The Chocodile Hunter
There’s little left to be said about the genius that is White Chocolate. Only that his powers of douchebaggery are possibly 2nd tier only to the hallowed Grieco himself.
Look at this profound douchitude. So many levels, so many permutations, so many ass-chins of douche it’s hard to know where to begin. Top it off with this sultry cherry cuddling up with him, and the only debate left to have is whether W.C. gets one Douchie Award Nomination or gets multiple categories.
He may not have been a HCwDotW winner, but W.C. will always have a place in our hearts. And by “hearts,” I mean collective spew.
Yellowtail
I just had an amazing sushi lunch, so for no particular reason other than that, I’m naming Oldy McSkeeze here “Yellowtail.” Although his sagging chest flesh does sort of remind me of salmon sashimi.
Ugh. Now I’m feeling queasy.
We’ve had oldbags on the site before and they often acquire a sort of folk hero status. Still in the game after all those years. Yet somehow I doubt Yellowtail’s going to gain anything other than collective vomit.
As to the two spicy Salmon Rolls on either side, yes please. I’d dip them both in teriyaki sauce and wash them down with saki. Enhanced California Rolls on the left there are award winning. I suppose I could go for the “box lunch” joke, but that might be pushing it.
HCwD of the Month: Socrates Douche
Admit it.
You didn’t see it coming.
It was gonna be the ‘Bagsgiver or if not him than androgynous Pat and his uber-sexy girlfriend/sister. Well the votes are in and totaled, after one of the lengthiest and funniest debates in the comments thread, and Socrates Douche barely beats out the ‘Bagsgiver in a squeaker. I have S.D. by ONE vote, so it may have been douchebag OUT! flipping that coin at the end that turned the tide. The deciding factor seems to be the fact that Socrates is pure Jersey source-douche. The purest, uncut douche on the market. Not to mention his head is the La Brea Tar Pits of douchitude.
So lets all tip our red cups of cheap wine to the Soc. He is this month’s HCwD of the Month winner.
But have no fear, fellow hotties and ‘bag hunters. All four of these choice samples of Scrote will be eligible for awards during the end of the year “Douchies.” In which, as suggested by undouchesided and mitch meats, we’ll be handing out awards based on our favorite pics. I’m also considering a series in late December called “The Twelve Douchebags of Christmas.” So fan faves like White Chocolate, Big Red, and maybe even the original Shocker, will get honored.
However the “Douchie Of the Year” Award will only go to the winner of the HCwDotY contest, as fair is fair.
In the end it came down to which was more overwhelming, the sunglass wearing sexual power of the ‘Bagsgiver versus the true Jersey source douche of Socrates. “Know thyself” indeed.
cuke makes out the case for Socrates’s supreme douchebaggery:
His two internet amateur porn hotties from the Valley, his black, Eyetalian skeez jersey that just screams “My pizzabox laden apt is a 1/2 a block off the New Jersey Turnpike” , the silver trackpants. the 4 buck knockoff euro shades– Socrates’ pic emits a rotten stench of douchbaggery that you couldn’t wash off with a tub of bleach and a brillo pad. But the clincher is that massive silver cross on his greasy, waxed Bag chest. He’s a Werewolf Hunter Douche. He’s a Douche for Jesus. He’s The Father, Son and Holy Ghost of Douche. Please, let us all bow our heads in prayer to His Holy Doucheness, Lord Socrates. Amen.
And then there’s mitch meats, who may be in the running for “best metaphor in the comments section of the year” describing the haunting nature of the ‘Bagsgiver:
‘Bagsgiver: What else needs to be said? This putrid ass hat has been haunting me nightly as I cry softly to myself. I guess I should be thankful that he has replaced the nightmare where all my teeth break while eating a butterscotch. But I still want a stingray to stab him in the heart.
Until, in a shocker (and not that kind of “shocker”), MM reverses himself and casts in with the stealth uber-douche power of S.D.:
But, even though I know I said ‘bagsgiver was a shoe-in for HCwDotY, I’m gonna have to agree with some other folks in choosing Socrates as the upstart rag-tag giant-killing shit stain of the century. I had forgotten about him until I saw myself in his forehead and promptly punched my own mother in the face.
As baron von douchehausen explains, Jersey Douche is just too powerful to ignore. Not even two naked hotties with a spikey knob can overcome its unholy source-douche:
Alas, as in music, it comes down to the roots, the source. Heavy Jersey Douche is douchetude in its purest form. All other styles are merely variations on this basic theme. And while variety can be kitschy and cool and serves a purpose for cultural growth and innovation, we must, at last, when confronted with such a broad spectrum of grease, faux-jewelry, and gorgeous hottie skin, find ourselves judging on the basics.
But the Bagsgiver definitely has his fans. As il douche succinctly observes:
Bagsgiver, on the other hand, is already in a house and any of those doors could lead to the bedroom in which those girls will double team him. If you still don’t agree that he’s the worst of the year, go back and read that last sentence again and let it linger. Let it eat away at your imagination and you sense of what is right in the world.
As to the legend of Pat, jem sums it up in an almost haiku format:
ok, no hand gestures but LOOK AT HIM. I just..gah. its definately 4
But bmt brings it home for Socrates:
So I’ve got to go with Socrates. He’s got no weaknesses. Every catergory this site espouses as criteria for douchetude he meets. The clinching factor is how absolutely soaked his face is in douche resin. There’s so much light reflecting from his grill that if you stare at his cheek you can see what happened on Pluto 20 million light years ago.
Good job, people. Yes, we all feel dirty as a result. But we have done our work like the finest of ‘Bag Hunters. In the great historical tradition of William “Scrote Hunter” Wallace and Genghis “Bagslayer” Kahn, we are hunting down the poo and the hotties who love them.
Man, that comments section was good. I need a cig.
Blondenstein
Last minute votes are still trickling in for the HCwD of the Month. I’ll post the winner tomorrow, who will face off with previous HCwD of the Month winners in my extremely disorganized and half-assed HCwDotY contest in a few weeks.
Why disorganized? Because of the seven months I’ve been running this site, I’ve only managed to organize three actual HCwD of the Month contests.
Kids, alcohol kills brain cells.
And then there’s Blondenstein here.
HCwDotM Voting Still Open
Douchestar Runner asks a good question in regards to the HCwDotM voting:
DB1–correct me if I’m wrong here, but the 4 pictures here are the only things we’re voting on, right? A ‘bag’s previous pictures, myspace pages, testimonials from friends, etc… should not be criteria used for voting.
That is correct. Extratextual information should not inform the voting process, however if a ‘bag has made previous appearances on this site in other pics (like Pat, or W.C.), it is acceptable to take that into secondary consideration.
However the power of the HCwD pic should lie in the total emotional experience of just that pic. On its own. So whomever “Pat” is in real life should not affect your vote so much as whether Pat, or the ‘Bagsgiver or BloomBag make you most want to slam your head in a car-door while dreaming of his hottie’s creamy thighs.
And no changing votes. I got enough problems trying to add up the tally without higher math getting involved. But god damn, that’s a funny-ass thread. Some genius comments in there. A definite classic.
Dumbo
This elephant eared, sneering, ‘bag hand gesture #94 making turd muncher is the perfect douche to fire up the energy and piss me off enough to motivate for the day. I get that vaguely Australian vibe, which as anyone who’s ever been to a youth hostel anywhere in the world knows, has produced it’s share of its own form of unique douchebaggery.
Which brings up the question, wtf Australia? Are there any people actually living IN your country? Or is everyone simply camped out at Youth Hostels all across Europe and the U.S.?
I love hottie on the right. Love that pouty stare and English bob cut. She’s like an S&M Edith Wharton heroine. I’d let her spank me while correcting my grammar and preparing four o’clock tea.
Creepy McGee
I feel like Creepy’s been on the site before, but once again, damn you, cheap wine! My brain addled state is no way to go through life, son. Elfen cuties are a little strange looking, thy make me want to protect them in the battle for Mordor. But I’d still celebrate their curves in a rousing game of dwarf tossing.
And no, “dwarf tossing” is not a metaphor for wanking.
Anyways, this lesser inverted ‘bag sandwich combo is merely a side dish as we see which way the HCwDotM contest is heading. I’m surprised to see Pat picking up so much steam, but know that all our candidates are worthy of The Hall of Scrote, a subsection of the site I will be putting together whenever I learn how to actually code HTML.
In the meantime, mmm… coco puffs…
Jiffy Pop
I remember back at summer camp when we’d sit around the campfire popping Jiffy Pops on the flames, and the aluminum popcorn bag would slowly form into the shape of this scrote’s head.
Okay, hottie isn’t that hot, but she does have a fantastic back. But there was no way Jiffy Pop shouldn’t get some douchespect on the site, what with exploding hair and the horrifying red-silk-shirt and black-tie combo that went out when Robert Palmer died (RIP).
Not to mention that drink. What male organism this side of Pat holds a drink like that?
EDIT: Damn, if Rogue is under age, I’m getting old. She looks 19 to me.
Oily and Rogue
I have a definite thing for Anna Pacquin’s “Rogue” in X-Men, and so for that reason this Rogue-hottie and her creepy ‘bag are a nice afternoon chaser while we contemplate the explosion of scrote in the HCwDotM thread.
Speaking of, God damn, those are some funny-ass comments. Keep ’em coming. I have a feeling this is going to be a tight vote. Almost as tight as Pat’s cooch.
HCwD of the Month
Well here it is, folks, the moment you’ve been waiting for. The long awaited smackdown of smackdowns. Clash of the Douchebags. Mad Max in Beyond Doucherdome. Driving Mrs. Douchey (wait, that last one doesn’t really work). Which one of these four candidates will join our hallowed Hall o’ Scrote with such classics as Glinty and Dung Beetle? Only you can make that determination.
Sure I could ramble on a bit more about how deserving all of these HCwDotW winners are to enter the next level of noxious odor, but you already know all that. You see the dripping hair gel on their douchey foreheads. You smell the Tag Bodyshots and are blinded by the ‘bling. So without futher ado, here are our candidates for Hot Chick with Douchebag of the Month:
HCwDotW #1: The ‘Bagsgiver
It’s rare to see the HCwD phenomenon so utterly stripped to its bare essentials, rendered naked in all its douchey glory, but here it is — all that is unholy and wrong with douchebaggery and the hotties who love them.
This one’s killed some of this site’s readers with heart conditions. It hurts on a gut level. Not to mention a puke level.
As others have wondered, what is the backstory here? How could sweet young nymphs not see this pukey pud as the pile of poo he really is? And do I score any points for the alliteration in that last sentence?
HCwDotW #2: BloomBag and the Striped Raven
An underrated HCwD explosion, not as obvious as the ‘BagsGiver, but still high on the upchuck factor. To quote Chet in Weird Science, “How about a nice, greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?”
Well Chet, here it is. A greasy pork sandwhich served in an ashtray. And Striped Raven makes me all sorts of tingly in ways I haven’t felt since we rigged up cable to get the Playboy channel in 8th grade. Well, we turned the T.V. to channel “4” instead of “3” and put cable a station lower, but we mostly got static. But clear sound. And when you’re thirteen and could hump a tree, Playboy channel sound is good enough.
HCwDotW #3: Socrates Douche
Never underestimate the power of scrote in a pic where you could power North Korea by burning the oil off this guidobag’s forehead.
Not to mention fake-ID hottie on the right is simply delectable. I would drift off to sleep between her cleavite while dreaming of cotton candy.
HCwDotW #4: Pat
Pat hurts on a completely different level from the other scrotes. He’s unnerving. It’s like that old Twilight Zone where they unwrap the woman in the hospital who’s head is bandaged, only to reveal all the doctors really look like Pat.
Where’s Rod Serling when you need him?
Anyways, there you have it, four worthy candidates. The ‘BagsGiver has to be the early favorite for the sheer power of naked hotness, but the other three pics have hotness of comparable worth. Not to mention scrote of comparable douchebaggery.
This is no runaway doucheslide. Think long and hard. Which of these four pics most makes you want to shoot yourself in the head with a nailgun? Which combos contain BOTH the elements of the worst of American Douchebaggery and Young Hotness? Which makes you want to down HoHos with a bottle of Irish Rose? Oh wait, that last one was just for me.
Have at it, fellow ‘bag hunters and hotties. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
