Friday Haiku
Rubber raft floats… floats…
On reservoir. Kimmy tans.
Herp sore in shadow.
must be a theme park.
AVAST! retarded pirates
make off with your girl.
— pfah
washed up beach-bag
rafts in city sewage stream
hottie walks the plank
— canadouche
avast fine beauty!
why dost thou ride with a douche?
arr! it reeks of poo
— bcs
“Ahoy, Me hearties”!
“I be the douche Cap’n Bob”
I pray for Kraken.
— doucheous scrotimus
He sure looks the tough.
But pink (re-read PINK) striped shorts!
View is bad from here.
— Holbrooks Douchestershire Sauce
Greasehead Doggie 'Baggin'
One of last year’s HCwDB Wonder Twin Duo, The Greaseheads, likes to get his shirtless Hebraic Douchin’ on, Doggie Style.
The Hebrew Tatt translates roughly:
And Adonai said, Lo! / The Greasehead is a douche! / And I am the Lord your G-D, and you shall mock him in pixelated form. / Especially for his douchey white belt.
Amanda's Beard
I haven’t seen a beard that thick since the Cruise-Holmes wedding. It’s like 400 caterpillers got trapped inside the Large Hadron Collider. It’s like the residue left in the sink after Robin Williams fell into a vat of Nair. It’s like a Merkin left over from 1892 after Hurricane Ike tossed it through a bramble.
Oh lovely Amanda. I would compose sonnets entirely in Pig Latin them sing them to you with only a lute and mouth harp to accompany me during the twelve-tone bridge section. I would hire the Kronos Quartet to finish the Trio in B Minor, and then we would repose to the boudoir, where we’d sip Champale out of plastic cups, with only the light of a flickering Bugs Bunny Nightlight to keep us illuminated. I would then awkwardly fondle your knee while you sighed and checked your watch.
Is Fung a Prompa?
Numerous readers have written in claiming that last week’s HCwDB of the Week winner, Fung, appears to be one of the infamous High School Oompa Prompas, all grown up, sporting facial fung, and having ripened from orange to purple.
First, let us relive the offensive orange-face High School travesty of the Prompas, as they wait for Prom, Pose at the Prom, and ditch their dates to party at the After-Prom Party.
The Prompas echo the offensive minstrel shows of Vaudeville filtered through the lens of Jersey-Douche manscaping.
But is Fung one and the same as Prompa #1?
Even more convincing is this later Prompa shot.
This would make sense, as only the Orange Face clownishness of a Prompa could make such an impact on the HCwDB community without the requisite Hottie to balance the HCwDB equation and force us to contemplate dialectic.
But if Fung is a Prompa, this would also impact both the Monthly and the 2008 Douchies.
Can a Prompa, already enshrined in our hallowed Hall of Scrote be allowed to compete again in the Monthly, and the 2008 Douchies? Or should we hand the Weekly to the runner-up, I Say, Old Chap?
What say you?
Ask DB1: Why Can't I Understand HCwDB?
newbie asks:
—
someone sent me a link to your site and i’m reading through and i get the general concept. But when it comes to your name tags, like Fish Slap, Gauntlet, etc. i’m not sure if i should understand what goes on or if i need to read through your entire years worth of archives.
i guess i’m saying is this, is it like femullet or something of that nature where you can understand what the name tag means? or would a glossary be a good idea to new people?
—-
While most names should be somewhat self-evident (Fish Slap because he needs to be slapped by a giant dead fish, etc.), there is indeed a glossary of terms you can find at the back of my book, on sale at Amazon.
Don’t think of it as spending $12.21, needing only an additional $12.79 for your order to qualify for FREE Super Saver Shipping.
Think of it as gaining the wisdom of a lifetime of douchological mock and hottie lust within a larger philosophical dialectic.
Or you can just read along for a few days and pick up the terms as you go. So long as you understand that douches are to be mocked and hotts lusted after, the rest falls into place fairly quickly.
Don
I do not judge Don for the ginormous mellon head, nor the silk yellow boxers, nor even the mugging of two delightfully curvy nutrasweet pixie sticks of melted twizzler sunshine enchantment.
I judge Don for the four scrotey-ass necklaces.
I can accept one necklace. I can accept two. I can even accept the reprocessing of ordinary objects as jewelry, as with the Sid Vicious lock.
But four? Is, how you say, douchey.
And that little patch of chin fur needs to be shaved with a dull pottery fragment recovered from the Albila of the Decapolus archeological dig of 1983.
Because the Byzentine Empire made some rad pottery.
Vitaly Crotchko
Life’s been rough since losing the belt in the Light Doucherweight division, eh, Vitaly?
Blondie is a little too Dress-Up/Alien for my tastes, but underneath all that swag, there’s a sweet innocent coed that just wants me to lightly spank her toesie wowsies with a Hawaiian Mai-Tai umbrella after dusting them with confectioner’s sugar.
Where's Waldouche? Simulacrum Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of thirteen tasty California fountain-drink hotts, I’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche or two.
Extra degree of difficulty: In tribute to John Lennon’s I am the Waldouche, this pic presents troubling notions of subjectivity and spectatorship in the digital simulacrum.
Who is the Waldouche? Is it I? Is it he? Is it we? Have we indicted ourselves? Or ourselves as “Other”?
Look closely.
Can you find him/us/them/we?
Appendix Albert
I think it’s sweet of these two girls to attempt to remove Albert’s swollen appendix with their tongues.
And by sweet, I mean douchey.
Uber Fish Slap
The Slap laughs at the newbie attempts of Fung to take his crown.
The Slap muscles up. And shaves a streak in his hair. And mugs three Milfs at a party.
Better keep on your toes, Slap. There’s new competition in town.
