Thursday, November 3, 2011

Breaking: The Kleenexer Turns Into a Rotting Pumpkin

Toronto’s infamous source of Canadian Douche Plague, The Kleenex Mafia, has gone from pale white douchebag hitting on A-List Canadian Hotts to this aging, rotting orange corpse of pumpkin.

Woe Canada.

Woe Canada, indeed.

# posted by douchebag1
2:29 pm November, 3 Wheezer said...

Speaking of Canada, woe is Rev. Chad…..?

2:35 pm November, 3 creature said...

do tanning bed UV rays contain Greico virus?
…all outward evidence suggest they do

2:36 pm November, 3 behind the trigger said...

let me guess DB1. you also think Daniel Tosh ripped off your ideas?

2:49 pm November, 3 Leery said...

Mr. Kleenex also looks like he spent some of his time at hair club for men; maybe he got 70 hours of cheeto-coloured body spraying as a bonus for paying up front.

2:54 pm November, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

These guys again? Looks like the one douche got a hairpiece. Does he own like a strip club or something? I really don’t pay much attention to anything Canadian. From what I’ve learned here only sadness and back bacon are its main exports.

3:03 pm November, 3 Stephanie said...

This guy looks worse and worse in every photo. Apparently money will buy you even more sickness,and smiling chicks who could care less.

3:08 pm November, 3 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The transformation…It has started.

3:17 pm November, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Detroit rising against Nickleback. That is fuccking funny because they bite cock. Matt Stafford wants to see these guys from Canada instead. Lead singer is Grampa Kleenex. They rock 80’s style.
.

.
Nancy Dreuche fuck off. We are in the process of building the northern connection for the Keystone pipeline so we can sell you our fuel at prices lower than terrorist rates. Get your fucking hippie actors to shut the fuck up and build the pipeline already. I have single handedly kept SoCal Skateshop weather the terrible times you are having. Straighten up and get your country going again.
.
Regards,
.
Your hat.

3:23 pm November, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

When Nancy Dreuche smiles the Dow drops. Kind of like when Obama gives a speech.

3:36 pm November, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Rev Chad, touche’. Its nice to see you’ve still got a bit of competitiveness left in that old arthritic diabetic body of yours.
.
PS RUSH still sucks ballz.

4:15 pm November, 3 Jacques Doucheteau said...

To girl with transparent sternum: Eat a gawdamn sammich.

4:21 pm November, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Tranny Alert! Tranny Alert!

4:22 pm November, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The Kleenexer > Tebow

4:27 pm November, 3 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Not everything that comes from Canada is all bad. Some of it is downright horrific.

4:37 pm November, 3 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Asian chicks are still hot, under any circumstances.

4:48 pm November, 3 Colossus of Choads said...

Aah the Kleenexer…
Surely one of those most heinous slugs to ever ooze across a dancefloor.

A true stalwart.

5:29 pm November, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Jacques 4:37p, that’s why I drive a Mazda. These people know their shit and barf. Really, throwing up on eachother is hot? If I had known that three chilli dogs earlier I might have gotten some play on my last date. C’Mon you guys I’m trying to get laid here, what else are you idiots into?

5:53 pm November, 3 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

You are a sick man, Jacques. I’m impressed.
.
Did the Kleenexer steal that hair from Hermey the effeminate elf who wanted to be a dentist?

6:00 pm November, 3 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Ah, Toronto… Where they have their own brand of compulsory service. Except instead of the Swiss Army, every girl between the ages of 17 and 20 must work at least 6 months at a strip club.

6:41 pm November, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

Speaking of famous Canadians, I wonder what my super crush Sir David Douchenborough is up to these days?

6:46 pm November, 3 Nostradouchus said...

That’s not a forehead; that’s a fivehead.

7:35 pm November, 3 idfma said...

What is the Kleenex Mafia anyway? How does that sound cool, badass or otherwise desireable? To me it sounds like the ‘Masturbate Constantly Mafia’ or the ‘We Jack Off So Much People Call Us the Kleenex Mafia’. Nothing cool about it. Someone needs to tell the girls posing with him.

8:17 pm November, 3 DarkSock said...

This Kleenex douche lives while GWAR guitarist Flattus Maximus has fallen?
.
No Justice No Peace. R.I.P., Flattus.
athht

8:44 pm November, 3 Medusa Oblongata said...

RIP Flattus. Got a chance to see them (sober this time) this spring. I’ll actually remember this show and I’m sad to think there might not be any more. Can’t we trade Pumpkin Kleenex and get Cory back?

8:49 pm November, 3 Medusa Oblongata said...

That chick in the middle gives me the fuccen creeps. Like a Barbie got raped by a goat.

9:27 pm November, 3 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I’m always struck with a twisted sense of irony each time a heavy metal musician dies before their time, because therein lies the major conversational theme within the genre: death premature. And with that, a growing conundrum is arising withing the metal community as the individuals age and approach their own inevitable end.
.
For youths, death is curiosity, ethereal even when it strikes close to home. This was perfectly demonstrated by the Norwegian black metal movement of the ’90s, and culminated in the cover of Mayhem’s album Dawn of the Black Hearts, which features a photo of their lead singer, Death, shortly after his violent suicide. Many of the original pioneers of the movement died from suicide, overdose, or even murdered by their friends.
.
Though once the self-reflective pace of adulthood sets in, death is realized as an unavoidable end, and each parting soul around us reminds us more loudly than the previous of our own mortality. It is no longer an aberration within life as the young mind views it, but takes on its true significance as inseparable from life and thereby a more personal meaning.
.
It’s one reason (hehe, “One”) why Metallica started sucking after Cliff died. Though they continued to write songs about war, mortality, and whatnot, it became suddenly detached. After all, how could they put any real heart and soul into the subject if it suddenly began to affect them differently? Crying about your dead buddy/mother/idol and getting all self-reflective about your own mortality doesn’t fit in with the machismo, morbid-fascination-with-death stereotype of heavy metal music, and doesn’t sell records to the youths who clamor for that image. And so the rest of the band separated their own feelings from their music, and the songs lost their soul.
.
Gwar will have tough times ahead reconciling their image (livelihood), which is dependent on a sarcastic relationship with death, and their own personal feelings and experiences. It helps that they are, and always have been, a satire band.

10:10 pm November, 3 Whoop-di-douche said...

I thought XENU was our Canadian douchebag par excellence.

10:23 pm November, 3 soy bomb said...

Doucheywallnuts: I was at that thread, brah.
HCWDB > ESPN

11:37 pm November, 3 Douche Springsteen said...

I dunno, I think it’s kind of cool that he has Major Arnold Toht’s face melting off at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark tattooed on his pec. I like that movie, too.
.
When I heard that Nickelback was invading my fair city, I bought a plane ticket to Denver to see my brother for the holiday. The Occupy Detroit encampment is right across the street from where the Lions play, maybe they will march those Canadabags back to the other side of the river.
.
And R.I.P. Flattus, I just saw GWAR last Saturday here in Detroit, so sad that he is gone.

12:19 am November, 4 ehcuodouche said...

@Jacques D

No they are not hot while barfing, nor is making me throw up looking at that. Maybe if they were naked and barfing on Nickelback it would be okay.

12:29 am November, 4 Jacques Doucheteau said...

^Speak for yourself. I can’t get much beyond flaccid unless two naked Asian chicks are barfing on each other while I’m listening to Nickelback.

12:29 am November, 4 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Fact.

12:41 am November, 4 tall guy said...

Hey Dreuche, I also drive a Mazda. Drive a Ford as well. Chalk’n’cheese by comparison. Ford’s my business car. ’94 vintage, unstoppable, though inefficient on fuel (thank God for tax deductions). Mazda’s a MX5. Ragtop, 89 vintage, concourse condition. Equally thirsty, though cheaper to fill up. Real drivers car. Stiff suspension, low, 5-slot, hard steering. Ford’s opposite to it in all those ways. Just get in point it and put your foot down. I like driving.

12:44 am November, 4 tall guy said...

Also find middle bleeth adversely creepy. And I second the tranny call.

1:09 am November, 4 Steve L. said...

whoa the Kleenex suddenly want their hair back now? implanting them is lame, yo.

1:10 am November, 4 Steve L. said...

middle management side brush hairstyles are lame too, but that goes without saying.

2:26 am November, 4 tall guy said...

Yo Kroeger! What’s all this anti-Canada sentiment, bro? I have a cousin and an aunty living there. There safe, aren’t they? I’d hook you up (with the aunty – who’s a stunner), but you’re a married man and she’s a divorcee. Anyway, viva Canada!

8:32 am November, 4 Hurl Scheibe said...

Sad news about GWAR.

8:51 am November, 4 soy bomb said...

I honestly thought that he was wearing a baseball hat at first blush.

9:07 am November, 4 Doucheywallnuts said...

@soybomb, glad to see you get around.
.
@douche Cousteau puke sex made me puke.

10:59 am November, 4 DarkSock said...

Fuck GWAR, nobody rocks harder than WINGER

8:47 pm November, 9 Sir David Douchenborough said...

I come back from my inadvertent exile to this guy again? Jeebus, I actually ventured into that Broalstrom when I had to aid my relative in some house repairs (in Toronto, some houses were built like the Tower of Piza, dontcha know). Anyway, I am firmly convinced that Kleenex here is actually the city’s mayor’s long lost brother he doesn’t acknowledge, or maybe, Kleenex here has been trying to hype up his acting career as the former A/V Club Nerd #5 from Degrassi. Of course, that might be able to get him a few contacts with desperate homemakers dining at Wayne Gretzky’s.

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