Brawndo
PIC DELETED
I haven’t seen such a blank expression since Not Sure switched America from Brawndo to water.
Speaking of Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator (it’s got electrolytes!) I think it’s time to officially welcome Mike Judge’s Idiocracy into the pop-culture referencing fold. I wasn’t sure it was going to make it, and while not likely to reach the saturation of Office Space, Idiocracy has enough genius in it to more than deserve to enter the discourse.
Welcome to CostCo. I love you.
Tony and Clara's Dilemma
It’s lunch time. Tony and Clara are hungry, but they’re not sure what to do. They need your help.
Should Tony and Clara:
A. Order from Taco Bell
B. Order from White Castle
C. Order from Subway
D. Confront their societal constructions of self, explore their authenticity and attempt genuine communication through philosophical inquiry and deep introspection.
Vote now!
Hott Mail
Firm Boobied Leelee Sobieski Brunette writes in:
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Dear Douche bag exposers,
Hi! I found myself on your site listed as “sexy, big cheekboned, firm boobied Leelee Sobieski brunette” under Friday, April 18, 2008. I thought it was hilarious and I laughed really hard even though not all the comments are too flattering for me, I have a good sense of humor.
Anyhow, although there are probably many pics of me with “douche bags” on my myspace profile because I have a diverse group of friends and am nice to everyone, the “douche bag” got tagged with should receive his own month for all the hot chicks he tries to take advantage of and the ridiculous wardrobe he consistently sports, not to mention what he does for a living.
Anyhow, I just thought I would share with you his myspace profile for some excellent material for your site. Feel free to grab some, I think your site is hilarious!
Have a fab day, and happy douche bag hunting. 🙂
Ciao,
Becca
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Ah, cute girls with ‘bag hunting skills and a sense of humor. Becca may be a candidate for the DB1’s third future ex-wife, somewhere around my early 40s after a stint in Reno sent me to the clink for six months.
Cowbag / Not a Cowbag
Cowbag probably isn’t true douche, although the shaved chest and rippling face that looks like Lake Winnipesaukee after six jetski Hells Angels rode through its waters definitely are punchable.
But hey, if Stripper Hott’s body were any tighter it’d fuse oxygen into ozone. And by oxygen, I mean me. And by ozone, I mean me after coitus.
So yeah, Cowbag’s not really classic douche. But I’m going with it.
Mainly because exposure to the new Carmine Gotti Song is so nauseating, its core radiating Jersey douchosity so foul, I need a little counterpoint.
Cowbag and his stripper hott are definitely that counterpoint.
EDIT: Apparently they’re a famous celebridouche couple in Britain. Which is kind of like being the best juggler in Armlessland. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good.
Wednesday Limerick
Pippy just wants peace for the earth,
Underdouche
It’s one thing to Run with the Goose. It’s another to show off your Batman Underoos in the process.
I feel your pain, scrunchy minxy Minnesotan-like blonde chimpmunk cutie.
Snag Underdouche’s Goose, and we’ll make cocktails by the fire as I rub your forearms with Vick’s vapo-rub and you tell me about how daddy didn’t love you enough.
Pippy
Pip’s a classic example of when a ball of metro taint has his douche factor exponentially ratcheted up simply by being in the presence of Sultry Ski Bunny Perfection.
SSBP is all that melts snow in Oslo.
I would nervously ask her if she knew the time. After waiting awkwardly for three seconds while she ignored me, I would grab her straw and run away with it.
HCwDB of the Week: The Turd Flush
One of the most balanced, and toughest, Weeklys we’ve had in awhile, created a brilliant and hilarious comments thread. Kudos to all the ‘bag hunters who raised their voices of outrage and mock to parse the hott/douche dialectic with rapier wit and raging id.
But in the end the power of Turd Flush’s vacant stare and blonde’s incredible side boob were too much to overcome. carl lazlo makes the case:
Turd Flush. I think it should be noted that I fear the ramifications of this breed of bag. He seems to be a Zombie-Bag or 28 bags later douche. That skin color can only be produced with douche sweat, eye-liner and prolonged excusrions into the tanning bed.
He is indeed the Zombie Turd. In upsetting the power of uberdouche that is The Dog, Turd Flush came up with a mighty win. mitch meats explains:
If Dog were with any other woman in the known universe, he would be a shoe-in. But, alas, it must be Turd Flush. His vacant gaze sees the nipple on my soul.
And colostomy bag explains how the toxic swirl of hott and turd commingled to win:
The Turd Flush, on the other hand, actually has some hotts, albeit slutty ones. He inspires the more conventional feelings of rage and disgust, but on much higher levels than any other of the more recent entries. In fact, if anyone ever truly deserved the status of “colostomy bag”, it would be Turd Flush.
Yes it would, CB.
Like Hagler-Leonard, this is a controversial win that will be discussed for many a month. The Dog is so beyond regular douche, a couple of intrepid readers discovered that if you google “cocaine” and click on images, you’ll find the Dog snorting away.
That’s gotta be one of the signs of the douchepocalypse right there. But in addition to Dog’s support, the Prince of Pud nearly pulled this thing out in a huge upset. g0dluvsugly explains:
without a doubt. prince of pud. he has the intent and he has the hott. the chin strap. the chest flex. the shocker. the fauxhawk. the disparate ‘bag-to-hot ratio. this pic lacks nothing.
But fret not, in the 2008 Douchies, methinks Dog, and possibly even the Prince, may merit Douchies for their unique contributions to ending our cultural worth while polluting girls along the way.
Alas, only one could emerge. And it was the Flushed Poo of Turd.
As all choads lead to rome puts it:
Turd Flush – because people with no talent in life have to try twice as hard to prove they are worthwhile. At the club, they may seem to be attractive, successful sex mongers, but all I see is a BA in English, 2 months of community college, and a beauty school drop out.
Well described, ACLTR. Give it up to the Turd Flush, and we’ll see him in the Monthly.
Why There is No Hope for Mankind
From Enlightenment, to the Age of Reason, through Modernity and Postmodernity, ours is a world of many cultures and philosophies each exploring the universal questions.
What is life? What is love? Do shirtless mandana fools at clubs deserve to have their Red Bulls peed in?
I believe it was Descartes who first asked, Why does the douche-face annoy?
I still don’t have an answer for you, Descartes. So pass the Foie Gras and we’ll journey onward until dawn.
'Bag / Not a 'Bag
Creepy eyebrows and the ridiculous facial hair are somewhat goofy, but otherwise there’s not enough to stamp “choad” on this guy’s forehead.
Maybe the necklace?
I dunno. I’m inclined to give a nottadouche pass, but figured I’d open it up to the floor.
Kimmy is all sorts of girl-next-door adorable sweetness, with a hidden body of sinny sinn sinn. Oh yes. I’d drink melted chocolate peep malteds of her distilled essence. I’d leap over tiger lilies dressed as a Northumbrian clown just for the chance to mildly annoy her great aunt by poking her with a Qtip.
