The Tylenolbag
Add up the cultural signifiers in this swirling cocktail blend of garish monstrosity and you’ll get a headache from the cognitive strain.
Thus, my advice is do not try to narrativize the backstory of this porcine poo and porcelain plastic princess.
Do not attempt to explain the Hardy images, Hammer-time hat, and rouge-stains.
Instead take two cyanide laced Tylenol caplets. And, if you make it, call me in the morning.
The Air-Bubble Shartbag
You know that weird sensation when you’ve eaten too many HoHos, and just got done watching a marathon of Sanford n’ Son on TV Land so you’re lightheaded from the antics of Redd Foxx, and you sit up too fast, and your head spins?
So you reach over to steady yourself by grabbing on to your mid century oak side table, the one with the collectors item Doctor Who Zygon you purchased at Comicon two years ago after meeting the late, great Stan Winston?
But because you’re dizzy, you miss the table entirely, and slip on your vintage old-school Colecovision you hooked up to your TV to impress last night’s hott by showing her your prowess at playing Mr. Do’s Castle?
And you stumble backwards, landing on your stained rug butt first, hitting it so hard, you let out a tiny air-bubble shart?
That’s this guy.
Air-Bubble Shart.
With matching belt buckle.
Breaking: Mena Suvari Engaged to Douchenozzle
Not sure if Suvari actually falls into the Hollyhott category. But she was in American Pie.
And she had rose pedals in that mediocrity of a sitcom of an Academy Award winning thing about floating plastic bags.
Speaking of floating plastic bags, I wonder what Shannon Elizabeth’s up to.
The Podgebag
Some days we come face to face with douchescrotery so varied, it’s impossible to peg to a single category.
With army cap at 165 degree tilt, giant headdana, gangsta bling and emo eyeliner, there’s about four different ‘bag categories at work here.
This stage-4 Douchepocalypse means not even light itself can escape unaltered. Lisette didn’t stand a chance, she is too far gone to save. Within moments she’ll be making either “The Westside” or “The Sideways Peace.”
Tiananmen Squares
Adam writes in from China:
—-
DB1-
I couldn’t help but snap a photo of these two douchebags while I was in Xiamen, China this last week. The females are gorgeous (they were girlfriends of the club’s owners), and superscrote on the right is actually wearing a pink Gucci belt to complete the douchebaggery.
Seeing as this was outside the club and I couldn’t handle the Faux-hawk on the left any longer, I checked to see what these guys were drinking when they were, sadly, allowed into the club. As you might guess, Heineken was the drink of choice.
Hope you can have some fun with this one!
-Adam
—-
We need to take Heineken back from the douchescrote. It’s a relatively decent beer that does not deserve this fate.
Surely there are some bad-ass Asian gangsters who can take these puds out. I’ve seen enough Tsui Hark and John Woo to know that this night’s going to end badly for the Gwai Lo.
With soft focus, slow motion, exploding squibs, Christ imagery and lots of doves.
Skizzle
Skizzle says, The Ladiez love the golden faux!
You know what stage-4 Douche and Douchebaguette cohabitating means.
Time to crack open a tasty bottle of MD 20/20, pour half over ice, and sip until evening while snacking on tasty Hostess Chocodiles.
Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore are not Voting in the HCwDB of the Week
The late Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore, the former a reality TV something and recent murderer/suicider, and the latter a victim of hottie/douchey tragedy,can’t actually stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week contest.
But they’re in the news, and your hungover narrator likes to remain topical with his pop culture and news references, especially when they speak to HCwDB disaster.
Yeah, this post is kinda bringing me down. Because we should never make fun of murder tragedies. That’s where we as a society draw the line.
Unless you’re Jay Leno and it’s OJ Simpson/Nicole Brown Simpson. Then it’s hilarious. And produces fifteen years of material.
Crown Chest Guy Voted
Crown Chest Guy stopped by to vote in the HCwDB of the Week Contest.
He brought a triumverate of tasty Milfy mom-hotts.
And his douche-bro, Kenny, in the background. Kenny clearly needs Gulliver’s Lilliputians to hike up his pants and set his scrotundae on fire.
HCwDB of the Week
A new week. A new round of hottie/douchey mock, as the DB1 wishes for more Peyton List in Mad Men’s Season three.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rufus Veinwright
I heard there was a secret scrote…
whose favorite cereal is Honey Nuts and Oats,…
…but you don’t really care about cereal, do you?…
It goes like this…
The hair, the roids…
The forehead vein,…
The existential void…
That baffles the clueless hott… with Hallipoojah…
Apologies to Leonard Cohen and to Rufus Wainright. This guy is a douche. And our lady friend isn’t naturally a-list, but has undeniable suckle thigh.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Eurobag
About time we get back to the basic ‘bag tagging categories.
This is a primary one.
An archetype, if you will.
The Euroscrote. Poofy hair. Douchey bling. Chest reveal. Angora “Ed Wood” sweater.
And, the clincher, Bedazzler jeans. I can’t help but wonder what the scions of the Left Bank in Paris would say to know that after a century of military invasion, cultural transformation, modernity shifting into postmodern crisis, and, of course, tasty fromage, this is all they’d have to show for it.
Monique is all that’s natural and bouncy about the Eurohott, and her smile should be celebrated with fireworks and tree humping.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tarzana: King of the Bunghole
As with Rufus Veinwright, Tarzana is a douche who would be a heaping uberscrote if making the “Kissy Lips” or “Douche Pout,” but is nearly saved by his happy and relatively friendly un-douchey expression.
As a result, Tarzana is hard to hate.
He just looks happy to be there.
This in spite of shirtlessness in the club, hair spike, absurd pec tatt, nipple ring (!), hint of chin pube, and bizarre fig-leaf dressup.
Rachel Ray is going to teach a cooking show later, and while her arm tatt is beyond over-the-top unnecessary, and she’s on the heavy side, there’s still something tasty about her facial expression.
It says, “I would paddle your bottom, DB1. And then make you cocoa.”
So them’s your three. Not the greatest week of pics, but this is all fodder for next week’s Smoot coronation. And I still need your vote.
Which of these three has the right mix of hott and douche to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
