Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ole 'Bag Eyes

Creepy OldBags on the site can go either way. They can be seen as utterly rank sections of shriveled sack that needs to be put out to pasture. Or they can take on the aura of folk hero. Hope for all of us for when we enter Viagra Days.

Hard to say which way Ole ‘Bag Eyes will break. Is he playing dress-up in an ode to a Douche Sinatra? Or, like Yellowtail, is he some greasy record type who loves to hang out with hotties half his age?

Even more important, how does one get PBR stains out of a rug? Stupid PBR cans. So easy to knock over.

I would lick honey off Belly Dancing Hottie’s lower left chest area like I was probing for rib cartilage.

Velveeta Bag II

Apologies on the brief pop-up ad thingy that was appearing on some people’s computers. It was some new code from the National Lampoon network that I’ve since removed.

To make up for it, here’s another pic of Velveeta ‘Bag from last March, clearly having reached the next level of Zen Douchosity.

The Beard

Is Grizzly a ‘bag? Probably not. Simply looking like an upside down troll doll is not enough. Lack of ‘bag hand gestures and the politest non-touch embrace we’ve seen in months make Griz probably a decent enough guy, even if he is dressed like a 1993 Steven Seagal.

But she is a tasty specimen with healthy mammaries and a fertile womb. And so I stare at her boobs and drool.

King D's Victory Celebration

Here’s King Douchuous IV, out of his royal garb and in civilian ‘bag clothes, celebrating his win in the Weekly in true uber-douche style.

With a butt fondle.

And I see he brought along Prince Choadmunch to help hoist those Stanley Cups.

The Trainwreck

Staring at this travesty of a mockery, this douchenigma wrapped in a scrotal surrounded by a bagestry is like shoving hot peppers down my medulla oblongata while gargling U-Bet chocolate syrup mixed with razor blades.

It’s a psychological sixteen car pileup on the cultural highway, an epic trainwreck of the subconscious, a swirling mix of societal rot. A mish-mash of signifiers of a meaning structure gone horribly, psychedelically and douche-scrotally wrong.

I can’t look away.

Is this a fever-dream hallucination? Can anyone make sense of the fourteen incongruities that make up this Freudian manifestation of my deep-rooted hatred of my parents?

Does the orange Gatorade represent sexual jealousy?

Or perhaps the spilled food is a metaphor for longing and dissatisfaction?

The open fridge perhaps symbolizes the opportunity to choose a different path.

While the ubiquitous Grey Goose bottle suggests celebration and exhileration with change.

And muscle choad’s ginormous mandana, cloth bracelet, exposed underwear and douche-face suggest there is no God.

That’s it. I’m going back to bed.

Limerick Wednesday

PIC DELETED

Beware the Douche-Tan who hovers,
His ‘pop and his shirt will uncover,
A 40 year surf,
Skin leathered like nerf,
So turn tail and become lesbian lovers.

All right all you creative readers and long-time lurkers, time to step up. Limerick this pic in the comments thread.

HCwDB of the Week: King Douchuous IV

I haven’t seen a King ascend to the throne with such dispute since Anthony I, King of Portugal, the Prior of Crato, in 1580. Or, for the cheap seats, since that singer got kicked off American Idol when the other singer won a disputed voting contest. You know. That singer. Who beat the other singer. And everyone was outraged. I’m assuming this must’ve happened on at least one season of that putrid trainwreck, so go with it.

This may be the tightest vote in HCwDB history. I’m talking as tight as the pefect blond apple butt featured in the last post. All three seperated by two votes or less.

And yet, even with Lockjaw’s premature dejaculation, he lost fairly to the King. lone scrote mcquade takes on the perplexing challenge of identifying whether or not the King is a Douche-Pro or not:

Let’s say he was a DJ or musician. Why would that discredit him? He would still have to create his look and be proud wearing it. He looks rather proud to me. I can understand discrediting him if we knew that he was a corporate creation, but he’s obviously not famous enough for us to know. We must remember that a douchebag does what he does for one reason only: scoring (or bagging) hotties. If King D. gets to put his royal scepter in even one of these blondes, then he wins. By the looks of them, he just might be getting a 2 for 1 deal. Case closed.

Well said, LSM. That’s exactly it. There’s no clear sign that King Douchuous is DJing it up, he may actually simply be taking on the Hotties at a party through the classic douche moves. Therefore he is a worthy winner. douche vader also poses what I like to call the “Clubnundrum”:

If this picture was taken in some club, I might be less inclined to vote for him because of potential pro status, but this is taken in someone’s house. Someone’s nice house! And furthermore, do we have hot chicks in this picture! YES! Yes we do. Those boobs are literally spilling out of that outfit. And that skirt! And the other girl in the leopard, and the girl on girl reach behind…so much is wrong and right with this picture. That’s why King deserves your vote for the weekly.

The hottie factor is high with the King. The arch douche concurs:

My vote is for King D, for the gold tie and the fact that polka-dot seems to be showing a remarkably few signs of grecofication, whilst her peers seem to be bleethed up to their eyeballs and beyond.

I find her resistance most heart warming.

She’s most certainly warming something, arch d. The Finger almost pulled off the upset on the pure uncut power of the douche-face and hair fungus, not to mention the Bunny Hott, but fell just short at the end. douche limbaugh, aka darksock gives the Finger back to the Finger:

No contest; for me it’s The Finger. Lockjaw can give his Mom the blouse back as he skulks back into her basement/his room. King Douchuous can hand back his Burger King big kids meal crown. It’s the Finger.

And upright douchuous also casts in for Fingerness while briliantly suggesting we create a Scrotum Pole:

The Finger has my vote. That head of his looks like it’s square enough to satisfy even an engineering student of it’s structural integrity. Plus he’s got that stupid-ass fro-hawk thing.

I plan to start a totem pole(scrot-em pole?) of DB heads that will stretch to the sky, and his head would be at the bottom.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

King Douchuous and the Hotts of the Round Table, come on down. You’re the Weekly victar. Raise that scepter and assume your crown of gelled douchosity that you so richly deserve.

Submitting Pics to HCwDB

Submitting pics to me, DB1, here at HCwDB is the heart and soul of this site. Without my fellow ‘bag hunters patrolling the swamps and cesspools of MySpace, Facebook and various club pic sites, the genius cuts of scrote/hott I serve up on a daily basis wouldn’t be possible. And while we’ll occasionally lose a Lockjaw, the Holy Mission of exposing douchebaggery and Hott commingling more than justifies these small losses.

But with the increase in emails, now seems a good time on the general guidelines on what NOT to submit to me for consideration.

If you think you’ve found a worthy pic and are about to email it to me, first run through this handy checklist. And by handy, I mean perfect rump.

Do NOT send the pic if any of the following apply:

1. Your best friend posing at a car show with a professional Hottie paid to be there. Especially when your best friend not only has zero douchey characteristics, but looks like Drew, the O-Face guy in Office Space.

2. Your best friend’s prom pic. Unless he’s The Prompa, save it.

3. A pic of an ex-boyfriend whom you explain in graphic detail screwed over either you, your sister or your sorority friend, followed by begging me to run it on the site to get back at him. Yet the pic only features a closeup, and he’s smiling and looks like a cast member from Boy Meets World.

4. A pic of four douchebags sitting around, drinking beer, with nary a hottie in sight. Please note the title of the site. While exceptional douche-only pics are worth submitting, as they often run with Reader Mail, four run of the mill ‘bags are not in keeping with the site’s modus operandi.

5. Pics of Fred Thompson or Dennis Kucinich with their respective wives. Yes, they are both serious douchebags. Yes they both have hottie trophy wives. But no I will not run them.

6. Halloween pics. While I’ll make the occasional exception for the uber-hott who displays her inner slut on the Hallows Eve, a dude dressed in costume is not a douchebag. By definition. There are occasional exceptions to this rule, but they are rare.

7. Awkward blurry cell-phone pics of some dude you had a one night stand with. Look, I’m sorry he gave you crabs, but I’m not running it on the site.

I will, however, happily consider any pic that reasonably conforms to the site’s mission statement. So please keep sending the good ones. And by good, I mean hottie/scrotey. The Zen Douche Buddhist Duality. Without you ‘bag hunters and hotties tracking down the HCwDB wrongness, I might have to stop drinking at 10am and do some work around here. I also enjoy hearing from anyone who just wants to say hi, or is a hottie and can prove it with pics, preferably graphic ones. So with that being said, drop a line and say boo. I’m slow to respond but I read all emails. My email remains: douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

PopoZaoBag

In trying to unscare myself from the Bagfoot trainwreck, I needed a light chaser. PopoZaoBag is it.

Looks like we’ve discovered another wannabe Federbag using the powerful “Shocker” + Red Cup move. Factor in the douche-face and 20 Degree Hat Tilt, and tree frogs are dying in Madagascar as a result of Douchal Warming.

Hotties may be High School, so I will simply say that I would roll Kate Winslet hottie on the right through fields of lilies and cowpies until her dizziness meant I could stare at her boobs while she stumbled around, annoyed and confused.

After she turns 18, of course.

Bagfoot

I…

gach…

He’s….

foof…

The face…

gahhh….

blub.