Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh Tiny Dancer Maria, ye of the award winging gazanga gnaws.

How I’ve missed your curvy giggles that shake your frame like a caffeinated Shake Weight ™.

You guide me true on this Friday aft.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “The television screen is the retina of the mind’s eye. Therefore, the television screen is part of the physical structure of the brain. Therefore, whatever appears on the television screen emerges as raw experience for those who watch it. Therefore, television is reality, and reality is less than television. “

A profound and unfolding tragedy has shaken me to my very core: Hostess is entering Chapter-11. We have not been doing our part to consume tasty snack cakes with creamy filling.

Nik Ritchie’s craptastic “The Dirty” continues to smell like poo.

For those of us who grew up in the 80s, read Omni Magazine, and thought the leap in perspective from Space Invaders to Zaxxon was revolutionary: Battlestar Gallactica As it Was Meant to Be Told. In 64 Bit. With lots of deserved snark.

Guy Fieri, honorary Douchebag of the Month from June of 2008, now has a drinking game.

Call your Doctor if your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Hours.

You know who also thinks the South by Southwest festival is filled with pretentious herpster shoescrape? Hitler.

But you are not here for tired Hitler memes. You are hear for Pear.

Self Portrait Pear

Mmmm… Fruit of the Bloom.

# posted by douchebag1
12:46 pm January, 13 Wheezer said...

Like Lämp, I love Self-Portrait Pear.

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Re: Hostess…..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (makes frowny face)

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Bye-bye PRIK Richie! Don’t drop the soap! Donkster’s been without it for too long and will be bending you over in the shower.

12:51 pm January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Vin Douchal

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Are you Al Di Meola? I know a guy from way back in junior high that was crazy about Al. How Crazy? Well he was playing Al on his classical guitar back in 1977 or so before anyone my age knew who he was. He worked tirelessly at part-time jobs to save money for a vintage Gibson Brydland which he bought around 82. The thing was all custom something with wild walnuts or rosebuds or shit. I play drums so what the fuck do I know. Anyway he met this chick in university, maybe his first lay, who was way above his face-grade and was a going to law school. They got married and his wife assumed the guitar and old tube amps would be sold for a good price and used as part of a downpayment for a house. He divorced her shortly after and still plays jazz and blues. I may have a video around.

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And Champagne Katie is cementing the feeling in my pants that Mrs. Kroeger may get fully erect wood tonight. And by fully erect I mean she may look like a rape victim when I’m done and she likes that.

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Boners

12:56 pm January, 13 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

Was prepared to give Maria’s chosen companion a notta-pass. Despite the tatts & underpants, seems a pleasant enough fellow.

But wait, is he wearing suspenders? Is he a Junior Samples douche? Or is that just a wallet bungee of some sort?

We need a ruling to set my fevered pre-drinking mind at ease.

12:57 pm January, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

My wish for the weekend is that “Middle Finger Guy” gets stomach cancer.

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Malignancies

1:02 pm January, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I don’t know what’s gayer, watching Guy’s show or playing a drinking game while watching Guy’s show or felching another Dude while watching Guy’s show and playing a drinking game.

1:04 pm January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^I meant Tiny Dancer Maria but I think I may have had a stroke shovelling the patio off.

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I’d give anything for a four hour erection and self-portrait pear. And I’d do Rachel Ray if she promised not to say Yummo or EVOO, unless we needed EVOO for anal play. And by anl play I mean past the second sphincter half-was up the colon. Cause that’s the way I roll.

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Ass Bangers

1:09 pm January, 13 hermit said...

“Four hour election video” disputes Baron V.G’s contention in the last thread concerning Godzilla’s gender.

1:13 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

I am here for Hitler memes. AssPear has always been something I tolerate to enjoy those sweet sweet Hitler memes.

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Enjoy your anal RevChad. And anyone else who will be partaking in the forbidden sphincterdeluciousness this evening. Gay dudes I’m looking at you.

1:15 pm January, 13 DouchYouWannaDance said...

The Battlestar Gallactica animation was great, but I’ve gotta ask if the author wasted months creating the graphics and animations from scratch, or if he used and old NES game and just edited it?

Doesn’t look familiar. Very cool.

1:30 pm January, 13 tall guy said...

The thing I find about Tiny Dancer Maria is that she does, at least, look natural. The most unfortunate downside to this is she will be less than ordinary within 5 years or by the time her firstborn celebrates its first birthday. Got nothing to do with me. It’s just nature.

1:32 pm January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Tiny Dancer Maria looking great, this time with her tummy back to taught perfection. Although I’m sure she’d be happier with me than mentos-down-the-pants douchlings, I give the guy props for the irono-glance while easily brushing aside angst-filled hipster meerkat doucebag. Well played, sir.

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Battlestar Galactica. I could not follow. All I know is I wanted to bang robot Boomer like a pneumatic hammer running on illegally enriched Iranian uranium.

1:39 pm January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Robot Boomer Pear: http://grace-park.8k.com/grace-park-02.jpg

1:41 pm January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

In honor of Hermit’s “When The Plunger Breaks” and Tiny Dancer Maria and the kid shovelling my driveway for a longboard, and liquor and doobies and since it’s Friday and we found out that Vin is really Al Di Meola and I’m blind drunk with a boner:

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH-_9cwdLug&feature=related

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Zozo’s

1:45 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, so a woman’s hotness decreases after she’s popped out a kid? Perhaps you’ve stumbled on a more effective way to promote birth control. Well done. Between Rev Chads tips on a happy marriage and your statement, being single and care free ain’t lookin so bad.

1:53 pm January, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m think middle finger guy decided to crash the photo and for that I give him kudo’s.

1:54 pm January, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

I wish I was TDM’s sunglasses.

1:55 pm January, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmm……… Self Portrait Pear!!!

2:13 pm January, 13 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Ohhhh, sweet, sweet, loving, delicate Tiny Dance…SPURP! SPURP! Spurp. purp.

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Wow. God. That never happens. I mean, it happens, but, you know, wow. Not, like, not that quick.

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I gotta go.

2:23 pm January, 13 tall guy said...

Dreuche, pop ‘em out by the dozen if you want, toots. Maybe dread locked dude on right can donate the sperm. I’d suggest a careful scrutiny first though. His hair probably stinks of slaughter yard pomade and his full, heavy, pastry-like features appear underhung with a double chin vacancy. He probably has a tendency to drool as well. Once the starch bomb hits her thighs and reclaim her tummy, she’d be flat-out pulling stackhouse!

2:32 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, I have yet to be convinced to pop any out by the dozen. Motherhood is such a tough job and seeing as how I have a pretty tough job already why would I volunteer to double my workload? I’m not that big of a masochist. And this starch bomb thing sounds just as terrifying as Bingo arms did.

2:41 pm January, 13 The Dude said...

Kudo’s to Et tu Douche for recognizing the spontaneous cap-twisting, finger-flipping pic ~hatchu!~

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What was I saying? Oh yeah, the invader on the right is clearly not a loser.

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Genius

2:44 pm January, 13 Wedgie said...

Hey, blow me. That is all.

2:46 pm January, 13 tall guy said...

In both cases it come down to genetics, Dreuche. Granted a bit of old time religion influences the desire to breed, but generally speaking hambeasts breed hambeasts. You’ve probably got a while to go before you worry about it. Perhaps it’ll never be a concern for you. A mere slip of a lass like you shouldn’t concern herself with anything more than what’s happening next Friday night. Aside from your enduring fantasy to be Kroeger’s private dancer that is.

2:55 pm January, 13 Ernest Hemmingdouche said...

@Tallguy, as reward for your views on genetics, attraction, and your statement to young Miss Dreuche about Friday night, I give to you my own little poem about Friday night. I hope you enjoy it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfVsfOSbJY0

3:11 pm January, 13 Wedgie said...

Note to Dr. Socck:
As a lifelong 49ers fan, I feel a small wager is in order prior to tomorrow’s game. Thus, I throw down the gauntlet: A bottle of Maker’s (regular size, no pints you fuccen chisler) that the game is won by San Francisco. No points, straight bet. DB1 has both our e-mails; I assume you’re good for it. I think the Saints are walking into a buzz saw.
What do you say, oh Sage of the Bayou?
.
***
It’s on, G-Spot. Go ahead an’ run yo’ ass to da liquor store. Buy two; you gone need your own bottle to drown the sorrow of broken playoff dreams. -D.S.
***

3:20 pm January, 13 tall guy said...

For whom the bell tolls, Hemmingdouche…

3:53 pm January, 13 Nancy The Douche said...

Dayuh!! I’m Nancy The Douche!! I think I’m really clever, so I post this stupid shit all the fucking time.

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I think I’m as dumb and cunty as you do.

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Supposedly Snarky Terms.

3:57 pm January, 13 tall guy said...

Not Douche, Dreuche!

4:20 pm January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Anyone want some action on the Denver game? Don’t look at the line, straight up bet ?

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^ Cheesy attempt at mis-direction ^

4:50 pm January, 13 hermit said...

@ Vin

I hate the Pats with a passion but I’ll take them straight up.

Haven’t seen the line but Denver has to be getting nine plus.

The top shelf ass can only cloud my mind so much.

4:57 pm January, 13 hermit said...

13 1/2. Points.

Last week I would have bet my left nut on Pittsburgh and would be walking funny this week.

That’s why I don’t gamble.

4:59 pm January, 13 hermit said...

My left nut hangs considerably lower than my right. Therefore it is my favorite.

5:00 pm January, 13 hermit said...

I peed on a dead terrorist once.

5:25 pm January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Funny thing about peeing on a dead terrorist. It is, at most, only the second worst thing that happened to them that day.

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Looks like Creature has returned!

5:25 pm January, 13 Stephanie said...

This is just a pretty common photo bomb on douchebag status sites. Where they need photos to as a validation to their lives.

5:56 pm January, 13 Wedgie said...

Paging Dr. Sock

6:02 pm January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Saints, Broncos, Texans, and of course the Majestic New York Giants.

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This week last year I was wrong on all 4 games. I would entertain a proposal for a bet on the Giants-Packers Sunday.

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Tebows

6:03 pm January, 13 Doucheywallnuts said...

I am drinking Woodford Reserve Aged Cask Rye on the rocks with a huge twist of orange. And by that I mean I would have loved to bang Mia Sara when she was in the teddy hanging out in the pool in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

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If ever there was the chance for “God” to assert himself, the Broncos winning would be a good start. Surely Bill Bellitits is the devil and Tom Brady represents many of the devil’s most devilish traits.

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Beelezububs

6:09 pm January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’m pulling for the cheerleaders.

6:24 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Nancy the Douche, damn, now I’ve got some serious competition with you in the game. And that’s a pretty spot on breakdown of my comments. Marry me?

6:48 pm January, 13 Bag A said...

TDM’s shorts. I’m speechless.

Makes me wonder about the surroundings. Rio underwear boy and white Bob Marley. Really? What’s up with that?

Then, my eyes move up to her Golden Globes (after all, she was a 2011 Award Winner!), and all is right with the world.

6:53 pm January, 13 Bag A said...

And by “all is right with the world”, I mean that I splooged all over my keyboard.

7:35 pm January, 13 Nostradouchus said...

This is an obvious anti-war rally, and bleeth is the most politically knowledgeable of the three.

7:43 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Nostradouchus, that does not bode well for planet Earth.

8:25 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Bag A, random question for you, was the hat you lost so many moons ago but then washed ashore when you were on a walk about awhile later, an A’s cap per chance?

8:41 pm January, 13 troy tempest said...

So I remember a time when the 49ers, Redskins, and Cowboys dominated the game. Then the Patriots appeared and I lost interest. Is this reasonable?

8:59 pm January, 13 Bag A said...

@ sweeet nancy

No, not an A’s cap!

9:03 pm January, 13 The Dude said...

I peed on the 40 yard line once.

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Why? It was closer to the escape route. Hey, I was 14 at the time.

9:13 pm January, 13 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Anything that can grate Roger Ebert while referencing McLuhan is good in my books.

*

I had no idea that SXSW had these problems, but then again, I cannot care for Herpsters who magically have enough disposable income and emotional rage as to overrun barricades for surprise performances by dance, noise punk acts. For some reason, that is the catalyst for their Herpster Hulk transformations.

Tiny Dancer Maria sounds like a `B` side to Pet Shop Boys` `Domino Dancing.` I suppose it is somewhat apt: Dandruff Dreadlock Dave and Overtly Homoerotic Julio were probably trying really hard to avoid having to spend their remaining beer money in perpetual, extreme “bromance“ such that Maria here was unexpectedly and abruptly accosted with such overcompensating zeal.

*

Excuse the weird quotation marks; my terminal automatically changed to Canadian French, and I am too lazy to change it back.

*

Vive Le Douchec Libre

11:53 pm January, 13 The Dude said...

I pulled on the 40 yard line once.

.

What?

11:59 pm January, 13 tall guy said...

Not librarian hott but hott in the library – a soaring highlight in my otherwise dull Saturday afternoon.

breaking my semi-isolation/hibernation with detailed ablutions i made my way the the local shopping precinct to purchase stuff. Job done i called in to the local council library to browse the new releases. Most available seats were occupied but in a section set with tables i spied an a vacancy. A blond student of stunning physical appearance sat with her head buried in a book. Upon seating she looked up at me and i commented on the closeness of the air suggesting the air con was malfunctioning. i proceeded to scan through my intended loans and before leaving politely enquired what she was studying. Her subject was chemistry or something, although of this i can’t be certain as i was mesmerised by her beauty. She did mention that her goal was to enter the nutrition field and at this point i became somewhat glib and shared my interest in good eating and my enduring desire to remain active as, chronologically speaking, i was now officially ancient as of my last birthday. There was a nice vibe between us despite the vast age difference – and for the record she would have been about 25, which makes her almost half my age – but i contented myself with imagination and the actual experience of engaging this ravishing creature in a nice little chat. Life could be worse. Later, while buying pens in the cheap’n’cheerful Asian 2$ shop, a rather sprauncy looking old dame was standing in the queue behind me. Her friend pointed out a rather garish paste ring set with a quite large violet coloured bit of glass. I told her it matched her eyes, to which she, fixing me with a glaring mayan eye of coitus, replied, ‘oh, really?’

.

Boilers.

2:20 am January, 14 Douchble Helix said...

@tall guy: shprach ze English?

7:12 am January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Bag A, you gonna make me guess? Cuz thats all I could come up with based on the evidence presented at the time.

7:27 am January, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

As I revisit this thread I realize how yogurt spackle worthy Tiny Dancer Marias bewbs & belly are and for that I give thanks and by give thanks I mean she give me a chubb.

7:32 am January, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ, tall guy, I’ve never heard so many stories about getting on the pot without taking a piss. Pull the trigger. Take a swing. Roll the bones. Adopt a pet and dress it up and put makeup on its face. Something.

7:34 am January, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

DB1 hates me, so Tiny Dancer and Champagne Katie are forever excluded. *sob*

7:45 am January, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Is it me or can you almost smell Angry Haggard Trustafarian’s combination of his still unwashed Fall 2011 Phish tour funk coupled with the Patchouli oil he uses to cover up said funk?. No wonder Overtly Homoerotic Julio is trying to keep him at bay. I do however dig his shirt for some reason.

7:50 am January, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I got my new seeds from Holland. Purple Grape x Sour Diesel. Going to be some stone going on next winter.

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Potheads

8:01 am January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, like I tell all the young men I counsel, get up in them guts already. Criminy, if I have to read one more sob story of yours I’m gonna beg Rev Chad for more prolapsed uterus tales. And you know I hate those.

8:02 am January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Rev Chad, are you black? If not, then not interested in your crops.

9:15 am January, 14 Eponymous Douche said...

Oh sweet Maria….If only your head was flat. Does anyone know if she files down her teeth?

9:29 am January, 14 The Dude said...

Profeces.

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Word

10:15 am January, 14 DarkSock said...

You are on, Wedgie; the 69’ers are goin’ down quicker than my free bottle of Maker’s.

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Who-Dats.

11:18 am January, 14 tall guy said...

Dreuche, that’s fairly gutsy for me.

11:38 am January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, McCrudeshoes appears to have some confidence when dealing with the ladies, perhaps he has some strategies to share. Yes, strategies is what he called it once. I’ve given you my advice and I would like to add, don’t over think it. Now go gettum! Virtual high fives await upon your return.

11:42 am January, 14 tall guy said...

@Douchble Helix, English is spoken in England. German is spoken in Germany. Variants of both, and perhaps many more languages, can be found elsewhere. Australia has, Not unlike your country, its own version of English. It’s not really proper English, that is to say I would never use the extremely naff though often heard label Australian English. However if you feel an overwhelming need to refer to your butchering of a once great language as American English that is your business.

11:52 am January, 14 tall guy said...

Dreuche, i am thinking of phoning a certain woman of Germanic heritage today and asking her to meet me for coffee. i figure if i phrase it along the lines of ‘i need to speak with you…’ it’ll sound as though it has a business like urgency. Quite bold of me, what? i’ve taken a leaf from your book, the one that says boldness is something i ought to be cultivating. She’s been giving me signals. Or playing the game. Or both. Not sure. But i’m gonna do it! i so am.

ps do you like my use of the lower case i in all my writings? Fairly natty, eh what?

12:43 pm January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, coffee is a great start. As long as she doesn’t work in a coffee shop. I’m excited for you. You’re gonna nail this, and down the road hopefully her as well.

2:25 pm January, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Oh no you don’t, Drueche. I’m no example to follow. That’s like telling a fisherman to get some bait and tackle tips from that nice Mr. Blackbeard.

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Then there’s this “I need to speak with you.” I can’t work with that. Whatever happened to, “it would be nice to see you”? Maybe it will work with a German. I dunno. They tend to get moist if you demand to see their papers.

2:46 pm January, 14 DarkSock said...

2nd quarter and Saints have THREE, almost FOUR, FUCKING FUMBLES? Fuck my life; might as well run to the store and get Wedgie’s Makers at half-time. Sir, the seal may be broken and it may be missing a dram or two.

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Crow-Eaters.

3:26 pm January, 14 tall guy said...

So that’s what i ought to say: “i need to see your papers” Okay.

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