Ask DB1: The Douchebaguette
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Greetings, oh-wise DB1
Ah shit, i don’t have 1/10 the poetic prowess of yourself to help me write this suggestion but that’s better so as not to waste your time…if you’re not wasting it for a change lol
Anyway, it appeared to me as i’m skimming through the previous posts and laughing my ass off that some of the chicks actually look more douchier than the douche in-question himself!
Therefore it is my humble suggestion to your greatness, as a student of economics, to expand our potential douche-put to include female douchebags!
Yours truly;
Egyptian Alter-douche xD
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Many emails ask about the ‘Baguette, aka “The Bleeth,” and because I tend not to focus my pics on them, there is often curiosity if this category has been covered on the site and in the book.
It has.
The Douchebaguette is indeed the great scrotal reaction of our time. Too much exposure to clownish showboating performative douchewanks, and the ‘baguette becomes what she beholds.
But stage 1 and stage 2 Bleeths can still be saved. By which I mean awkwardly humping their pillow while they’re on the phone with their BFF in the other room, then leaving to go get more beer and finding out she won’t buzz you back up so you just standing there on the sidewalk watching her neighbor walk his Rottweiler.
Jus Liv'n Arg
Nothing shows the tough badassedness of a t-shirt slogan quite like missing letters and apostrophe slang.
You bad, Young Wayne Newton.
Now scurry back to the bar while I take Sandra, Clementine and Regina to the far couch to awkardly fondle their upper arm areas. Yes, even pregnant Regina can come. Because I’m generous like that.
Jus Liv’n Arg
Nothing shows the tough badassedness of a t-shirt slogan quite like missing letters and apostrophe slang.
You bad, Young Wayne Newton.
Now scurry back to the bar while I take Sandra, Clementine and Regina to the far couch to awkardly fondle their upper arm areas. Yes, even pregnant Regina can come. Because I’m generous like that.
Tuesday Pop Quiz
Beach bling is to Bikini Boobies as:
a) Rock salt is to snow
b) Ed Hardy is to Western Civilization
c) VH1 is to television
d) Ryan Seacrest is to original thought and philosophic undertaking
e) Baby Momma Tatts are to upper chest areas
Answer now.
The Kettlehead
Tony knew that when macking on an Italian Hott (while deftly ignoring her less attractive best friend), nothing slayed quite like his patented Kettlehead look.
Ask DB1: Facial Hair Trouble
Female reader A writes in:
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Dear DB1,
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To help you out with this conundrum, A, the legendary Cro ‘Bagnon decided to stop by and say Unnnnghhrrrrrrgghhhhhh.
Which, roughly translated, means, “The detailed sculpting of facial hair pattern is performed by only the choadiest of douchewankers, therefore if your significant other chooses such an undertaking, he is, in fact, a smelly scrotemunch.”
Listen to Cro ‘Bagnon, A. For he knows of what he speaks.
The Scissors Mafia
PIC DELETED
Do not mess with a member of the Scissors Mafia. For in a recent rumble, they handily defeated the Paper Mafia.
However, they have yet to handily defeat the Rock Mafia.
Future events will determine the true winner, after a count of “one, two, three, shoot.”
Knawhessayin?
Yo.
Knawheesayin, yo?
It’s like, yo. Thass what he talkin’ about, yo.
Khawwheemean?
Boobies.
HCwDB of the Week
It’s Bizarro week in the Weekly, as we have three distinct and strange hottie/douchey couplings to choose from. Your humble narrator, The DB1, is properly hydrated, relatively recently showered, and with a full cupboard of tasty Hostess products ready for the week.
Except my feet still smell like Gouda. I blame my socks.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Tad and Trina
A run-of-the-mill, average pimp-douche but with some innovative hair. The stupid-hair is what elevates, as pink satin pimpedness isn’t usually enough to qualify for Weekly Douche.
But the fact Tad’s mixing with a sexy minx of erotic delights, and you have proper hottie/douchey dialectics.
She has the pimp of pokey boob.
The hair of flaxen flaxeness.
The smile of Southern hospitality.
And while the boobs are small, the shoulder is suckle worthy.
Together, they make poo.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Sharpie Ringworm
All credit to Count Douchekevitch, who bestowed the moniker “Sharpie Ringworm,” on this entry from the Friday Haiku.
Yes there is potential Halloweenery at work here, and usually that’s a disqualification.
But if you study the background, it’s hard to place this at a Halloween party, making me think this turd is actually doing some form of Vegas DJ dress-up. Therefore, he’s scrote.
Sharpie’s Turban Hott is all sorts of middle eastern bustier delight. Toned, and sweet, and I’ll overlook the cloth headwound if she’ll show me her belly button.
But the “dressup” factor may detract from this pic. Is it real enough to warrant the genuine emotion of wrong that a hott/scrote pic summons?
It very well might, so I had to include it in the Finals. And seriously, that chest shave isn’t for Halloween. Topbagrophy Face is all sorts of punchworthy mock.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Butthead
At first I was a little hesitant to run this pic, only because I’d hate for those who check HCwDB from work to run the risk of an offending office-mate.
But then I said to myself, “Self, those are three of the best examples of butts you’ve ever seen. Run it.”
So run it I did.
Butthead is douche on a number of levels, from tonguebaggery to Bizarro Mandana.
And the butts are fleshy hills of New Zealand shrubbery shorn clean and pink and bouncy and juicy and bouncy.
The girls are hott, the douche is rank, and the commingling is nauseating.
Thus, a prime candidate for HCwDB of the Week.
Honorable mention to The Turnips, who just missed the cut.
This is the final Weekly before Monday’s Monthly, so make it good, fellow hunters and huntresses. Lets amp up the competition for a royal hottie/douchey smackdown next week.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
