso… cut off her arms & head & she’s Venus de Milo

12:52 pm June, 7 Ultra Bagnus said...

Abe Foxman. Why? Because he’s wearing a goddamn fox! Should I ever run across Mr. Foxman, I will anally electrocute him, skin his hide, and presto… I will be wearing a new Abe boa that is sure to impress several naked PETA advertisement hotts.

1:16 pm June, 7 massengill said...

1/2 my vote goes to Lenny

1/2 goes to Abe Foxman, mainly for the hotness of Kathy.

1:36 pm June, 7 Hong Kong Douchey said...

Lenny FTW. He needs to hit the bricks ’cause that aluminum siding ain’t gonna sell itself. Lenny needs to get out of the clubs so he can start saving for his 14 year-old daughter’s therapist bills. She and Mom moved back to Kansas after the divorce. C’mon, Lenny, I’m only 40 and know better than to try that look.

1:38 pm June, 7 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

I call foul on this write-in malarkey. Mopey is leaching votes off Lenny; thus robbing him of his deserved win (loss) and giving Abe the victory (again, loss). Mopey is the Ralph Nader of this week’s weekly.

.

That’s right bitches, a Ralph Nader reference.

2:01 pm June, 7 Horace Dangleballs said...

From DB1:

“Detracting from Lenny’s chances is that, if you ignore the greased up crypto-gay gladiator lifestyle, he kinda looks like your 10th grade history teacher.”

I completely disagree. It is PRECISELY this reason that he and the bratwurst-schlurrping Paulina get my vote. He is the hidden douche, the enemy among us and he must be exposed for the vile filth his true face represents.

2:02 pm June, 7 Mr. Biggs said...

Midlife crisis. All the way, no question, no debate. For eye gouging display of douchebaggery, there is no parallel. His very tattoo is a contradiction because he should have killed himself long ago for such a disgraceful display.

2:14 pm June, 7 JimDog said...

Showie Long – his face is incredibly disturbing for someone who is in the middle of tounging a hot chick.

2:30 pm June, 7 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

Ummm… guess I gotta go with Showie Long and his scrote tongue and his provacative, yet mysterious hott.

Lenny just looks pleased to not be the showpiece of a taxidermy shop, and Abe looks like a bro’ that could fix me for daring to vote for him, but Showie…

Showie’s tongue looks like a professional football placekicker tagged him square in the nads with a full force kick, and with his last bit of life-energy, he let his escaped manhood dribble out of his mouth. And that is just scrote!

2:39 pm June, 7 Anonymous said...

For years, I admired Jack LaLanne for his commitment to fitness and even thought the dude was badass in his 90s, but I had no idea he led a double-life. And now … I feel … shame. Frankly, I feel dishonored and I want to die.

When I get cremated, just don’t use that Dennis the Menace slingshot thing he’s wearing to launch my ashes into the Pacific.

This f—in sucks.

Lenny

P.S. — If Kathy mixes in some crunches, she’s potential Hall of Hott.

2:50 pm June, 7 Düsseldouche said...

gotta go with the oldbag

oh and screw you, klaus and uta!

2:58 pm June, 7 Victor von Douche said...

I can’t bring myself to vote for Lenny, he’s not taking himself seriously enough to be a proper contender, maybe if he made a gang sign or cocked his head in a smoot-esque manner. I’m going to have to go with Showie Long. The insidious tongue exposure, cocked hat, tat sleeve, Ed Hardy shorts, etc. are all classic douche, he clearly wants it the most.

3:03 pm June, 7 Cheesesock said...

It’s tempting to cast a vote for Lenny’s Midlife Crisis, but, his oddity and late in life ‘bagging just scream “posing with a call girl,” and not a true bag-tag. I’m a meat and potatoes guys. That’s why I’m going with Showie Long and the lovely Lynn–oh Lynn, she of hot tummy suckle and eternal damnation.

3:20 pm June, 7 Bro M. Chomsky said...

All I know is Lenny and Showie both need to make it to the monthly.

3:46 pm June, 7 Ohio FJ said...

Lenny FTW

4:00 pm June, 7 BMC said...

Showy Long and Lynn for the win. The hot is, well, hot and he certainly is not.

4:03 pm June, 7 Deltus said...

Would that we could mix and match the douche with the hott. Were it so, I’ve vote Lenny for douche and Lynn for hott. Now THAT would be a killer combination. And by killer, I mean vomit-in-your-mouth level.

4:46 pm June, 7 Doucheasorus Maximus said...

Lenny FTW. Did he lose a bet? WTF is he thinking??

4:52 pm June, 7 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

My vote goes for Abe, Kathy, and Kitchen. I mean, a FOX PELT? Really? You’re that desperate for attention?

5:31 pm June, 7 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Abe shows a spark of creativity for having a dead animal, but Lenny is just too disturbing to pass up.

I mean, WTF is that? Lenny FTW.

6:16 pm June, 7 Bag A said...

Lenny FTW.

6:21 pm June, 7 Mahatma Gandouche said...

I was in a Starbucks this morning and heard a young girl scream out in horror… DAD? and then ran out the door in tears, leaving her laptop on the table

I glanced over to see she had this picture of Lenny on her screen and felt sorry for her. I decided a vote for him would only prolong his 15 min of fame.

Showie is a standard club douche, he got his look off the shelf at the Rehab gift shop it’s called Scrote In A Sack only $189.98.

Abe on the other hand, actually had to hunt down that albino rodent he has on. Now that is real commitment to the “Lifestyle” Abe FTW!

8:10 pm June, 7 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off FTW. I’m pretty sure he killed and skinned that creature only so he could wear it around the house with his wiener tucked in…kinda like a girl.

12:52 am June, 8 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

While Lenny brings back nightmares of my maths teacher, and Showie Longs rather casual lack of interest in Lynns advances makes me angry enough to want to puch smurfette in the clunge. I simply can’t go past Abe Foxman.

Theres a hotchick in that photo, I know it, it wouldn’t be in the weekly otherwise. But I can’t seem to get past the dead vermin draped around that musky euroderp. If its fake thats one thing, but if its real, I hope the rest of that poor arctic foxes family hunts down and gains vengence for this atrocity. Not so much that the fox was killed in the first place, but the act of desecrating the poor animals hide by slinging it around the greasy shoulders of someone whose word for the day calender probably reads ‘date rape’.

And then theres the goggles. I guess you need them for all the mace that gets sprayed your way when you resemble Conans worst dressed cousin. Go back to fighting camels on the tundra buddy, we don’t want you here any more.

Abe Foxman for the win!

4:30 am June, 8 Steve L. said...

Lenny clearly wants a deathmatch. just for having the spirit, i will gladly face him in the ring (just not in that fucking disgusting outfit!). and i’ll also vote for him in the weekly.

6:41 am June, 8 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Old Bernie is just too sad. But it is nice his daughter still cares.

Showie Long is more disease than douche-he is lacking the super ego quality

ABE FOXMAN for the win- This guy will take on Peta for a chance to show you he is a douchebag

7:17 am June, 8 smackdouche said...

In my humble opinion, a truly great douche/hott photo has a douche who believes himself to be the the “center” of the photo. Further, he believes he is the reason anyone would want to look at said photo and the hott is simply “riding his coattails”.

Old Bernie’s facial expression says that he feels ridiculous and is kindly taking a ridiculous picture with a young fawn.

Showie’s pic, on the otherhand, is obviously carried around on his person and shown when his “deliciousness” is in question. Sort of, “If I’m not all that, them how am I macking on this hot piece of ass”.

Therefore, ABE is the obvious choice. He doesn’t acknowledge that there are others in the picture, they are background to his masterpiece. Moreover, he only requires the presence of the mink.

And for the record, if I had only a picture of me holding hands with Lynn, I would carry it around and show everyone I know–including my wife and my mother.

7:27 am June, 8 Scrote Douche-N-Harmony said...

Even Jim Joyce could make this call: Abe, Kathy and the Guy are the best Douche/Hott combo and deserve the win.

Lenny is obviously at some weird fetish party and Showie is from the Inland Empire where guys like him are a dime a dozen.

8:15 am June, 8 my friends call me @$$hole said...

i gotta’ give it to foxman and the prep cook… firstly, i’d like to extend a notta’ to the prep cook, he’s just a guy in a photo with some girl in some club and his annoying ass friend, he probably calls foxman a cockblock behind his back, but they were friends since the first grade or something… but foxman doesn’t need homies to back him up to take this weekly, he has a dead animal draped over his bare shoulders… if anyone from PETA reads this, do make sure and schedule him for a public dousing in fake blood and quickly…

10:46 am June, 8 Army of Bullshit said...

Abe FTW! and Army of Douch-ness is a douche himself.

1:02 pm June, 8 melvil duchi said...

Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy gets my vote.

1:25 pm June, 8 Pablo Sinatra said...

The only way my mind can accept that Lynn will willingly lean into the horrible, tonguing, gobbling pie-hole of Showy Long is if I believe that someone just off camera is holding a gun to her head. So, in my mind, that’s what’s happening.

In spite of that, Abe Foxman gets the win in my opinion, for digging up my dead dog and wearing him as a scarf. A little respect for the dead, douchebag!

1:38 pm June, 8 Sir Harry S. Flashdouche said...

Lenny FTW!!!!!! Fucking disgusting!!!!

1:42 pm June, 8 Douche Dastardly said...

I have to admit those pushing Mopey have made a good case for him being in this weekly. But when I look at the crusty sac- a- douche that is Lenny I cannot agree.

Old bags can be funny and harmless, who knows Old Bernie who holds a special place in bag and tag library is an Old Bag amateur compared to Lenny.

At first glance Lenny’s Gladiator photo could be quickly labeled as some simple Old Bag Costume party one time thing, but those ab tatts and flaming basketball quarter arm sleeve tell us this is not Lenny’s first time at the rodeo.

Walnuts is right . Lenny is definitely an asshole, but first and foremost he is a douche.

Lenny FTW

4:04 pm June, 8 Froggy said...

Abe FTW.

A Lenny victory might actually BE a victory for an oldbag like that and above all else, mockery must reign.

Showie is a run-of-the-mill bag and doesn’t move the doucheneedle in the same way that Abe’s dead animal action clearly does. BOLO for groin shave reveal to be supplanted by animal carcass neck wear.

Evolution is a bitch.

6:19 pm June, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

FOXMAN gets my vote for daring to wear animal pubes on his shoulders.

6:23 pm June, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

FOXMAN gets my vote for daring to wear animal pubes on his shoulders when clearly he’s no shaman.

Hott is’nt a she-man either, so she gets a pass.

Bus boy there can go back to the den.

11:25 pm June, 8 ehcuodouche said...

Showie Long for the weekly. His facial expression is similar to the one I had while viewing the picture, at least when the dry heaves began.

12:14 am June, 9 Bob Mcadouche said...

Abe Foxman, for the saddest death of a land mammal since Old Yeller

2:04 am June, 9 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Lenny. Lenny. And Lenny. Captain Old Balls is the douche that refuses to give up douching. The other two clowns will eventually grow up to live depressing and unsatisfying lives. Their shame will be second only to the handicaps they suffer on account of their poor life decisions. And that’s just. But Lenny’s slipped through the cracks. He’s one of the few douches who’s been able to buy into every retarded fad yet slime into a comfortable living. His fifty year douchémé is legendary. Paulina appears comfortable enough with this wrinkly testicled asshat to touch his leathery shoulders. That fact alone has given me some disturbingly violent urges. If he even makes it to first base I’m going to stomp on my dog’s nads… And you know what? He’s a good dog.

2:49 am June, 9 The Choad Warrior said...

Despite Lynn’s most awesome Groin Shave Reveal, and Showie Long’s HR Giger inspired arm, and despite Abe Foxman’s mink stole, I have to award it to Lenny.

I don’t know what happened to Lenny that resulted in THAT kodak moment, by my God I am almost happy it did. It gives me faith that somewhere there is a line up of unemployed bond traders watching mtv on as unyet unpaid for cow leather couch and pawning their diamond cufflinks, before deciding to get formulaic tattoos, liposuction and measured up for a spandex g-(v?)- string – and persuading sadistic club owners with a dark, dark sense of humour, that a “Revenge on Keynesian Capitalist” Thursdays will be a major drawcard for college Hotts.

Lenny’s future just got “shorted”, and the dignity spread is widening.

4:51 am June, 9 I douche, therefore I am said...

Gotta go with Abe Foxman, if only out of heartfelt compassion for the poor animal dangling from his shoulder.

It still displays the sad, dejected look that it must have had when it breathed its last breath, stuck up Abe’s pooper, where it had spent most of its waking life.

This terrible crime must remain in the collective consciousness, as a reminder to always challenge and mock the foxmen we encounter!

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