Monday, December 3, 2012
HCwDB of the Month: Mutato the Bug-Eye Freak and Sister Christie
It wasn’t a full month, so no vote, but Mutato’s inflated douche-everything and the perfect shoulder suckle of Sister Christie are a worthy final entrant in our 2012 Douchie Awards, which start in a week.
Get ready.
Bring it.
And if ya wanna write one of the categories and give out an award, drop your humb narrs a line.
Domo origato Mr Mutato.
DOMO *domo* {echo’d gay keyboard riff}
In other urgent news: North Korean despot Kim Jung-Un is trying to compete with the legacy of Samurai Scrote:
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“North Korea Says It’s Found a ‘Unicorn Lair'” – US News
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“According to the tough-to-believe report, the Academy of Social Sciences “reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom,” who ruled the area between 37 and 19 B.C.
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The news is just the latest in a series of myths trumpeted by North Korean news sources: They had previously reported that Kim Jong was born beneath a double rainbow and that a new star appeared when he was born, that Jong learned to walk at three weeks old, and shot a round of golf that included 11 holes-in-one.”
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If these facts are true…then Kim Jong is the fourth horseman of the douchepocalypse, riding abreast with Samurai Scrote, Xenu and, to a lesser extent, Chuck Norris.
Kim Jung-Un ingested a honey badger when he was 8.
Kim Jung-Un invented coitus.
Kim Jung-Un invented the spork, and finger-banging. At the same time.
Kim Jung-Un can ride bicycles underwater for 7 minute stretches.
Kim Jung-Un lactates Cherry Pepsi.
Kim Jung-Un shaves his balls with a live gar.
Kim Jung-Un can run faster uphill than Usain Bolt.
Kim Jung-Un was principal songwriter for 4 of the BeeGee’s hits.
Kim Jung-Un counseled Kurt Cobain to end his life.
Kim Jung-Un punted a bear cub into low earth orbit.
Kim Jung-Un downloads BJ’s from iTunes.
Kim Jung-Un has decreed that North Korean TV only broadcast reruns of “BJ and The Bear” until further notice.
Kim Jung-Un has had the toilets in the main palace compound replumbed with buttermilk in lieu of egg nog.
Kim Jung-Un drives a ’94 Kia Sephia covered in smashed assholes.
Kim Jung-Un uses mohair condoms.
Kim Jung-Un has a penis resembling David Carradine.
Kim Jung-Un can hover in place up to 13″ above congoleum flooring if no one is looking.
Kim Jung-Un has a throwing cockk that he has killed 5 men, two transgender bartenders and 15 Hungarian goats with.
When Kim-Jung-Un deficates he doesn’t need to wipe.
Kim Jung-Un wants to date Bristol Palin so he can meet Sarah’s retarded baby.
Kim Jung-Un can tear a New York City phone book in half using nothing more than a gas-powered log splitter.
Kim-Jung Un had the head of his penis re-shingled.
Kim Jung-Un ice skates on the underside of the ice.
When Kim Jung-Un pulls out the cervix and uterus comes out with him.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite pair of speed skates is white babies.
Kim Slope-Un doesn’t do anal, anal does him.
Kim-Jung Un looks under his couch pillows for cocks.
The North Korean Air Force uses Kim Jung-Un’s 4th testicle as their aerodrome.
Kim Jing-Un looks at Stalin’s victims list and says, “I can beat that.”
Kim-Jung Un is a reincarnated glazier.
Kim Jung-Un uses a 1964 VW Beetle as a cockk ring.
Kim Jung-Un spent his youth as a bog limnologist.
Kim Jung-Un has successfully bred a line of cantaloupes with a clitoris.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite meal is raw toast.
Kim-Jung Un hired Elizabeth Berkley for his father’s last lap dance.
Kum Jung-In flosses with the tendons of his political enemies.
Kim Jung-Un paints his toenails with his own stem cells.
Kim-Jung Un keeps his Elvis clones well fed.
Every single one of Kim Jung-Un’s red blood cells has a tiny cock and balls.
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Every single one.
Kim Jung-Un was once confused with a bucket of shit until the bucket was removed.
Kim-Jung Un takes his bodyguards temperature with his tongue.
Kim Jung-Un has Michael Jackson’s bleached asshole carefully preserved in a mason jar full of Taaka vodka.
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He’s had it since 1998.
Kim Jung-Un does not like potatoes looking at him while he is naked.
Kim Jung-Un would hit it.
Kim Jung-Un’s blood type is grout.
Kim-Jung Un fired a rocket at the moon, from his ass.
Kim Jung-Un’s played Po in the Teletubbies children’s television show.
Kim Jung-Un’s safe word is “ManTitty”.
Kim-Jung Un knows that RUSH is the greatest band in the world.
Kim Jung-Un is in a hardcore punk band called “The Skate-Nigs”.
Kim Jung-Un’s thighs are embroidered with Naugahyde.
Kam Jung-Um played Short Round in the second Indiana Jones movie.
Kim Jung-Un’s original name as a child was “Pu-Pu Di-Pah”.
Kim Jung-Un can fit 4 light bulbs in his asshole.
Kin Jumg-Uun produced a version of The Karate Kid where he killed the kid and raped his mother with a jar of Kimchee.
Kim-Jung Un read the Atkin’s Diet and killed his doctor.
Kim Jung-Un has detachable throwing star nipples, and his asshole doubles as a garret.
Kim-Jung Un thinks Will Smith’s kids are cool.
Kim Jung-Un’s small toes are actually transplanted dolphin clitorises.
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Clitorii?
Kim-Jung Un puts the lotion in the basket or he gets the hose.
Kam Jing-Un hides precious Twinkies in the folds between his belly and his under-sized raisin cock.
Kim Jung-Un developed the Ham Grenade for use against a possible Muslim invasion.
Kim Jung-Un only fucks sheep that have had the full Brazilian wax.
Kim-Jung Un is building a super-satellite, to watch Canadian football.
Kim Jung-Un plays golf with the Pope each Thursday.
Kim Jung-Un made his dad into an ashtray.
Kim Jang-Un challenged Jackie Chan to a dance off and Chris Tucker said to both of them, “Don’t you understand the words that are coming out of my mouf?”
Kim Jeng-Un invented a Gatorade flavor that tastes like unborn babies.
Kim Jung-Un had a new oven installed in his pantry.
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It seats 50.
Kim Jung-Un signed Grover Norquist’s pledge. Then broke it.
This is one busy dude
Kim-Jung Un will have to wait whike I go for pizza with a very stoned Lenny.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite meat is cancer.
Kim Jung-Un threw a dinner party for Little Kim, Kim Basinger, Kim Kardashian, Kim Catrall, and Kim Novak and fucked them all in a vat of Chicken and Poached Edd Soup.
Kim Jung-Un’s preferred weapon in hand-to-hand combat is Moose Cockk.
Kim Jung-Un can see through cellophane.
Kim Jung-Un has everyone bowel movement weighed, calipered and filed away.
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Just in case.
Kim Jung-Un bought some Thai Stick from Lenny the Box and ate 14 boxes of Tastycake crimpets with butterscotch icing after.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite seasoning is toothpaste – minty gel.
How many women does it take to satisfy Kim Jung-Un?
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Trick question, KimJungUn never satisfied.
Kim Jung-Un can pull a Buick transmission using only a butter knife and a can of monkey dicks.
When Kim Jung-Un gives a woman head, it is usually the head of the previous girl he fucked.
Kim Jung-Un once beat TV’s Patrick Duffy in a knife fight.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite sexual treat is sodomy.
Kim Jung-Un feels like a bar of prison soap.
When Kim Jung-Un is feeling particularly kinky he lets his partner live.
Kim Jung-Un’s torso is one big cankle.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite chair is in Natchez, MS. He is unaware of this.
Kim Jung-Un fertilizes his crops with kittens.
Kim Jung-Un has a team of scientist reverse-engineering water.
Kim Jung-Un plays real life Call of Duty against unarmed children.
Kim Jung-Un uses grapeshot for crowd control.
Kim Jung-Un has dentures made from varnished cockroaches.
Kim Jung-Un has never made his own sandwich.
Kim Jung-Un has sent out assassins to finally reunite The Beatles.
Kim Jung-Un’s milk shake is better than yours.
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Damn right, it’s better than yours.
Kim Jung-Un has beard growth on his brain and spinal cord.
Kim Jung-Un’s navel smells like Camembert cheese, BO and human viscera.
Kim Jung-Un keeps chunks of his victims under his 3 inch long toe and fingernails.
Kim Jung-Un has a mole on his back that speaks 5 languages, can make a chocolate soufflé and is in the shape of Heidi Klum’s duodenum.
Kim Jung-Un played bass in Cake during the late 90’s.
Kim Jung-Un made a wallet out of his foreskin.
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He is uncircumcised.
Why do communist tailors insist on hemming pants like it’s still the 1980s?
Kim Jung-Un has an army of fleas.
Kim Jung-Un’s peen is made of welded steel.
Kim Jung-Un knows all the words to the Star Spangled Banner, and sings it every time he has an orgasm.
Kim Jung-Un runs the only 7-11 in North Korea.
Kim Jung-Un is a genius at disguise. Normally, he is known as Brad Pitt, except on Thursdays he becomes Ke$ha.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite tire iron was signed by Tonya Harding.
Kim Jung-Un’s alter ego is Psy. Perhaps you have seen his video.
(Samurai Scrote / Kim Jong-Un) x Chuck Norris = 0
Kim Jong-Un invented a super-cannon which can fire clones of Donkey Douche into Seoul once per second.
Kim Jung-Un’s belts are all Möbius strips.
Kim Jung-Un is the highlander, but Sean Connery still comes over for drinks every wednesday.
Kim Jung-Un, because of his exposure to Sean Connery, calls his female assistant “Mish Munney-Penneh”.
Kim Jung-Un has 53 titties, and a bitch ain’t one.
Kim Jung-Un has a bicycle made out of mulattoes. Respect.
Kim Jung-Un owns a cat shit mortar.
Kim Jung-Un saves his ejaculate in a 3 liter RC Cola bottle.
Kim Jung-Un can swim uphill.
Kim Jung-Un owns the corpse of the actor that played Cooter on Dukes of Hazzard.
Kim Jung-Un has a pool cue made of ape shit.
Kim Jung-Un MUST EAT GRAIN.
Kim Jung-Un is currently leasing Indiana.
Kim Jung-Un has a uvula in his forehead.
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite porn parody is “The Vulva-Teen Hobbit”.
Kim Jung-Un is on a mutherfuccen BOAT
Kim Jung-Un’s favorite porn parody is “The Poon/Cockk Taints”.
Kim Jung Un swallows aluminium foil and spits out transmission fluid.
Kim Jung Un wears welding gloves and go-go boots.
Kim Jung Un smokes method cigarettes during sex.
Kim Jung Un never burps in public restrooms.
Kim Jung Un uses vinyl siding for Christmas decorations.
Kim Jung Un enjoys quiet, rainy afternoons among the company of well-educated antelope.
Kim Jung Un played a minor part in an episode of Love Boat.
Kim Jung Un has the entire Matlock series on VHS.
Kim Jung Un calls his girlfriend “Juicy Lucy.” But never to her face.
Kim Jung-Un wears fur, expecting PETA will send naked activists to North Korea.
Kim Jung-Un may not be smart, but he is ugly.
Kim Jung-Un can see through his eyelids.
Kim Jung-Un can see through your eyelids.
Kim Jung-Un regularly prank calls Barack Obama with an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard.
Kim Jung Un’s ringtone is the sound of one hand clapping.
Kim Jung Un bumped into Patrick Swayze in WalMart and politely excused himself.
Kim Jung-Un refuses to recognize South Dakota or South Carolina as valid states.
Kim Jung Un can’t listen to Red Sovine’s “Giddyup Go” without gently weeping.
Kim Jung-Un has a steel pole bath tub.
Someone must post this on 4chan. A fantastic burst of creative genius on a site, unfortunately, past its prime.
Kim Jung-Un uses raccoon labia for bus fare
Kim Jung-Un requires honor roll students to donate skin grafts for his NATO Rolodex
Kim Jung-Un bowled a 400 once. In water polo. With darts
Kim Jung-Un delivers gifts to orphans every Christmas. The gift is execution.
Unless you’ve been naughty. Then they get dried seminal fluid. On the severed head of his latest mistress
Kim Jung-Un is the most interesting man in his world.
Kum Jing-Poon anchored the 1996 N Korean Bukkakee relay team. They placed dead flacid
Kim Jung-Un looks at Angel’s 3:20 pm post and says “Hi, Nancy…U mad, Bro?”
