Saturday, September 29, 2012

Comment of the Week: Mr. Scrotato Head

Mr. Scrotato Head brings epic mock and breaks down the backstory on the Tapout Family, winning the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

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I know, I know what you’re thinking Ronnie. If only you’d gone out for the football team as a freshman instead of playing trombone in the marching band. If only you’d bought that home gym instead of the BlackNaga 2000 tower PC with the AckAck graphics card and 20-inch monitor. If only you’d listened to your dad, who said you should run far far away, instead of your mom, who said you should start school at the local community college and get all the general classes out of the way. If only you hadn’t hit the club with the other salesmen and flashed all that cash from your first quarter bonus payment for being Scion Peon of the Month at Schmidtweiser Scion and Subaru. If only you’d had maybe five beers instead of eight. If only you’d looked the other way when Jenna from billing and license plates smiled at you in her too-tight tank and her too short skirt with the oh my gawd holy white triangle flashing every time she shifted in her seat. If only, dear God in heaven, if only you hadn’t given up on trying to open that condom wrapper as the two of you fumbled around in the backseat of your loaner Scion with the speakers thumping and visions of guinea pigs in matching track suits with bling and backwards hats giving you the thumbs up exploding in your head.

I know Ronnie, I know. If only you’d made those choices. Because if you had, instead of wearing a Tap Out shirt and looking like you’ve clearly checked out, you’d be in the octagon, ripped and raging, wrapped in tats neck to nads making the other asshole tapout.

If only, Ronnie, if only. In the meantime, try to smile sincerely when Jenna tells you this time she’s really going to lose those last few pounds of pregnancy pooch. And for hell’s sake would it kill you to clean up after the dogs once in a while?

——————-

# posted by douchebag1
12:49 pm September, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

The man is a legend and it warmed my soul. May his snifter of Brandy always be full and may his views of the Wasatch range, from his study, be majestic and inspirational.

1:18 pm September, 29 The Dude said...

Poetry, no lotion.

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Xclnt work, Scro

1:56 pm September, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I missed that one first time around while Dark Sock was schooling me on acronyms. Great mock Scrotato and may your spawling suburban ranch stay safe from the many forest fires I hope don’t cross your door in the future. And may hookers never leave incriminating evidence in your pants next time you’re in Montreal.And by incriminating evidence, I mean butt plugs.

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This lady wanted to chime in on Utah.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpAOwJvTOio

2:56 pm September, 29 Douchble Helix said...

Great job!

4:26 pm September, 29 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Quite the mockety mock, Scrotato.

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I know you just watched the Buckeyes escape East Lancing, Michigan with that 1 point win. Jebus, I would clean the doody out of my underware but I’m too drunk… And because I’m not wearing underware and couch coushins are really hard to clean.

4:44 pm September, 29 Charles Douchewin said...

If only Ronnie could read this mock, all might not be lost for him.

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Nicely written Mr. Scrotato Head!

4:53 pm September, 29 Charles Douchewin said...

In my head, I just flippantly titled this pic “Fear and loathing in douchvegas”.

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But I couldn’t stand looking at tat-man, so I looked past him, and noticed the architectural style of those houses (crappy), and their proximity to the “beach”. Which may terminate in a sea wall. Which make me wonder if this was taken in (my homeland), New Jersey.

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Possibly Sea Bright, or some other unfortunate place on Ocean Avenue.

5:24 pm September, 29 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Every Scrotato mock is weekly worthy, but it is good to see this entry honored.

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The above photo is unlikely to be in Sea Bright as there is a huge sea wall that would block the view of the homes from the beach. Although the douche/bleeth combo smells like Jerz.

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And Big Ten football is to football what douches are to humanity. LSU’s QB has a Semitic sounding surname, which may be why he sucks. Why does the ESPN now include obscure English Soccer League team scores in their crawl? McDonalds commercials are geared towards slacker losers and other sub humans and yet they have served billions; good recipe for success.

8:28 pm September, 29 Troy Tempest said...

good mockage, there Scrotato. good mockage!

12:51 am September, 30 Scroteophobic said...

I read the first sentence as “I know, I know what you’re thinking Rome” and expected a rant about the breakdown of the values instilled in people by the Imperium. It took a surprisingly long time for my head to adjust.

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