Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douche Baldwin

I’m sort of confused by Douche Baldwin’s aqua plaid “nerd” look. It’s like he raided Ken’s wardrobe from Real Genius, then launched into the brilliant scenery chewing I am God speech from Malice.

Dammit, too many film references for a Thursday.

Pokemom’s boobs and bling are a toxic swirl of hott and douchebaguette, rendering a deep rooted phallic confusion. Do I want to hump the Pokemom like a cracked out ferret? Or is there about to be a phone call in the background from a little boy looking for his mom, Maggie?

Yeah. I’m film referencing scat style like a riffing Cab Calloway because I’m hung over. I blame it on the booze. And the In-n-out Burgers. Those are good burgers, Walter.

The 2007 Douchies: Starts December 17th

HCwDB Hall of Scrote member, The Gator, is breaking out the orange tan and forehead grease as he gets ready for the 2007 Douchies.

But which Douchie will The Gator win? HCwDB of the Year? Lifetime Achievement? Douchiest Orangedness?

The 2007 Douchies. Smell the Axe.

Awards will begin being handed out the week of December 17th.

12 Seconds of Uberdouche

It’s like wiring a car battery to your nads.

Ask DB1: The Appeal of the STDs

snarky writes in:

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I just had a very disturbing conversation with a female friend of mine. I was partaking in the insanity known as the Hall of Scrote STDs (The Stereodouchtonic Twins) and I sent her a link with the picture of these double pile of elephant scrote. and her response:

Your thoughts?
—-

You have touched on the eternal meta-question of our times, Snarky.

The answer lies within the notion of intersecting mass media cultural capital as a market based mechanism recontextualizing sexuality as commodity. The Douche acquires name brand status as a result of glossy men’s magazines, overt preening and next-generation Top Gun by way of the Spartans in 300‘s homoerotic reprocessing into heterosexual viability. Subculture erotics rebranded as mass culture product.

The hott understands that the douche carries with them the stamp of class value through encoded referents and signifiers within dress, hair gel, body odor, etc. Sexual desire simply manifests within the primal pull of the culturally validated “other.”

The Hott seeks the douche because she seeks herself as refracted back to her. Distorted through a post-modern lens of name brand echo. A store-bought simulacrum, if you will.

We must save the hott by exposing the construction they become trapped in. We must teach the hott through enlightenment. And, most importantly, we must stare at her boobies. Because they are large and firm.

By questioning our societal construct through the dialectic of mocking the holy hell out of the douches and lusting after their hotts, we find truth. Because by making fun of them, we help ourselves. And, most importantly, we make fun of them. Because they suck.

Deep in the Heart of Tonguescrote

Looks like you roped a filly there but good, yee harrr!! Get ‘er done, Accountant Who Works in a Cubicle With Expense Account While Traveling for Work Guy!!

Hydrangea Plant Care

The French Hydrangea (Hydrangea macrophylla) flowers from buds formed on new growth produced the previous year, so pruning of this variety should be done immediately after blooming in early summer.

Pee Gee Hydrangeas may grow to 25 feet tall, while the more common varieties will usually only attain 6 feet.

Courtesy: The Garden Helper.

Wednesday Limerick

There once was a douchebag named Mack,
If his face moved an inch it would crack,
Hotts love his blank stare,
Because he ain’t no Voltaire,
And his tatts were the prize in his Crackerjack.

Ask DB1

‘BagDad writes in:

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Hey Man,

‘Bagdad
—-

To understand the sideways peace sign, one must first comprehend what the ancient sherpas of Transcendant Douchosity teach us within the larger meditative practice of Kabaglah. The ‘bag Within must manifest externally as The ‘Bag Without, but this does not mean that they are different. Simply forms of variation, as with potential and kinetic energy. The manifestation and the intent are simply part of a larger whole. Just as an orange is also the color orange, the sideways hand gesture is both poo and poo.

One must meditate on performativity as manifest of the essence of the spirit/soul, and yet the embodiment of the douchal practice.

In conclusion, ambiguously Asian bra boobies are tasty.

Sunky McCheeks

What’s with the sunken cheek Blue Steel look that’s sweeping through douche culture these days? Not a good look, Turturrobag.

Julianna Marguiles Cutie has the nice smile and warm, welcoming cleavite of siren singing animated magpies.

George Foreman Grillz

I’ve got a brilliant late night marketing product: George Foreman Grillz

For the douche who wants to cook a turkey in less than 20 minutes.

With his teeth.