The Caveman ‘Bag
Thanks to TMZ for the shout-out on yesterday’s show in regards to this pic of Yankee Johnny Damon and wife. I suppose a shirt like that qualifies Damon and wife as a stage-1 HCwDB.
Although no hand gestures and annoying bling make it hard to mark Damon a true douche.
And no Yankee Cap at 10 Degree Hat Tilt.
Which would’ve been douchey and ironic at the same time.
Where's Waldouche? Frat Party Edition
Somewhere in this pileup of giggle hotties and generic nottadouche fratpuds, I’ve carefully hidden a shirtless punkass Waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Where’s Waldouche? Frat Party Edition
Somewhere in this pileup of giggle hotties and generic nottadouche fratpuds, I’ve carefully hidden a shirtless punkass Waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Sunhead
If I ever need to pop 36 balloons simultaneously, I now know who to call.
The Trollbag
One of the hardest douche categories to tag in the wild is the Trollbag. They’re wily creatures. Hard to spot.
Trollbags are known for demanding a fort-pence to let you pass, gnawing on the bones of Englishmen, and rubbing up on Suburban State Hotties from Iowa at the summer carnival.
The Trollbag featured here is known as Red Rum, the 70s Love Troll.
Poor Kimmy Sisters. They just wanted some cotton candy and to go on the tilt-o-whirl.
The Jewschbag
Mazel Tov! Hebrew Harry has attracted a five-pack of Shiksa Goyim Treyf hotness.
Well, a four-pack of Shiksa Goyim Treyf hotness.
And Rachel Hottowitz in the black dress.
Who’s slumming it the summer before Brandeis.
Pointy McLipshmoe
Pointy McLipshmoe just ignored Katie and voted in the HCwDB of the Month.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Month
I’m not too good with the math, so I’m not sure if this is the last HCwDB of the Month before the Yearly or not. I think we can fit one more in. But either way, make it count.
Here’s your nominees:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Barrowbag and Alana
Barrowbag, aka Matt Floorian, is a longshot in the Monthly, in spite of Alana’s illustrious back arch, or what I like to call “The Slide of Kidney Delights.”
I have no idea what that means.
But the Barrowbag just doesn’t have that facial sneer, nor uber-tude for the Vegas oddmakers to give him anything better than 7:1 to win (lose).
Even with Barrobag’s spinnaker move on Alana. in pic #2, there’s a hot side hott, but a gut hang toad.
Is it enough?
What’s with the leather boots?
And were those bathmats bought at Ikea?
Or Target?
So many questions. So much lysol.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Poopaloompa
The power of the Poopa is strong with Oompaloompian Orange.
Poopa, poopa, poopedee, dee… why the f is your face orange you creeepy-ass mofo douchewank?
And lets not forget Poopa’s second log.
Bringing A-List douche Orange but only B-list H.C., the Poompa has a tough road ahead of itself, due to the impbalanced dialectics of meaning found herein.
Can Jane bring enough library corn-fed Midwestern party girl cuteness to take the prize? Or does it even matter with a toxic douche this strong?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Cheez and Charleez
The Cheez is Jerz mug loud, party pud from outer Tattmongolia.
Charleez is all that angelically dances on the edge of a pin and has boobies.
Pic #2, pic #3 and pic #4 finish out the run of simian ridiculousness.
Can power boobs and A/X necklace + douche-gesture (see pic #3) bring Cheez into the Yearly?
Only with aplomb.
And by aplomb, I mean two plums.
And by plums, I mean using the age-old poetic verse of fruit allusions to describe boobies.
Because both ripen and hang.
And both are on sale at Albertson’s, 2/$1.99.
Yup.
No idea what I’m typing at this point.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #4: The Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine
There’s nothing quite so enjoyable as when a blustery egobag writes in to the site and confirms all the snap judgments we’d already made about his punk ass.
As we saw when the Bagpoleon struck back.
Bagpoleon brings the most toxic of all 2009 douchal innovations: Groin Shave Reveal (GSR).
Josephine brings all that is curvy and right to youthful indescretions.
Guy in Gramps Shorts on the left wants to pee on a pillow.
Together, combined with Jesus Bling and Power Watch, this coupling is all that HCwDB embodies.
But is Bagpoleon douchey enough to beat out the Poompaloompa? Can Josephine really knock off Charleez’s sweetness? Will the Barrowbag wheel in as the wildcard after a split vote and take the prize?
Remember: We vote for the best dialectic between HC and DB. The most toxic reality skewing combination to cohabitate. The most punchworthy of wrongness.
I need you. I can’t do this without you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
The Crustacean Pshaws at Halloween Pics
HCwDB legend and Hall of Scrote enshrinee, The Crustacean, says:
“there’s no Halloween mock that will ever be as ludicrous as the real deal, yo.”
Hard to argue with double stripe leather forearm bands.
An HCwDB Halloween
Okay folks, your lazy-ass narrator finally put down the HoHos and got off his ass and went through all the Halloween pics. Over three hundred submits this year, and props to all for some amazing costumes and hilarious HCwDB inspired ideas.
Like the pic submitted here by reader G Wood.
Without further ado, here’s the ones I was able to organize and upload, and if I didn’t post your pic, don’t be angry. I likely accidentally deleted it because I got so many. And I’m confused. And disorganized. And drunk. Here’s your pics:
The HCwDB Comments Threads regulars for HCwDB Halloween:
Memphis Doucheworkers Local 421 and his Lady busts some quality Halloween HCwDB
Army of Doucheness does Gunter
Army of Doucheness’s Gunter #2. Scary good work, AoD. Now sing me “Summer Holiday.”
Archidouchies busts some classic HCwDB stylin’
Major Malfunction and Lady bust the Bra!! Gunshow, complete with Startatt
Reader Mike and Boozy Hott recreate “Chug Life,” with URC watching
Douchebag Mike goes full-on faux to amuse an Asian Hott
And in Pic #2, DBag Mike HCwDBs with a Bunny
Douchey Douche manages to get double-pop and arm tatts into his costume for his lady
And Ubiquitous Anonymous Lurker goes solo Orange
The HCwDB Halloween Pics that are so good, I’m not so certain they are Halloween pics:
Reader Red and his Lady do some Bathroom Doggie ‘Baggin’
If Grant didn’t have the fake arms, I’d be running him and his lady hott in a Weekly.
Eric and his Bro assure me this really was for Halloween
Anon assures me this really was him and his girlfriend doing ‘Jerz HCwDB’, although it’s so real it’s frightening.
Spiro creeps me out in a hotel hallway
Michael brings the Vegas Power Douche
Pat and his Lady Hott are just a little too convincing as Inland Empire HCwDB
Sleiman and his ‘Boyz’ fail to convince me they haven’t done this before
Tyler brings fuel in case he runs out of energy
And an assorted selection of some other genius HCwDB costumes sent in by readers this year:
Reader Greg Busts some Hott Hott and Douchey Douche.
Charles oranges it up at a ‘Ween house party
Alex and his Girl bring the ingenious ‘Cross Dressing HCwDB’
Blaque Jesus does the Mirror ‘Bag
Chris M and Girlfriend go full orange
An Anon Reader busts ‘Kissylips Dancer’
Monica and her Man provide before/after evidence of the HCwDB transformation
Ari and his ‘Boyz’ nail the DB but forget the HC
Bonobo and his Hott also bust classic HCwDB
Charles brings the Heineken
Kristen dresses up her boyfriend as ‘Armybag’
Brandon and His Girl bust HCwGGW
Brotha L.B. and his Magic Lady mock Yuppie Douche
Matt mixes metaphors with ‘Fidel Castro Douche’
Brian achieves truly spectacular ‘Pink Pop Collar,’ as well as wins the Best Halloween Douche Utility Belt Award
Captain S.P. brings his Army Hott along for the ride
Telly and his Lady go ‘Hot Mermaid with Power Douche’
Another Brian busts Rockerbag
Scott and his Lady do ‘The Jerz’
Chaz and his Lady bring
the Literal Summers Eve
But wait, there’s more!
Chocolate Douche reminds us the Brothas can mock the Brothabags too
Chris with the brilliant ‘Hello My Name is Douchebag’ snags a Tall Cornfed Hott at the party
Cort gets into his D.B. persona with some awesome kissy lips
Drake and Girlfriend do ‘Hot Dorothys with Douchebags’
Evan and ‘Bro’ bring the West Coast ‘Bag, along with their girl’s ‘Sexy Cop’
Sean and Becky do ‘Hot Sailorettes with Douchebags’
Gordo writes in from Canada where he busts some D.J. Douche with Barely Legal Hott
Graeme goes solo douche with some Homemade Ed Hardy
Hoboken Brian busts Jerz
Hugh and his Ladies Bring the ‘Ween Party up to HCwDB standards
Not quite HCwDB, exactly, but here’s Halloween Nerd/Hott Google.
Josh and Friend take HCwDB to 11
Lance and his Lady’s Costume are so good, they scared their dog
How’s about a large tip of the Ubiquitous Red Cup to all our HCwDB costumes this year. Clever, hilarious, playful and enough to give me hope we still might turn back the EdHardpocalypse before it’s too late.
Great job all!! Including all the great submits I wasn’t able to upload. A bottle of Night Train to everyone.
