Ask DB1: Why?….
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DB1,
I visit your site often, and it never fails to make me laugh out loud.
While I’m laughing, I’m crying inside. You must have asked yourself this: why do the hots seem to be so irresistibly attracted to scrote? Why? WHY??
I didn’t see the answer I seek in your FAQs. Is it pheromones? Is it temporary shifts in the space-time continuum? Does God indeed have a wicked sense of humor?
I just don’t understand. Please help me….
Regards,
Big Billy Bag
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This excellent question is expounded upon in far greater detail in my book, BBB, but the short answer is the simplest one. Our sexuality is not innate. We flatter ourselves into thinking we determine the course of our attractions, but these impulses are tribally guided.
Douche culture, by definition, requires endless repetition of spectacle as the eternally profitable product of nostalgia as newness. A copy of a copy of a copy of an echo. A brand name spokes-wheel of a reflection of recycled and reappropriated nostalgic pop poopie diaper. Quality? Irrelevant. Famous for being famous is all that matters. Fifteen minutes of greased up hair follicle entwined in the endless maze of two mirrors reflecting endlessly the vacuity of the soul.
Originality, be it in thought or expression, threatens the framework. Thus repetitive recycling offers safety, comfort and spectacle without the radical danger of risking the golden financial rainbow at the end of the megacorp product line. To use what’s come before as the razzle dazzle of what is new again offers the well worn path of instant success through Pop Idol framework set by Coca-Cola advertising shift.
In our media saturated age, we turn bodies into billboard. We brand ourselves with tattoos, piercings and designer clothing to enter the endless ADHD competition to hold an attention suffering from eternal distraction.
The douche is simply one who self-brands through the corporate culture of logo. The hott cannot rise out of the framework to regain control of her buying impulses. For she has already been indoctrinated through a lifetime of advertisement-triggered purchasing instincts. And thus, she seeks the peen attached to the product she’s told she wants every day through the cacophonous corporate shock doctrine.
The "I was Dressing Up for a Jersey Shore Party" Excuse
Note to “ironic” Situations, Snookis and J-Woww’s the world over:
Dressing up as a douche for a Jersey Shore party is not an excuse.
You’re still a douche.
EDIT: A number of ‘bag hunters are raising legitimate counterpoints in the thread, suggesting dress-up may still be a potent form of visual mock. Although I question the “irony” in many of these cases, the counter-points are well argued. I will meditate on this. And on boobies.
The “I was Dressing Up for a Jersey Shore Party” Excuse
Note to “ironic” Situations, Snookis and J-Woww’s the world over:
Dressing up as a douche for a Jersey Shore party is not an excuse.
You’re still a douche.
EDIT: A number of ‘bag hunters are raising legitimate counterpoints in the thread, suggesting dress-up may still be a potent form of visual mock. Although I question the “irony” in many of these cases, the counter-points are well argued. I will meditate on this. And on boobies.
The Wizard of Noz
Top Gun aviators? Check.
Ed hardy + bling? Check.
Zomborific douche-face? Check.
Dorothy, you’re not in Kansas anymore. So be careful! Toto’s an 80s rock band and the Flying Monkeys have the lip herp.
Ask DB1: Apolo Ohno, 'Bag or Nottabag?
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hey boss,
does wearing a mandana while competing, with a soul patch & a laminated grill make speed skating/dancing with the stars sensation, Apolo Ohno, a douche?
all that coupled with his less than gracious demeanor during his post medal winning interview (walking off when the reporter turned her attention to fellow U S teammate, bronze winner, J. R. Celski) is Apollo a bag or notta bag?
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Performative leniency is granted to those who douche it up as part of theatrical spectacle only. Those in the WWE, or musicians like Keith Richards or Jack White, who use spectacle as part of performance.
Ohno has no such excuse. An olympian or not, that chin fung alone can lead us to one, and only one: Douche Skater.
Ask DB1: Apolo Ohno, ‘Bag or Nottabag?
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hey boss,
does wearing a mandana while competing, with a soul patch & a laminated grill make speed skating/dancing with the stars sensation, Apolo Ohno, a douche?
all that coupled with his less than gracious demeanor during his post medal winning interview (walking off when the reporter turned her attention to fellow U S teammate, bronze winner, J. R. Celski) is Apollo a bag or notta bag?
— creature
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Performative leniency is granted to those who douche it up as part of theatrical spectacle only. Those in the WWE, or musicians like Keith Richards or Jack White, who use spectacle as part of performance.
Ohno has no such excuse. An olympian or not, that chin fung alone can lead us to one, and only one: Douche Skater.
Dimples O'Sagg
Because while Dimples O’Sagg’s all Asian Blink 182 tribute band, Asbestos Flaygon, may convince Kelly Hott to spend time in his trailer kitchen, the pants sag is inexcusable.
I just punched a narwhal in the testes then gargled a petunia.
Dimples O’Sagg
Because while Dimples O’Sagg’s all Asian Blink 182 tribute band, Asbestos Flaygon, may convince Kelly Hott to spend time in his trailer kitchen, the pants sag is inexcusable.
I just punched a narwhal in the testes then gargled a petunia.
The Table Pirate
Arrr!!! Me club is off the proverbial hook!!! Arrr!!!
Five sexy ladies and me douche on a table!!…Arrr… Yo hoes hoes!! And a bottle of Kristal!!
Arrr!!…
Yup. No idea what I’m saying today.
I blame Woo Kimmy’s second from left slatherable gnaw legs for driving my lizard brain to distraction.
Arrr…
Spunky Pooster
Spunky Pooster, his z-axis hat tilt, and his gaggle of Dixie Chicks lookalikes (plus Joe, who no one really notices anway so don’t worry if you didn’t notice him), wanted to come by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Sure it’s a national holiday today.
But that’s no excuse not to vote.
If the ‘bags are still hot groping, you should still be mocking.
Get some.
