Tuesday, May 31, 2011

HCwDB of the Month

Bring it.

Your humble narrator is back in action, and today is a big day. Today we select the winners of the HCwDB of the Month and next entrants in the hallowed HCwDB of the Year at the Douchie Awards in December.

Here’s your choices:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn

This classic pairing of rocker wipestain and sexy giggle butt belly slappy pooch hotty hott harkons back to the halcyon days of HCwDB when we mocked Deathtongue and lusted Quartasian Mia Sara Hott.

Jenn is pure like snowflake, no one could ever stain.

The memory of her boobies will never cause me pain.

Yeah, I’m quoting the great Peter Wolf. Lead singer of master bar-room thespians, the J. Geils Band, and he who snagged ’70s Faye Dunaway Bonnie Hott.

But we am not here to talk about Peter Wolf shagging Faye Dunaway.

We are here to mock rocker choad like Pukey Bowie for all that is phoney and store-bought fraud in douche culture.

And determine our monthly coupling winner. And we got three more in the mix:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Buzzy Fails to Appreciate Marissa’s Taut Sundials

Buzzy is all that has gone toxic in American masculity in the age of the tribal tatt and hair grease.

Marissa is firm, taut suckle thigh, who may or may not be have been from some form of reality T.V. in the past.

But there is no reality T.V. at HCwDB.

There is only Cleavite.

And stupid Vegas choad.

Cohabiting. Wrongly.

I would spittake through a bad 1960s sitcom starring Don Knotts and Phyllis Diller just for the chance to vast her wastelands in an angry speech before Congress.

There is no doubt this coupling is beyond wrong and deserves our collective disdain.

But are they enough to win? Does hottie/douchey dialectic rise to Yearly levels?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Evil Bert and Dead Bin Laden

Okay, this is a strange one, but rules is rules. I gave this evil pairing of strange douchosity a Weekly Win, and so they’re in the Monthly.

Evil Bert is the Hot Chick of this equation, harkoning back to when you were four years old and got confused that Bert and Ernie shared a bedroom.

Bin Laden’s douchery needs no further elucidation. But when his ass went down, it deserved a Weekly enshrinement.

And so the Bert/Bin Laden HCwDB pairing makes the Monthly.

Enough to win? Who knows? That’s up to you. Stranger things have happened at HCwDB.

But there’s one more global terrorist on the list. And his name is Pumpin’head:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic

An erupture of pumped up uberschlort that occured on DarkSock’s watch, some have observed that the Peter and Mary Gospels were actually written back in 2010 when Peter appeared as Veg Armstrong.

Veg made another appearance with UberArm and Pauline.

But whether appearing in 2010 or not, this site is about highlighting the extremes that the male will go to to peacock for the hot chick. And Pumpin’head, even lacking the more obvious douche signifiers of Pukey Bowie, Buzzy or Bin Laden, is that inflatadouche.

The Pumpy-esque (R.I.P) run of Peter and Mary’s inflation and spectacle is epic.

Unfortunately due to over-Weeklying, I had to drop last week’s U.S Olympic Synchronized Nodding Team and Grecian Greta from the mix, but they didn’t stand a a chance against this competition anyway.

So I’m back, baby. But I need your help.

Which of these four couplings deserves the win/loss and our collective mock?

This site is nothin’ without you, so vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:08 am May, 31 Wedgie said...

The inflatable twins for the win. Number 4, and here’s your yearly unless we unearth another Stackhouse. Unlikely.

7:35 am May, 31 Bag Margera said...

Unfortunately Bin laden’s hot chick has a unobrow that is really putting me off.
.
Pumpinhead all de way!

7:39 am May, 31 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

If over-the-top is what we are going for here, no one is more over the top than the incredible Peter Pumpin’ head and Mary Mamms. His tiny head no doubt houses a tinier brain, and her giant mamms contain enough silicon to produce a million iPhones. Douchier and bleethier one cannot find.

7:52 am May, 31 ehcuodouche said...

Well we can eliminate the brother/sister #2 and male/male coupling of #3 right out.

This leaves us with Pukey and Pumpin head, and despite the awesome alliteration, Pumpinhead and the Mamminator are just too cartoonish to really take seriously. I’m a bit scared of Mammtastic, actually. If she were in the same room with me, I’d be perpetually panicked that one of her overstuffed orbs would blast silicon shrapnel beyond all believable bounds (h/t Paul Linnman).

Which leaves us with Pukey. He’s got pouty-Susan-Dey lookalike Jen, and I have to admit I’ve had a thing for her growing up with the Partridge Family and especially since Looker. Meanwhile, Pukey is showing off a yeast infection, which is a serious party foul, and overrides the Rockstar Leniency Rule, which Pukey would get if he were actually a rockstar, and not a 7-11 clerk who sings part time for a crappy Aerosmith cover band in Dubuque, Iowa.

7:54 am May, 31 MoeDouche said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jen FTW!

Peter Pumping and the inflatable twins are just a circus act. Pukey is prancing around like some hot s*t with Hott Jen wrapped around his finger. That really p*d me off.

7:56 am May, 31 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Even laying down this Anus has his head tilted back and to the left. Peter Pumpinhead and Mary Mammapalooza hands down. I hope they both fall in a tiger trap and have to resort to eating one another to survive. Free Range Douche? I think not…

8:11 am May, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

While Evil Bert may be the hottest hott IMHO, I am here to bring down the douchiest douche. And that honor goes to Pukey Bowie with his cauliflower ear on his finger and his general disdain for all things hygiene related. And to top it all off a bracelet made from his little sister’s jeans.
.
Evil Bert for HOH.

8:15 am May, 31 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Evil Bert and the Dead Prick – Get some

Son

8:22 am May, 31 jonezy said...

Pumpinhead and Mary.
.
Darksock summed it up best in his post. A never ended self reflection of bleeth and choad that knows no end.
.
And Pump Friction.

8:27 am May, 31 schlicht bindenburger said...

#2 has that fungus gnat nest under his lower lip which collects the odd refried bean from his weekly taco bell excursion. thats got to be an plus!

8:36 am May, 31 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This is truly a worthy field.
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As much as the inflatables are worthy of some type of award, I’m not as outraged as I could be for the simple reason that these two half-pool toy, half-human hybrids deserve each other. I still have a rather macabre desire to see her naked… but I’m sick that way.
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No hott in the OSB pic, as we all know Bert takes top when hopping into the bubble bath with Ernie.
.
I truly feel for Marissa’s after that devastating roundhouse to the mammary. Buzzy would take first most weeks, but this week he is number 2. Ok. He’s always number 2.
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My vote goes to Neil Young’s animated corpse and the Kate Hudsonesque beauty of Hott Jenn. So let it be written, so let it be done.

8:40 am May, 31 RAPETIME said...

Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic. I’m not a fan of her bolt-ons, but the rest of her looks just fine, and he…well, he has biceps the size of my head. Together, they comprise a mass of human peacockery that hits its very own Chandrasekhar limit, becoming a black hole that, instead of swallowing all light, swallows all human decency and makes doves cry.

8:53 am May, 31 dbBen said...

Pukey Bowie
.
For his fung tongue.

8:58 am May, 31 DarkSock said...

While Bin Laden is a douchebag of epic proportions, he’s more of the Hitler/Stalin/Oprah level of E-Ville douchebaggery, which differs from our mission station of pushing back against hot-taintery.
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Also a vote for Evil Bert is tacit endorsement of extreme fisting, which also deviates from our core mission. However I’d second Nancy D’s vote to include Evil Bert in the Hall o’ Hott.
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No, my vote without hesitation goes to Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammegeddon. They elicit the same sort of simultaneous repulsion/fascination as watching baboons knife-fight one another on a stack of old Hustler magazines.
.
Pump n’ Mamms For The Bloat.

9:13 am May, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I must reserve my vote until I am qualified. And by qualified I mean after I golf in the scorching May Sun. Son.

9:15 am May, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Screw it. Bin Laden for losing face. And by face I mean face. Son.

9:37 am May, 31 smackdouche said...

peter/veg/uber and mary/pauline. Go ahead and put my vote in for the yearly also. The tits are obvious, but there is NO WAY that she was born with THAT nose.

9:45 am May, 31 skrag2112 said...

Pumpin’Head FTW. Bin Laden is disqualified for being dead.

9:46 am May, 31 Wedgie said...

^Any “before” shots available, DB1?

10:04 am May, 31 Douchie Arnaz said...

You ever blow up a balloon, only to find that, no matter how hard you blow, and how much the balloon in general swells up, you can’t inflate the little nubbin on top?

For some reason PPH made me think of that. FTW.

10:05 am May, 31 Collaz B. Popped said...

The more I look at Pukey, the worse he gets….his douchecoutrements are horrible,,,but his hat is being worn straight. (on mandanna no less)

FTW Pumpin Head – He just had to wear his baseball cap at a side tilt in that one pic.

Mary is bad, but the things I’d do to her w. Frank Mercurio….

10:05 am May, 31 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn FTW. The fact that Jenn isn’t repulsed is sending me into a shame spiral.

10:18 am May, 31 Vin Douchal said...

No. No vote for Pumpin’Head and Mary Boogernose or whatever her name is. This is an attempt at being Douche/Bleeth on purpose. That in itself is annoying. We have a better choice
.
Pukey Bowie is all kinds of wrong be it the pierced lip ( a trend that should die! die! die! now) , denim , yes, denim wristdana to go along with bracelets he found in his mom’s box, (jewelry box, you asses) and facial expression/hat/glasses borrowed from Alex Van Halen circa 1987: it’s just wrong.
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Dude, you are not cool. Not even a little tepid.
.
She’s delighful and I’d eat her out. That is all
.
Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn FTWbecause they suck. Hard

10:20 am May, 31 DarkSock said...

Also, “Osama Bin Laden” is an anagram for “Lob da man in sea”.
.
.
.
.
Just wanted to clear that up. Not a vote or anything.
.
.
.
Umm, yeah…carry on then…sorry.

10:25 am May, 31 Ted Brogan said...

Buzzy and Marissa. She’s truly hot, and he’s got quite a few DB indicators. I can’t vote for Peter and Mary because they are self-aware. And aside from being overly lumpy, there aren’t a whole lot of signs. Not even a mark of the bag!

10:54 am May, 31 Et Tu Douche? said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn for the win and by win I mean fail. Her boozy pout/smirk and not so subtle crotch fondle lends to her sneaky hottness. She can be saved and by saved I mean I’d doink her if given the opportunity. Pukey Bowie is a narcissist of the first order. His whole theme of rocker angst screams look at me and what that is really saying is that he didn’t get enough hugs or attention when he was younger.

11:23 am May, 31 Crucial Head said...

Hot Chicks with Douchebags.
.
Hott Jenn with Pukie Bowie.
.
Pretty fuccen simple.

11:28 am May, 31 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Not to second guess judgement, but the Bag is the Mark. He is so douchy, he achieves douche into the douchosphere without even so much as a shitty tattoo, jesus bling, or smirk/sneer. This is the epitome of douchedom- where a man, naked of all that would be the marks of the douche achieves an unparalelled level, just by his ignorance of self, shitty haircut, and his complete acceptance of his place in the universe, right next to the vagisil, right above the tampons.

11:48 am May, 31 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

DB1, great to have you back. Hope your sabbatical was everything you had hoped.

Pukey Bowie for the win. Wristdana, douchetags, and wearing my grandma’s cataract surgery sunglasses in a bar at night, come on, how can he not win.

in one sense joe flacco and osama bin laden are an auto-winner, but in another they are not representative of the cultural phenomenon we are here to chronicle.

thus, it is with heavy vas deferens i vote for hott jenn and pukey bowie. she is as dirty sweet as a t-rex song, hopefully she passes out before pukey commits rock heresy and bangs her gong.

11:49 am May, 31 Ludicrous Axehandle McCockkwielder said...

This is not a vote DB1, but I hope the lack of legitimate hott in this monthly (only two hotts, 1 filthy bleeth and Bert) wasn’t retribution for DarkSock’s asstronomical reign of Ass Pear uponst us poor assylum dwellers in your absence.
.
Though I guess I can get into Bert from the right lighting angles… in a Lady Ga Ga kinda way…

11:55 am May, 31 tall guy said...

Working from home yesterday I switched on the TV during my lunch break and watched an episode of The Love Boat. It featured an all-grown-up version of that chick who played Marcia Brady and she was revealing some mighty impressive side boob. For some reason Marissa’s tautness reminds me of what I so enthusiastically viewed yesterday. Sure, no side boob and, truth be told, neither is Marissa sporting the same virulent shade of orange as Marsha – or practically everyone else on board that floating petrie dish – does, but there’s a certain cuteness to both hotties that really floats my boat. Buzzy is quite wrong. From the excess hair grease right down to the likelihood of his groin shave reveal, here we witness the douche morphing from early stage to confirmed accessory after the fact stage. Am I making sense? Whatever, Buzzy and Marissa FTW!

11:56 am May, 31 Vin Douchal said...

The J. Geils Band officially jumped the shark with the career killing “Centerfold”. The same band that released one of the all-time great live albums, “Full House” went MTV and dumbed it down for the cash-out. No prob, fellers, make it while you can ….
.

11:58 am May, 31 Mandouchian Candidate said...

“Joe Flacco and Osama Bin Laden,” FTW!!!

1:11 pm May, 31 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I hate when reality pushes its way into my fantasy world, so for this reason I cannot vote for Evil Bert and Dead Bin Laden. Maybe in another few decades I will be able to embrace Dead Bin Laden as a month winner, as today I am sure I would embrace Adolph Hitler if he somehow showed up poolside in Vegas.
.
So for reasons too obvious to have to explain I cast my vote for Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic. Once again, to quote Flaubert, “Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in.” And I would fail if I attempted to pose in the manner of Pumpin and Mary…

1:22 pm May, 31 Anonymous said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jen for the simple fact that she appears to be rubbing that turd’s package and that makes me very very angry.

1:24 pm May, 31 Hermit said...

Buzzy reminds me of Jim McMahon who was a douchebag way back when Chicago was a far-flung western outpost, inhabited by French fur-trappers and bloodthirsty, opium-smoking savages.
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But, I really don’t care about him ’cause what I’d like to do is stare directly and unblinking into Marisa’s white-hot poon-dial until mucus mixed with Benadryl® bubbled from my nostrils, the image was burned permanently into both retinas and tiny drops of semen trickled from my weenus, dripping on my Red Wing® work boots.

1:35 pm May, 31 Mr. Biggs said...

Strong a contender as Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn are, they are outdone by Pumpin’Head. For this is the monthly, where mere punchability won’t win it alone. Pumpin’Head takes us to the next level of douchiness, where such grotesque exaggerations of flesh are actually CELEBRATED in a photo shoot.
Pumpin’Head for the monthly, for his demonstration of how far down the spiral our douchey society has gone.

2:01 pm May, 31 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn FTW! Why? Because she has that “I’m-fun-and-I-get-REALLY-horny-after-2-drinks” kind of look on her face that would send most guys to the bar with a $20 bill in their hand like the old O.J. Simpson commercials for Hertz. He, on the other hand, keeps trying to convince his co-workers at Cinnabon that he was a guitar tech for Izzy Stradlin’ on the Use Your Illusions tour but he was forced to quit because he played better then Izzy during one of the soundchecks.

2:34 pm May, 31 Anonymous said...

Mary has infinite density, her mammaries are built from barely constrained neutron stars, while Peter is nebulous, his biceps filled with an (un)noble gas.

How could anything compare to this cosmic, paradoxical and soul-destroying pairing of weight per unit volumism?

They are proof of the entropic decay of the universe and make me ponder the Big Crunch…

2:46 pm May, 31 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Peter and Mary FTW.
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And by win I mean Oh, deer lord!
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And I want to rub butter on to Mary’s bolt-ons, whilst placing my foot on Peter’s head and forcing it under the waves.
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Yes, the Douchedox compells me to vote for Mary’s bolt-ons. I feel hideous and must shower.

3:17 pm May, 31 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Channeling @Dude McCrudeshoes: This is truly a murder’s row of rank, unbridled douchitude.

But seriously, how douchey is a steroid cartoon that can’t wipe his own ass…or a dead guy who, for a split second, saw his whole smelly, sandal-shorn, un-washed, homicidal life pass before his one good eye. And Bert (and Ernie) always failed to arouse me as much as Miss Piggy and her imagined multiple teats. Admit it: She inspired more than a few of us to become the rutting pigs that we are.

Buzzy is truly an over-tatted turd, but Marissa sees his fecal form for what it is…and she’s too sweet to have her ‘taint tarnished with his taint.

Pukey and Hott Jenn FTM – ‘cuz he’s the only one of the bunch who deserves to be permanently exiled to Bin Laden’s Afghan estate…and she reminds me of the last Vegas stripper I ever polished off an 8-ball with.

3:21 pm May, 31 McLeery said...

Pukey for sure. Peter and his girl, while ridiculous dont cut the mustard. She is not bleethy enough and his lack of tats, Ed Hardy gear and idiotic bling pull him out of the running.

3:27 pm May, 31 Stephanie said...

Pumpkin head is slap-able for the win/not win when you look like that.

3:32 pm May, 31 Daggerbagger' said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jen FTM. The badass acid wash denim jacket, ‘musically educated’ iconic bowie button, bootleg slayer tee, dog tags and skull and crossbones patch come together to form what Pukey believes is a radical expression of his free will, love of metallica’s black album and distaste for all fukin authority, man. Wrong. Everything about Pukey is just so contrived it makes my head spin. Yet Jen has fallen for it. tut tut

Skate on brooa

3:35 pm May, 31 Horace Dangleballs said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn get my vote.

Just pure, grade A wrong — on far too many levels to get into while sober. I can only hope the stem end of that white rose is jammed so far into his ear that it penetrated whatever walnut-sized cell cluster that serves as his brain.

As for PPH and MM… it’s been said that most drownings occur in less than 3 feet of water. And if their inflated torsos keep them afloat, well… most shark attacks happen less than 15 feet from shore. Either way it’s a win.

4:35 pm May, 31 youcancallmegod said...

For anyone who wants to check this inflated hot goto Gizel.net

4:46 pm May, 31 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Choad the Douche Sprocket:
You can channel me anytime. I can even be mainlined with a 20 gauge needle or larger.

4:51 pm May, 31 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^thank you, god, for the link. Though google and that name gets you more explicit pics for free. True to form, god gives nothing away without expecting much in return.

5:03 pm May, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m gonna go obvious and give my Paul to Peter and Mary. Then I’m gonna go not-so obvious and say that I’m voting for her because I can tell she used to be very, very hott. Then she got those hideous tits, that spiny, overchiseled nose and the 43 psi inflat-a-lips. She did that to herself so she could attract men. Huh? WE HAVE VAGINAS, THEY’RE LIKE MAGIC, WTF? Ohhhh, I see what was going on here. She had to have a certain TYPE of man. One who is vain, shallow, arrogant, insecure and a total flaming bucket of douche. She could not have found a better specimen. Peter and Mary FTW, and may God have mercy on their souls.

5:04 pm May, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

….And thank you, THANK YOU, for bringing back the vote, Boss. i hope you had a lovely sabbatical, drank of the finest alpaca spittle available and are refreshed and ready for more mock. I know I am!

5:07 pm May, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

…Might I also add that Peter reminds me of that idiot David Arquette? This looks like the movie poster for another one of his stupid, immature quote-unquote films.

5:14 pm May, 31 army (ret) douche said...

One cannot posibly vote for Armstrong and Mammageddon. Freaks are not what this site is about. Evil Bet and Dead bin Laden? I think not, as much as the guys in Seal Team 6 rock, they deserve a hushed appaluse and quiet recognition. Now that we have cut through the shit letsget to the douche. Pukey is abnoxious and most deserving of a trashcan to the head. However Jenn’s experssion of acceptance and possiblyeven encouragement of his behaviour deems her not worth saving. Marissa on the other hand is sweet an innocent, wooed by the darkside and must be pulled back to all that is good and pure. For se deserves far better than buzzy’s negect and passion for ax products.

5:20 pm May, 31 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Even though Mary is the least hot of all the hotts, (and yes, I’m including Bert), I’ll still vote for her and Pumper. There is just no way I can’t vote for the astonishingly distorted body images on display.

5:41 pm May, 31 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Mammtastic Mary and her Mountains of MMMMilk FTW…too bad Pete’s twigs and berries will need restarting like Manny’s!

6:20 pm May, 31 Collaz B. Popped said...

This is a diabolically difficult monthly – – I could easily see Pukey as RockerBag of the Year because of his obvious strength in that area.

I just chuckled again at “Pukey” name, doesn’t he play drums for The Dildonics?

But nobody has bigger guns than Peter – and he wants the world to know it.

6:38 pm May, 31 Troy Tempest said...

Voting matters, and my vote goes to the obvious winner: Inflate-o-Douche and Bleethy Blimp Boobs. These two are so over the top useless they makes my sinuses cake themselves in tiny bits of eggshell for protection. These two are so badly damaged they make sid and nancy look well adjusted.

6:49 pm May, 31 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

In the world within which I reside, douchebags don’t pump stacks, they pump gas. They don’t lift weights, they wait tables. They don’t live at the gym, they live in their mother’s basement. And they don’t get sucked into the gravitational field of a pair of binary boobies.
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They just suck in general.
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And in my world hott chicks still won’t acknowledge my Facebook friend requests.
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Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn because his life plateaued in his second run at the 11th grade, and she’s just into him for the free carwash tokens.

7:18 pm May, 31 Grand Douchemeister said...

Bin Laden’s douchiness, as somebody else mentioned, is more of the pure evil variety.

This qualifies to get straight up murdered by Navy SEALs, but not for the monthly. This is a competition for the Real World (copyright, MTV) douche. One that we, the readers, see out there, poisoning the wells of hotness with their arm sleeves and Ed Hardy shirts.

I’d say Buzzy and Marissa, but Pumpin’head and Mammtastic are too douche/bleeth for words.

Therefore, they win.

7:33 pm May, 31 Frank Mercurio said...

You wanna use me to do what, now?

7:50 pm May, 31 soy bomb said...

Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn FTW. Jenn’s sly (drunken?) slanted smile is all that is mega-cute and drrrty. Bowie’s brand of douche is absolute. Where all eyes justly belong affixed on Jenn, Pukey will have none of it. He wants, nay needs your attention and will play the rockstar dress up clownfool to get it. We see you, Pukey, we see you. Assuredly we’ll be leaving before your Cheap Trick cover band, “The Flames” hits the stage at 4:30, so thankfully we don’t have to hear you too.

9:03 pm May, 31 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Pumpin’ Head and Mary belong in the Guggenheim category, that photo is a strong nod to a win in that artistic endeavour.
But Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn definitely get my win-win vote. He manages to pull so many douche stunts in just one shot, how can he NOT be the awfullest douche of the lot?
head band partly hidden under silly, crooked cap
indoor shades
pierced lower lip
stick-out tongue
dog-tags
ripped out vee tee-shirt collar
juvie print design on shirt
jeans jacket with sleeves ripped off and material used as wristband
slim silver bangle bracelet
fuck-you finger pointing at fluff-you creamball
skull and crossbones badge
dumb shirt pins
iced-red-liquored punch resting on her tit
AND…she with the hither-come-to look and thrown back arm and shoulder with her slither blond hair is NOT impressed.

10:44 pm May, 31 Finbar J. Geherty said...

An easy win for PP Head, casting the illusion of a large body when it’s really his head that’s been shrunk by the ‘roids. Yes, both of them. Hail Mary, mother of scrode, blessed are thou womb, which leads us into temptation. Amen.

1:14 am June, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Pukie Bowie and Hott Jenn have this one wrapped up. Pukie’s moronically self obsessed yellow tongued sneer is only matched by Jenn’s one-gin-and-juice-too-many-come-hither-sultry-shoulder-nuzzle-pursed-lipped gaze. She would gently lay her weary brow on your chest and complain about how much of a jerk her boyfriend is and she really needs to start dating nice guys who just enjoy listening to her.
.
And so you listen. Until she passes out with her face on the folding chair beside you, panties wet with her own urine and the semen of three other dudes.

But the next day she remembers nothing. Just another morning of Vicodin and Plan B for breakfast. And the next time she talks to you, she gets your name wrong and assumes you both met when you were a TA in one of the classes she didn’t pass. But you still nod affirmatively and half seriously consider changing your name to something she’ll remember.
.
Deep down, Buzzy knows he lost this round. And so in a last ditch effort to sway the voters’ minds, he threatens to punch Marissa in the tit.

11:27 am June, 1 idfma said...

Peter and the woman with rock-hard breasts. Do you think he’s jelly that her breasts are harder than his pecs?

2:09 pm June, 1 douche equis said...

Buzzy and Marissa. C’mon, Peter has one douche signifier — muscles — and that one is pretty weak when taken by itself. (Unless you count the facial fung, but that is ubiquitous in both the douche and non-douche these days). Pukey is at least a bit douchey, and Marissa is hotter than “Hott” Jenn, if you’re asking me. Bert and that other guy are out on principle, leaving the douchiest douche, Buzzy, and his nice looking hott, to take the honors.

5:28 pm June, 1 One for the Choad said...

WOW, bar none the toughest competition of the year so far. Hott Jenn and Marissa are scrumtrulescent, and Bin Laden is, well, a turd, but I have to give my vote to the ridiculous Michelin Man sorry-ass excuse for a human being that is Peter Pump’inhead and Mary the Big Boobed Lady.

Do we have any shots of Marissa without sunglasses? If so, please share.

5:31 pm June, 1 Douche Assassin said...

Pumpinhead takes this Monthly by the tip of his headhunter-sized noggin. What the hell is that. Is that a gorilla, a robot or a douche… and his “girl” isnt much better. Oh, the humanity!!!

Bin Laden would have shot himself in the face if he had witnessed the pump.

Pump couple ftw.

5:43 pm June, 1 Sir David Douchenborough said...

In the vast natural world, many organisms can survive by simply mimicry or a form of deception, which reduces predation on them. Such strategies are very costly, and thus, trade-offs would necessitate a reduction in other traits. Conversely, allocating much resources to simple defenses can be advantageous as well but the trade-off caveat therein. The challenge is that deceptive individuals must continue to allocate because their success is more in mate choice and actual survival.
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With us humans, it is far easier to spot the mimicry and deception acting as placeholders for achievement and advantageous qualities. So what does this have to do with the monthly? Well, that is what pushes Pukey far ahead than our Inflatable Beached Whale whose ignorance of lower body development (as far as I can tell) will have people wondering if he had legs transplanted from Kate Moss.
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You see, Hindenmoobs Hank may be rapt in the ” I am better because I am big, and I am big because I am better” merry-go-round of mind-numbing existential logical fallacies we see manifested here (hi Zyzz’s fellatio army!), but at least if you ask him to help you move, you know you will be getting some pretty decent assistance despite putting up with him trying to pose with the full length mirror being carried out the door and all the “bro” talk. Synthol Sam would probably just show up in regular clothing, though with a mysteriously minimalist tank top.
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However, Pukey here, would show up in his most grotesque regalia, seemingly attempting to look hardened and working class when in actuality, he probably had to take out another line of credit just to purchase all his douchessories. In addition, between talking about his super special awesome ‘indie rock band,” he would probably go on and on about how his yoga and hardcore BMXing keep him pretty fit, yet curiously, he becomes seriously winded after you asked him to move your potted cyclamens across the room.
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And that this high indicator of douchebaggery, Pukey wins this because the chasm between his douche persona and what he actually embodies is Grand-Canyon-like. Since he cannot demonstrate any feat of strength and become of “bro,” he must employ a barrage of douche tactics to even get a foot into this shallow scrote pool. Put Roidy Randy next to Pukey, and Pukey will crash faster than George Michael on the Autobahn. I would resurrect Ronnie James Dio to silence any feral caterwauling that would come Pukey’s “hardcore vocals.”

7:45 pm June, 1 Douche Springsteen said...

Pumpinhead and Mary are the obvious choice but they really aren’t hurting anyone. Other than our eyeballs, but that’s our choice. The Path of Mock was chosen by us, friends. Anyway I’m casting my vote for Buzzy & Marissa because while Pumpinhead’s only adouchrement is a ragin’ ‘roid habit, Buzzy is spiking the hair, wearing big shades and spending some serious time under the needle to look “cool”. And Marissa, oh how I long to make mix CDs consisting of Leonard Cohen’s “Suzanne” looped for 80 minutes and lick Nutella from your bellybutton. Bonus points – check out the pear next to Marissa’s left elbow! Extra bonus points – Marissa backwards spells ass I ram.
I’m fucking drunk.
Son.

7:49 pm June, 1 Douche Springsteen said...

upon further review the ass pear is next to Marissa’s right elbow.
Told you I was drunk.

8:27 pm June, 1 creature said...

he’s douchey & you know who he is… He’s the Humungus of douche…Pumpkin Head

8:49 pm June, 1 Wheezer said...

Give it to Buzzy and Marissa – he’s an overly entitled, smug little pudwank, and she’s a sweet, girl-next-door type who shouldn’t be within 10 miles of his douchosity.
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The rest are too cartoonish, though I don’t see anyone here who could make a run at a Yearly.

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