Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Head Shaving

Bob-O writes in with a concert head shave ‘bag tag:

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DB1-

-Bob-O
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If by “enjoy,” you mean bust out the clippers and shave ancient curses in Gaelic on a nearby flock of sheep, you’d be correct.

But this brings up a good point. An experienced Hott Hunter needs only a 10-15 degree rotation from the back of the head to determine hottness in a young female boobie hottie. So yes, I can tell she’s hott.

The Underoo Cowboy

Granmama always said to make sure you wear clean underwear, as you never know when you’ll get in a douchecident.

Kelly, your only hope is to jump overboard. Maybe a dolphin will save you.

Lao Tzu on Douchism

The great Chinese philosopher and father of Taoism, Lao Tzu once asked us the following:

What is man’s life for? What pleasure is there in it? Is it for beauty and riches? Is it for sound and colour? But there comes a time when beauty and riches no longer answer the needs of the heart, and when a surfeit of sound and colour becomes a weariness to the eyes and a ringing in the ears.

The men of old knew that life comes without warning, and as suddenly goes. They denied none of their natural inclinations, and repressed none of their bodily desires. They never felt the spur of fame. They sauntered through life gathering its pleasures as the impulse moved them. Since they cared nothing for fame after death, they were beyond the law. For name and praise, sooner or later, a long life or short one, they cared not at all.

As I contemplate those words, two thoughts come to me.

One, I want to party with Lao. That dude must be off the hook.

And two, did Lao Tzu anticipate the emergence of douche-scrote in a media saturated global simulacrum? And would Lao approve of the Yin-Yang polarity of authentic meaning found in the illogic of douche-hott dialectic that forces deconstruction by the very nature of its wrongness?

I’d argue that he would.

Where's Waldouche? Hoverbag Edition

Somewhere in this pic of Sophomore Year “Just Experimenting” Sorority Hotts, I’ve carefully hidden the worst form of Waldouche, the Hoverbag.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

HCwDB of the Month: The Metaphysical Hooligan

From this moment this coupling first appeared on the site, there could be only one response to this heaping uberdouche and sweet Italian hott:

Collective mocking, sarcasm and witty repartee from a safe distance. So I turn it over to the ‘bag hunting collective to make the case:

hairy prodder:

The Metaphysical Hooligan simply has to win. The case I made for the weekly still holds true. Yes, Truman or Smearkat might have a chance if it weren’t for the Hooligan. But Zippy, while infuriating, isn’t fit to carry the Hooligan’s (douche)bags. Not only does Hooligan win the monthly, but I feel compelled to invoke Kant’s notion of the “moral imperative” and insist the Hooligan be fast-tracked for the Hall of Scrote.

Anyone who invokes Kant to explain douchery is on the right track. Hos may very well be in MH’s future, GL. But bananaphone bucks the tide, reminding people to consider all that is poo about Truman Coyote and Reese Hotterspoon:

I have to go with Truman Coyote hands down. The gangsta tats combined with the upturned hat that makes him look like he’s 12 years old and wearing daddy’s baseball cap is just too much for the hooligan to overturn.

He reminds me too much of the WB cartoon of the two dogs. the bulldog and the terrier. Truman would be the little dog bouncing around saying, “Whaddayawannadoo, Spike? You wanna chase cars? You wanna get the cat? Huh, Spike? Huh? Hey Spike, you wanna bone?”

Excellent classic WB reference, BP. And champagne douchernova reminds us of the understated douchery of Zippy and Lacy Underalls:

In closing…Zippy FTW. His pale, muscle free body is an attempt to circumvent the obvious bag avoidance routines. He is the Stealth bag that ends up turning your sister into the Oompa Lady.

Again, I say Zippy FTW. And he, more than any other of the monthly hopefuls, needs to be monkey stomped so I can console sultry next door Lacy Underalls.

I’ve been there, CD. She is delectable. The cleverly monikered abbroham lincoln agrees:

It’s got to be Zippy. He meets all the qualifications for douchedom, and his hott easily blows all the others out of the water. Sure he wins on the power of the hott, but I just don’t give a damn.

And grady bagmore honors the legendary George Carlin, by voting for the Smearkat and saying one word: “Boobies.”

since this month is dedicated to George Carlin, i must vote for smearkat, because Carlin loved the boobies.

I think I’m still stunned about the passing of Carlin. It’s impossible to overstate just how vital, important and hilarious he was. One of the great Americans of our lifetime.

But enough memorializing, back to the douche. The shaved star-head was too much to overcome. The Hooligan is like the Ace Frehly of Kissbaggery. As jed the avenger explains it:

Metaphysical Hooligan is so douche-tastic that I stopped eating processed food, strongly considered becoming an atheist, and began a life-long vow to be celibate.

Indeed, J the A. And so we honor the legend of George Carlin in the only way we can. By telling douchebags to kiss our ass and lusting after their hotts along the way.

Book The Metaphyiscal Hooligan and Carly Hott in the Yearly, where we’ll see them take on Bra!!, Tighty Armani, and the other Monthly winners for HCwDB of the Year in the Douchie Awards.

And props to everyone who voted in yet another brilliant and hilarious comments thread.

You people are part of the collective push-back to change this world for the better. And stare at boobs along the way.

Big Douche at the Scottsdale Bars

I’m normally not a fan of the homemade video remix thing, but this is some hilarious stuff. Excellent use of a hose image, as well as the Big movie poster. Well done, Anonymous YouTube Editor Guy.

Breaking: Oompa Tribe a Fake?

The story we broke here at HCwDB last month about the Oompa Tribe discovered in the Amazon may be a fake:

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Group denies misleading media over Amazon tribe
Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:16pm EDT

Its story prompted some other media to call the photographs a hoax.
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However, if you click on the photo above, you’ll realize there is no fakery involved. It’s just another day off the Jerz Turnpike.

Preppiebags

Ah yes, the Preppiebag. How we’ve missed you.

Rare do we capture such a classic category of schlorterscrote in action.

Lest you think this is ironic douchery, think again. These two are very sincere in their prepster assedness, and blondie wants to bake me a cake.

And yes, “schloterscrote” is a word. I just wrote it down and read it, so that makes it a word. And if Websters has a problem, I’ll send Willis and Arnold over to kick his ass.

The Boulder Head

I get a lot of email from readers about a deep scrotal problem occuring in Colorado. One wouldn’t picture the skeeze plague reaching that far, but this pic comes to us from Boulder as evidence.

I can’t tell if this is a costume party or not (costume parties are generally exempt from douche/hott mocking), but since I loves me some healthy teethed volleyball playing Jennifers, I had to run it.

And seriously, Brad.

Gold bowtie? Is that a slice of Fruit Stripe gum on your wrist, or are you just glad to see me?

Reader Mail: "Told Emm"

Mia writes in:

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DB1-

Love,
Mia
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I love it when my female readers tag a ‘bag, send it in, and don’t write too much.

Now alls I need is for Mia to bring me a microwaved Hungry Man Chicken Dinner, a PBR, and a first edition copy of Hannah Arendt’s The Human Condition so I can contemplate the negative ramifications of modernity while staring at Mia’s curvy legs, and I’d be in hog heaven.