Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Raising Hairizona

Son, you got a ferret on your head.

Criss Angel is Poo

Every month Criss Angel ratchets up the douche factor like a spectral Harry Houdini by way of Rico Suave’s Gerardo. In perhaps his most amazing illusion of all, yesterday he made our merits as a society disappear.

Poof!

Gone in a cloud of Axe Bodyspray. Where’s Sigfried and Roy’s white tiger when you need it?

Yet Crissbag continues to pull the highest quality Vegas hooch.

I got a trick, Criss.

Wave the red scarf over the bottle. Wuula wuula wuula. Now look inside.

It’s your mom.

Amy's 'Bag Tag

Reader Amy writes in:

—-
Heyyyy DB1….I saw these doucheBAGS from across the sidewalk and I just could not resist the urging temptation to get a picture with him AND lumber jack douche.

-Amy (on the right)
—-

It’s not bad for your first capture, Amy, but tagging the stage 1 douche is easier than the higher up game (stages 3 and 4). Note no hand gestures and only minimal shirt douchage. Forehead grease is toxic, though. However you may have to throw these two back. State Douching Licenses dictate at least a stage-2 level for true ‘bag tagging.

Orange Crush

There’s a backstory here involving six bottles of peroxide, a bank heist gone wrong, and a midget named Pepe who can burp the Star Spangled Banner.

Later, Brazilian Clowns will drive up in a Mini with cotton candy for all, while the Princess of Denmark cries over the banishment of her crippled Aztec llama “Steve,” to the Island of Long.

That’s about as much sense as I can make of this travesty of a mockery of a sham of a travesty.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

I’m leaning towards giving Red a pass, even as he’s found himself in the Land of Strangely Shaped Boob.

The Redfro isn’t too bad. More like the lost member of The Real World: Ireland who took the wrong exit at the Palms and ended up in the showgirl’s dressing room.

I say nottadouche and go in peace, Red.

EDIT: Whoops, looks like that was bodypaint, and a bit too much nudity. Thankfully Xenu was available with some SFW nip-help.

Wednesday Limerick

There was an alien warlord so weak,
With an oblique, late Greek, physique,
He search out Tom Cruise,
to find a new muse,
While the brunette let out a sweet little squeak.

HCwDB of the Month: Tighty Armani

A tough and spirited debate, but the chin strap + smirk face + sexy long-necked blonde was too much to overcome. Tighty Armani takes the prize. As joe explains:

tough call between tightee and turtle boy. and by tough, i mean one more chew of the proverbial steak of deliberation. pink poppeds are wrong in any country. but wearing an armani t-shirt that stretches your budget and your HGH addled arms? well, that’s wrong in any galaxy.

tighty by one lick of greasy well done skirt steak

The great Russian, douchetoevsky agrees, predicting where Tighty Armani will be in ten years:

T/A: 2 kids by different bleeths, 3 restraining orders, big saggy man boobs, giant gut. daily wardrobe consists of wifebeater T, oversized nylon basketball shorts and shower sandals with socks. still at the club however, working the door.

You overestimate his chances, D. In second, with a strong showing, was The Pancake. ashfish lays down a crossing pattern of frog flamethrower and makes the case:

I’m going to have to toss my vote to the pancake. He’s ruined one of my favorite breakfast foods and one of the best hotts I’ve seen come across these hallowed halls. This pair carry the same fascination and revulsion factor of a pile up of elementary school buses and an oil truck.

Very interesting analogy there, ashfish, well put. 92bpms agrees:

I see a perpetual tattoo artist trainee, a South China Sea pirate costume by way of Johnny Depp and a Cheap Trick cover band bassist. I see a barnet the likes of which can be had for $50 at Vidal Sassoon Cosmotologist Academy. I see chin pubes sculpted by a Braun Pulsonic. I see middle finger protruding in a defiant cock and balls phallus directed at posterity complete with black nail polish applied by the Vidal Sassoon Academy for an additional $25. It’s quite clear that all these factors cannot be reduced.

Bringing the deconstructions nicely, 92. Coming in a respectable third, The Small Package. khorpo argues for the tiny dancing elf:

You recognize a douche by a lot of aspects. By their look, their hands, popped collar etc. But, to be sure that the person is a real douchie, you have to see how he behaves. However, you can CLEARLY see in a picture how Small Package acts, talk and climb his way to the top of the scrote. My vote goes to him and his t-shirt.

He was a worthy finalist, KH. Turtleman came in a distant forth, very sad for a superhero, but The Mighty Mighty Douchetones does lay out a strong case for Turtledouchery:

Turtleman, and here’s why. Popped collar. Cum receptacle necklace. Two diamond stud earrings. Chain wallet on an emo kid. Pink shirt with rolled up arms, check. The “hair”. The hott with the miniskirt. When she bends over to pick up her PBR bottlecap at the kegger, you’ll see the black thong she’s sporting. The vacant “too cool for these f@#king kitchen pictures” look.

Turtleman FTW.

But Tighty Wipey takes the douching cake and a spot in the Yearly in December’s Douchie Awards. As Ol’ Bagnanimous puts it:

At first I was going to go for the Pancake…..and, while he is infuriating, and his hott perhaps the hottest,(it too close to call with T/A’s hott), in the end, I had to go for Armani…. his Hott is young Valerie Bertinelli with Paris Hilton’s hair, and, his arrogant, I am superior to you down the nose look makes me want to kill him with an empty ‘Goose bottle, and his snaky lookin’ friend, as well

Love the Valerie Bertinelli hair. And as douchebagus maximus aptly sums it up:

I hate everything about Tighty. He represents everything that just plain sucks.

Yes. Yes he does. Give the Armani Tight and Blonde Doe their victory. And by victory, I mean seven more months of mocking until the Douchies.

Xenu II: Electric Douchaloo

Is that?… Could it be?… the legendary insta-Hall-of-Scrote legend that is Xenu? I’d recognize that chest tat pentagram anywhere. My grandmother used to have the exact same one.

What’s great isn’t just the cluster of tatts, but that, in both pictures, Xenu keeps shirt unbuttoned to display them at all times.

Like the Brazilian Tree Frog’s colorful pouch, displayed only during mating season, whom are we to judge the unique mating rituals of the Xenu?

The White Lion

PIC DELETED

Chin Strap has appeared previously on the site somewheres, but your humble narrator in all things boobies/chinstrappy, The DB1, can’t find his socks again. I’ve generally located them to the living room area.

So while I look for my socks, I will only reiterate my desire for all chin strap facial hair configurations of the world to simultaneously burst into flame like flickering lighters when 80s metal powergroup White Lion finally slows things down and plays When the Children Cry.

That’s right. I just made a White Lion reference.

I blame the chin strap. It’s inhibited my cognitive synapses. But ambiguously Persian Hott is all that is soothing and calming. So there’s that.

Six Inches of Underwear

That reminds me. Must add one more thing to today’s “To Do List”:

Set New Jersey on fire

There. All set.