Saturday, December 17, 2011

Comment of the Year Co-Winners: Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau


The great and encyclopediac Wheezer hands out the 2011 Douchie Award, as we continue on our second awards weekend:

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I started reading and commenting on this wonderful site back around April of 2008. What drew me to it was the recommendation of a friend, but what set HCwDB apart from cheap copycat sites (such as Three Ring Blogs’ followups “D-Bag Planet” and “D-Bagging,” not to mention “The Dirty”) was the commentary I found here.

I noticed that the Boss and I had a few similar thoughts about what passes as “culture” these days, even as the wit and wisdom exhibited by him and the regulars of the time was rather intimidating. “How can I contribute to this?” I often asked myself.

Over that time, some former regulars have apparently left for other pastures (or were kicked out of the house by their hott wives), while new regs have set up camp and are carrying that old torch just fine, thank you. And I still feel somewhat intimidated by the intellectual verve on display here daily. I may have spent less time here lately than in my earlier days, but the mock is still Grade-A and always will be. This is why I keep browsing this site on a daily basis: I never fail to laugh at the hijinks of the commenters… never mind drooling over the boobies. But I undress —– errrrr, I mean “digress”…..

So when the Boss decreed that I should give out the Douchie Award for Comment of the Year™, I was flabbergasted. It was just an innocent question I posed in a Saturday thread, after all, but it struck me that I’d have to go beyond seventeen syllables and see what I could do to reward greatness I’m not sure I can match. It feels like telling the 1988-ish version of Michael Jordan how to improve his dunks.

With no previous award format to review, I decided to look over the Comment of the Week™ winners and create some brackets, pitting them against each other much like how we do Monthly voting, and then go from there. And contrary to your thoughts, no, there were no “RevChad” and “Hermit” brackets. Maybe next year…

So without further ado (and since your bosses are tapping their feet behind you), I give you the Comment of the Year™:

Co-winners:
Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau

Runners-up:

Hermit, Tall Guy, Medusa Oblongata, and The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Honorable Mention:

Medusa Oblongata and Douche Wayne

Special mentions for witty brevity go to: Anonymous, Ich verstehe sie ist heiß, Doucheywallnuts (for naming a future Yearly contestant), Laura (for adding “weepsterbate” to the lexicon), and another Anonymous.

(But were I to start looking over comments as I write this, I’d have to include Doc Bunsen’s fabulous “First Date” winner write-up in my selections. It still gives me shivers.)

The Boss even gave me an extra week to mull over the contestants, and it still took me more time than that to reduce the list to about half of the Comments of the Week™ and then to pick my winners. And hell, I know there was a lot of unmined gold left in the threads, so you will likely disagree with me on just about all of these choices.

There was a bit of a commonality in the comments I thought of as even better than the best: there’s a shared idea of a grim outlook for our product- and attitude-driven future, but also the light at the end of this tunnel that shows us not simply acquiescing to this commercial douchebaggery. “We’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it anymore,” so to speak. We will not let Idiocracy become the rule of the day, and this gives me hope, as I believe it does for the rest of you. After all, whether you’re an everyday reg, an occasional Anon, or somewhere in between, this is why we mock… for as long as douchebaggery runs unchecked (and unvaccinated), the mock shall inherit the earth….
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# posted by douchebag1
7:49 am December, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

Great job Wheez!!!! and congrats to the winners and the runners up.
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I’ll be adding these to my Hermit scrap book. I’m not kidding I’ve been cutting & pasting these and adding them to my digital scrap book.
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“I prefer to do my food-processing naked, with my moderate, secular-sized cock bouncing along the counter top like a happy tuna at a minstrel show.” Seriously this is pure genius.

8:01 am December, 17 Douchble Helix said...

HCwDB – Come for the boobies, stay for the comments!
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I still maintain this is the best non-porn website on the internets.
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Hope everyone has a wonderful 2012!!

8:19 am December, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I was hoping for Jacques story about the girl shitting on him. Anybody got a link to dat.
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Wheezer’s right. We must fight on and find the peace that out parents yearned for in those trippy days of yore.Or the previous generation who built great nation with their sweat, death, and amputation in wars and boomtime.
I for one will immediately hit the doobie train. ………………………………..Now I’m buzzing. A beautiful crisp Canadian morning just cold enough that the dog shit is frozen so I can pick it up cause this is the brown box week for feces. And the machine beats on as my wife goes Christmas shopping again. Christmas is always such a letdown. Presents opening to a chorus of “Mommy, I wanted the other Littlest Pet Shop.” Or me saying, “What do you mean those won’t fit you little pig. I told your teacher to make sure you didn’t take muffins from the Machine’s subsidized public classroom snack bar, Fuck.”
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Peaceful music today to forget about the unholy holy days. Doobie music. Thanks for giving me a reason to get stoned Wheezer I’m flying.
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“The beast within held back by the centrifugal force of conformity.” C. Kroeger
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Totally bent I refocus on my task. Yes. Joan Baez was very upset that we had Judas Priest perform a song she wrote about 45 years ago about how much she loved Bob Dylan. A pair of star-crossed hippy prototypes of meta. Loose cannons seeing a nation fall apart with errant escalations of peacekeeping manouevers destined for separation and pain in the middle of the days of awareness which have turned to guilt and shame about the next generation who have failed as they did to change the world.
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And onto the Millenials, the Crystal Childen who have turned into mini douches as those at the top of the food chain have their futures eroded like house prices as the man sticks a broomhandle prison girl style up the collective asshole. Mr. Bringdown live from Toronto, Joan Baez.
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Wow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fVE2jvorI&feature=related
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8:30 am December, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev
Re; Jacques story about the girl shitting on him. I gotta say that popped into my mind when I saw he won this award.

8:31 am December, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

Bless you, Wheeze. Thanks for the nods. I have little to offer the world except my shitty opinions and I’m glad someone appreciates it. I love you guys.
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Not in a gay way, of course.

8:38 am December, 17 Wedgie said...

I thought you were around here way longer than me Wheeze.
Great write up and well deserved for those you mentioned above.
And a hearty thank you for creating Wheezerpedia so we all have a “go-to” reg for fact-checking and total recall. Us older Alzie’s patients find that a most useful tool.
I wrote that last part so the rest of you can have a little fun at his expense.

9:03 am December, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Huh?? What’s Wheezerpedia?

9:09 am December, 17 Nancy Dreuche said...

Right on Wheezer! I’ll never forget when you comforted me during my troll issues with anecdotes of your own. You’ve got a preternatural recall that if encouraged could turn into quite a super power. Hopefully you also apply it outside of HCwDB. I am honored to have weepsterbate put into the archives. Here is the only place I can be recognized for such things and I appreciate it. This pretty much is the only site I go to daily just for a chance to catch up on the latest in mock lexicon and a dose of shits and giggles.

9:26 am December, 17 Hermit said...

Thanks Wheeze, I‘m honored. I remember when DB1 put you in a tough position by volunteering you for this most difficult task.
I’ve laughed at many comments on this site, but I can’t seem to specifically recall any of them due to long, short and medium-term memory loss. Years of psychedelic drug and alcohol addiction, head injuries and recreational NyQuil abuse have taken their toll. I’d gladly trade some of my psychosis for a couple million of your brain cells.
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Baron Von Goolo once referred to us as (paraphrasing) “A dickish bunch, trying to outdick each other.”
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It is an honor to be recognized as one of the big dickheads.

10:17 am December, 17 tall guy said...

Excellent write up, Wheezer. Sincere congratulations, mate, You float some very pertinent points. re. the continuation of mock.
I’ve a few American & Canadian friends here in Sydders and have long considered them intelligent folk. If I wasn’t 54yo in fewer days than go to make up one week I’d definitely consider relocating somewhere over there. Mind you if Dreuche ever develops a hankering for a mail order (slightly shop soiled) husband I’d be in like a shot!
Keep up the good work.

10:19 am December, 17 tall guy said...

Also, nice cans on chick on left.

10:21 am December, 17 DoucheyWallnuts said...

From the neck down the guy in the above photo looks like my Aunt Sue on Christmas Eve.
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But I digress…Weezer does a groovy job in an incredibly difficult category. Great job of pointing out the comments on the site are in the context of culture, and the current decay of such.

10:27 am December, 17 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I don’t want to derail the comments here, but here I go anyway.
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Before I came here I used to go to the site NJGuido.com, which was a site where the aforementioned NJ Guidos would post pictures of their weekend and weeknight revelry. Some of you may remember this site. The Guids thought it was cool and took themselves seriously, but those of us with more than just a passing familiarity with humanity found the site laughable and mockable. Plus their were really hot chicks in the photo. Anyway, I was nostalgic for the old days and thought I’d do a search to see what I found, to see if the site was still active. The URL has changed, but the content is still the same. Check out this link….There are too many photos to post here, but it is classic Jerz, ClubbaggeryAsshatteryDouchebaggery.
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Check out the group photo from the Surf Club.
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http://www.nlsociety.com/forum/index.php?/gallery/album/967-august-2011/

10:33 am December, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Noel from the Wallnut’s! http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/35/yellowtail20061380x315.jpg/

11:06 am December, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Holy dick shitting ass fart, DoucheyWallnuts! That site is a literal treasure trove of poo laden scrotebaggery unparalleled.
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Then there’s this guy.

11:08 am December, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

You go guy.

11:59 am December, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Tattoos, cameras and the internet have made the private lives of young men very public.
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I’d have had trouble with the scrutiny.

12:45 pm December, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

^And very pubic.

12:45 pm December, 17 Vin Douchal said...

I would like to give praise and thanks to the god of late night taxis, Harvishnu Christberg-Jazeer for having a driver willing to go to Fontana at 3 AM.
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Sure, a $35 dollar ride , added a tenner for a tip, made sure I tossed out my dip before opening the front door but of course the pit bull makes a ruckus the nano-second key hits lock, stagger inside , pass out on front-room-company-only-sofa , wake up with what seems like alpaca fur in my mouth and a fire of a thousand flames in Myanus, which is the 10th planet from the sun by a text from one of my co-conspirators last night:
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“Dude I hate you , I hate Crown Royal, I hate Canadians for inventing that shit and I hate the receptors in my brain responsible for hangovers, you suck, die.”

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Simple math. 3A.M. + Cabs= -0- DUI. Gotta get back there to get my car today
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Awesome company X-Mas party , eh? Also great finds by Wheezer, site historian and situational recall specialist. I don’t know what I ate last night but it insists on gushing out of me rapidly
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Skat Spatter Weasels

3:01 pm December, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

Mr. B. just punched out my monitor after looking over my shoulder at your link, DocuheyWallnuts. Fucck. Now he’s stomping around yelling, “Che cazzo, che cazzo, ma che cazzo e’? Ti uccido!!!” Shit. Looks like I’m getting ass raped again tonight. He sees it as revenge for what we’ve done to his culture.

3:02 pm December, 17 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, hmmm, mail order. More like male order am I right, ah fuck it, I’m retiring Am I right ladies? It’s about as funny as Jeff to me now. Anyway I will keep you in mind when I’m shopping for gentleman callers. Right now I’m just using the PennySaver though.

3:47 pm December, 17 Doucheywallnuts said...

@DH, now that looks EXACTLY like my Aunt Sue! Mazel, mazel, good things!

3:51 pm December, 17 Doucheywallnuts said...

@JD, now you know why Jerz rulez!
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The Tiki Bar is the home of the highest (lowest) caliber of douchebags and bleeths. I can’t wait until the summer when I can see these types live and in person.

4:58 pm December, 17 douche equis said...

@Rev Chad:
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Happy to oblige with a link to Frere Jacques’ wonderful shit-upon post . . . scroll down a bit:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/12/reader-mail-andreas-ex-is-a-big-douchebag/
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A classic in its genre. If only one knew what that genre was . . . “Unasked-for Scat”, perhaps?

5:12 pm December, 17 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Well-deserved congratulations to Jacques Douchteau and Hermit. I recall reading Hermit’s winning entry multiple times when it was first posted. Brilliance! The fabric softener sheet imagery makes me long for my Austrian homeland, where they are sometimes used as sexual implements during dungeon play.

5:33 pm December, 17 tall guy said...

And massive congratulations to HERMIT AND JACQUES DOUCHETEAU! Total commentary.

1:32 am December, 18 Baron Von Goolo said...

A hearty congratulations to both Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau. The quality of your prose inspires us all to be better, bigger bastards.

11:54 am December, 18 CB Popped said...

Wheezer n Hermit, friggin’ awesome.

Surf Club,,,the place not to be.

Medusa – classic.

12:02 pm December, 18 CB Popped said...

^Jacques – holy shit,,,,that one douchebag has “9 7 3” – a New Jersey area code, tattooed on his ribcage.

Just holy shit.

Walnuts has just supplied us fodder for nearly all of 2012.

6:53 am December, 19 SonnyChibaChoad said...

raiese you URCs to Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau.
Medusa brings the comment heat….
Thanks for the laughs gang, and all a good 2012..
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mockmedians

9:43 pm December, 19 Stephanie said...

And how about the cans on the one in the middle…

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