12 Seconds of Uberdouche
It’s like wiring a car battery to your nads.
Ask DB1: The Appeal of the STDs
snarky writes in:
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I just had a very disturbing conversation with a female friend of mine. I was partaking in the insanity known as the Hall of Scrote STDs (The Stereodouchtonic Twins) and I sent her a link with the picture of these double pile of elephant scrote. and her response:
“damn! they’re freakin hot!”
And after a 30 minute conversation she could not see the douche forest for the STD trees.
This begs the question on everyone’s minds: why do women go for this ridiculous douchetrocities we see in every night club or tanning parlor in this country?
Your thoughts?
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You have touched on the eternal meta-question of our times, Snarky.
The answer lies within the notion of intersecting mass media cultural capital as a market based mechanism recontextualizing sexuality as commodity. The Douche acquires name brand status as a result of glossy men’s magazines, overt preening and next-generation Top Gun by way of the Spartans in 300‘s homoerotic reprocessing into heterosexual viability. Subculture erotics rebranded as mass culture product.
The hott understands that the douche carries with them the stamp of class value through encoded referents and signifiers within dress, hair gel, body odor, etc. Sexual desire simply manifests within the primal pull of the culturally validated “other.”
The Hott seeks the douche because she seeks herself as refracted back to her. Distorted through a post-modern lens of name brand echo. A store-bought simulacrum, if you will.
We must save the hott by exposing the construction they become trapped in. We must teach the hott through enlightenment. And, most importantly, we must stare at her boobies. Because they are large and firm.
By questioning our societal construct through the dialectic of mocking the holy hell out of the douches and lusting after their hotts, we find truth. Because by making fun of them, we help ourselves. And, most importantly, we make fun of them. Because they suck.
Deep in the Heart of Tonguescrote
Looks like you roped a filly there but good, yee harrr!! Get ‘er done, Accountant Who Works in a Cubicle With Expense Account While Traveling for Work Guy!!
Hydrangea Plant Care
The French Hydrangea (Hydrangea macrophylla) flowers from buds formed on new growth produced the previous year, so pruning of this variety should be done immediately after blooming in early summer.
Hydrangea macrophylla is hardy to zone 8, however temperatures below 25 degrees F. will kill the new buds. (see the hardiness zone map…)
Hydrangeas need an abundance of water (hydrangea means water tub in Greek), partial to full sun, and very rich soil.
The spent flowers of Hydrangeas should be removed as soon as possible to allow the plant to direct it’s strength to growing and producing new buds rather than seeds. If you didn’t add compost to your hole when planting the Hydrangeas, you might consider replanting, because they thrive in rich soil. Fertilize liberally in the spring using a good all purpose plant food.
Pee Gee Hydrangeas may grow to 25 feet tall, while the more common varieties will usually only attain 6 feet.
Courtesy: The Garden Helper.
Wednesday Limerick
There once was a douchebag named Mack,
If his face moved an inch it would crack,
Hotts love his blank stare,
Because he ain’t no Voltaire,
And his tatts were the prize in his Crackerjack.
Ask DB1
‘BagDad writes in:
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Hey Man,
I’m a dad and I’m seeing a lot of my kid’s friends in pictures with sideways piece signs and their tongues hanging out or with the pouty lip thing going on.. Does this just mean peace or is there some other meaning to it?
Thanks… and keep up the good work! I enjoyed your site!
‘Bagdad
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To understand the sideways peace sign, one must first comprehend what the ancient sherpas of Transcendant Douchosity teach us within the larger meditative practice of Kabaglah. The ‘bag Within must manifest externally as The ‘Bag Without, but this does not mean that they are different. Simply forms of variation, as with potential and kinetic energy. The manifestation and the intent are simply part of a larger whole. Just as an orange is also the color orange, the sideways hand gesture is both poo and poo.
One must meditate on performativity as manifest of the essence of the spirit/soul, and yet the embodiment of the douchal practice.
In conclusion, ambiguously Asian bra boobies are tasty.
Sunky McCheeks
What’s with the sunken cheek Blue Steel look that’s sweeping through douche culture these days? Not a good look, Turturrobag.
Julianna Marguiles Cutie has the nice smile and warm, welcoming cleavite of siren singing animated magpies.
George Foreman Grillz
I’ve got a brilliant late night marketing product: George Foreman Grillz
For the douche who wants to cook a turkey in less than 20 minutes.
With his teeth.
Yupstafemos
So wht happens when yuppies, trustafarians and emo haircuts all get together and create annoying dudes with large goblets and sportscoats with rolled up sleeves?
I say we call them Yupstafemos.
Yupstafemos who can pull Denise Richards in Wild Things hotts in white dresses. So wrong.
And if you’re stumped what to buy your Yupstafemo for the holidays, you can always go with the Baby Dog Tag. Classy.
God damn, I knew I should’ve been born with a trust fund and annoying hair.
Where's Waldouche: The Woodshed Tool
Look carefully, kids.
Somewhere behind this sexy retro cornfed cutie with a great smile, I’ve carefully hidden a standard garden woodshed tool. Complete with exposed undies.
Look closely. I’ll give you another hint. The stomach douche tattoo.
Can you find him?
She’s a tasty black silk drink of lemondrop. He sells for three easy payments of $19.99, has rubber handles and will mulch your dirt.
