Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks

Due to yesterday’s traffic spike and subsequent technical fixes, I’m a day late figuring out the Weekly. But let there be no doubt. He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks and his inebriated girl are landslide victors.

This is one of those rare HCwDB winners in which the hottie/douchey viscerality was far outweighed by the power of the scrote’s writing.

Here’s just a taste of his genius scat poetry:

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first off bitch I aint white..second off I ain’t payin for no sex I rather buy a rolex…I like blondes, tanned bitches, brunettes..meh..yah meh..haters not welcome…gold diggers and stuck up bitches take a hike…I definitely don’t have time for people who don’t got time for me…I’m not down to earth..think of me as a bastard that can only please you sexually…I got mad money but I don’t tell anyone…simply don’t be messing that pleasure business s@#t together know what I mean? Or as camron says “ya dig?”
—-

You can read the full entries of HJBBaD’s scrotal raps here and here.

As Scrotocaster puts it in the comments thread:

He Just Bangs Bitches And Drinks is not merely a douche. He is a mindset. He is an action. He is what drives us all to fits of rage.

Very true, SC, and well said. To understand this pic, we must journey away from the visceral psychoanalytic effect, what Roland Barthes calls The Punctum, and factor in the words, the text, the pic’s “voice” if you will, of this heaping scrotepile.

The everpresent anonymous sums up the outsider art aesthetic that dominates HJBBaD’s verbiage:

He just bangs bitches and drinks. A thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years couldn’t achieve his literary genius. What else is there to say? BANG ON BRA! (and drink)

Exactly, Anon. clementine of cappadoucha agrees:

There is no contest in this competition. HJBBaD takes it. What would normally be a third-shift stockboy Bag/Not Bag is made a Hall of Scrote contender with his primeval douche-commentary. He is the Stealth Douce. The Douche you don’t see coming … The douche in the night. This chodesniffer may well be Joey P. 2008!

But harry scroter makes the point that we should not let the visuals slip as our primary guide to hott/douche wrongness, and casts a dissenting vote:

this site is HOT Chicks with Douchebags. Any douche can be a douche, but the criteria is to be paired with a hott, not a random.

Uphold the principles of this site. Private School Hott for the win.

Strong argument, H.S., but every so often a unique asswipe comes along. HJBBaD is that asswpie.

The Unneccesary Point came in a distant third, with kingcityguruDouche summing up the boobpeal:

I vote for Pointy McBoob as the breast point is one of the secret moves of the douche much like the ancient Ninjas and their “touch of death.”

But it’s HJBBaD all the way. As the following commenters make the argument:

double x douche writes: HJBBAD, because it takes skill to unnerve me to the point of refusing to read more than your first sentence of self-douche proclamation. But, bitches, he ain’t white, and for that, he gets my vote.

douche equis: writes: HJBBAD — proof that douchiness inside, if you’re dumb enough to leave reams of evidence of it on the Internet, is just as telling as douchiness outside.

muddy swirl writes: HJBBAD … yes reread … HJBBAD … reread … many fish in the sea … but one HJBBAD …

evil otto writes: HJBBAD. He is legend.

And the everpresent anonymous sums it all up: A thousand words are worth a picture. HJBBAD all the way.

And so we face an epic HCwDB of the Month on Monday. Four Weekly Winners will enter. Only one can couple can reign supreme.

But for now, lets give HJBBaD and his drunken girl their victory cigars. Repeat… lets give HJBBaD and his drunken girl their victory cigars. Like tough, unchewable steak, they have come out on top.

The Retarded Spider

Having catalogued hundred of ‘Bag Hand Gestures here at HCwDB, it is rare to come upon a new one.

We’ve seen The Shocker. We’ve seen the West Side. The Sideways Peace Sign. The Peaches Point.

Buy what exactly is Luke Wilson ‘Bag demonstrating here?

I’m going with “The Retarded Spider.”

The Strobe Light Drip

Remember when you were in 3rd grade and the teacher was so hung over she would put on that boring science video instead of teaching?

And it was something that featured a lot of high speed photography of drips of water filmed with a strobe light?

That’s this guy’s hair.

A strobe light drip.

And if I had to reach too far for that analogy, I blame last night’s PBR consumption.

She is a delectable golden apple that I would toss behind me to distract Atalanta so I could win the race and thus earn the right to procreate.

Welcome Digg People

If you’re new to the site and coming over here from Digg, Welcome to HCwDB! I’m DB1, your narrator/guide through the greasy world of body spray and hottness. As I like to say, come for the douche, but stay for the boobies.

If you’re looking for the top shelf quality hottie/douchey comminglings of all time, the orange people and uberhotts, scroll down and check out the Hall of Scrote in the left hand column.

Some, like Millennium ‘Bag pictured here, will be competing in Monday’s HCwDB of the Month vote.

Many pics you’ve probably seen circulating in emails and/or being stolen by uberdouche websites (like Barstoolsports) without giving me credit, first originated on this site. Like A Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars. Or Joey Porsche, The Gator, and The Prompas.

If you do run across another site stealing my shtick, feel free to call them out for the uberscrote that they are and curse their first born with plague.

Otherwise, welcome to the site. Jump in a comments thread and join the regulars in the daily mocking/dissection of all things horribly tragic commingling with the choicest cuts of thigh in our culture.

Don’t think of it as simply making fun of a douchebag/hott combo.

Think of it as attaining enlightenment through parsing the dialectic of Armani/Exchange wrongness and the lusty shoulderblades of a lambchop hott.

Wednesday Limerick

In clubland use Smirkface Detection,
Or you’ll end up near this chin pube confection,
Poor Sarah and Kelly,
And their best friend named Melly,
Any closer and they’ll get a yeast infection.

Technical Difficulties

The site’s been overwhelmed this morning due to extremely high traffic after making the homepage of digg.com last night. I’m talking like 20K uniques an hour. I’m currently working on it and the problem should be fixed faster than ‘bag hand gesture #204.

The Doos

South Afrikan ‘Doo writes in with more on the spread of global douchebaggery:

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Howzit,

South Afrikan ‘Bag
—-

I like “doos.” It sounds vaguely like douche, and I can picture the bad guys in Lethal Weapon II saying it, right before they offed the uberhottness that was Patsy Kensit. Before she took up with Liam Gallabag, and became Brit Bleethed.

Mmm… Patsy Kensit.

Because in America, we like our South Africans played by Brits and our Brits played by Americans.

Not sure why. Probably has something to do with colonialism, de Tocqueville and the crisis of identity in the age of modernity.

Or else we just can’t tell the diff.

BOING

PIC DELETED

Ah, the satin pillows of silicone call to me to bounce upon them like young maypole dancers leaping over cattle during the rainy season harvest festivals in Uttar Pradesh.

I bounce upon them and play licorice bongo between their firm nectarine mounds of skin cupcake. Rat-tat-tat. Back and forth goes the licorice, tapping out an even rhythm of bouncing boobsicality.

Then I suckle and chew on each of their bra straps with feral aggression while reciting poems by Longfellow and drooling on their outer thighs.

And then I smack furry head.

For being a douche.

Hottie/Douchey Inversion

Like a radioactive isotope suddenly decaying into an inverted field, here is pictured the rare Hottie/Douchey combo in which hott has fully absorbed hand gesturing asswipery to the point where she overtakes the douche’s douchewankery, while still maintaining the Hottness.

I have no name for this.

She isn’t Bleethed on any visceral level, but her douchebaguette radiates from within. And yet her perfect pouty lips of pout call to me to lightly dust them melted candy corns and make Hott Cookies.

But that hand gesture.

It’s like watching the Mona Lisa cop a squat and take a dump on the floor of the Louvre.

He Only Did That Face to Make U Look Better

Behold the hypnotic dark eyes of a perfectly formed Army Hott, about to get mauled by your standard issue Private Pile.

She has slip-n-slide legs of waterslide perfection.

I would revert back to nine years old, take a running leap, and slide across her legs in my “Pac Man Fanatic” t-shirt.

Then I would quietly hump her toes.

But enough of my desires to hump her toes. Here is the subsequent conversation on Facebook:

(Click on it to enlarge)

Hott’s line: “Once again… LAME” sums things up nicely.