Uncle Frank and Adreanna
It’s hard to really label Uncle Frank a true douche.
More like your recently divorced uncle who’s trying reallllly hard to get back in the game. By creating weird bandanas and wearing polka dots.
But I did not come here to praise Uncle Frank.
Nor did I really come here to mock him.
I came to celebrate the holy gamoley dancing angels humping cactuses in a Francis Bacon triptych artistic masterpiece that is Adreanna.
I would ride a unicycle through a warehouse full of angry possums cup slapping each of them as I passed just for the chance to sniff the staid air captured after her dainty burp upon finishing her meal of arugula salad and goat cheese.
Where's Hoverbag?
Somewhere in this pic of two sorority sisters with suckleable legs getting their Vegas on, I’ve carefully hidden an awkward, creepy, Jesus tatted Hoverbag.
Look closely.
Can you ignore him?
Where’s Hoverbag?
Somewhere in this pic of two sorority sisters with suckleable legs getting their Vegas on, I’ve carefully hidden an awkward, creepy, Jesus tatted Hoverbag.
Look closely.
Can you ignore him?
Reader Mail: Defending Dane Cook
Last year I gave a detailed explanation why legendary something-or-other, Dane Cook, is a huge bag of douche. Today, “Uhhuh” writes in to defend this misunderstood thespian:
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Hello douchebag1… or may i please refer to you as DB? DB is good, yes? Great =)
I’m simply writing on behalf of the defense for Dane Cook, as I am sure I’m not the first, but I am also sure that I’m not your average “frat boy” and/or “media hungry moron”.
Now… “Here is a media concocted pseudo-comedian with less talent than a stuttering Screech and whiter teeth than Tony Robbins bursting onto the scene in one giant toxic swirl of unfunny. Then, in no time, amplifying from 0 to 60 up the multimedia stratus of accomplishment in a blazing hail of lame frat jokes and physical hand gestures.“
Media concocted pseudo-comedian? Amplifying from zero to sixty in no time? Dane Cook started doing stand-up in Boston around ’95, thats nearly fifteen years ago, mostly at The Laugh Factory. Epic structure for comedians of all kind. In ’98 he finally caught a break and made it onto a Premium Blend episode. I remember watching it as a child and laughing my f@cking ass off. Its called physical comedy, bud. Look into it.
“We were told we liked him. We were told other people liked him. Which meant we must like him, too. Because they liked him. And they are we.“
Actually most people jumped on the Dane Cook bandwagon far before all the media appearances and headline shit. It was a little cd called “Harmful If Swallowed”. Did everyone get with it. No. Thats not what I’m saying. But that cd is what started it… what caught media attention… which caught HBO… Ya know why? B/c its fucking funny.
“Only unlike the organic and legit accomplishment of, say, the talented Steve Carrell, who actually earned his place at the top by being funny, Cook’s force-fed limelight down all of our collective throats has caused the collective regurgitating response. The clarion call to focus all this noise around something, anything real: A begging we are all making of his sorry, generic ass: DO SOMETHING REAL. Say something authentic. Express a genuine emotion. Have an opinion. Offer a joke that actually might piss someone off.“
Ya know, I hate to burst your bubble junior, but comedy isnt about pissing people off or offending anyone. Its about telling jokes, dumbass. Don’t get me wrong though. I absolutely love f@cked up offensive shit. But what Dane does is tell uber funny stories, with strangely enunciated words, with terrific physical comedy thrown in.
“No, what makes Dane Cook a huge douche is his carefully softened ‘injury free’ safe ride of genericism. His media constructed ‘regular guy’ persona. His genericized jokes of pure pablum, meant to vaguely invoke nostalgic memories of your drunk college best friend while carefully designed to offend absolutely no one.“
Genericized jokes?!?! You’re kidding, right? Have you ever heard “someone shit on the coats”?! haha yeah… real generic stuff. Better yet, have you even watched a Dane Cook stand up?
Dude… I’m out. You’re an Idiot. And you dont know jack about Stand-up.
— UhHuh
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I stand corrected. “Someone shit on the coats” evokes the deep cultural critique and paradigm shifting humor of Pryor by way of Carlin by way of Bruce via Any Kaufman’s colon.
I will agree that Cook is more of a benign douche. Utterly vacuous, but not evil. I don’t think he means any harm, even as he shreds our culture with his fratbag genericism. Unless we count this.
Happy Passover!
Why is this douche different than all other douches?
EDIT: Got a takedown request from the couple in the previous pic, so swapped it out with this here boobie kiss.
Because no Passover seder should be without boobie kiss.
Ask DB1: The Tipping Point
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Hi DB1,
the pic on your site from March 19th entitled ‘Bag Aura begs the question of the ‘bag tipping point.
It seems that on the surface scrotitude is like pornography. It is sometimes difficult to define but we know it when we see it. But, as you so adroitly point out, there are obvious signs that scream “I am the poobah of douchetown”. However, where is the the tipping point?
– Dan
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The Tipping Point?
Severed torso tatts.
The Boobs-Next-Door 'Bag
At first I was gonna give Rico O’Connell a nottaboobs, since the boobs hair isn’t that boobsy, and the boobs-pose isn’t really boobsy at all.
But the tight boobs, the boobs hand gesture, and the boobs aura, all mean at least a stage-2 boobs.
Tits.
The Boobs-Next-Door ‘Bag
At first I was gonna give Rico O’Connell a nottaboobs, since the boobs hair isn’t that boobsy, and the boobs-pose isn’t really boobsy at all.
But the tight boobs, the boobs hand gesture, and the boobs aura, all mean at least a stage-2 boobs.
Tits.
Wednesday Limerick
There once was a scrote in a band,
Whose ‘tude would expand on command,
He grabbed the sweet meat,
Of a petite little treat,
Ah, screw the limerick narrative, what’s with the hand?
