DimpleDouche
It’s not the face potholes that bother me about DimpleDouche. Heck, it’s not his fault God jammed thumbtacks into his cheeks. It’s the orange rayon thing clinging to his chest fungus.
Is that really necessary, Dimple D?
Really?
Perky Iowa State School Blondie loves Reality TV, baking muffins and dating greased up gold chain wearing dimple douchewanks.
Stick with the first two hobbies, Kelly. That last one is rank.
Fluke Skybagger
So let’s see, we’ve got Tina Fey Hottie, Debbie Gibson Perky Cute and, well, Fluke Skybagger.
Or maybe that’s Kim Milford, Mark Hamill lookalike from the classic cheese 70s horror flick, Laserblast.
Now if only we could get Crow and Tom Servo to comment on his douchebaggery, we’d be all set.
Yeah. I’m going with the Star Wars to Laserblast to MST3K reference chain. That’s what I get for hittin’ the ‘Train last night. And cuz I haven’t had my coffee yet.
Mmm… Tina Fey. Ever since I first wanted to light Jimmy Fallon’s carefully toussed hair on fire, I’ve had a thing for Tina Fey.
The librarian glasses. It’s gotta be the glasses.
Wednesday Limerick
There once was a mutant mellon head,
With fwippy hair like a zombie undead,
Southern hottie smiled wide,
I should save her tanned hide,
Or perhaps I should A/X him instead.
HCwDB of the Week: Olive Loaf
After an extremely even voting in which all three were only separated by under 10 votes, the Olive Loaf squeaked by and takes the crown by a single length of cleavite. His singular burst of grease and his hottie’s tiny yellow fabric of fantasy. AS The Bleethinator puts it:
Olive Loaf because he reminds me of my childhood because he looks like the offspring of the Chesire Cat and Earthworm Jim. Plus yellow boner hottie is one of the hottest chicks I’ve seen on this site.
Earthworm Jim. Nice. Apparently The Loaf lived in all of our childhood fears, as douche and tonic writes:
The Olive Loaf. He reminds me of….some kind of super villain from the Power Rangers or something.
But this was no slam dunk. No cornrowed side boob of domination. All three finalists found their fans.
Coming in extremely close in second was The Facehugger, who inspired passions among those who threw their pies at his greasy face. As The douche-osopher put it:
Take away the glasses and even the tongue-wagging and you can still see the thug physiognomy, the small protruding chimp-like ears being pushed down below the jawline by the oversized cranium. The effete edge of the jawline combined with the scruffy ‘stache. The helpful boyish ape-charm that says “Here, let me lick those ants off of your face.”
The pug nose, the curly fuzz of chest and navel– all of this– suggests what we have here is something rarely seen and now mostly found in the classic stories of rags-to-riches by the early American writer Horatio Alger, later parodied in the Little Rascals and Three Stooges.. A gritty pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mythology coupled with an almost stunning naivete and optimism. Or stupidity.
Love the Horatio Alger ref, D.O. Facehugger came thisclose to taking the big enchilada this week, and we may yet see a special Douchey Award for that tongue in December.
And then there was The White Shadow. bo and luke douche make the argument for W.S. by using the calibration measurements of the “Hottie Eye”:
Look into pouty lips’ eyes. She’s speaking to us from across the Bleethe divide. She knows she cannot come back; the virus is too strong now. But, she must fight.
Her only ammunition is the sobering realization of what she has become. In her eyes I see an utter disdain for The White Shadow and his dry-erase board graffiti. Her gaze is a warning to those young hotties who are experimenting with the douche. A warning and a call to arms.
Indeed, Mortimer. Indeed.
But notadouche sums up what takes the Loaf over the top this week, and it is the combo hott/choad polarities in perpetual conflict:
there’s no question for me that facehugger is the biggest douchebag. HOWEVER, the site is hot chicks with douchebags, and yellow dress is one of the hottest chicks ever to grace the site. mediocre “something about mary” hair douche makes this week add up to a vote for the olive loaf
So give it up for The Loaf and Yellow Dress. A hard fought and close victory, besting The Facehugger Alien by only a few votes. Punch his ticket and motorboat some Yellow, we’ll see this oily bread again in the Monthly.
Guido Fired First
Not to mix my film references, but I love the Kubrick camera angle with this hott cheese double Guido sandwich.
I can’t tell whether they find the Monolith in this scene, or later. And by Monolith, I mean The Grey Goose.
Speaking of Kubrick, my computer deleted about 20 emails I received today, but it was due to human error. So if you sent me a great pic this morning, please resend to me, your humble narrator in all things hat tilt / thigh tatt, The DB1.
Johnny Blaze
And while we’re going with the classic Orange Islanders from the past few months, site legend Johnny Blaze wanted to get in on the action.
Johnny Blaze says, “Yo, Joey Porsche ain’t got nuthin’ on my spiky fro, yo.”
No he doesn’t, J.B. Flame on.
Brokeback Bucky
Speaking of cowboys, Bucky ‘Bag attempts to merge standard Cowbag with race car jacket and Fratchoad beer selection.
That’s just too many mixed metaphors for one look, Bucky.
Blonde Bustier Perfection can style my hair any day of the week. Choke collar jewelry on young Meg Ryan is an absolutely tasty drink of vitamin water.
A Dude With A Lot of Popped Collars
I really can’t think of what pic would appropriately follow up the Joey Porsche Revival, so here’s a dude with a lot of popped collars.
The Porscharch Test
One of Joey Porsche’s friends waxes erudite in the comments thread:
—–
HAHAHA I laugh at your comments you f#@#ing ringworms!! The p@#$y we get is the type of S@#t you jack off to EVERY F@#$ing NITE!! Come down to Jersey and we’ll really show you whats going on with the GOOSE!! buch of flammers !!
Hey Clementine of Cappadoucha Fagot,
I’ll tell you what I told your mother…Call me whatever you want you f@#$ing hoe !! I’ll cut you and stick you and then let the dogs eat you! You waste of life!
And just so all yous know…I am in the picture! You think you bitches are the only ones that hate on us cause we get more p@#$y the a toilet seat ??!! Take a number, HOMO…while you take a number I’ll take your GF, Mom, and life !! Bitch !!
—-
I did clean up the language for the kids. But as one who frequently uses animal metaphors, I do have to give the Porsche Posse member his due for the “ringworm” dig.
Nicely played, Kissy Lips Man.
The Rodeo Clown
I love the smell of douchebag in the evening… it smells like… Axe.
I can’t tell which makes me want to shove my tongue in a light socket more. The fact Rodeo Clown Col. Kilgore can walk around in plain view wearing only army patterned Fruit of the Loom, or the fact Cute Natalie Portman Bartender Hottie can display such perfect hip-thigh skin in the presence of said Rodeo Clown.
Where’s some angry southern Lynyrd Skynyrd biker types when you need them?
