Douche of a Salesman
Willy: Yeeeeeee. Ya know what’s rad?
Blonde: What’s that?
Willy: Showing my swimming trunks, bra.
Blonde: I’m not a bra. I’m a girl.
Willy: Whatever, woman. Just check my undies. They’s fab.
Blonde: You smell like Axe Bodyspray and moldy wonder bread.
Biff: Yeeeee. That’s what Willy’s talkin’ bout.
Blonde: I, uh, gotta go now.
Willy: I’m Willy!! Willy, yo, man!!
And…. scene.
Tell me I didn’t just make a Willy Loman joke. I feel dirty.
The Poo Fighters
What’s with the black fingernails on the Nordic vampiric Dave Grohl on the right? Surfers should never go goth. Get thee to a hackey-sack field, stat, boyo.
As to Two Tone Jenny, as horrifying as the black fingernail douche innovation is, the two-tone hair thing has that perfect balance between slutty and sexy to power a thousand Priuses.
I was almost inclined to give her screaming snapping alien mouth boyfriend a “temporary douchesanity” pass, but then I noticed the wristband, finger bling and, yup, black fingernail. No Pass For You.
Caption This Pic
TINY PACKAGE DELETED
Kimmy and Kelly knew that Todd’s man-crush on The Gator went far, but not that far.
Fun With Dorm Rooms
All dressed up and nowhere to go but some creepy-ass dorm room with a giant blue sheet over the window.
Ladies, short skirts over long legs will always earn my undying respect for who you are on the inside.
I just want to know the real you. What’s in here.
And if, in the meantime, I get to gnaw on your thigh like a hungry Burmese toddler digging for clams in the mudbanks, then so be it.
Cowpoke
Yeee harrr!!!
Nothing beats the Cowpoke + Dog Tags look. Because when not taking out the cattle for a run over the plains of Utah, Cowboy Joe likes to serve in the Marines.
Yet he’s roped a fine filly there. Get ‘er dun!
The Google
Keywords: “douchey bling,” “stupid-ass trucker hat,” “sexy blonde Patsy Kensit” and “zebra couch sucks.”
HCwDB of the Week
After every Monthly vote, the Weekly has to account for two weeks of pics instead of one. Mainly because I’m too lazy to run a Weekly and a Monthly in the same week. That usually means an extra special serving of hott/scrote for your perusal and judgment, and this week’s finalists don’t disappoint. Each offer their own pungent smell of wrong.
So, without further apoo, here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Prince of Pud
This is a classic anger-inducing combo. Sure, the Prince of Pud isn’t as cartoonishly spectacle as some of the more extreme ‘bags. But he’s got all the factors of wrong in one greased up package of what I term “reality douche.” He’s real. And that’s what hurts.
And then there’s blonde Susan Winterbottom, descendant of the Mayflower, daughter of the revolution, getting back at her waspy parents and aristocratic life by partying with Tony Florencio here.
The brunette kissing Pud looks to be delectable. And there’s a red cup and Prince Caspian in the background. All taking place in what appears to be a neo-Nazi bunker. Yikes.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Dog
Dog is one of those unbalanced hottie/douchey pics where the douchery is so intense but the hott isn’t up to snuff, so that the question becomes if it’s enough to carry the pic through to victory based on imbalance.
As we know, a truly superior HCwDB pic has a zen totality to it. A wrongness and a rightness that cancel each other out and offer the contradiction of life that brings us truth.
But can the imbalance that is Dog carry a Weekly?
All I know is that Dog is a scholar and a man of peace.
He is polite and of classy breed.
He really shouldn’t hunt me down and beat me like a goiter infested 13th century mule in Scotland.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Turd Flush
Turd Flush also ranks high on the rage factor.
Rare is the douche who actually features his sunglasses on top of his mandana.
Toss in the beads and the two bar slut hotts, and the fact it’s all taking place on the deck of the Titanic means a sinking ship of wrong.
Alls I know is I need to scrub my eyes out with bleach.
So them’s your three. Three pics enter. Only one can reign douchepreme. Which one? That, my friends, is up to you.
Cast your vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Quentin Tarantino
Quentin Tarantino is a douche.
I can’t deny it any longer.
I looked the other way for years. I made excuses when he launched his Broadway “acting” career. I chalked up his self-reflexive babbling and guest directing gigs on E.R. to the indulgence of creative eccentricity.
But then he showed up as a guest judge on American Idol.
Verdict: Douche.
When you choose to be that close to The Seacrest, your essence is transformed into mass culture backwash.
Yes, Dogs was a seminal movement. A rupture event of self referencing filmic pastiche, Hong Kong coolness writ large. But that was long ago. Today, douchedom surrounds the Q.T. like a glowing ball of rectal itch.
So we need to face facts. Q.T., ass kicking filmic revolutionary of the 1990s, is now tool. Lets not get a taco.
It’s like trying to convince yourself that that girl you had a crush on in high school didn’t gain sixty pounds, pop out some kids, and is sitting in a trailer somewhere, reading In-Style while watching TMZ and living off disability checks. Sometimes all you’re clinging to is the faded memory of former glory. The perfect ripe cleavage of long ago. Boobies that exist only in recollection. In nostalgic hues long past.
But the past is the past. It has to be said. Quentin Tarantino is an inglorious douchetard.
And Fergie, I know the masses mock you as not that hott, but to me, you’re still a juicy little boob eyed pea.
Redneck Armani
I can’t even begin to comprehend this one.
T.A.’s morphed into Jed from the Beverly Hillbillies, his mandana has somehow migrated down to his thigh, and Brunette J-Lo Hott on the right is saying “peekaboo!” with the most fantastic bumper this side of pre-bloat Kardashian.
So Tighty A, put down them barbells and get to work on those spindly-ass legs. I’ll take J-Kard out for unlimited Miller Lites at Flanagan’s, just across from the Freshman dorm.
Pimp Daddy
Not much overt douchery on Pimp Daddy, but he is still the Pimp Daddy.
No seriously.
I think he’s one of their dads.
