Friday, May 27, 2011

PETER PUMPIN’HEAD AND MARY MAMMAGEDDON SAY: HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

Peter Pumpin’Head and the little Missus want to wish you all a happy Memorial Day weekend, since Baron Von Goolo failed to make mention of it in his FT&L  (The Baron is a transplant from the Old Country, after all, and is still catching up to our quaint New World customs).**

It is fitting that these two take us into the Memorial Day festivities, because just as the rituals and celebrations of the holiday remind us of why we as a nation must fight, these two self-tan-slathered raging ids remind us of why we ‘baghunters fight.

Look at them.

LOOK AT THEM.


I mean look at him and her, you perverts.

Self-worshiping peacockery pushed to a  hyperbolic extreme, both in taste, hue and physics.

The cost for freedom isn’t free; it’s a buck o’ five.

But throughout the ages, attention sponges such as these have gladly suffered mutilation in order to achieve the rest of society’s assumed collective envy and admiration, and that cost is even more than a buck o’ five. It is higher; much higher.  Much much higher.  But not as high as the cost of bottle service at the Rehab poolside cabanas.

**EDIT – OK, Baron did mention Memorial Day.  I just wanted an excuse to run this picture before my time’s up.  Damn you and your crafty ways, Medusa… -D.S.

# posted by Bagnonymous
3:23 pm May, 27 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Together, they almost look cute. And mostly human.
.
I said almost and mostly, dammit.

3:55 pm May, 27 Vin Douchal said...

Higher than this?
.

3:56 pm May, 27 Vin Douchal said...

Or this?
.

3:58 pm May, 27 Vin Douchal said...

Or even this?
.

.
You’d have to be high to do that ^

4:09 pm May, 27 idfma said...

It’s too bad we can’t see Mary’s mamms. Sigh.
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Dark, since I ruin everything, I might as well here too–Peter is Veg Armstrong: http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/06/veg-armstrong
.
In spite of ruining everything you are doing a great job.

4:10 pm May, 27 idfma said...

I mean in spite of YOU saying I ruin everything–I started drinking already…not like I make sense sober. Sigh

4:15 pm May, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

Happy Mammorial Day everyone! Make it a mammorable one.

4:28 pm May, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Somewhere ‘neath the ocean a new axis of superevil is forming. The original Godzilla, Chtulu, and The Krakken are joining forces in what they see as a challenge to their domain and their domain only. No one, NO ONE idly comes into the worlds oceans and lays down the gauntlet like these two clearly are doing now…
.
At first, it feels like a small tremor. “Maybe Peter ripped one. He has been eating a lot of head cheese lately” thinks Mary. A few peaceful moments pass until a slightly stronger tremor occurs. Shared glances by the other beach-goers indicate that it is time to leave but Mary and Peter continue to soak up the remaining sun’s rays lost in their own narcissism. Families scramble for the safety of their cars and shops on the boardwalk are hastily closed yet Peter and Mary remain in repose in their trance-like states almost seemingly waiting…
.
The bubbles started popping on the ocean’s surface slowly, one by one. The rate began to increase until a ever-expanding water spout formed. The remaining on-lookers couldn’t believe their eyes as Mary and Peter appeared to seem undaunted. In fact, it seemed as though they were waiting, like they were trapped at the DMV trying to get a new license photo, for the appropriate time to bother acknowledge what was taking place. The ocean appeared to be a bubbling cauldron as another and yet another water spout formed. Water was now being shot higher and higher into the air and yet they still didn’t move…
.
It was only when all three heads broke the surface did Peter give the most subtle of nods to Mary. The pair calmly stood up, brushed the sand off of themselves, and approached the water’s edge. Peter moved slightly in front of Mary in what appeared to be a sort of protective gesture. Hands on his hips, he calmly waited for the three to arrive…
.
Godzilla, Chtulua, and The Krakken unleashed a furious wall of sound at the pair but did not attack. How could this be? Were not these three sent to attack these abominations to humanity? What exactly was going on here? It was Peter that provided the answer. “Mom, dad, Nana, I’m glad you found the place. You didn’t have any trouble with the directions? This is Mary.” Mary gave a slight bow at the mention of her name. Peter continued, “I brought you all here to let you know that I asked her to marry me and she accepted.” More tremors and ungodly wailing followed. “The like you”, Peter told Mary but they want to know if you can provide heirs. MANY heirs for the alliance. Mary smiled an impish smile and then replied “Of course I can, we already have one on the way…”
.
So as you head off to you Memorial Day celebrations realize that the fight will never be over. For somewhere out there future spawn await our collective mock.

4:37 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

Yeah, idfma; heard ya the first time. A rose is a rose…

4:38 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

He’d look more proportional if he’d stick his head in a hornet’s nest from time to time.

4:54 pm May, 27 Wheezer said...

Lip plates will be 2015’s answer to the Jebus bling of 2008.
.
Book it.

5:33 pm May, 27 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Okay, I’m lookin’ at them and thinkin’, “Hey, just look what the tide brought in.”
Crabs.

5:48 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

They have more bulk than Sam’s Club.

5:49 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

They have more mass than the Pope on Easter.

5:49 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

Their busts are bigger than Lehman Brothers.

6:19 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Higher than this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siQ7C4wjehs

7:21 pm May, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

I don’t wanna be a total cunt, but the good Baron did indeed mention Memorial day in his FTAL. I hear he dressed the little girl corpses in his basement like soldiers for the occasion.

7:35 pm May, 27 Hermit said...

When our brave and selfless soldiers died face down in knee deep water on the bloody beaches of Omaha, and the Pacific Islands I don’t think this is what they had in mind.
Now the toxic tide brings in a bloated steroidal abomination and a split-tailed mermaid with twin frontal displays of loathsome extravagance. Garish mutations, left unchecked and reduced to buffoonery. Products of media driven cultural perversion taken to it’s unnatural and iniquitous conclusion.
Skulls bashed against the rocky shorelines or clubbed in brutal, ritualistic decimation. The beached warships and sea elephants, landlocked and lacerated by sharp cheddar cheese and cutting criticism.
The broken weather vane swings uselessly in the slackening wind, causing the traffic lights to send mixed signals, the blood vessels and grids are corrupted, the fragile systems are all failing.

7:38 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

@ Medusa:
.
Indeed.
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@ Hermit:
.
Hell yes…give ’em a taste of the other white meat.

7:44 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Higher than this Vin? http:www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOIlfV-XtBg.

7:46 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fucking forward slashes. Go Bruins! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOIlfV-XtBg

7:48 pm May, 27 idfma said...

Awww, don’t be bitter, DS, I tried to mitigate with a compliment. You’re the best.
.
My bad, baby. From now on, I’ll stay out of it. It’s just my memory has been failing me in every other aspect of my life–all that sticks with me are the douches–basically my brain is a lint filter, and I picked Veg out of it earlier in the week. Didn’t mean to flog you with the wet noodle of my sanity and lucidity before I go full on altzhiemer’s. See? I think I spelled that wrong.
.
Have a great weekend, and, while the boss being back will be a comforting and welcome return to normalcy–I would like to thank all of the regs for their solid, funny work. This site is often the best part of my day.
.
Back to drinking.

7:50 pm May, 27 idfma said...

By the way, the man in the leotard? Yes, well, his penis appears to be growing out of his belly button.

7:56 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Leotard guys package is so big he gets hot chicks pregnant by the gross.

8:04 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I gotta get stoned. Son. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHJx9PcDmAc

1:00 am May, 28 gordfurth said...

He is obviously an alien refugee from the planet Cryptorchia.

2:11 am May, 28 Collaz B. Popped said...

Again, Bruce Lee, Dave Mustaine or John Frusciante would kill this guy in a fistfight.
Guys like this are the biggest pussies out there.

7:09 am May, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This is a rare photo indeed, catching douchebag and bleeth in the midst of performing the “Archimedes Screw” in public. The mating ritual of this species utilizes this position because, as we all know, any floating object displaces its own weight of fluid, especially poo. Which is why this kind of machine is used in sewage treatment facilities, as they can move a variety of rates of flow, as well as suspended solids. And these two are certainly suspended solids.

7:52 am May, 28 DarkSock said...

I wasn’t intending to harsh on you, 5-letter-person-known-as-idfma; it was a Wheezer-esque level catch. I’ll leave it to The Boss to decide which handle to use.
.
More importantly, it builds a body of work for this meat blimp and his twin-chest-ottoman’d woman to use to make a run at the monthly…mayhaps, even…the Yearly???

8:32 am May, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

Note to self and everyone else: RE leotard guy….Don’t correct DarkSock. He will make you very sorry. I have to go change my clothes now. I don’t think that kind of anal leakage will ever come out of my pajamas.
.
I’m thinking this photo is actually of a manatee and a carp that have been affected by the Japanese radiation…?

11:00 am May, 28 idfma said...

Hmm…what wout the yearly category be? They remind me of the winners a year or two ago–Smoot wasn’t it? This guy is like–like Smoot on fucking steriods. hahahahaha.
.
Most Alpha Couple?
.
Most HGH and Silicon in the Hottie/Douchie coupling?
.
Most cartoonish couple?
.
Breasts most likely to deflect a bullet?

11:01 am May, 28 idfma said...

Most disproportional head and hair most resembling a bale of hay.

11:01 am May, 28 idfma said...

What WOULD the yearly be…sheesh.

11:02 am May, 28 idfma said...

Largest Arms. Smallest Penis.
.
Largest Breasts. Smallest Penis–that’s better.

11:02 am May, 28 idfma said...

Hardest breasts. Softest Penis.

11:03 am May, 28 idfma said...

Dumbest Look at the worst location.

11:05 am May, 28 idfma said...

Look: the portfolio picture paid off for him–here he is on television:

1:51 pm May, 28 Collaz B. Popped said...

The Bleethe – Douche couple factor here is staggering.

3:12 pm May, 28 Stephanie said...

Giant body, dumb head. What good are those muscles when you look like a retard. This looks like a cover of a romance novel.

4:06 pm May, 28 Hermit said...

^ Yes, Stephanie, I think I read that one.
.
.

Mary spends her days as a tough, no-nonsense police investigator on the sultry, dangerous streets of Miami. Her life is full of action- packed suspense, brushes with underworld drug dealers and gun battles with Hispanic gang bangers. She thrives on this high adrenaline lifestyle but never seems to find the one thing she’s lacking; true love.
After months of intense investigation, she cracks her biggest case and busts a ring of exotic spider monkey smugglers. Satisfied, but mentally drained, she’s walking along South Beach and finds a helpless beached manatee, slow and dimwitted, but in obvious pain, the bloody cuts from multiple boat propellers are evident on his scarred back.
Though she knows her parents will never approve, she takes one look into his pleading eyes and is smitten, falling madly in love, the consequences be damned.

11:31 pm May, 28 schlicht bindenburger said...

you sick fuckers… i raise my glass in a toast. ‘ they can eat the walnuts from my morning soft serve’.

6:00 pm May, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit 4:06p, “M is for Manatee”? Or “Dial M for Manatee”?

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