Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Miami Douchetini

How to mix the drink that’s sweeping the Nation:
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Mix in a shaker:

two tablespoons of L.A. Looks Hair Gel
Four Oz. Axe Bodyspray
a dash of pool water

Sprinkle with shiftlessness and too much Wii, and serve with a mint julep.
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EDIT: Art historian Reader Mike notices the aesthetic and formal composition similarities between The Miami Douchetini and Rafael’s “The Holy Family.”

HCwDB of the Week

It was a relatively benign week last week for toxic HCwDB, but three decent finalists emerged to vie for the Weekly. Since your narrator spent much of it drunken, unshaven, and stumbling around under the Brooklyn Bridge trying to find his keys, it’s a miracle he’s even up in time to write today’s Weekly.

But he is. And that foot is me.

Here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Bandaidto

Quality Alba Hottness doesn’t come along that often, so when it does, we should sacrifice a goldfish to Buddha and then flagellate ourselves with chicken feathers to honor her buttocks.

She is Latina Goodness.

He’s a gangsta wannabe with a bandaid that looks like it was perfectly placed above the sunglasses-at-night to achieve a level of authentic gangsta toughness.

For that, he is to be Hello Kittied somewhere in Osaka by a gang of Yakuza.

I have nothing more to add, except that it appears someone is performing a colonoscopy on someone else on the monitor in the back.

One should really wear surgical gloves before performing a colonoscopy on TV. Otherwise it sends a bad message to the kids.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Purple Lips and Carmen

Some argue the “Gaybag Exception” applies here. Gaybag Exceptions were a concept developed on the site in 2007 to describe the fact that gay performative douchosity in presense of the hott lacks the true rage-inducing dialectics since gay/hott offers no legitimate threat of hott pollution.

I refuse to grant the G.E. in this case.

Something tells me Purple Lips knows what he’s doing. The flaming hair, the douche-scarf + Rosary beads, and the table cloth shirt suggest too much clash to be authentogayery.

He is het. And as such, working the signifiers of gay subculture to achieve mass culture dominance, he is the HCwDB equivalent of the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Carmen is delightful, even with the cheesy hair extensions. She is bashful and bronze and I would fondle her best friend’s collection of vintage Cabbage Patch Dolls until she kicked me out of her house.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spring Break ‘Bag

This was taken by a reader, and it also features that prime category of ‘bag of whose categorization is the site’s main purpose.

So for those two reasons I decided to give Breaky and Captain Morgana their shot in the Weekly.

Do not underestimate the primal douche signifiers in this pic.

The suckle abs on the Sorority Hott. The dual hand gestures + douche-lips on the Fratchoad. Mandana. Jesus tatt.

All around a prime case of all that is douche/hott in the universe, and all that needs to be mocked.

So them’s your three. Which rises to the top? And by top, I mean bottom. And by bottom, I mean ass pear.

Dishonorable mention to Kurt’s Florida Tag, lacking only facial specificity to make the weekly, and the craptastic The White Shadow, which just missed the cut. Honorable mention to Hot Peeps with Peepbags, which was tasty marshmallow boobie suckle thigh goodness and fake yellow tans.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Stereodouchtonic Twin Saturday

One half of the legendary HCwDB Superheroes and Hall of Scrote enshrinees, The Stereodouchetonic Twins, is making his wonderdouche activate as we speak.

STD #1 is scrotally superior in every aspect.

Only the truly superhuman ‘bag can turn orange, pull off a pink tank-top, and have a fantasically chewably sexy bikini hott drapped across him without distracting his focus on the camera to capture his power in action.

Stereodouchetonic Twin #1 is so powerful, so douche-inspiring, he renders a 10 Degree Hat Tilt Fratchoad practically irrelevant in his wake.

Do not doubt his douchal supremacy. Nor the whiteness of his teeth.

Point Break

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1

It is on. The 2008 Douchie Awards begin today.

The moment where you determine the outstanding hottie/douchey pics of the past year. Here’s your finalists for the first Bracket in the HCwDB of the Year Category:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket #1): Tighty Armani

Way back in early April, the douchey metal chained tight t-shirt smirk-wearing T.A. wormed his way into our collective trauma by headlocking a Doe Blonde of Angelic Hottness.

In addition to the smirking douche-face, T.A. brought the “scissors” hand gesture, and a Toolshed best friend, Bob.

T.A.’s win was not a fluke.

He made numerous other appearances over the year confirming his choadery, as seen here, here, here, here, and here.

T.A. brings that clueless “Bra-esque” fratchoad quality, as well as a tasty blonde hott as counter-balance. His mug is punchworthy, and she is delectable.

A true hottie/douchey coupling worthy of the Finals.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket #1): Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly

Unlike T.A.’s body of work, Droopy McScrote has only has a singular body. Of sag. Only one pic on the site. But one is all you need to cause the “Collective Regurg.”

He is all that is creepy, awkward and stretch-marked as guys old enough to know better try to look “gangsta” to hang on to a distant, fading youth. It’s over, Droopy. Over.

With awkward tatts, rings, hand gestures, red underwear and all sorts of indecipherable bling, Droopy was an instant sensation when he first appeared on the site back in July to win a Monthly.

His taint has not subsided.

And what of Surfer Kelly? She of the perfect tanned munchable stomach, perfectly curved arms, delightfully strong legs, and wonderful smile?

She is all that is Healthy in Copenhagen. He is all that is Poo in Peoria.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket #1): Acey Douchey

A fraud?

A fake?

Perhaps.

A douche? Certainly.

The Monthly winner in October, Acey Douchey has engendered significant debate about the potential for fakedouchery to remain legitimate as douchewankery.

Can someone who has gone to this much trouble to look like a choad while mugging two chiquita hotts still qualify as legitimately ass-kick-worthy?

The debate will rage on, but Acey Douchey has made it this far.

And now he’s up for HCwDB of the Year.

Will he win? Is the money + Belvedere + Kissy Lips + Single Glove + Gun(!) be enough to take the whole enchilada? Is sexy/sweet White Bikini Senorita getting paid by the hour to pose with this tool, or is she on a flat rate? We shall see.

So them’s your first bracket. Two more brackets to come to determine the final three. Remember to consider both extreme hottery and rancid douchery in each pic in dialectic, in conversation, before rendering your judgment.

Which of these three deserves to win Bracket 1 and make it as a Finalist in next week’s final HCwDB of the Year vote? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread. And let the Douchies begin.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As I reconsider Cornell’s admissions policy, these links should keep your head spinning well into Friday afternoon and ready for cocktails by 4:30:

HCwDB Hall of Scrote legend Yellowtail returns, this time ditching the hotts for, bizarrely, Jason Giambi. Yes, that’s Yellowtail with Jason Giambi.

Bra!!!!!!

Mad Men’s Peyton List makes me want to gnaw my arm into a Cronenbergian bloody stump.

Hot Chicks with Kangaroos

A bunch of fratchoads at Rutgers get ready for a night on the town. Later that night, they score. Must’ve been the bodyspray.

At Neptune’s, The ‘Bags Dance Sideways (warning: minimal hott counterbalance)

One-Pac

Oh Tiny Dancer Hott, with your dual Ubiquitous Red Cup action, your New Wave Tie and your hint of pokey red satin bra.

Be warned.

What lurks in the night is not a monster from your darkest childhood fears.

What lurks in the night is actually some goofy-ass white suburban fratchoad wearing the douchiest manifest of all — the 2-Pac Shirt underneath the partially removed football jersey.

I repeat: White Guys in 2-Pac shirts with partially removed football jerseys. Douche 4 Eva.

And with tumbler in wristdanna’d hand, One-Pac will come for you. So beware his chin-pubes, Tiny Dancer. For they are very tickley.

Oh yeah, and his friend Frank came, too. But no one pays attention to Frank.

Spitzer? I Hardly Know Her

PIC DELETED

In my continuing quest to be groundbreaking here at HCwDB, all while sitting around in my underwear and scratching myself, a reader brings us a look at the Spitzer Call Girl in hard partying fratchoad action.

Yep, there she is. Not sure which one she is. But she’s one of these two.

There was no doubt that when not banging elected officials for coin, this girl was giving it up for free to the frat-douche.

Where's Peaches?

Somewhere in this Tiki Hut lineup of Miller Lite pounding fratchoads, I’ve carefully hidden Hall of Scrote legend, Peaches.

Look closely.

Can you point at him?

Best Golden Globes: Boobies Spake Zarathustra

Man, if I’d known this pic was winning a 2007 Douchie, I would’ve picked a less clumsy name.

Perhaps we should just refer to her boobies as The Ubermams.

And, of course, we must extrapolate that pillow #2 is as perfect as pillow #1. Unfortunately Tonguey McFratchoad is blocking our view.

And attempting a half-hearted “shocker” behind her head. Someone needs to weed whack his head with a damp cloth and a brillo pad.

But this award is about Golden Globes.

And they are so very golden.

And globey.

Mmmm.

Boobies.