Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Year: Smoot and Crystal

What more can be said, as we crown our HCwDB couple for 2009?

Only that our voting thread was epic deconstruction, and should be studied by talmudic scholars for many years to come.

Smoot and Crystal. Cystal and Smoot.

All that is hottie/douchey and douchey/hottie about our world we live in in 2009.

The run begins, followed by pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.

A well earned prize of superdouchosity and tasty hottitude.

Well done, everyone. Except Smoot’s parents.

Here are your 2009 Douchie Award Winners:

Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
Douchiest Tattoo: Rated “P” For Poo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
Douchiest “Athlete”: Jeff Reed
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinsky
Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange
The Ricky Award: Sammy
Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag’s Alana
Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker
Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
Best Golden Globes II: The Eiffel Towers
Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia
Douchiest Home Video: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Most Annoying ‘Bagling: Suburban Pimp
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Douchiest Facial Hair: The ‘Stachebagger
Douchiest New ‘Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
Douchiest Baguette: Lips McGee
Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackerry Bob
Smells Like Poo: Poo
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim in 2023: “Pool Pear”. Additional Art Awards to: Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Tiger Woods and the Nanny
Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa

And of course…

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche

Rather than do a ‘Bag hunter and huntress of the Year, I’ve decided to induct a Class of 2009 of our best and brightest ‘bag mockers from the comments thread. Joining the 2008 Class (Baron Von Goolo, DarkSock and the Late Pfah) will be the following:

Troy Tempest, Steve L, Wheezer, Medusa Oblongata, creature, Crucial Head, Mr. White, Archidoucheis, Mr. Biggs, Vin Douchal, Sergent Scrote Stain, boatbutter, Captain Bringdown, Whoop-di-douche, Jacques Doucheteau, massengill and Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche.

Also special ‘Baghunter Pic Awards to George S. and Il Douché.

This is not to discount the many other superb ‘bag hunters and huntresses, all of whom remain eligible for the 2010 induction class (with a number of promising leads already). Only that we most canonize those whose tireless commitment to mocking/lusting carries this site onward into a new decade.

Them’s your 2009 Douchie Awards.

Your humble narrator, The DB1, just arrived in New York for three weeks of alcoholism, pursuing urbane New York hotties who brush by him quickly, and, of course, extensive mocking of Bridge and Tunnel Guids.

Yup. I’se is gettin’ drunk already.

Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa

I was gonna do a two-hott sapphic faceoff, but ran out of time on the calendar as the 2009 Douchies wind down. So we’re going with a co-award. Two winning Hotts of the Year.

Although if you’d like to vote your preference, we can do an informal vote in the thread.

Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Waxy McBrow’s Rachelle

Barely beating out Josephine in a four boob race, Rachelle’s curves snuck in and stole the prize.

Don’t forget the run of pics with Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co.

Curves so good, they’s redonkulous. Curves so good, I just used the word “redonkulous,” causing Merriam to sucker-punch Webster in the nadsack.

Justin: Rachelle is primo delicioso. Lines of coke appear magically on her thigh as if laid out by tiny Colombian/liliputians (look at the pic). Pretty, sexy, and probably a little bitchy, she is the best hott in this bracket.

HusslinHoosier: Rachelle, I want to use her mounds as a pickle polisher.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Rachelle looks like a stripper, but with those mamms, well, goddammit I just don’t care. Rachelle FTW

notadouche: Rachelle. She makes me thirsty.

Archidouchies: I’m going with Rachelle because she, unlike Minnie, doesn’t go for a man with a shaven groin. So I got that going for me.

Maxim Kovalenko: Rachelle, who looks neither pre-cancerous, or too surgically enhanced, FTW. And the fact that she hasn’t been proved to be a total idiot helps her cause too.

Well done, people. And since the voters required a second round of hott voting, we also have:

Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Super Baggio’s Clarissa

With a three pic run, beginning in late July, then a Friday Haiku, and then ‘Baggio’s response (pictured here), Clarissa ran the gauntlet of high class west coast hottitude.

Barely beating out the surging (and Hall of Hott appealing) single pic’d Mariah, and with Charleez and Francine splitting the spankable blonde ticket, Clarissa explains it all.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: This is a fine grouping of semifinalists, each with their own buxom merit. But alas, I am only one man, with only one vote, and that vote goes to Clarissa. Her beauty would send me into a catatonic episode characterized by the muttering of incoherent swear words and profuse drooling if she so much as looked me in the eyes. That means she’s hott. Very hott. Autism inducing hott, which is the hottest type of hott.

massengill: Can’t believe I forgot about Super Baggio’s Clarissa. Clarissa FTW.

toddjerad: Based on hot chick standards alone, there is no way clarissa is not the hands down winner. She’s like a perfect cross between a fake boobied jessica simpson and a baby fawn drinking from the fountain of nirvana. The others are gorgeous, but there can be only one clarissa.

Skyler: Clarissa. I’m motivated by Super Baggio’s almost nottadouche qualities, which makes me think all the more of her. Oh, and boobies.

Wheezer: Clarissa Extends Them All – you know what I mean by “extends.” But give all the hotts a celebratory Pumpy boob grab. They all deserve such a participation trophy.

This is one of those categories where we’re all winners. And by winners, I mean boobies.

Celebrity HCwDB Couple of the Year: Tigerpud and The Nanny

Yeah, probably an obvious choice. But I like to keep the HCwDB topical around here.

At first I was gonna go with Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox. Especially since his initials spell “BAG.” But then I realized that Brian Austin Green isn’t a celebrity.

So I settled on Woodsbag and Elin Gutmundsdaughter.

Granted, Tiger doesn’t look or act douchey. But that run of whorin’ is so skankerific, especially when his wife is this hott, that they have to get the 2009 Douchie Award.

And she is Nordic glorious. Her DNA pleases Joseph Mengele and sails to Greenland in a Viking rucksack.

Of course, I probably should’ve given it to Criss Angel for the second year in a row. For that man sucks alpaca teat.

But this year, it’s another trophy for Tiger. And, in HCwDB awards, he’s leading Nicklaus 1-0.

The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag

This year’s Douchie Award for the year’s scrotiest Oldbag keepin’ on keepin’ on is named in honor of the legendary Yellowtail.

And it goes to the creepy undies poke and Sonny Bono vest wearing The Leatherbag, from October. The Leatherbag made two more disturbing appearances here and here. Yeesh. Nice undies poke, Dad.

Shriveled mention to The 70s Record Producer ‘Bag and Marty Oldbag.

Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: "Pool Pear"

From April. I dub this piece, “Pool Pear.” It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York’s Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.

I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.

I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.

Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.

Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: “Pool Pear”

From April. I dub this piece, “Pool Pear.” It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York’s Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.

I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.

I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.

Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche

In 2007 it was The Gator.

In 2008 it was Fish Slap.

The legend of Donkey Douche is long and inglourious on HCwDB. From his rants about HCwDB to his arrest for threats of terrorism and bribes in a courthouse, the Donkster has not only maintained an amazing ability to pull hotts, but also to grow older and more orange.

The Donkster is simian legend.

Donkey Douche has inspired musical compositions, as this one by HCwDB’s own Vin Douchal (“Donkey Opus in Douche Major”).

But let me not speak for the legendary Double D. As Mr. Douche wrote to us in August:

—–
U people are the nerds and drones of the earth. While some of us are livin life you people sit on your computers blogin away like wastes of lives u are. Funny thing is people are out to get me , but i will beat my troubles, you people will still be worthless. I walk by people like u everyday, but funny thing is I DO NOT NOTICE U, WHY, BECAUSE U PEOPLE ARE NOBODYS. MUST SUCK TO BE A NOBODY!!!

4:58 PM
—–

To the Donkster’s conciliatory tone and making peace with the HCwDB community, the Donkster has never failed to entertain.

So for that, and for his Ukranian Hott, the Donkster earns the third Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.

Come up on stage and get it, Donk. You’ve earned it.

Smells Like Poo: Poo

Particles of turd and a well earned 2009 Douchie Award for HCwDB bronzer legend, Poo.

Now someone please flush.

Douchiest 'Bagcessory: Blackberry Bob's Forearm Blackberry

A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September’s Blackberry Bob.

Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.

Now give me five minutes with B.B.’s girlfriend’s abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.

Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackberry Bob’s Forearm Blackberry

A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September’s Blackberry Bob.

Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.

Now give me five minutes with B.B.’s girlfriend’s abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.