Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy: Gynochin

Medusa Oblongata hands out the award:

——-

For those of you kids too young to remember, trash cans used to be made out of sheet metal, like the one Oscar The Grouch resides in. Not like that floppy Rubbermaid piece of junk your dad bought at Walmart.

Anyway, these trash cans were gigantic, heavy monstrosities, and to slam one over someone’s head would cause them more than permanent damage; it would also cause the greatest sensation of pride and pleasure that you, as the slammer, could ever experience. The cries of your newborn child would fall on deaf ears as you blissfully reminisced about the time you picked up that trashcan and slammed it over ___________’s head.

Knowing that joy quite well myself, it is with a big smile and grave intestinal distress that I announce this year’s winner of “Most Trashcan To The Head-Worthy.”

Despite the many gut-roiling candidates throughout the year, only one truly comes to the forefront, and that is Gynochin.

He tore out of the gate, leaping the arc from the tail end of 2010, taking the very first DBOTW in January.

Yeah, remember when we had a weekly? Those were good times. No, really, I’m over it. I was just sayin’. Anyway, Gynochin came around for another swing and took the monthly for February, displaying a powerful level of irritating douchiness that was not to be ignored.

I reviewed the rest of the year and found some very worthy candidates. Another early arrival, Captain Shnook, bringing the Popeye-esque creepiness,

Monthly winner Clifford The Big Red Bag, for crimes against denim, and the poolbaggery supreme of the crap-tat-tastic Joey Lumpcrustowitz.

However, I still kept coming back to Gynochin as the winner.

I tried my best to put my slimy finger on what was the one overriding factor that would make me want to slam a trashcan over his head. And then it suddenly became clear……Acoustics.

Look at the shape of his head. That elongated (possibly empty) cranium, the jutting cheekbones, the kneecap for a chin. I realized at that moment, the sound of the can slamming down on his noggin would be the most tremendously chakra-aligning sound mortal ears could ever hear. The shape and proportions of his head would allow not only for a tremendously thunderous impact, but also for maximum reverberation post-impact. He’s a sound effects engineer’s dream come true. Pure acoustic properties, as well as a tepid chaser of smug made Gynochin the clear choice. And also those glasses. Sweet baby Jeebus, those glasses.

# posted by douchebag1
11:58 am December, 6 RAPETIME said...

I, too, want my Weekly back.

Yeah, and fuck this guy. He is appalling.

12:08 pm December, 6 Vin Douchal said...

Gyno may be a multi-category winner. He sure looks like a Douchebag Of The Year contender and one of the regs may ping him with yet another slot.
.
Medusa could kick Gynochin’s ass with her arms tied behind her legs ,a visual I’ve had about her many times

12:12 pm December, 6 jonezy said...

my mental soliloquy goes something like this:
.
“Fuuuck you! You fucking piece of shit cock sucker have no goddamned right to be with that beautiful angel model chick. You infuriate me to no end and I wish a horrible end comes swiftly to you and your progeny”
.
which is exactly what Trashcan to the Head worthy implies if you ask me…

12:17 pm December, 6 hermit said...

Nice job M.

12:29 pm December, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa
.
May I suggest…
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqZg9iBNUB4

12:29 pm December, 6 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Sweet baby jebus indeed. Well done MO. I do miss your venom filled posts that, as I read them aloud, peeled the paint off of my office walls. Good times, good times.
.
But this will do just fine.

12:31 pm December, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This guy is most certainly a fucktard who deserves this award. What up with the hair yo? And she’s delicious.
.
Now that I have slept off my morning stone I present in celebration of Medusa’s write-up, The George W. Bush alumni choir from Gary, Indiana singing an Ethyl Merman classic.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgXzMgPYjMo&feature=related

12:32 pm December, 6 Ferris said...

Nicely done, M.O.. I’m glad it came down to acoustics, because that is, truly, the main appeal of bashing some useless fuckass over the melon with an aluminum trash can: the loud CRASH. Gynochin is truly worthy.

12:38 pm December, 6 SonnyChibaChoad said...

MO! Don’t hold back…nice takedown of the dbag…now if you could only skin and gut him….
So let it be written, so let it be done….
.
.
.
G-Monies

12:41 pm December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

2011: The Year Of Gynochin!
Who even knew?
We all knew about Shithouse in 2010, as undeserving as he was, but I had no idea about The Chin.

12:42 pm December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

How do you explain this youtube comment, The Reverend Chad Kroeger?

“so THIS is why people were against nickleback performing during the Detroit Lions/Packers game on thanksgiving!…Wow Chad Kroeger has reallly let himself go!”
“cavepiggy 1 week ago”

12:45 pm December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

So, I finally used The Google on “Chad Kroeger”.
.
Whataya want from me? I’m 54 years old!

1:01 pm December, 6 DarkSock said...

Perfect choice…that smug mug begs for a public trash-canning, preferably in front of a sorority.
.
Medusa’s insights regarding the acoustical money shot of whanging a choad-nozzle’s skull plate into a galvanized ash can is spot on; however in this case I’d forego the satisfying ***SPANG*** of a trash can and instead use a 20-cubic-foot dumpster swung in a delicious downward arc into Gynochin’s snarky piehole by a 50-ton crane.

1:03 pm December, 6 DarkSock said...

And I also desire to gently and respectfully give “A-ooo-gah” honks to Brunette Rhea’s perfect cans.
.
.
.
Frottagers.

1:11 pm December, 6 hermit said...

^ Twenty cubic “yard” dumpster.

1:13 pm December, 6 hermit said...

Believe me having spent many a night in them, I know my dumpsters.

1:19 pm December, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

Well done and well said Madame O.

1:38 pm December, 6 Justin said...

Oh yes, the sound, it would be…glorious! The donk of the metal….the crunch of his cervical vertebrae…we would make beautiful music together.

1:40 pm December, 6 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Mistress O. you have outdone yourself, I’m sending you a case of Romulan ale!! Bravo!

1:53 pm December, 6 Vin Douchal said...

In case you’re wondering, Jaimie Bernhardt displays the perfect female GSR

1:54 pm December, 6 schlicht bindenburger said...

the chin can also be used to tickle poo!

1:55 pm December, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

For a chance to lick the underboob sweat of Brunette Rhea I would cancel my date with a 25 year old muzzled Jenna Elfman and give up my habit of secretively sniffing the used piece of soiled toilet paper that Jennifer Lopez left behind while changing her shit-spattered tampon at a Manhattan Taco Bell the night she nervously ate the whole menu shortly after she and Puff Daddy escaped a scene of gunplay but before one of his crew took the rep for it.
.
2Pacs

2:18 pm December, 6 smackdouche said...

Any reason to look at the glorious Rhea again is good enough for me.

2:18 pm December, 6 Wedgie said...

^Gross.
Hey Red, nice job on trashcan worthy. I think we may not have seen the last of this choad, unfortunately. He is a contender to be reckoned with. And by reckoned with, I mean three-speed tri-dildo ass pounding by Hans & Frans at Club Vandersexx in Eurotrip.
.
.
.
Wonder Women.

2:19 pm December, 6 Wedgie said...

Nice cockblock Smackdouche. That “gross” was for the Rev.

2:20 pm December, 6 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

The Chin knows he is a worthy recipient. Oh yes, he knows. Deep in his blackened soul, he knows how despised he has been by all who have known his chiseled repulsiveness.

It all started the moment his mommy deprived him of her milky mamms the day he started second grade.
.

2:30 pm December, 6 tall guy said...

Terrific work, Medusa! Gynochin is eleventy types of horrible and you take him down with admirable restraint (considering all that you had to work with). Nice, nice, nice. I’m now referring to the brunette next to him. Congratulations, back to you.

2:59 pm December, 6 Douche Springsteen said...

Nice take down Medusa, but with all due respect, it looks like this d-bag has already taken a few trashcans to the head. However, one good turn deserves another, so there’s no reason to not do it again.

3:15 pm December, 6 CB Popped said...

He’s even making a douche face with the Penis Sunglasses…..I wonder how long he coiffs that hair do?

I noticed Medusa’s recent postings have an air of dystopia and grace not seen recently, great stuff again.

3:18 pm December, 6 Mr. White said...

Medusa is the leading artist/poet of my generation. Her witty musings arouse me both intellectually and sexually.
.
Is that a weird thing to say? Is it the Ambien talking?
.
.
Why did I take Ambien at 6 o’clock, anyway?

3:37 pm December, 6 idfma said...

Medusa, I haven’t told you I love you recently, but that’s okay, you know. Trashcan to the head-worthy, ballpeen hammer to the knee worthy, pliers to the teeth-worthy. Maybe DB1 should add some categories–too many douches and not enough catgories. Nice job, MO!

3:56 pm December, 6 Bag A said...

Would have liked to see Joey Lumpcrustowitz get this award, but Gynochin has a greater body of work.

4:38 pm December, 6 DarkSock said...

Not to change the subject, and by all means continue to laud Medusa O’s stellar take-down of this most-hated New Hamshirian named Paul, but here’s Moonlit Pear from September 2010. Just because.
dg

4:43 pm December, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

Nothin wrong with mocking this ballchinian fuckstick twice. Nice work Medusa. I would purchase the mix CD of you hitting him with different types of trashcans, you know, get in there and really experiment with sound.

5:17 pm December, 6 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This could be the year of the Gyno. He’s kind of like the Green Bay Packers of Douchebags. He’s everywhere. Soon he will be doing State Farm Insurance commercials and appear on ESPN promotional spots. I can see the ESPN spot now; Kirk Herbstreit walks into a make-up room and hears a hair dryer going; the camera pans over to Gyno working on his 2011-pompadour douche do, then spraying his self-tanner on his face before manicuring his own eyebrows…Herbstriet takes a comb, runs it through his hair and then kicks Gyno in the balls before walking out to the set.

5:39 pm December, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

Thanks, all, it was a pleasure to contribute. I’ve been in some strange places these last couple weeks. Ruminating on the apocalypse, aided by viewing these specimens of societal decay. Woe is we.

6:26 pm December, 6 Ted Brogan said...

Gynochin is going strong this year, and rightfully so. I find it hard that there is going to be a reasonable contender. The HC is very much so, and the DB is as well.

Having said that, Joey’s Kate makes my pants tight.

7:32 pm December, 6 Douchelips said...

Great writeup, Gynochin needs to be taken down…his hott on the other hand is seriously worthy. I hope she merits further consideration.

8:17 pm December, 6 CB Popped said...

Holy Fcuk Moonpear,,,,
Rhea Rules.
Asspirations.

11:22 pm December, 6 tall guy said...

Gynochin. Ugh what a creep!

2:25 pm December, 7 Gold'bag said...

She should be a hottest hott nominee for sure. one of my favorite girls on this site in years.

5:04 pm December, 7 Nostradouchus said...

Good. Maybe the trashcan will relocate his jaw.

7:52 pm December, 7 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This one requires a trash can filled with depleted uranium and random medical waste.

10:17 pm December, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

Medusa strikes again.
I always like it when a douchebag who resembles Warren Beatty gets a hands-down win.

2:47 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

I think Gyno and Rhea are coming on strong for the yearly here . . . because the more I see the guy, the more this whole trashcan-to-the-head thing seems like something I MUST DO. I sense a pair of winners here.
.
And now, because I’m posting, another probable failed attempt at linking the photo of an epic GSR:
.

2:48 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

f’n h

Leave a Reply