Saturday, December 1, 2012

Comment of the Week: Vin Douchal

V.D. breaks down the Asshole McAssholewitz pairing and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:

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These two are great. An Inland Empire love story

Soon, Karyn, the Slots Area waitress at Fitzgeralds, will decide that her eggs ain’t getting any stronger, what with the meth use, bad nutrition and long list of questionable sex partners and realize that maybe she’s ready to snare a mate.

She’ll have her IUD secretly taken out and McAssholewitz becomes “The Choice”. She loves the feel of sitting behind him on his Yamaha 240 He’s got a job, well sorta, as he is the bar back at the big strip club. He takes home well over $30 a night in shared tips on top of his minimum wage salary and at least there’s a health insurance plan (although the $5000 yearly deductible seems like Mt Everest).

She realizes after six months that she should be pregnant by now so at the free clinic she signs up for an experimental fertility treatment touted as “Las Vegas’ Most Discreet Planned Parenthood Office”. BOOM!, the treatment works and twins are on the way

The happy day arrives as McAssholewitz, awful tattoos sprouting out around the delivery room scrub shirt, sees his two spawn for the first time, both girls to his dismay

They name them “Hashtag” and Retweet” . His dispair knows no bounds as the screaming is multiplied exponentialy with every smelly diaper, spit up incident and 4:00 A.M. feeding

He leaves her, moving back with his buddies in Rubidoux. Her four month old poo and wailing machines drive her to the point of exhaustion until finally she is forced to move back home with her dissapointed mother, a school cafeteria worker in the Jurupa School District. She weighs 84 pounds

The D.A. of Riverside County spends the next 17 years and 8 months chasing McAssholewitz for child support payments and suspends his drivers license every other month.

McAssholewitz, now a spent, talentless, terribly ugly, friendless, unemployable middle aged lump of his former self signs the back of his $223 welfare check then says “Screw it” and eats the barrel of a .45 in his 400 square foot basement apartment in Moreno Valley. The M.E. team jokes about ” a helluva wall splatter.

—————–

# posted by douchebag1
12:46 pm December, 1 Mr. Biggs said...

My college buddy is the son of a Riverside Country probation officer. I can testify to the veracity of this story. We were talking about Riverside meth crime nearly 20 years ago.

1:16 pm December, 1 Tits McGee said...

Well done, Vin… well done.

1:17 pm December, 1 FredN. said...

Holy cow. I can’t believe I missed this originally. Fantastic work, Vin.

2:51 pm December, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

A deliciously obscene worldview.

@Et Tu

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What are we betting on this week?

4:27 pm December, 1 Charles Douchewin said...

Well written, Vin! I particularly loved the names of the twins.

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This picture is a Friedmanesque nightmare of consumer driven market-niche existence.

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Does her Bra say “Candy Mam”?

5:01 pm December, 1 jonezy said...

Well, obviously

5:14 pm December, 1 Vin Douchal said...

Thank you one and all. Just got back from throwing a rousing Chuck E Cheese party for my little bagtagger’s birthday.

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Those things ain’t cheap and when the parents of 25 kids RSVP and only 12 show up, well, I still gotta pay for 25…. $400 bucks later and two cardboard UpChuck E’s pizzas left over I want to stick my finger down my throat and “Get the poison out of my system”

5:41 pm December, 1 Et Tu Douche? said...

This, folks, is why Vin D is the man although I would’ve voted for his epic treatise on MILF Karyn as seen here.

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2012/11/29/justin-biebers-douchier-twin-gets-lucky-with-his-friends-hot-mom/

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@Rev

Giants giving 2.5 to Redskins or Baltimore giving 8 to the banged up Stillers. Let me know, as it stands I’m down $20CDN?

10:23 pm December, 1 Billy Scrotebag said...

Blowfish Tokio Miyagi.

1:52 am December, 2 The Dude said...

I think I need some sex therapy. I’m considering the counselors on the “Date a Married Woman” ad on facebook for treatment. I just can’t get it up for tatted quartasian purple-hair giggirl, even if I imagine that her bra is edible and she’ll give me a back rub. Oh wait, the back rub could seal the seal. I’ll conclude this opinion later.

11:38 am December, 2 creature said...

Dude, just think of playing dong tom-toms on her bongos…always works for me

4:02 pm December, 2 DixieRecht said...

One of the best. I’m still laughing even after reading it for the 20th time!

7:58 am December, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Magnificent phraseology.

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“The happy day arrives as McAssholewitz, awful tattoos sprouting out around the delivery room scrub shirt, sees his two spawn for the first time, both girls to his dismay.

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They name them “Hashtag” and Retweet” . His dispair knows no bounds as the screaming is multiplied exponentialy with every smelly diaper, spit up incident and 4:00 A.M.”

9:59 am December, 3 Captain Canuck said...

I’ve sent that story around to everyone I know. So far no responses, but that doesn’t take away from the brilliance of the insights, the majesty of the writing, and the intensity of the emotions evoked by that story.

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