Friday, July 22, 2011

Are Tatts Inherently Douchey? The Debate Continues

Fired up by Wednesday’s discussion of whether sleeve tatts are autodouche, an exellent Talmudic debate engaging higher scrotological metaphysical considerations, I thought I’d post Andy and Andrea.

Andrea, of course, is standard issue midwest hard-ass and slightly terrifying wafer milf. An annoying accent and probably terrible in bed, but of the ladies who participate in the Church of the Slutty Mary’s annual bakesale, she’s the way hottest of the bunch.

But Andy?

Andy’s not so much a douche at all. Except for some undies poke, which may be incidental, he really doesn’t deserve mock. That being said, tribal shoulder tatt does equal douche. So is Andy a ‘bag?

Of the pics that I post on HCwDB, I reject dozens a day, and many of them are average bro/shmoes like Andy. So I’m still forced to conclude that most tatts, with the exception of annoying tribal inscriptions and Mayan and Chinese lettering and symbols on people who are neither Mayan nor Chinese (Mayan Eye of Coitus exempted), are not, in and of themselves auto-‘bag markers.

But, as with pigeons and poo, tatts are far more likely to be found hanging in the area of major scrotological behaviors.

So lets mark tatts as warning signs. They might not mark douche on their own. But they’re a likely entrance drug to a larger choadal world.

With a significant caveat: There is a growing catalog of tatts that do, in fact, mark autodouche simply based on the garishness and stupidity of their existence.

# posted by douchebag1
9:37 am July, 22 Anonymous said...

Why is it that so many of the girls in these photos have some very mannish features? They can’t all be trannies and steroid junkies, can they?

9:38 am July, 22 Anonymous said...

And that goes for the chick on the right, too.

9:38 am July, 22 Wedgie said...

I guess I’m anonymous and gravatarless today.

9:41 am July, 22 DarkSock said...

In the immortal words of BCS: “I’d fuck ’em both”.

9:42 am July, 22 DarkSock said...

I’m-a say notta douche; just a dude with a tatt. And her…you do NOT climb off until she SAYS you can climb off.

9:44 am July, 22 DarkSock said...

And for the rest of the country pissin’ and moanin’ about 98 degrees, 100% humidity…down h’yar in Biloxi we have a word for this sort of weather phenomenon. It’s called…”Spring”.
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Now go fan your woosy asses on your fainting couches.
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Pantywaists.

9:47 am July, 22 Vin Douchal said...

There are some shitty tatts (really shitty):
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Semi-cool tatts, depending on the person:
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And then there is the unquestionably awesome tatt:
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So what we have here is douchebag is as douchebag does

9:49 am July, 22 Bflak said...

tat+earring+proximity to bleeth+standing at dock in marina=douche.

9:51 am July, 22 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Nothing says “I am expressing my individuality, my creativity, and uniqueness” quite like walking into one of the 10,000 tattoo shops downtown, choosing design #31417 from the book on the counter, and having an Air Conditioning & Heating school dropout inject your skin with ink and hepatitis C.

9:53 am July, 22 soy bomb said...

Easy “douche” call. The kinds of people who get trendy, follow-the-leader, played-out tats such as the ones above are douche losers to the core. F*ck you, buddy.

10:01 am July, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That’s Dr. Phil’s son, Cock, with his girlfriend Roxella Van Impe.
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You wait until you go from -20 to 100 Dark Sock. We got winter, adjusting season, summer, and wood choppin foosball season. Some of us have extra sets of lungs and blood pressure which allow us to adapt quicker.
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What should happen to these two is what happened to this girl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9hYA_8-fFg&feature=related
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Waterboys

10:05 am July, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

This picture would’ve been way cool and shit iif an out of control speed boat piloted by an ambien fueled pilot festooned in black face had sped by causing a massive splash of water to douse these 2 standing on the dock.
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Scurvy Knaves

10:11 am July, 22 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

I was just pondering whether Andrea would drown if she was pushed into the water. She’s wearing about 10 lbs. of tacky bling but the buoyancy from those bolt on titties may keep her afloat.

10:36 am July, 22 DarkSock said...

Nope, RevChad; fuck a bunch of living anywhere where water freezes more than twice a year. I am a frost woose.
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There, I admitted it.
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Long Johns.
arh

10:43 am July, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I was about to go double notta (notta douche / notta chick)… when I noticed he is trying to subtly flexi his arm. Either that, or the clenched fist and abnormally short forearm is from a freak boating accident.
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Regardless, a totally blah, vanilla pic for Friday afternoon.

10:48 am July, 22 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Tattoos are the mullets of the early 21st Century.
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.In another ten years, when all of these db’s and the stupid women who go for them grow up, we’ll witness the moaning and groaning of an entire generation of fools who can’t escape the stains and scars that remind them, and everyone who decides not to employ them (once they’ve lost their “hotness” as people invariably do – yours truly excepted) for their utter lack of brains and personal integrity.
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.Mutilating your body as an act of “individuality” is about the dumbest thing anyone ever thought of (unless you’re a Maori tribesman), and about the most pathetic.
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.When these jokers become aware of this fact, they will no longer be worthy of scorn or mock. Simple, silent contempt will be enough.
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I’m betting it will be the biggest “I told you so” since the repeal of Prohibition…..
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..
.So to answer the question: Tatts do not equal autodouche. They simply signify stupidity.
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.Zeus hath spoken.

10:50 am July, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I knew I’d seen this chick before:
http://www.findmybrick.com/images/P1180422.JPG

10:53 am July, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

We must be ever vigilant. The following passage is both terrifying and inexcusable, even if it was penned by our boss.

“Andy’s not so much a douche at all. Except for some undies poke, which may be incidental, he really doesn’t deserve mock. That being said, tribal shoulder tatt does equal douche. So is Andy a ‘bag?”

Tatt, undies poke, bling, hair do, pose forearm flex to pump up his anemic arm, etc. all point to total douche. WTF is going on here?!?

Average bro/schmoes like Andy are as much as a blight on the landscape as the Fish Slaps, Mammy Miami’s, Donkey Douche’s et al. As mentioned in other threads, being a mediocre douche can be as big of a mockable offence as being a prime douche. Has the heat gotten to you?

11:02 am July, 22 Al Paccah said...

Tats are one thing….TRIBAL TATS are completely different. AUTO DOUCHE!!! What white guy is from a “tribe”? They do this to come across as some type of “warrior” and bad ass, when in reality, the guy probably works at a Jiffy Lube. Its a bunch of curly, thick black lines on him and he thinks its “art”. Its crap. Barbedwire or Tribal Tats do not pass go and immediately collect mock.

11:10 am July, 22 Anonymous said...

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/145-monkeytattoo.jpg

11:52 am July, 22 ehcuodouche said...

I’d have to say the tatt doesn’t do it, but the Bleeth pose certainly does. That and the fact that he’s wearing pants this close to the water means either that a), he has matchstick legs and he wants you to focus on the upper body strength (plus tatt), or b), he took off his shirt intentionally for this picture to show off his delts and abs.

Really, if you’ve developed your muscles, that’s good for you, but you have no reason to show them off unless the situation demands it (i.e. swimming away from a shark). If you go out of your way to do so, it’s douche behavior.

And besides, it will probably make her cream if you’ve hidden this from her and the first time she sees your chest is when you take off your shirt in the bedroom. Jaws was scarier because you didn’t see it. If you parade it for all to see, you’re going to end up with a Bleeth cause that’s what they look for. Quoth Snooki: “I only like big greasy Jersey guidos”.

So even though it’s not offensive, its still douche.

11:54 am July, 22 Douchie Arnaz said...

All tattoos are stupid. All tattoos are stupid. All tattoos are stupid. They look ridiculous, they’re faux hard-ass or me-too signifiers, etc, etc. Even if you can think of a tatt that might be cool in the abstract, I bet you’ve never found one on a living human being that didn’t either 1) bring the dude down in your estimation or 2) simply illuminate the fact the dude is a brainless douchewipe.

To paraphrase the Hitch “tatts ruin everything.” I agree with Choad above: tatts are the mullets of the 21st century.

12:03 pm July, 22 DarkSock said...

But…I like mullets…

12:09 pm July, 22 The Barbecue Walrus said...

Yes, but are tits inherently booby?

12:30 pm July, 22 idfma said...

I have nothing to add on the tatt conversation. I said all I can in the last thread.
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As to whether this is a ‘normal’ guy–he may not have a lot of douche signifiers (enough for me, though), but his facial expression says, ‘I am an enourmous dickhead, and I like to fight when I get drunk.’

1:46 pm July, 22 tall guy said...

He’s douche she’s bleeth. Next!

2:13 pm July, 22 Dip said...

Yeah the hermaphrodite on the right has a psychotic look about the eyes.

2:16 pm July, 22 Dee plane, dee plane! said...

I think Choad the Douche Sprocket @10:48a summed it up quite nicely. And now I’m off to get a unicorn fucking a dolphin tatted on my boob.

2:44 pm July, 22 Stephanie said...

I’d push them both into the water. They’re gross,they look like Mr & Mrs fake America posing. Tribal=autodouche,they only tribe he belongs to white bread white guy. And she doesn’t know, less is more with the bling. Military tats are another thing altogether-that’s a real brotherhood of another kind. I just don’t get why a white suburban guy feels that tribal tattoos are meaningful to him,other than chick magnet. Or it’s “cool looking”. Lame attempts at fitting in.

4:13 pm July, 22 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

@dee plane, dee plane: thanks for the shout out….and please send pictures.

9:36 am July, 23 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Perfect example of tatts = douche.
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http://www.nypost.com/p/lifestyle/food/rockaway_getaway_iJaybQ3dtGk3sgQpIMaWLL?photo_num=7

12:29 pm July, 23 creature said...

Jo-Bro looks as if he’s about to cram his thumb up Candace’s yeast incubator….pull out a plum, Jo-Bro

1:01 pm July, 24 Steve L. said...

meh. tatt looks douchey.
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it’s more important to note that Andrea is probably terrible in bed. what injustice!

2:34 pm July, 24 douche equis said...

Of course he’s a douche, and yes, that kind of tattoo is autodouche. Not being at the Smoot level does not make you not a douche, he said, performing the rare triple negative. As others have said, how many signfiers do you need? undiepokeearringblinghairgeltribaltattohplease

As to the arm flex, I thought Andy was just grabbing “Andrea”‘s cock to keep it out of shot.

5:29 pm July, 24 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Tatts are so douche that I’m just waitin’ for the manufacturers of real douchebags to come out with an Ed Hardy design on that rubbery waterbottle and snakeskin decor on the hose and nozzle.

5:31 pm July, 24 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

But then I am also reminded that douchebags double as enemabags.

Now, that raises a whole new question-realm of possibilities: gay douchebags, AKA enemabags.

6:55 am July, 25 Hurl Scheibe said...

I’m afraid that s/he’d snap my cock off if I titty fucked her.

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