Monday, January 31, 2005

Captain Odorous

Captain ShenanigansYARRR! Avast ye slobs…say oi to Captain Odorous and his First Mate, Candi Sugars.

And by first mate I mean the first female that has ever allowed him to mate with her.

I’d swab her poop-decks…

# posted by admin
2:48 pm May, 20 Vin Douchal said...

Captain Odorous takes it in the stern

3:12 pm May, 20 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

I’m torn by which spelling of Seaman/Semen to use in a joke…

3:12 pm May, 20 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

I’d like to see her Sailor moon…

3:31 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d let her polish me scabbard.

3:32 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

It’s been a long road downhill for the Yamaguchi’s.

3:40 pm May, 20 dickie fingers said...

Captain Odorous of the HMS Skidmark.

4:49 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

Getting a spine-shank done today; they’re gonna stick a size large needle in my hind spine, then jab a hot wire through that needle and burn away the insulting nerves.
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I think they’re making this shit up as they go.
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So I may be missing a post tomorrow, or if I regain semi-consciousness I may post but it might be in the style of Reverend Chad. Son.
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Take two ass-burns and call me in the mornings.

4:50 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

I’d broadside her from stem to stern

4:50 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

I’d bath in her bilge-water.

4:50 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

I’d scrape her barnacles.
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.
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what

5:02 pm May, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

I would shiver her timbers

6:21 pm May, 20 creature said...

that’s one cock eyed wench

8:09 pm May, 20 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Thar she blows! (He hopes.)

8:24 pm May, 20 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

IGNORE THIS RANT:
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Back from a self-imposed vacation from the job I fuccen hate so I gots lots of bile to spread around this place. If any of you are thinking of lettin’ your kids go to college, make ’em earn it. If they get bad grades in school, slap ’em upside the head until those neurons start connecting and firing. I’m sick of seeing dumb kids who think they don’t have to work to get a grade. Shits pissin’ me off majorly. “Oh but math is hard Doc Bunsen.” Yeah, well, then let me manage the paychecks you’re gonna be gettin’ from Taco Bell then asshole. Since you can’t figure out simple fuccen fractions I’ll just tell you how much you owe me. And quit thinking you’re entitled to anything just because you paid large sums of money to this place to get an “education”. The world doesn’t owe you shit and the sooner you find that out the better. All you did was fucck off for 4 years and then panicked the last semester because you might not graduate. Where was all this concern when you were drinking yourself stoopid every fuccen night? “But this stuff is hard and it hurts my pea brain to think about it>” Yeah, taht’s what college is for dicknose. If your head don’t hurt, you ain’t usin’ it right. Goddamn fuccktards. And then have my boss tell me that we need to keep our number of majors up so the fuccen bean counters at this place don’t cut our yearly budget. You gotta be fuccen kiddin’ me. And then these little asshole get to evaluate me on how I do my job? Seriously? What the fucck does the average 18-22 year old know about teaching? I tell you what, it’s jack fuccen shit. I spend upwards of 60 hours a week tryin’ to come up with stuff to make things easier for you but you still can’t grasp the idea that algebra is used by everyone? Shit my dogs can use calculus to minimize a function (they know to run in straight lines instead of making 85 twists and turns to get somewhere). So please I’m begging all of you. Make your kid(s) work for a few years BEFORE going to college. Have them pay for their own education without any help from you whatsoever. That way maybe they’ll come in a little more mature and take things a lot more seriously.
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END USELESS RANT
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Now about the pic: Captain Odorous looks like he likes to play Poopchutes and Bladders while he’s on the H.M.S. Pinherflower. But only with the deckhands.

8:51 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

Damn right Doc. Fuccen dicknoses.
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Full disclosure: I’m a licensed architect; I’ve designed and overseen the construction of over $1,000,000,000 (that’s one billion…I think) worth of buildings. But I’ve never had trig. I suck at math. But I hire engineers to do that shit. I can eyeball structure and tell if it’s over-designed. Or under-designed.
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So my view on math is like my view on Justice: Everyone must submit to it.
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Except me.
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DickNoses.
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And roger that on this wave of millennials who slide through 4 years (or 5~6 years for architecture) of college advanced drinking adventures, graduate, say “whew…paid me dues…where’s my SUV, big house and 6 figure salary?” Seriously…many of the interns we’ve hired from the last 10 years suffer from this delusion that college was the struggle, and that they are owed the same salary, lifestyle and level of material accrual that their parents currently have. I can’t wait to hire the next wave. We’ve not hired a wave of grads for 5 years now thanks to the assholes that melted the economy down, got bailed out, then sat on that cash instead of pushing it into development. So when we begin hiring again in earnest we will have a generation of young professionals who will be delighted just to have a fuccen job. And they will leapfrog the guys we hired in fat and happy times within 10 years. I’ve seen in happen; I did it. I came out in the big late 90’s recession. Starting salary of $15k after 5 years of college. Busted my ass (literally; my back surgeries are from blown disks, a half dozen of them, from crunching 70~80 hour weeks on massive projects).
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I made partner in my late 30’s. And passed a lot of dead weight on my way up. These new kids will be like that. I won’t miss the millennials. We were desperate to hire in the aftermath of Katrina; we had a whole coast to rebuild. Grew the firm from 40 to 100 in a year. And back then we actually had to COMPETE with other firms for graduates. But I remember this one kid I interviewed at a job fair for architectural grads at MSU in 2007. Came in the small interview room we were assigned by the university…he was wearing an old t-shirt with some snarky saying on it. He leaned back before I could introduce myself and said “Okay…convince me why I should come work for YOU.”
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I sat there for a second, smiled, folded my fingers together and said “Son, I can’t think of one single fucking reason….NEXT!”.
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Slackers.

9:44 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

And obviously I did not get my surgical procedure done.
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For years I’ve had borderline high blood pressure. Bottom number’s always 90. Before the last two spinal blocks done in prep for this cauterization the surgeon scolded me mildly. But I ain’t takin’ no olde folke pills.
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So I come in this afternoon. The HOT little blonde nurse that I’d seen in pre-op the prior two times was my nurse this time. (You may recall during my last major surgery I left with both my nurse’s phone numbers. I like nurses. Fuck you, Judgmental DickNoses). We’d exchanged furtive glances the last time but I figured she was lookin’ at me because I kept stealing glances at her.
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So she comes in, makes small talk during the prep. She heard me tell the very sweet but wookie-like older nurse that brought me from waiting that I was an architect; when the nurse asked what buildings I’d done I rattled off a few; they’re the big new buildings on the coast; new museums, schools, convention centers, etc. So here comes petite blonde nurse right behind her. She says my wife must be so proud…I say, noticing her ring-free finger, that I’m 2 years divorced. She says the same for her. Then she tells me she’s not hitting on me or anything but she thinks I’m a “damn good-looking man”…then we start hitting on each other. She’s 29, 5′-1”, petite with pert b-cups and a rump that belongs on Fridays Thoughts and Links. The girl on Game of Thrones who plays Khaleesi…she could be her country cousin but with a sexy southern accent. She asks if I’m still looking for The One, that I seem like a nice guy, etc….her perfume smells like flowers. She keeps leaning in and touching me with her thigh, and doesn’t not pull back from contact, while making eye contact.
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Then of course the blood pressure reading comes in high. Gee, I don’t know why…all the blood is suddenly in my surging turgid tunnel beef.
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She stays in the cubbie with me, takes three other readings…Doc steps in and says he’s being overly conservative but he cancels the procedure.
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DAMN YOU SOCK-DONG.
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So, all that to say I’ll be posting later tonight instead of sleeping off a beautiful anesthetic haze and waking up to that hated pinched nerve being burned off like the wings of a wasp whose nest was torched by my drunken uncle John Earl, who burned half his house down exterminating wasp nests from his eaves with a hickory stick wrapped on one end with a gas-soaked old t-shirt.
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Hornitos
hottie body

9:55 pm May, 20 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Moved from New Jersey to Gulfport in 2001. Was there for five years. Stayed until my wife helped re-open Beau Rivage a year after Katrina, and then left for corporate in Las Vegas. I often say they were the five longest years of my life.
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Everyone in my family took one of those stupid on-line tests that would tell you how big of a Yankee you are. I’m the only one in the family who’s a true son of the South. Born in Georgia. But, yep, I was the biggest Yankee of the bunch.
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They still don’t like Yankees down there.
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Son.

10:02 pm May, 20 admin said...

Damn, Har Har…you wuz in my town! My firm turned down the repairs of the Beau; it would’ve taken the whole firm and we had dozens of schools, fire stations and city buildings all up and down the coast to rebuild. Casino folke aren’t always too nice to work with. Although the Beau seems like decent folk.
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I came to the Coast, off my first divorce to the present-but-then-future-Ex-Mrs-DarkSock 2.0 in 2000.
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Too hot down here.
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Son.

10:02 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

DAMMIT
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I mean,
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Damn, Har Har…you wuz in my town! My firm turned down the repairs of the Beau; it would’ve taken the whole firm and we had dozens of schools, fire stations and city buildings all up and down the coast to rebuild. Casino folke aren’t always too nice to work with. Although the Beau seems like decent folk.
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I came to the Coast, off my first divorce to the present-but-then-future-Ex-Mrs-DarkSock 2.0 in 2000.
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Too hot down here.
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Son.

10:11 pm May, 20 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

The second day after we moved to Vegas, I got out of the shower and said, “Damn! My towel is dry!” I didn’t have a dry bath towel in five years.
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Humidity sucks!
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It got ugly after Katrina. I had a warehouse off 49. Made out fairly well with respect to damage, especially compared to most people. But had a hole in the roof they didn’t repair for almost a year. The day they repaired it, i got notice they were raising the rent 300%. Space was in short supply. Helped make the decision to hit the road a little easier.
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Captain Odorous of the HMS Hornblower.

11:32 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

The best description of Biloxi Humidity I heard from one of the young architects I convinced to relocate to Biloxi from way up north (of I-10) was this:
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“Imagine you take a steamy hot shower…so steamy you can barely breath. Then step out and instead of towelling off, spray your body with Pam and then get into your work clothes and spend the rest of the day in your attic.
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You know what I’m sayin’, Ed Hardy Har Har.
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Sweaters.
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Oh, yeah…new post as promised, from the Land O’ Swamp Ass Sticky Heat:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/02/caption-this-spectacle/

11:45 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I just got some A+’s in a corporate law course. I don’t fucking study. I have to use math, including some advanced functions that I allow my computer to do. I have to make my huge post-natal huge -shitting wife happy and shit. But I sure would like to fuck some young nurslings before the donuts take control. Do I like following commodities and farm shit? Fuck no!
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I’ve convinced my kids that they have to take half of their BA or BS before they finish high school at the local community college. Then they get a car and commute fairly locally to law school. When they finish law school they can float for a few years.
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I know millenials and they are so stupid they get fired for not knowing how to pick shingles off of the Earth. Fucktard tweeter-twatters. What? I took my kids into the office and told them I am prodded by Beast Monkeys speaking french all day. They didn’t believe me and put it off to the Valtrex.
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Fuck I’m mad now.

1:58 am May, 21 DarkSock said...

Dammit Doc you done went and upset Rev and got his shingles burnin’ again.
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Agitators.
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23

5:46 am May, 21 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Captain Stupid says welcome aboard the USS Herpsquirt

5:48 am May, 21 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Is keelhauling still a legal form of punishment on the open seas?

11:29 am May, 21 dickie fingers said...

I have a son graduating high school this year. He doesn’t like school much and I can’t see any advantage to insisting that he go to college at this point, since I don’t think he’d get much out of it.
His short term plans include surfing in Mexico and working and boarding at a ski resort out west. I wish I had done that myself.

3:21 pm May, 21 DarkSock said...

I wish I’d skipped college and instead aggressively marketed my Drildo™ idea to Adam & Eve Products™.

3:26 pm May, 21 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Rev
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Didn’t mean to be pissin’ you off or nuthin’. I just needed to blow off some steam after reading what a bunch of 21 year old twatwaffles had to say about how “unfairly” they were treated (grow some fuccen nuts will ya?) during class. I’m sorry that I treat you assholes like adults and shit and expect you to remember stuff you “learned” from two years ago. Jeebus fuccen Christ! That shingles stuff will kill ya. Fibromyalgia ain’t much fun either.
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@ ‘Sock
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Can I print out your post and read it verbatim to my next class? I know it will go straight through that breezeway between their ears but at least I’ll feel better. And good luck with the nurse. Maybe you’ll require a little “in-home” care from her. *wink, wink, nudge, ndge, knowhatimean?*

3:44 pm May, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Dr. B
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We were waiting for your spring venting session. Fucking millenials. Don’t forget your meds. I’m grooving out of the shingles. Sat out yesterday and my igloo white skin getting cleansed to the dermis by my old friend the sun that we see for about 90 days up here. Last Valtrex today..with whiskey, and weed, and Cymbalta, and Lyrica, and Clonazepam and Neurontin..and Bubba Kush.
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Love the Bubba Kush.

12:34 pm May, 22 dickie fingers said...

Drildo sounds like a winner. Is it based on a 1/2″ hammer drill or is pneumatic?

3:02 pm May, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I’d christen the aft of her keel.

2:31 pm May, 23 The Dude said...

I’d put my port in her starboard.

I’m not a sailor. True story.

3:48 pm May, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Hey, why haven’t some of you pussies spilled your guts in the “Damn you, King Alcohol” thread?
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It’s salty in there

12:31 am June, 20 Douchocos said...

I heard that Robert Downey Jr loved the China broads but never had seen a picture of it before.
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Or they are remaking Gilligan’s Island with Downey playing the Skipper and Mary Ann’s character being replaced by Ling Bang.

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