Friday, March 9, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

After Vinnie and his ladies finished dining on crabs, it was time to kick back with a hearty Iced-Tea.

Either that or a urine specimen.

Lots of time in Miami to spend money.

Lots of time.

Too much time.

Time to think about where they went wrong in life.

Misspent youth. Failed dreams. Arteries no longer functioning.

Party!

Here’s your links:

The great suspense writer and long-time HCwDB ‘bag hunter, Harlan Coben, is out with a new book, our HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: Stay Close (Check out pages 13-15 for a tribute to ‘bag hunter terminology)

80s arcade nerds are all growds up.

What the DB1 wants for Hannukah this year.

Rob Gronkowski. Brobaggery? Perhaps. But this is genius, and earns full Athlete Leniency Exemption: Gronk for Madden 2013!

If Hostess Cupcakes ever goes out of business, there may be a solution. Remember kids, it’s not junk food if you bake it at home.

I’m not usually swayed by celebrity endorsements, but if there’s one person who could get me to buy a chocolate bar, it’s Dali.

Sometimes I really miss living in New York.

Happy Spring Break! Las Vegas discovers a new way to cash in..

And while we’re at at, places to avoid: America’s Top Ten Trashiest Spring Break Destinations.

They said he could be anything. So he became a cloud.

But you are not here for douchecloud. You are here for Pear:

Pole Vault Pear

The Olympics will be here before we know it.

# posted by douchebag1
12:52 pm March, 9 Wheezer said...

Is that hottie Alison Strokke—errrrr, Stokke vaulting my pole?

12:55 pm March, 9 Wheezer said...

I was too busy checking out her form instead of the words in the address bar. Yeah, sue me.

1:03 pm March, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

THIS JUST IN

1:21 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

Y’know I’m starting to like Vinnie in a ferrgeddaboudit-kinda way. Sure he’s ‘Bag to the square root of about 189 or something, but he’s cheeky smile brightens my day sometimes.

.

Boob tatts I tell you!

1:24 pm March, 9 Doucheywallnuts said...

I love Miami, but don’t get me started…

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Pole Vault Pear reminds me just how much I love track and field. And by that I mean I need to go ejaculate onto something.

1:39 pm March, 9 The Dude said...

The last time I played golf with Jack, he’d just finished The Bucket List, so he had crazy shit like bangin’ three chicks on his mind. Well, he normally had that on his mind but this time it was special.

.

I digress.

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Jack used to love doin’ blow on the golf course, but the wind had kicked up, so he did a couple of lines on the Four Points golf girl and ripped a driver 265 brotha!

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Ball positions

1:43 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

I can just picture Vinnie at his local back home; formally an elegant Rococo space but now a ghostly museum in leather and wood covered in dusty furnishing dating from the days of prohibition. He’s regularly approached by the hookers who work the joint who say to him, “Good moarning, Mistuh Vinnie, what can i get yuh for yuh breakfast? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!” To which Vinnie invariably replies, “Where’s my fucking hamburger?” It’s a unionised joint and the Food & Beverage Manager, who comes across as a capo from The Godfather, tells the girls to, “Go take a hike…” and to “Stop bothering my best customer!”

1:43 pm March, 9 The Dude said...

Four points. Count ‘em

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/DB9055-716755.jpg

1:49 pm March, 9 army (ret) douche said...

Vinnie again? he is rapidly becoming an oldbag legend

1:52 pm March, 9 jonezy said...

how much credit does DB1 get for the Spawn of Snookie- or I guess Seed of Snookie since it seems to be more of a horror movie type situation?

1:59 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

Dreuche, you’re so old fashioned!

2:01 pm March, 9 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Vinnie and I are very close…sharing similar tastes in fashion, paid to pose hotts, and adult beverages.

.

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Like Vinnie, the Old Choad can barely repress a smile when out-of-his-league fillies surround him and pretend to like his company.

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.Unlike Vinnie, we usually have a double sawbuck in our 44 inch Sansabelts to coax a lap dance out of at least one of them…..

.

.

.Humberts

2:04 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

Oddity re. Vinnie #256 despite a wine drinking heritage he prefers drinking Scotch w/- food. Scotch w/- food? Fergeddaboudit!

.

Also, what’s a sawbuck or a double sawbuck?

2:07 pm March, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

As I recall.

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That girl’s had a fro

Since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole.

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All I got is a couple of summer cottage friends wives that hang around me like that. Cause I have a big cock and they know that we all have too much to lose to get caught in our web of familial and high school sin.

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I’m a bad, bad, man.

2:36 pm March, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmm….. Pole Vault Pear.

3:01 pm March, 9 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

@Tall Guy: A sawbuck is a $10 bill (X being the Latin signifier for the number 10 and also the shape of a sawhorse used to support a table, marble slab, @Rev Chad’s wanger, my ego…whatever…).

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….Hence, a double sawbuck — XX — is the number 20 and thus slang for a twenty dollar bill.

.

.

.That info will cost you a fin (a $5 bill) or a picture of one of your comely Aussie lasses.

.

.

.Humbert Humbert

3:14 pm March, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, I’m so old fashioned I fuck on the first date. Happy Friday everyone.

3:21 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

Dreuche, be honest! On the extremely rare occasions when you can actually prevent isolating in your bedroom at your parents house, you are highly likely to go the the mall and stock up on ham-related consumables.

3:25 pm March, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Nancy would fuck on the first date if:

-there was a first date

-she was a non-man

-her lover was a spider exterminator

-Arby’s closed early

-she found a man who loved to bushwhack the wilds of the Amazon like her Granpappy before him

-she was the last woman? on Earth.

.

Sons

3:31 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

Sprocket, not sure if this counts as comely, but she’s Australian. Have a go at some of the freaks.

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http://www.emeraldcouture.com/

4:24 pm March, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

That Danny DeVito sure has aged well and can still pull some tail.

4:29 pm March, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RevChad, just because my mood swings arent as large and dramatic as yours and I hate cooking doesn’t mean I’m a man. But you’re right about holding out if Arby’s is still open. Got to get a free Beef N’ Cheddar before my cheddar gets beefed, na mean?

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@tall guy, funny you should say that. A new ham shoppe just opened up at my local mall. I had to change my underwear twice after I heard about it.

.

.

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Hamroastbeasts

4:43 pm March, 9 tall guy said...

Dreuche, you wear underwear? Now that’s old fashioned…

5:16 pm March, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Remember Dudes. There are three great cultural occasions in the world. The first is the Haj and I win that fucker every time cause I’m not there with the Mooslems throwing rocks and not bathing. The second is the Superbowl and we all win cause it is just balls out capitalism and no Mooslems except for the ones Homeland security locks up for the month cause of them Heston and Affleck films. The third occurs this week in no other place than the least cosmopolitan city in the world, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan where the hookers have no teeth and if ya know where Regina is, then you’re already fucking gone. The host of this year’s Tim Horton’s Brier, the most ruthless curling slamdown in the world. You can check it out on TSN, Canada’s ESPN eh, and look for the Howard rink from Ontario to beat out Manitoba and the other two teams led by the Koe brothers, rhymes with Bowie from Alberta and the Yukon. I’m all hopped up on Lyrica and Molson for the finals and the Mrs. has put in her best curlers and shaved her ficking feet for the weekend. Good fuckking times!

5:31 pm March, 9 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Gontelmenz,

Gazing upon the three ladies in the background – which would you pick as your target for exercising your prurient interests? They’re all delectable, though I very slightly favor the brunette wench on the right.

I would be curious to hear all your selections.

5:52 pm March, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Et Tu 4:24–I was thinking the same thing. “Is that Danny DeVito?”

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Unfortunately, I have scoured the interwebz and the Techno Viking action figure is a fan-made one-off. There are none to be had anywhere. I’m crying real tears.

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We can always expect Vegas to lower the bar. Look for a topless, lactating Snooki to be photographed there shortly. And if that mental picture hasn’t made you gag, nothing else will.

6:45 pm March, 9 CB Popped said...

Yeah, Snookie’s pregnancy is soon to be in our faces,,,fuck.

Nice cartoon Medusa, ;)

That’s your “Youth Gone Wild” on the subways….high school fucktards. Sometimes those are gang related, there is alot of Blue – Red in this pic.

Everyone thinks Im a cop on the subway. Especially when I act the role.

6:51 pm March, 9 Stephanie said...

Plenty of things to keep us busy if you start collecting photos from Spring Break USA 2012. I’d like to know how children are conceived during this time period. Because we must stop the douches from multiplying and we must put something in the water quickly.

Danny Devito as Martini in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest was great.

6:58 pm March, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie, children are conceived when a man puts his who who diddly in a woman’s cha cha. I feel as if the public school system has failed you.

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@ Medusa, awesome cartoon. Reminds me of this place.

7:07 pm March, 9 Stephanie said...

Who who diddly cha cha? Maybe that’s why you’re not getting it right when you meet a guy. I can send you to a website for that. Or perhaps a pamphlet?

There’s some animal porn on youtube,as well.

7:08 pm March, 9 Stephanie said...

I’m not saying you’re an animal…there’s a lot of that who who cha cha action there. Why are we on this site again?

7:21 pm March, 9 Whoop-di-douche said...

It was nice to peruse the trashiest spring break cities in the US and see our most famous and important ass pear pictured at the number one trashy site, Las Vegas. And while I’m too lazy to go back and look her up (and admire all over again the thread commentary), rest assured, her ginormous buns once again are hoisted in memory of a Dark Sock salute equal to none. Oh, and a gasping spectator’s hole-in-the-head mouth, for another.

7:30 pm March, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie 7:08, I don’t about you but I’m here to impress some idiot about how smart and funny I am. I’ll pass on the animal porn, it was sweet of you to offer though.

7:54 pm March, 9 Lil' Fartknocker said...

DB1…my Steven Seagal with “snapping front-kick action” will kick your Techno Viking’s ass…he even comes with broken pool cues and knives! T.V. don’t stand a chance.

http://cdn2.cagepotato.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/SEAGAL.jpg

8:07 pm March, 9 troy tempest said...

Dear ignorant masses:

.

Peter Bergman, one of the founding members of the Firesign Theatre, died yesterday. He was a fucking genius. Together with the other members they collectively were the closest thing the USA ever came to Shakespeare. Seriously.

.

And most of you fucks probably don’t even know about him or the FT.

.

Well get started. This will take 40 minutes of your life, but it won’t be the same afterwords. So, deal:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtXGKqWz8nU

.

Bear Wiz Beer. HELLO SEEKER!

8:55 pm March, 9 Blah said...

He’s celebrating his successful hemorrhoidectomy. The brunette behind him is removing the bandage.

10:47 pm March, 9 Snooki's fetus said...

file:///Users/ProToolsHD/Desktop/sci-fi-fantasy-peter-cushing-you-da-man.jpg

2:44 am March, 10 Lady Godiva's Piebald said...

i would steal more money than bernie madoff, and steal it from people less equipped to know better, just for the chance to roll it into private equity firms and hedge funds, for the chance to sponsor nationwide fundraising events on large and small and even major sports people care about, all in order to raise enough money to be the official olympiccrack puller of the US olympic team, just for the chance to pull the crack out of everyone’s asses, including the male shot putters, just for the chance to have pole vault pear, who surely can and does pull her own crack(who wouldn’t, like rev chad i would never leave the house) tell me that if i can find her an rc cola and a moonpie in london, she would let me watch a better looking and wealthier man than me, pull the uniform out of her crack while he ironically eyeballs the male shot putters.

because its a cruel fucking world all the way around.

olympians.

3:34 am March, 10 tall guy said...

The World is a cold and heartless place.

5:18 am March, 10 CB Popped said...

I have to take umbrage with Pole Vault Pear……..

Most athletic pear is designed for endurance and, well,,,,pole vaulting.

Athletic pear won’t do it for me. Too muscular.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2214514/marisa_tomei_the_wrestler/

5:21 am March, 10 hermit said...

Early one morning in 1962 Martini fist-fucked Nurse Ratched in the tub room while the Exterminator lay on the basement floor, covered in angry welts, dying a slow, agonizing death from a thousand spider bites.

6:01 am March, 10 Marisa Tomei said...

I’d like to lick my own perfect old ass.

6:18 am March, 10 Et Tu Douche? said...

Right on!!!!!!, the one, the only Hermit has returned. I hope you stay around for awhile as I missed your cunning linguistical styliings.

7:09 am March, 10 hermit said...

Et tu’s Di Vito comparison begat Stephanie’s “Cuckoo’s Nest” reference which summons the acid-drenched spirit of Ken Keysey from it’s resting place just beneath the conscious surface of the human condition.

The tawdry love/hate triangle involving The Rev, Nancy and The Machine still simmers. So all seems in order here.

.

For, after all, The Machine is the ultimate exterminator, not some pathetic middle-aged dullard squirting ineffective poisons at imaginary spiders with a rusted pump sprayer.

8:23 am March, 10 Nancy Dreuche said...

@hermit, welcome back. And since the machine doesn’t bleach its asshole and have wild mood swings I’m gonna have to go with the machine. I’m sure RevChad will be crushed for a day but he has access to the latest in pharm and doobiescueticals to ease the pain.

10:05 am March, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Marisa Tomei is an anomaly. Like a Star Trek: The Next Generation anomaly. Q somehow got involved to disprove the widely held belief that all Meditteranean women turn into ham-beasts at 29. Although there is an anomaly within the anomaly wrapped in a riddle stuffed with a quandery like a grape leaf with lamb and rice. Is she the only thin attractive 47 year-old Meditteranean chick who is still as hot as bong embers because she has a hostile womb or as a result of selective mutations in her genome profile.

10:10 am March, 10 tall guy said...

Dreuche, you have tickets on yourself! Don’t stand in the wind, they might blow off.

10:20 am March, 10 tall guy said...

Kroeger, while Tomei may be the exception to Mediterranean bulge, it is no coincidence that the amply proportioned Dreuche bilge fits snugly into that near enclosed, vast body of water.

10:51 am March, 10 tall guy said...

However on the plus side it is possible to give a Mediterranean woman plastic flowers if they are accompanied by a loaf of crusty bread. However when dining in the home of the Mediterranean woman always remember to sit with you back to the wall. Back to the wall? Ferdeddaouditt!

11:57 am March, 10 Snooki's fetus said...

I remember my first threesome with Jack. Well, it wasn’t an active threesome, he was sippin’ his Bourbon in the corner while I plowed the fields, but my hair wasn’t spikey and I didn’t have any tattoos and I wasn’t wearing any Ed Hardy — actually I wasn’t wearing anything, but I digress. No chest or groin shave, hence no *reveal*, just a horny guy doin’ what we do. Twice.

2:39 pm March, 10 The Dude said...

I must be the only regular contributor to have had enough threesomes with Jack Nicholson to establish a statistical baseline for the what the fucc was I saying? Oh yeah, this dipshit looks like Jack Nicholson

4:47 pm March, 10 Doucheywallnuts said...

Sinatra and I had a threesome with Annette Funichello on her 18th birthday. She was a hairy broad at a time when broads were hairy. Mamma mia! She had a hankering for two guinea cocks from the time she was 15, but back in the day, there was a code. No two guy/one girl gigs until the bird was 18. Frankie Avalon never had made a movie on Annette because he was a full-blown finocchio. Full-blown with a hyphen, I says. Frank went down on her and when he came up for air he had third-degree rug burns on his frenulum that took weeks to heal. I wouldn’t put my face anywheres near that thing, and elected to take the rear entrance. Frank made her wear the mouse ear hat thoughout the event, climaxing in the left one.

7:18 pm March, 10 Nostradouchus said...

Uncle Largeman. Uncle VIncent Largeman.

8:47 pm March, 10 The Dude said...

Finocchio. I’m never eating pasta again

.

Well, maybe some angel hair pasta. Just sounds triple x, so that’s on my ‘Fuck It’ list

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