Friday, December 9, 2011

Most Vegasy Vegasbag: Lancelot Boy Melvin

Las Vegas’s own Choad the Douche Sprocket gives out the Award:

——
VEGAS-Y VEGAS DOUCHEBAG

(Polite applause)

Master of Ceremonies Richard Greico: Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. In the category of Vegas-y Vegas Douche, the nominees are:

Prince Meatwad of Prince Meatwad Gives Orders, whose harem of hotts (making up in quantity what it lacks in quality) demonstrate, nay epitomize the pull of the monied thugs who keeps Vegas’ coffers full by day and night. With nipples as stiff as his upper lip (and about as large), stupid stomach tatt, ginormous designer shades, camo trunks and ubiquitous Bud Lite, his highness wants you to know he is large and in charge — of a flunky and four stippers from Larry’s Villa.

Captain Lubing of Captain Lubing and Tracy Gnaw, who wants everyone to know he was established in 1984. And that he shaves his groin. But then he asks: “Why Me?” Why you indeed captain? Why does the otherwise exquisite Tracey Gnaw see fit to shiver your timber? Can epistemological relativism give us the answers? Or must we seek a higher truth from the oracle that is the ubiquitous red cup. For perhaps, only rc can divine what causes such sweet-natured girls to acquire arm scurvy in their quest for acceptance…and cling to your hideousness like barnacles to to a dingy. For a dingy is all you will ever be Captain Lubing, sailing across the desert sands into douchebag oblivion.

Poppin’ Fresh of It’s Shark Week on HCwDB whose entreaties to “Stay Classy” whilst pool-siding it at a “C’-list hotel, with a “B”-list hott sporting ink that screams “truck stop mechanic” tells you all you need to know about Vegas day-club culture.

…and finally, Lancelot Boy Melvin:

whose run of douche-i-tude this year included: Buddha Took a Dump, Lancelot Boyz Speak to Perfectly Hot PTA Mom Vanessa in Monosyllabic Grunts, and Lancelot Boy Melvin Pretends to Get Lucky for a Nearby Camera.

And the winner of the 2011 Douchie Award for Vegas’y Vegas Douche is (drum roll please)….. Lancelot Boy Melvin!

(Thunderous applause)

(Announcer in voiceover):

Yes, it seems Lancelot Boy Melvin’s body of work this year was just too strong to ignore. And by strong we mean the stench emanating from whatever day club let this pile of pint-sized, preening, paid-to-pose poo hang out at it’s pool.

Wherever Melvin found himself in 2011, and from the looks of things, you could find him all over Vegas, a certain smell wafted through the air like a Rev Chad fart after three helpings of turducken garnished with Aunt Yvonne’s fava bean and fig casserole.

Like moths to the proverbial flame (or is it mayflies to piles of manure?) poolside hotts cannot resist the bronzed, lacquered arrogance of this smirking fecal matter — constantly looking up at you from wherever his homunculun form has been deposited. He is the embodiment of all that makes Las Vegas the breeding ground for narcissistic, lowest-common-denominator behavior – the petri dish for putrid performance art, if you will – that takes place every May-September outdoors up and down the Strip.

Like the booze and tanning factories he frequents, Melvin’s very presence embodies the lowering of society’s IQ, and stands for the proposition that all shirtless show-offs are not created equal – some have to work extra hard to insure that anyone with a brain (or a soul) would like to clean him off the bottom of their shoe.

Honorable Mention goes to Creepy Vegas Hippie, who proved that no matter how old or wise you become, the pull of Vegas pudwackery can claim any victim — geriatric or otherwise. Creepy Vegas hippie created a paradox — a doucheadox if you will — giving hope while, at the same time, confirming our worst fears about the spreading plague of over-arching exhibitionism that infects society’s every strata. Yes, he is a walking embarrassment to his grandchildren, but on the other hand, if you can look this bad, at this age, and still pull some quality trim, there is hope for us all.

Greico: “That concludes our Vegas-y Vegas Awards for this year ladies and gentlemen. If any of you remember who I am, I’ll be signing autographs outside my cabana at Circus Circus…and if any of you hotties run with the Goose, I’ll be glad to oblige…as long as you pay me first.”

——-

# posted by douchebag1
12:15 pm December, 9 Wedgie said...

To quote the Honorable Judge Elhew Smails:
“Top Notch, Top Notch!!”

12:23 pm December, 9 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Well done ChoadTDS
pass the brain bleach!
Looks like Grieco has that other virus…holy sh%t!
.
.
.viral nepos

12:28 pm December, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

Good work Choad The Douche Sprocket and may I offer my condolences to your eyes.
.
Is there a category for Hott Moms this year? if not there should be cause Perfectly Hot PTA Mom Vanessa gives me chub but she doesn’t hold a candle to Young Mom Carol

12:35 pm December, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Thorough wordsmithing and complete argument as only a lawyer and gourmande could accommplish in 1500 words or less. Bravo Choad.
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And Scotato has an epic in the Prince Meatwad post
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There is only one performer who can fuck things up while making a fortune and looking like a classic douchebag to grace Choad’s setup above. Fucking Canadians.
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Ladies and gentlemen. Live from the Bellagio Hotel, a Canadian douchebag extraordinaire, perhaps worse than Nickleback who are sure to show up next week. Tami the beautiful Italian girl that broke my heart only to be plagued with chronic roseacea in later years’ mother grew up beside this Lebanese midget.
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Performing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, this gay.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsS811o21-k

12:49 pm December, 9 Vin Douchal said...

That chick to the right of Melvin is an abomination. She may be uglier than Mary Mammtastic , but not by much.
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Wonder what Choad TDS served at this banquet? Let’s hope it was laced with arsenic

12:53 pm December, 9 fatness said...

I’m going to blow this photo up to poster size and use it to drive the mice out of my basement. Should only take a few hours…

1:03 pm December, 9 Wedgie said...

Smells like teen trannies.

1:05 pm December, 9 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Revvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv- Fuck that was awful.

1:09 pm December, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

As I realize as her elder that Nancy Dreuche does not acknowledge that some of us may have studied Latin, I must forgive her errant correction of my spelling of “faeces”. Start with “La Commedia” smart ass.
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Cover your ears gentlemen for on the SNL stage we have John Ritter’s son singing “Pumped Up Kicks” whatever the fuck that means.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn2r48o0bs8

1:12 pm December, 9 Wedgie said...

^Why, for the luvva Christ? Why soil it? Whyyyyyyyyy?????

1:12 pm December, 9 Vin Douchal said...

In the NSFW file from earlier this year, Mexican Stewardesses Naked in Playboy
.
Just when you thought you’d had your fill of chisled bodies & brown nips

1:25 pm December, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Nancy requested the last song. Let’s get back to the cool funky sounds of the 70’s with a little number from a band named after the city in which Her Royal Dominatrix M.O. lives.
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A song of hope. A song about acid trips and the misreading of a simple time piece.
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Live from Sydney, Australia.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fXYuBc5KhE&feature=related

1:30 pm December, 9 Wedgie said...

@Vin
Jennifer Aniston is waaaaayyyyy hotter. Don’t believe me? Just ask US Magazine. Their poll just picked her over both Marilyn Monroe & Racquel Welch.
Yeah, that’s a great pick. We should have those guys run the Douchies next year.

1:39 pm December, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I am mesmerized by the bleeth on the left who appears to have a bigger package than LBM. And I have never seen a dirtier, tattooed girl in my life than the bleeth on the right. And I am sporting Burmese Rosewood Wood…

1:45 pm December, 9 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Choad: If there was an award on this site for giving an award, I believe you’d have it with this one. Nice job.

2:02 pm December, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Or perhaps this will cleanse Wedgie’s palate. Damn you Nancy Dreuche the equilibrium has been broken.
.
A great Canadian singer and my neighbour Michael Clayton Thomas and BST without half of the 89 band members they have had.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y168CNQyO7g

2:07 pm December, 9 Capt. James T. Douche said...

It’s a good chance that later on he’ll be the one receiving a pair of Arabian goggles from the inked up tranny. He’ll need a wet nap and quart of mineral spirits to clean the smell of tranny taint off his upper lip.

2:16 pm December, 9 Wedgie said...

Thanks Rev, I thought you were losing it. One question, though, regarding your boy Michael Thomas: How does a guy born in Surrey get known as a Canadian? Surrey…..Canada?
Jeez, my geography teacher was lying to me all those years. Now I’m questioning everything she ever told me.
Stuff like “It’s normal for 14 year old boys to pop their geography teachers”.
You know, like that. I always like Ms. LeTourneau. I think she was Canadian, too.

2:17 pm December, 9 Stephanie said...

I don’t know if you need 1500 words to say that these people are fecal matter. They’re nothing but loud, stupid consumers who will never make mankind any better.

2:19 pm December, 9 hermit said...

Choad,
It’s good to have one of our own deep within the evil Vegas underbelly .

2:24 pm December, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I go to my nappy place now.

2:29 pm December, 9 The Dude said...

Lovely spread here, CtDS!
.
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veGas seems to proliferate veGASbaggs

3:01 pm December, 9 Vin Douchal said...

I could not be happier:
.

3:23 pm December, 9 Wedgie said...

@Vin
I couldn’t get the fuccen link to work; I wanted to post this. DB1’s “discovery” finally gets what’s coming. Plus, Sister Bernice….

3:41 pm December, 9 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

We are humbled by your kind words….and so revolted these days by Vegas in general (and the bleethed out skank in the picture at the top of the page in particular), we’ve decided to drown our sorrows tonight with a nice Chianti and some fava beans — which should go nicely with her liver — once it gets detoxified.

4:22 pm December, 9 CB Popped said...

Well deserved Melvin.
Thanks for keeping us abreast of Baggery in Vegas as our man on the street Choad.

Agreed Vin, that chick on the right looks FuCkeD up.

4:24 pm December, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

Thanks for honoring my jam request DJ Rev. Youre rockin the mike like a vandal and keepin it green like a Birkenstock sandal.
.
Choad, you definitely get the award for best presentation of an award. The cameo by Greico really sealed the deal. And by sealed the deal I do not mean I masturbated. Because that picture of him made my lady parts unmoist. Ladies, if you have a problem being wet all the time keep a photo of the Greico handy. His visage is like natures sponge.

4:35 pm December, 9 Douchble Helix said...

That link reminded me of how much I always enjoyed reading the articles in Playboy.

9:02 pm December, 9 idfma said...

Funny stuff, Choad. I think PoppinFresh might be Drew Carey trying a sort of Joaquin Phoenix sojourn into the bizzare.

10:25 pm December, 9 Anonymous said...

Inspired work Choad the Douche Sprocket! You honour all of us with your thoroughly researched and highly articulate break down. The infestation besmirching Vegas town grows like your learned friends time sheets during billing time. Long may you live and prosper!

10:28 pm December, 9 tall guy said...

Shit, again that’s me above.

11:13 pm December, 9 Nostradouchus said...

That TOTALLY ORIGINAL TATTOO should serve as a bullseye.

12:31 am December, 10 Whoop-di-douche said...

It’s a true douchehonor to mention Choad and Grieco’s names in the same sentence….especially the wild and wooly run-on sentence by Choad I just enjoyed reading here. I think Grieco truly greased our Choad!

6:07 am December, 10 Eponymous Douche said...

Sometimes when I am frightened I am also aroused. This time I am just frightened.

9:04 pm December, 10 tall guy said...

Honestly, that bleeth on right… Sheesh!

10:37 pm December, 10 Lorp said...

The “chick” on the left has a disturbingly large for “her” size bulge in “her” pants.

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